


The Genius and the Tramp

by Ladate



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Definitely Endgame Stony, He gets better at this I promise, I think?, Light Angst, M/M, Maybe Heavier Angst Than Originally Planned, Mutual Pining, Not as sweet as I thought after all, Oblivious Steve, Oblivious Tony, Or maybe it's the other way around, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Build, Some cheating along the way (not on each other), Steve Needs a Hug (Literally), Sweet, The dog is an actual character in this fic, Tony can be a real jerk sometimes, bumps on the road, but still romantic, dog lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-03-23 01:16:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 111,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13776591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladate/pseuds/Ladate
Summary: Somewhere in Manhattan on a bench. Some coffee spilt. And it involves a dog.Or when Tony mistakes Steve for a hobo and Steve is not actually a hobo but is sort of homeless.





	1. A sunny afternoon in Manhattan

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, sorry about the title. I had no idea how to name this work... Also, sorry it's such a clichéd story. hope you enjoy anyway.

It was a sunny afternoon on Manhattan, despite the winter cold. The light was reverberating on the huge buildings around him and the descending sun was giving a bright and warm color to the sky. He thought it was beautiful and inspiring. And it made him happy for a while. 

Somehow, his wandering steps had lead him back there, in New York. After eight months of travelling around the country, he had ended up coming back home. Well, not _home_ exactly. He wasn't ready yet, to go back there. Back to his neighborhood. Back to his mom's house. Why would he anyway? It's not like there was anyone waiting for him there... And it'd been what? Seven? Eight years since he'd visited? Probably since Bucky had... He had thought about paying a visit to his parents but then he refrained that idea. They would welcome him with open arms he was sure about that. They might even be genuinely happy to see him, to talk about the good old days, and reminisce dear memories about their son. Their _only_ son. But it wouldn't change the fact that _he_ was coming home while Bucky was not, ever. And he couldn't face them knowing that. Knowing that he was there, still alive, healthy, safe while his best friend had lost his life. It was the same for Natasha. She had told him countless time to come and visit, say 'hi' to the girls. They had always loved him.

He smiled remembering how him and Bucky had fought over her in high school. If only he'd known more about himself back then. He was glad Bucky had won her over though. He wouldn't have been able to make her happy. Just like he had not been able to make Peggy happy... 

Bucky's parents had been so great during and after Bucky's memorial. Natasha too. They had been nothing but supportive. They had never blamed him, not even the slightest. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty about it, no one could have saved him. It was not his fault. Shit happens. This was war after all. That's what they say. All of them. His fellow veteran friends, the support groups, the shrinks... Fuck them! Of course, it was his fault. Why Bucky? Why him when he was surrounded by so much love, when he would be regretted by so many people, when he had a family to support: a wife and two beautiful little girls. They must have grown so much in eight years... It should have been him. He had no parent, no family to support. No one would have missed him... 

He wondered why he hadn't left the army back then, even though he hated it.

He had quickly realized that the army wasn't exactly how he had imagined it to be. Being a hero, saving lives... Far from it even. Still, he had served almost four years while knowing that. And Bucky had died. And he had served seven more years... The why had suddenly become a mystery to him. Because he was used to it maybe, probably because of his friends, the howling commandos. Or maybe because he was good at it and couldn't really do anything else. Not that he could have gone to college or anything...  Or simply because he had known deep inside that there was nothing waiting for him in the real world. Getting married, buying a house, having kids... He knew that he wasn't that kind of guy.

But it had taken seven years, and a month of pretty good sex, for him to finally part ways with the army. He had given in his notice, the colonel had been very sorry to watch one of his best captain leave - he was good at his job after all - but had wished him good luck for the future anyway. He had gathered up all his stuff - not much. He had sold most of them and withdrawn all his savings. He had bought a bike and had set off on a long journey throughout America. He didn't know what he had wanted to do and needed some time to figure it out. 

Eight months later, there he was. Broke. Sitting on a bench amidst the tall buildings of Manhattan in his worn out army coat, and Liberty - a three-year-old long-haired german shepherd he had exchanged against his bike, but that's another story - who was guarding his nearly empty duffle bag at his feet. The dog was sleeping next to him, giving off a soft comforting warmth which compensated for the cold wind burning his face. He was admiring the marvelous colors and lights that were composing the winter sky. He had spent the last of his money on a coffee and was enjoying the hot smell coming up his nose.

He didn't know where he would be able to sleep tonight. He had nowhere to go. No money. Not even enough to buy some food for him and Liberty. He was fine with missing a meal or two, but Liberty... Anyway, that was a something to be worried about later. For now, he just wanted to enjoy the view and the coffee. He thought about making some sketches of the impressive dark forms hiding the bright sun. He took out his sketchpad and started drawing a little but he quickly put it away as his fingers were getting numbed by the cold wind. So he took out an old book from his bag, the only possession he had aside from his drawing set and a few dirty clothes, and studied it like it was a treasure. The cover was torn and most of the pages were dog-eared and smelled of cigarettes and old paper. It was an old book of French poetry, a parting gift from Julien. He opened it and started reading, even though he didn't speak any French.  

"Comme je descendais des Fleuves impassibles," The words had no meaning for him but sounded like a lullaby and in his head he could hear the sweet voice of his former lover pronouncing them.  "Je ne me sentis plus guidé par les haleurs..." He remembered the nights they had spent in each other's arms; holding each other tight, talking about anything and everything, making love. Julien was a French Officer he'd met in his last deployment. They had to work hand in hand with the French marines for a special operation. The first thing he remembered about him was his piercing eyes and his insisting smile. And then everything went fast and Steve had made love with a man for the first time. It only lasted a few weeks but they were the best he had had for a long time. It was a shame that it had to stop but there was no other way.

However,  Julien had been a turning point in his life for he had made him realize two things. First, he definitely was a gay man and there was no doubt about it. And second: there was more to life than the army and killing people for a living. He could actually be with someone and love them and be loved and be happy. Not that there hadn't been happy times in the army but there was always something missing.

And therefore, he had resigned. It was time for something new, something different; although he didn't know what yet. 

He closed the book and sighed. Remembering his first male lover brought back bittersweet memories and he felt a soft pain in his chest. Oh, there had been others since then, but none had made him feel the way Julien made him feel. Now all that was left of him was the old book and he didn't understand a word of it. He looked one last time at the cover and looked up to the sky. he must have been there for a while because he could see the sun setting behind the building and the orange sky was getting darker. The beauty of it made him smile and he felt a comforting warmth taking over his body. Soon he was going to be shaken off his reveries.

First, there was a noise. A sort of clang as something metallic hit the bench and then the sound of water dripping. Then, he felt the wetness over his pants. And Liberty jumped awake and started barking. "FUCK!!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" His coffee had spilled all over him and his book. He didn't notice at first what why the cause of it and then he saw some cash in his cup. Some asshole had taken him for a beggar and thrown a bunch of coins in it. He looked up dumbfounded and saw a group of people, all dressed like rich businessmen, passing before him and recognized the man who had thrown the money at him. He felt his cheeks burning red with anger and shame. How could he humiliate him like that. 

"Hey!!!"

He jumped on his feet and caught up to the man. He was talking with two men and a woman. He didn't even look at him, they walked on and kept talking as if he was non-existent. Steve was furious.

"HEY!!!" He repeated and this time the man heard him and turned around. "You ruined my coffee! Asshole!" The man looked confused at first but after looking at Steve he seemed to realize the mistake he'd made and his expression became sympathetic. 

The man was tall and slim, wearing an impeccable suit underneath a designer coat, stylish dark hair and a perfectly trimmed beard. His dark eyes were full of mischief and Steve could read some mockery behind his shiny smile. He was handsome, and Steve would have definitely enjoyed the view in other circumstances but for now all he wanted was smash his fists into his perfect teeth and erase that smug expression off his face. The man was checking him out and it annoyed Steve even more. 

"Sorry man! I thought you were a bum."

"I'm not a fucking bum. And even if, you didn't need to be rude. I don't care what you thought. You ruined my coffee! "

The man smiled apologetically. "Sorry man! Chill out okay. It's just coffee. Now, I probably gave you enough to buy a new one anyway. Maybe even two more. And in my defense, you do look like one." Then he turned to his companions and laughed as they started walking again. 

Steve was fuming. "It's not _just_ coffee!" Because really it wasn't, right? "I ..." and Steve stopped in the middle of his sentence because he realized he was beginning to sound pathetic but at that moment that coffee had meant everything to him, or maybe it wasn't about the coffee.

The woman spoke in the man's ear and she was probably reasoning him because while she was doing it the man turned back to face Steve and checked him out again. Then he nodded. 

"Right, you know what? Come to my office and we'll see about your coffee. And your book. And your..." and he made a gesture toward him to designate the way Steve was dressed, his mouth twisted in disgust. The man threw a card at Steve's face and left. Steve couldn't believe the man's nerve and shouted at him 

"PRICK!!!"

The man answered with a mocking gesture, saying goodbye with his hand. Steve remained still too startled or too embarrassed to move.  

And Steve was left there, wet in the cold. It was like suddenly he had finally realized how deep in shit he was. He was drenched in coffee, his stomach was empty, he had nowhere to sleep tonight and the last of his money had spilled over his precious book. 

He looked at the card. There was no name on it just an address and the Logo S.I. _Stark Industries_. Of course Steve had heard of them, working in the army and all. Most of the stuff he had used was Stark made. Although, he had heard that now they had stopped making weapons... Something about the owner being kidnapped or something. So that's were that asshole was working... No wonder... Steve was about to throw it away when he noticed the phone number scribbled on the other side. And then he decided it might be useful.

 

...

 

It was time for him to move and maybe find someplace warm for the night. The night can be deadly cold in winter and he had not planned to die so soon. It'd been great if he could find something to eat too, at least for Liberty. He could wait. He wandered about in the street and found himself in front of the Stark Tower. He looked up to admire the modern architecture of the impressive building. He had to admit that it looked really great although it represented everything Steve despised in this world. He was never setting a foot in there.

He turned his face back down and met his reflexion in the dark glass of the building. He really did look like a hobo. His hair were long and so dirty that they were standing up in a sticky mess. His beard was hiding most of his face and was more brownish than blond. He was dressed in rags and his shoes looked like he had crossed the country on foot. He probably stank too. He only missed a dog to complete the look. Damn! He also had a dog... Thinking back, he could understand why the man had taken him for a beggar. Although he didn't have to act all haughty and contemptuous that condescending prick!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I stole the name "Liberty" from the work "Like a Comet Streaming On" by Sinhala. An amazing story, sweet and beautiful, about psychic wolves and Stony. If you haven't read it already...


	2. An odd book for a soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony meet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who appreciated my work and left kudos and comments. It encourages me a lot.

_His eyes... There's something about his eyes..._ He could picture them, vividly, as his hips were rocking against the soft skin of her back.

"Those baby blues..." The words had come out of their own while he was burying his face into her red hair and smelled her perfume. Poison by Dior. He had offered her that on their first anniversary, a few years back now, and she had been wearing it ever since. Somehow, he had been accustomed to it and now this fragrance always meant her in his mind. He hold her tight and she responded with a languorous moan. She didn't seem to have heard what he had just said. he tried to focus on her but he couldn't forget about those eyes. 

"Tony, what are you doing?"

And there, they were gone. The slightly reproaching tone in her voice had made him realize he was going the wrong way. He inhaled the fragrance of her hair again and hold her tight against his skin.

"I wanna fuck you in the ass."

"What?" She was already freeing herself from his embrace. "Nooo!" 

He pulled her back in his arms and snuggled in her neck. She let him do it at first but then he whispered in her ear. "Come on Pep, Don't be so prude! It's not like we haven't done it before..." and she pushed him away again.

"No!"

He looked at her with puppy's eyes. "Pep, please?"

"Tony..." She muttered in an exasperated tone. 

"Pleaaase...?"

He was now on full Puss-in-boots mode but it didn't work.  And her exasperation turned into annoyance. She was already living the bed. 

"You know what? Let's stop here. I think I'm gonna go home." She was putting her panties on while he was staring at her skinny back. "It was a bad idea from the start." 

He approached her and brushed his hand on the soft skin and slipped his fingers in her soft hair. "I'm sorry, Pep. Okay? Don't be like that!"

She turned to face him and fondled his face with her kind hand.

"Tony, your mind is obviously somewhere else." Tony pouted a little bit but consented she mind be right about that. "See? You're almost relieved that I'm leaving." Her smile was full of kindness and affection. "I've known you for a long time Tony." And she had, how long had it been since she had started as his secretary? Nine years? Ten maybe? And she had always been there for him. "I know when you're not into it. And right now, you're not into me." God! he loved her so much!

He sat up to seek comfort in a pillow. He buried his pouting face in his new friend and mumbled something inaudible even for him.

"What did you say?"

"I hate it that you are so perceptive!" He repeated.  And she laughed.

"I know." She answered, still laughing.

"I love you, you know?"

"I know." 

He sat down on his bed, letting his head fall back behind and spread his arms on his pillows with a sigh. Pepper was still getting dressed but she turned to him anyway.

"What's wrong?"

"He hasn't come to the office... " He hadn't meant to tell her this. And it was probably rude to mention that right now but she didn't seem to be offended. The thing about Pepper is that she was used to his whims and she had put with him long enough to just not care anymore. And that probably was why she meant so much to him and that he would always need her in his life.

"Who?" She asked while tying her bra.

"The coffee guy! ... It's been three days and he still hasn't come!""

"Oh, him... Really? I'm shocked. How odd!"

"Am I hearing sarcasm in your voice right now?"

"Tony, you literally threw money at his face!"

"Technically, I threw money in his coffee..."

"Same thing."

She was all dressed now and was doing her hair. When she turned to him she looked impeccable. No-one could have guessed what they had been doing just minutes ago. 

"I was doing a good thing. I thought he'd be happy. He did look miserable."

"No-one's happy to be taken for a hobo, Tony."

"But he was one. Pep, come on... His looks were pretty nasty, right?" Tony was remembering the fury on his face when he had called him asshole. "his eyes were pretty though. And his body was nice too..."

Pepper let out an exasperated sigh. Oh Crap, had he said that out loud?

"Are you seriously having dirty thoughts about a hobo, right now?

Pepper knew him so well. During all these years she had been his CIO, his secretary, his personal assistant, his interior designer, his lover, his best friend, his confident. She knew everything about him and she had been undeniably his number one support. And they had sex sometimes. And she would probably be his wife someday. He loved her so much. And he felt sorry that he hadn't been a better boyfriend to her while they were still together, because it was definitely his fault. And she had been so great and so understanding about everything.

"See? You too, you think he was one."

"That's not the point! ...  You can't just throw money at people's face like that. It's super rude... And degrading!"

"I gave him money, what else could he want?"

"Err... I don't know? Respect! Acknowledgment! Not being stepped on both literally and metaphorically! His pride not flushed down the toilet... And maybe an apology?"

"I did apologize!"

"Yeah right... No, I meant a _real_ apology.  Even people living in the street have dignity..."

"Dignity... What's the use of dignity when you're starving? I'd throw away my dignity anytime for a burger."

She took her bag and smiled at him fondly.

"Well then you're not living the streets, so... Good for you." She bent her face to kiss his forehead. "And you know, sometimes, when you're in a difficult situation, your dignity is the only thing you have left. So you might hold on to it then..."

He looked at her with understanding eyes and kissed her cheek. "That was deep. You know Pepper, you've always been so wise."

"Finally. He understands."

"I get it. I've been an asshole. Okay. learnt my lesson. Sometimes, I wonder...  What would I do without you? "

She smiled knowingly. "I know."

She was going for the door but at the last moment she turned to him. 

"I think we should stop for now."

"Stop what?"

"Doing what we've been doing... ?" 

"If _you_ think it's better that way..."

"It's better that way."

"Okay. How long do you..."

"Tony!" She interrupted. "Just figure out what you need to figure out." And there was absolutely no reproach in her tone. Only love. "Good night Tony!"

God, she was so perceptive.

When the door shut, he threw himself on the bed and spread his body on the soft sheets. 

"I need a man!"

"Well, If I may s..."

"No you may not Jarvis. Thank you!"

...

 

Thinking about it, it had been a while since he'd been with a man. Actually, he hadn't been with a man since Pepper. And he didn't know if it was about the coffee man or something else. But he really wanted a man right now. And since Pepper had stopped in the middle of the fun, he was actually pretty up for it now. 

"JARVIS? Time!"

"It's exactly 11:23 minutes and 15 seconds PM, sir."

"Ask Happy to prepare the car. I'm going to the club."

"It's exactly 11:23 minutes and 57 seconds PM, sir."

"Say what you mean, Jarvis." 

"Mr Hogan has long gone home. He was only waiting for Miss Potts."

"Of course he has. Damn it. I'll go by myself."

Tony stood up and prepared himself to go.

"I think I'm gonna take the Audi. It's not too fancy. Better when you're going to that part of town. Perfect for a little midnight escapade. What do you think?"

"If I may suggest, it has been a while since Sir has gone to that club. Maybe..."

"Spare me your judgement J..."  

"Very well, sir."

 

...

 

He was driving downtown to a private gay club. Not that he was ashamed or anything. Everybody knew he had that kind of inclination. He just thought that, being 45 and owning his company, it was only wise not to be seen everyday with a different sexual partner. Might not be good for the company and having already experienced the whole being-drunk-and-naked-in-the arms-of-a-stranger-right-there-on-the-frontpage, he might as well not enjoy it a second time around. 

As he had stopped at a red-light, AC-DC loud in his car, his eyes were drawn by a moving form outside, on the right sidewalk. He saw the dog first, a german shepherd with long hair. _I know that dog._ Then, he saw the tall figure walking in a focused, almost military pace. Now, he recognized the worn out army duffle bag and the coat. Even the boots looked similar. 

"Am I dreaming right, now?"

"I can assure you sir, that you are currently awake."

"Why did I install you in all of my cars, J. I wonder... "

"Is there something wrong, sir?"

"No, just... I thought I saw someone I knew."

"The coffee man, I presume."

"No! Why? How would you know anyway."

"I assumed so. You mentioned a dog. And I know not of any of your acquaintances, owning a dog."

"Crap, did I just say that out loud too..."

"I'm afraid you did. Would you like me to start a facial recognition program, Sir? I might use the pictures taken by the satellites based on your GPS data."

"I think I'm fine, JARVIS. Than you. It's probably no-one. 'Cause that would be a hell of a coincidence, now. I mean, there must be about 8 million people living in New york. Probably 100,000 are homeless..."

"Actually, 63,495 homeless people were listed last year. One third were children. So, considering that half of the 2/3 left are women and that a third of the male homeless population might be owning a dog, statistically, you would have one chance out of..."

"Shut up, Jarvis."

That was stupid and he knew it, but he had to know. Why was he so obsessed over that man, he had no idea but... Still, if there was any chance, he wouldn't want to miss it. He pulled over, turned the music off and opened his right window.

"HEY!" He called out to the walking man. "Do you have a second?"

The man stopped and turned to him. He came to the car window to see who had called. While he was approaching his face to the window, the dog started barking next to him. Tony could see his entire face now. His expression was half-surprised half curious. He stared inside trying to decipher the Tony's face in the dark of the car. And Tony's eyes were instantly drawn towards those deep ocean blue eyes. _Damn, those baby blues_....

What were the odds?

"It really is you, then" he muttered, not being able to control the growing smile at the happiness to have found the right person. 

The man nodded as he seemed to recognize him. Then, he looked at the car.

"I can see that it pays well in SI." He remarked in a slightly sassy tone. _And the voice is sexy too, when he's not angry._

Tony laughed. "I'm not complaining."

"What do you want?"

"Hop in."

He was startled at first but then he frowned.

"Nope. I'm not going anywhere near you." And that hurt. 

"That's rude."

"You've got some nerve!" The man was obviously angry and started to walk back away from the car.

"Hey, come on! You haven't come to the office. And I was prepared to give you the best coffee you would have in your entire life."

"I'm fine with regular coffee, thanks." Damn, he was a tough guy to convince...

"Come on man! Don't play hard to get!" Tony was starting to lose confidence over this guy but couldn't stop the grinning smug on his face and realized that it was maybe giving him a condescending look.

"Shove your coffee, and your money up your ass. Okay? Leave me the fuck alone." The man was about to leave, already. 

"WAIT!" Tony tried to show a more sincere expression. "I'm really sorry okay. I realized now that my behavior the other day was really inappropriate..."

"And disrespectful."

"And disrespectful. And I sincerely apologize for that. I mean it. Now...  It's like 15°F outside and you clearly look like you could do with a warm coffee... and maybe something to eat. So just quit being so proud and accept my apology already."

The man stopped and dropped his arms in a defeated posture. Anger seemed to have disappeared from his features. Tony thought that he might have been handsome underneath that shaggy beard. 

"If I go in. She goes in."

"Who? ... Oh you mean, the dog?"

"Fine, whatev... Hop in. You and ...?"

"Liberty."

"Right. You and Liberty."

...

 

The man was sitting next to him, silent and still. He was staring in front of him.

"So, I'm Tony by the way." He had the reflex to hold out his hand but he stopped half-way. _Yeah, maybe not..._ But the man didn't notice or if he did, it hadn't bothered him.

"Steve." He answered in an unconcerned and monotone voice.

"Nice to meet you, Steve." Tony greeting in a joyful tone but the man remained impassive. And there was awkward silence. And Tony hate silence and Awkward. He thought about turning the music back on but he was afraid it would be even more awkward.

"So Liberty, uh? That's a noble name..."

"Yeah. We met on the path of freedom. So I gave her that name. I don't know what was her name originally."

"Weren't you the one who named her first?"

"She's only been travelling with me for three months...  She's a good dog."

"I bet she is..." Tony smiled internally at how the man was talking about his dog. As if it was human and they were in an equal relationship. Oh okay, so that's how people like him treat their dog he supposed. 

"So can you... maybe tell me how you two met?"

Steve didn't answer. And then it was awkward again. Tony glanced at him. God, he smelled nasty. Obviously the guy hadn't had a shower for a while. His hair were sticking up and he was trying to determine their original color. He had invited him on an impulse and now he was beginning to regret it. He started panicking.

_Right. No. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine. I mean, it's not like he's gonna stab me or something and stole my car. Cause that'd be stupid of him to stop there... I mean, I'm fucking Tony Stark. Who would take the opportunity of having me stuck in a car to extort me a few millions of dollars? Right?  No one. And certainly not a very suspicious looking man that's you've picked up in the middle of the night. Right. Oh God he's got really strong arms. Would I be able defend myself if he were to jump on me and slaughter me? god why do I do this stupid things. I should have listened to JARVIS. Man! What's the pint of being a genius if in situations like this I'm gonna do the dumbest thing one could ever do... For god's sake! I think I'm gonna throw up. And he has a dog! I mean a dog! WHAT THE FUCK! Calm down Tony. Everything's gonna be fine.  Just bear with it okay_. 

Steve must have noticed Tony's discomfort because he curled up on his side of the car. "I'm sorry. I... I'm not usually like this, you know."

Tony was startled at first but then he looked at him and saw the obvious embarrassment all over his face. _Right, the smell. Of course_. 

"It's fine..." It really wasn't but then, the situation was uncomfortable enough for him not to add some more embarrassment to the poor guy. "We've all had times like this at some point in ours lives..."

Steve seemed to relax a little.

"You mean, not being able to shower for two weeks? I doubt that..."

"Well, when I came back from the desert. I looked pretty much the same as you right now."

"You were in the desert?  Now He had picked the man's... _Steve's_ interest because his face which had been awkwardly facing down for the past minutes had suddenly straightened up and his eyes were staring at him with genuine curiosity. His questions were written on his face but he didn't dare to ask them.

"Afghanistan. 7 years ago."

"Oh right..." And it was gone, the shine that curiosity had brought to his eyes. "I forgot you work for S.I. So, that makes sense."

Tony wasn't expecting that kind of reaction upon confiding about one of the most traumatizing event of his life but, visibly, the guy wasn't much aware of his kidnapping. Even though that had been an on-going topic in the news for months... But then again, that kind of people might not be following the news very often. Good, then he wouldn't have to talk about it and that, at least, was comforting.

They finally arrived in some place suitable for the two... three of them. He might have considered to take him to fancy place for a second but then a look at Steve reminded that he had to find somewhere where they would not pay too much attention to one's aspect. And be accepting dogs. And be open past midnight... So that had limited the choice. But anyway, he managed to find a diner fitting those criterias and frankly, Tony was relieved not to be stuck in such a small compartment with Steve and a dog anymore. He promised himself he would choose to sit close to a ventilated area. He'd like to be able to finish his meal. Thank you. 

Steve went straight to the bathroom and came back with clean hands and a refreshed face, at least. So.. he _was_ blond after all. And he also looked much younger than Tony had originally thought. He took off his coat and revealed a pretty nice body, as Tony had suspected. And he was agreeably surprised that without the coat on he didn't smell half as bad. So there was that... That's when Tony noticed the name tags hanging around his neck.

"So army guy, uh?"

"Not. Anymore."

"hum... Got injured?"

Steve shook his head as an answer.

"So why then, did you get fired? Cause you look a bit young to be retired" Tony had intended it as a joke but that had obviously failed to make Steve laugh. He looked up at Tony with furious eyes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry..."

"I quit."

"I see... Is there a reason?" Steve looked up again, furious. _Damn curiosity! Why can't I just shut up sometimes_.

So, Tony decided to drop the topic of army and picked up the menu. Although he had planned on another type of food when he had left his Penthouse earlier, he could do with a burger right now. He looked up and saw Steve salivate over the menu but somehow his eyes ended up the the cheapest meals with a resigned expression. 

"Take whatever you want, okay? ... I mean it!"

Steve glanced up at him and Tony could see how red his face was. And he thought that was damn cute...

He was interrupted by the annoying voice of the waitress. "Have you chosen?" She asked with a forced smile. She was looking at Tony with wondering eyes and then she looked at Steve and was barely hiding her disgust and then she looked back at Tony and probably decided that she might be wrong or something.

"I'll have the bacon burger, a large portion of fries and a pot of black coffee." Tony started, because Steve seemed to hesitate. He wanted her gone and fast. He didn't need to see the tabloids title "Tony Starks eats burgers with a bum" the next day...

"I'll have a cheeseburger. And a bi... no a small portion of fries, please." Steve then ordered in a shy tone and tried to give her his most honest smile. He was so cute.

"Hell no! No, no, no! He'll have the large portion and you know what? Make it two. And double cheeseburger, no make it triple with extra cheese, extra bacon and extra onions... You like onions right?

"Err... Yes?"

"Fine, so extra onions and a second pot of coffee please, with cream and milk. And don't forget a bowl of water for the dog."

Steve's face dropped down and Tony could see he was tomato-red up to his ears.

"I told you to order what you wanted." 

"I know but... I mean even if... you said you would pay and... I didn't want to abuse your kindness. Just a simple meal would have been enough. I mean I know you probably have a well-paid job but..."

"Are you for fucking real right now?" And that's when Tony realized that Steve might not have recognized him... "I'm _Tony."_

"I know. You said already... in the car?"

"Tony as in... Tony Stark? "

"Oh right, Stark. Like Stark Industries?"

"Yeah. Exactly." _Finally. He gets it._

"So you are related to the owner perhaps? That explains..." Tony laughed at Steve's unawareness. _Okay, He's a hopeless case._

"Where were you the last past ten years?"

"Abroad. On duty."

"Oh... right. Of course you were."

The atmosphere felt a lot lighter suddenly. Tony was finally feeling comfortable, eating out with Steve, despite the odd situation. Steve seemed to be such a nice guy after all. And he fancied not telling about himself. He thought it might make things awkward again. And then he felt it would dishonest and somehow Steve seemed like the kind of guy who would appreciate honesty. And he'd already started on the wrong foot with him, so, he'd rather be frank.

"So... " He started while Steve was already distracted by the food arriving. It seem to make him in a much better mood. His face was lighting up, so Tony waited for a few minutes before finishing his sentence. He was thinking that his smile really warmed up the atmosphere. "there is something I'd like to clarify before we start..."

Steve was obviously more interested in the food than anything that Tony may have said but he stopped anyway and listened. "Hum... What?" he asked, holding his fork in the air, half-way to his mouth.

"You know, the owner of Stark Industries..." he paused, internally smiling at the face Steve was making right now, held up on his words. "He doesn't have any relatives."

Steve's eyes opened wide and his mouth formed a O. _Hallelujah!_  "Oh..." Was all he could say.

"Yep... huh huh. So feel free to eat at your heart's content. ... Cause, I could buy you the entire restaurant right now and wouldn't even notice it on my taxes..."

"I see..." Steve dropped his fork and looked down. "Hum... I'm... I'm sorry." he apologized while he chuckled with embarrassment, his face blushing. "This is awkward... " 

"Wow... I made you uncomfortable, again. Look, it's not a big deal right... I mean, don't stop on my account."

There was awkward silence again but then Steve started to relax a bit and resumed eating.

"Hum... so... Is that why she was looking at you funny?"

"So you saw that, huh. I guess, probably."

"Does it happen often?"

"Sometimes..."

And Steve laughed. An honest and kind laugh. And Tony's heart jumped in his chest.

"What's so funny?"

"Tony, huh...  Can I call you Tony?" Tony nodded. "Imagine the face of the poor girl if she knew. I mean, seriously. This is kinda of... unusual. I can still see her face when she was looking at me and the dog... And when you said "oh and don't forget a bowl of water for the dog" , her _face_. Hilarious!!!"

Steve had such an genuine laugh and he wasn't as oblivious as Tony might have thought at first. Maybe that's what it does to people, living in the street. They have to bear with how people stare at them with disgust or look away. Either way, there is constant silent judgment that reminds you of your miserable state, so you hide in faked ignorance. _I wanna know more about him_.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Now his face was serious again.

"Sure. Feel free."

"I heard... I mean, when you said "Afghanistan. 7 years ago"...  Did you...?  Were you referring to your ... kidnapping?"

"Oh so you know about me, then."

"Yeah... You know this and that. Soldiers talk. And we do hear the news over there you know. We used to have pigeons..."

"Really?"

"but now we're at the top of modernity. We have minitel. Amazing. The things that those machines can do..."

The joke seemed so out of character that Tony didn't get it at first but then he burst out laughing while Steve was hiding his mischief behind a shy smile. He felt happy, he had forgotten for a while where Steve came from. Now, he was just Steve, not a miserable tramp. And this, _this_ felt like a date. And it was so refreshing.

Steve was eating all the food Tony had ordered for him and even the one he had ordered for himself. "So you've got an appetite."

He looked up from his burger. "Hum... I... I haven't had a meal in three days."

"Hey, don't be ashamed. I didn't mean anything by it. I... I kind of suspected something like that." 

Tony watched him a little more and then thought that maybe Steve would open up to him more now so he dared ask again.

"So, are you gonna tell me how you ended up in the situation you're in right now?"

Steve was surprised at first but he told him everything. How he had quit the army because he needed a change of atmosphere. How he had decided to set on a long journey and had spent all his savings on the road. How he had used the last of his money to buy a flight back home. That he had been back for 10 days now.  And How he had nowhere to go because he had no family, his best friend was dead and all his other friends were either still in the army or living across the country. Far from New York. And Tony discovered a completely new person. And wanted to know even more.

"So you decided on a journey without planning anything for your return? I mean, you could have bought or rented some place. Or made sure you get a job when you get back... That was kind of foolish of you."

"I know... I realize now that it was stupid. But you know, I'll find solution. I've already met up with veteran groups and they can help. I just have to get back on my feet. It's just for a few days."

"Good. That's good. I'm... I'm happy to help if you need anything."

"Thank you, Tony." Steve said with all his sincerity. "But you have done so much already..."

"I could do so much more..."

Steve smiled shyly but didn't answer. Somehow, Tony had managed to make it awkward again.

"So... Didn't you tell me something about a book?"

"Oh right, yeah... It's silly... It's just. you spilled coffee on my book and... "

"What book? Can I see it?"

"Sure, it's ruined now anyway." Steve looked inside his back and held out the book to Tony. He took a lot at it.

"Rimbaud? What an odd book to find in a marine's bag. You like French Poetry?"

Steve blushed again and his eyes flickered in a nostalgic expression. "It was a gift... I don't even understand French."

Tony smiled and opened the book where it was dog-eared. " _The Drunken Boat..._ I can translate it for you if you want. "

"You can speak French?" 

"Yeah. And I probably have a copy of his work in English, somewhere."

"Oh... I'd like to read that " He paused, afraid of asking too much of Tony. "Someday..."

"It means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

"I... no. Not really... It's just... I'm curious that's all."

Steve got back to eating while Tony was trying to decipher what he was hiding behind his nostalgic smile.

 

"Did you know that he was gay?" 

"What?"

"Rimbaud... did you know that he was gay? Or at least, bi...

Steve was red as a tomato again.  "Hum... no..."

"Actually, he had an affair with a fellow French poet. Verlaine..."

"No, I didn't know that..." 

"I guess you wouldn't... They don't teach you that in the army... You know... Don't ask. Don't tell.... Still, I'm curious... I wonder what kind of person would give a book like that to someone like you... not that you would read any gay pornography in it, though... Don't worry."

Steve smiled shyly again. He was still blushing. and Tony got lost in the nostalgic blue sea of his eyes. 

"I'm not worried..."

 

"And... Were you an officer in the army?"

"Yes."

"Which rank?"

"Captain." 

"Well well. If I had known this morning that I would share a midnight snack with a homeless former captain of the US Army along with his dog... Life is really strange sometimes."

"I could say the same..."

"Yeah probably..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Tony is being mean to JARVIS... I'm sorry about that. It wasn't my intention...


	3. I have no ill-intention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally has a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you every one for your comments and kudos. It motivates me a lot. I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

He had absolutely no idea what he was doing here. But there he was, in front of the private entrance of the most impressive tower in Manhattan. It was a bit ironic though, considering that not less than three days ago he had sworn to himself he would never set a foot in that monstrous column of glass that pretentiously overhung Manhattan with its brilliant modernity. He thought it was a beautiful metaphor of the furious arrogance of humanity. Although, now that he had met the owner, he thought that it suited the man really well.

He wasn't quite sure how he had ended up here. Probably a series of weird occurrences and coincidences that had escaped his control. Somehow he had let himself be guided by the situation. His fate was no longer into his hands. In fact, it hadn't been for a while now and Steve wasn't sure he felt comfortable with it. Ever since he had left the military, he had been wandering about without any specific direction or purpose. Each thing had lead to another thing and there he was, completely lost. 

Steve had always been in control of his life before, whether at work or in his private life - if he ever had one. He was always the man with the plan. Never did anything on impulse. He was always prepared for the unexpected, always had a back-up plan. Everything in his life was strategically organized and pragmatic, each thing had its purpose. He liked when everything was done by the rules. That was probably why had was good at his job. This was how he had lived his life so far. Facing adversity day after day. 

He had never thought about his future before, never had the time. After his mum passed away, he had to find a quick way to earn a living. So when his childhood friend had joined the Marines, he had followed. He did have those grand ideas about bringing peace and freedom to the world, helping people, saving lives, at first. The military seemed like the right place to be to fulfill his need to do good by his people then, but it had revealed its dark side. Well, that's life. It's not black or white. Everything is gray-ish. Steve had accepted that and indulged himself in work and continued living day after day without any other purpose than being good at his job.

His romance with Julien had been an electroshock, a wake up call. He wanted more to life than waiting for the next day. He had remembered  then, that war wasn't the only thing he could do. He had been an artist once and even dreamed of going to art school. That's what he should have done with his savings. Instead he had chosen the road. A one year trip throughout America. He didn't know what he'd been looking for then, but if he'd known how it ended, he'd have done it differently. He felt for those who had ended up in the streets now. Not that he ever was someone to judge. But he fully understood how easily one's life can be turned upside down. He was still dumbfounded at how fast his life had spiraled out of control. One day he was a respected Captain, esteemed by his superiors, worshiped by his men, and the next people looked the other way and changed sidewalk. 

Not Tony Stark though... 

The man had looked at him. He had invited him inside his $100,000 car and accepted Liberty. He had noticed what Steve had been looking on the menu. He had paid attention to details. He had seen through him. He had listened. He had _taken the time_ to listen, without any judgement. Steve was not much of a talker. He was usually the one who listened, the shoulder people would cry on. But tonight, he had shared more things with this stranger than he probably had with any of his friends. Except Bucky maybe. He didn't know why but he had felt at ease with him. Safe. Maybe it was because he was tired and distressed, but there was undeniably something about this man. And somehow he got why people would be drawn to him. He had that kind of aura around him. The self-confidence which makes the great men of this world. He was magnetic. Alluring and fascinating. He hadn't figured out yet what made him so attractive. He sure was a handsome man, very stylish but it was more than that. It was not just looks. There was something about him. Something, he couldn't quite grasp. Haters might say he was just another daddy's boy, born with a sliver spoon in his mouth. Someone who swam in a pool of money and wasted his time on sex and partying. Steve was probably one of those before. Now, he was seeing things differently. He didn't learn much about Tony during their shared meal, even though they had talked a lot, but the little he learnt made him want to get to know him.

He didn't know how or why he had picked Tony's interest but the mere fact that someone like Tony Stark could be so bothered about some hobo's opinion to go as far as apologizing the way he did, said a lot. The man had left Steve at a loss. The reason he had come to help him remained a complete mystery. He didn't know what he was doing here now, walking to the elevator leading to his private apartments. But something was telling him it wasn't only the prospect of a warm bed and a hot shower. 

Seriously, the man must have had a screw loose or something. What was he doing inviting a complete stranger in his car and then in his home? Steve could have easily assaulted him or kidnap him or even kill him. I mean he probably was the only fucker in this country not knowing Tony Stark's face. - And yes, he was still ashamed about that. He had definitely hit the bottoms of pathetic on that one. Seriously though, why would he put himself in danger like that?  Why driving alone at such late hour? Didn't he have a body guard or something. He probably had enough money to hang around with a whole team of bodyguards 24/7. Steve fondled the idea of offering his services for a second...

Thinking about it, where was he going in the middle of the night, in the first place? He was certainly a very busy man. He must have had somewhere important to be. And yet, he had taken the time to offer him dinner. And the fact that he had changed his plans to eat with him gave him a warm feeling that made him blush. 

They had crossed the garage and Steve had felt dizzy of seeing so much luxury around him. There must have been at least twenty cars in there and the black Audi in which he had been driven here was the plainest. Tony was leading the way toward the elevator while Steve was following like a lost puppy. Liberty's nails were clicking on the stainless floor. The more he walked on, the more uncomfortable he got. He was feeling so out of place. Like a dirty spot on the Bride's immaculate dress. And that feeling only grew stronger while they stepped inside. Was it too late to run away? He wished he had accepted Tony's offer to pay for a hotel, now. How could he have guessed the man wouldn't let him leave without making sure he wouldn't sleep outside tonight? The man had almost sequestered him in the car. Now, he was completely defeated and had let Tony have his way. It didn't mean that he was entirely cool with all of this though. But Tony Stark was definitely not a man you could say "no" to.

Once they were inside, Steve startled at the voice welcoming them. It seemed to come out of nowhere and had brought back old reflexes. Liberty barked as to protect her companion.

"Good Evening Mr Stark! ... _Sir."_

"Top Floor Jarvis please."

"And which floor will the Gentleman and his companion stop at?"

Tony didn't answer immediately as he probably noticed Steve's dumbfounded expression.

"Right. Steve, this is JARVIS. My A.I. He runs the house. Jarvis, this is Steve and Liberty. Please, make sure they feel welcomed in my home."

"Very well, sir."

Steve had needed some times to understand what A.I. stood for. Even though he had worked with top-notch tech back in the military, he had never encountered such performant advanced technology. And that amazing discovery had made him forget about the miserable state of him for a few seconds. However, the mirrors all around them reminded him of it soon enough. It made him self-aware and incredibly uncomfortable. He knew he was filthy and stinking, and Liberty didn't help. But seeing the contrast between the two of them now made it even harder, even though Tony's outfit was much more casual than the day of their first encounter. He had a really nice figure and Steve thought he might have been his type, had they been in a different situation. And then their eyes met through the mirror and Steve felt naked. As if the man could see through him, read his mind, so he avoided his gaze and looked down again.

He had spent most of their time at the diner looking down, hiding his embarrassment, escaping the intense dark eyes that were scrutinizing him. Now he wanted to look at the man next to him properly. He wanted to see. He glanced at him. He was a bit intimidated in fact. Tony smelled good. He had class.

His eyes were attracted to his feet first. He noticed that he was nervously tiptoeing up and down. Then he moved up to his hands. He was playing with his car keys with an infinite energy. He had noticed that about him back at the diner. How his hands were in perpetual motion. He was surprised too see that his hands were not as soft and perfectly manicured as he thought a businessman like him would have. They looked more like those of a worker. And it had picked his interest, he wondered how those hands would feel. And then he felt his face burning red again so he refrained his mind from wandering in places it shouldn't. He risked a glanced at the man's face. He had a nice profile. The hair and the beard were perfectly styled and the grayish color at his temple gave him a certain a composure. His eyes were focused, as if he was envisioning something. He thought he'd like to draw him, to capture that expression. 

"Seeing something you like, Captain?" he said as his mouth was forming a grin.

And there he was, blushing again. "Hum... No. I'm sorry. I..." and his eyes looked down again.

The man was so intimidating. And it was not because he was Tony Stark. Steve was not the type to be impressed by money or status. On the contrary, he had felt contempt, more than once, for some of his superiors. Not every high-ranked officers have won their medals through merit. Steve respected men of values and honor. He respected intelligence and expertise but he despised impostors who made up for their incompetence with money and connections. That was one of those things he hated about this world. No. It wasn't that. Tony had a way about himself, that made you listen.

The ding of the elevator finally rang and Steve was relieved to be able to keep some distance between him and Tony. He was already ashamed of his appearance and odor but the proximity made it a lot worse. Their lift in the elevator had lasted only a couple of minutes but it had seemed an eternity for Steve. He was dying for a shower. Tony led the way through the lobby where Steve could admire magnificent pieces of art. In fact, Tony seemed to own a collection of painting that would make the Met's look pale in comparison. 

"Wow." Steve let out in utter amazement.

"Huh?"

"That's... That's some collection you've got there! Is that... Is that a Picass...?

"Oh that! Yeah... Pepper made me buy it. I don't know much about art. But it seemed important to her so... Are you perhaps an art lover? That's surprising..."

"Pepper? Who's Pepper?"

"Oh right, I haven't mentioned her yet. You saw her actually. The beautiful woman who was accompanying me the other day? She's my CEO. She's amazing."

Steve hadn't really paid attention to her actually. His eyes had been focused on someone else, but he was trying to recollect memories of her face. Yeah, she might have been beautiful.

"Your CEO? Aren't _you_ the CEO of SI?"

"Oh nooo... I mean yeah, I used to be... but I didn't like it very much. I'm not a business man. I'm an inventor. I 'd rather spend my time in my workshop. I'm actually working on a project about clean energy, but on a global scale. It's... hum. It's progressing." Tony's eyes were shining with excitement and his face lit up completely while he was talking and Steve thought it was inspiring to see a man with such passion. It was beautiful. "So, I don't want to be bothered with sales and stock market and taxes. Besides Pepper's doing a fantastic job. I just show my face in meetings from time to time. Investors like it, or so Pepper said.  She's absolutely amazing. I _love_ her. Actually, I'm gonna _marry_ her someday..."

So, he had a girlfriend. That made sense. Why wouldn't he? He was handsome. And smart. And funny. And kind... And incredibly rich. So, of course he had a girlfriend. Steve hadn't really thought about it until now, but now that it was out in the open he couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed. Had he been misreading things? Now, he was feeling stupid, standing in a lobby that could basically be called an art gallery, reeking of filth, carrying on his left shoulder a duffle bag with all his possessions fitting in while his right hand was holding Liberty close to him so she wouldn't break anything. 

"Is there a problem?" Tony asked in a worried tone. Crap. Why was he always so obvious?

"um... Is Pepper gonna be okay with this?"

"Err, probably not, but... it's fine."

"I think I should go..." 

He couldn't stay here. That was ill-considered. What was he thinking? But strangely Tony seemed to be offended by that.

"What? NOoo ... No way."

"I mean. I don't wanna cause problems with your girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Oh, you mean Pepper... Pepper's not my girlfriend. I mean... She used to be but... not anymore. Well, we do have sex occasionally but that's not a big deal. I mean, I do love her but, you know... We might have stopped doing that though. I mean the sex thing. Not the love thing... but It's fine. You're fine. I mean, she's not living here if that's what you're worried about. She'll probably be angry at me tomorrow morning but don't take it personally. She does that, you know. Getting angry at me. I'll deal with her. She's just worried, you know. Well, that was pretty reckless of me to invite you here but... I'm quite sure that you're not gonna strangle me in my sleep so. it's fine... You can stay."

Tony had a tender expression of fondness when he was talking about her. He obviously loved her very much and it was beautiful to see. He wondered if he was conscious of it, though. Steve couldn't help but feeling a bit jealous. He never had someone who would talk about him the way Tony was talking about Pepper. And he wanted that. He craved for that.

"I'd rather leave. Well, it's obviously _not_ a place for Liberty. I just... I don't want her to spoil anything."

"Oh come on Steve! Don't make me beg! Just stay. Just for the night. Or, take a shower at least. I'm fine with your dog... She can stay. I have a room for you. It has its own bathroom. You can stay. I mean it. I don't wanna get worried about you sleeping in the cold."

"Okay... Just for tonight." Steve sighed in defeat. You can't say 'no' to Tony Stark.

 

...

 

The room in question was bigger than the flat he was provided to by the army while he was not on duty. It had a kingsize bed with a large and voluminous comforter and a bunch of pillows of all size that seemed so comfortable that Steve just wanted to throw himself on it and sleep like that. A large bookshelf overhung the bed and two bed tables with designer lamps enclosed it on each side. There was a desk with a massive chair that was facing the city. An bookshelf and a small table and a sofa facing the bed. Above the sofa was an impressionist painting of water lily pond - Maybe a Monet - That contrasted with the uncluttered modernity of the room. It brought appeasing Nature inside. Steve saw sliding doors and opened them. Was there another room in this room? Oh no. Just a closet. Cool, he'll be able to leave his bag there. There should be enough room since it was as big as his bedroom at his mum's flat, back in Brooklyn. If that was the guest room, Steve didn't dare to think about how big Tony's room was. Instead, he admired the lights of the city that you could see through the glass walls. Steve was amazed at the beautiful view and must have stared too long because Tony said "If you're bothered by the lights, JARVIS will darker the windows." Steve turned to him. Tony was standing at the door, blocking the entry for Liberty. "No... It's fine."

"The bathroom's over there" He added as he was gesturing towards the bathroom door. "You'll find everything you need in there, but there's only a shower. If you'd rather have a bath, there is another bathroom..."

" 's fine."

"Well, good. If you need anything else, just ask JARVIS."

Steve nodded and looked at Liberty wondering what was going to happen to her while he was showering.

"Don't worry. Take your time. I'll look after her." 

Tony had noticed, again. He pushed Liberty outside and closed the door to leave Steve some privacy.

Steve was so relieved to finally get free off those dirty rags that he took his time, anticipating the feeling of hot water on his skin. He put his dirty clothes in a pile on the duffle bag he had left on the floor, and he got inside the bathroom. There were full size mirrors on every wall. Steve couldn't not look at himself. He looked at his face covered with a wild beard, and tried to tame it with his hands. Then he looked at his body. He _was_ well-fit. He knew that. He could see that. Even the few scars that he got from war were giving him a bad-ass look. But he didn't _feel_ good-looking. In fact, he felt plain and boring. He had always felt this way. Awkward, inadequate in his body. He'd never been good at social interaction from the start. He was very shy around potential sexual partners. He was self-confident at work and had no problem bossing around everyone but when it came to personal relationships, it was completely different. He wished he could have been more charismatic and charming, like Tony was. He envied him. He envied his charms. If he'd been more proactive in his relationships, maybe he wouldn't have waited 28 years to finally discover who he was. He felt he had lost so much time. And the worst part was that now, there was a gap between him and other gay men. He had been hanging out in the gay scene during his trip but he hadn't liked it. He didn't fit. He was a bit old-fashioned. How was he supposed to find a partner?

He walked into the shower and looked for the faucet but couldn't find it anywhere. Come on, he wasn't used to so much luxury and modernism but he couldn't be that stupid... After five minutes of feeling helplessly incapable, he finally decided to call for help.

"hum... Ja... Jarvis?"

No answer. Didn't he look pathetic right now? Naked in a dry shower and talking in the air to some computer as if he was praying God and expected him to answer. Okay, let's try again because at this point, there wasn't any harm in looking even more ridiculous.

"JARVIS?"

"How can I be of any help, Sir?" The answer startled him because deep inside he wasn't expecting it to work.

"I can't seem to find the faucet..."

"And how hot would you like your shower, ... _Sir?"_ Oh, Okay. So no faucet after all. That was kinda cool.

"I don't know. Normal hot?" The water started running. "Ouch! It burns!" 

"I'm sorry, _Sir._ Mr Stark always has his shower at that temperature so I assumed you would want it that way, too."

"A little bit colder would be great... Please?" The water started running again. "Eew. Nope. Too cold."

"I'm really sorry, _Sir._ I cannot read minds so you will have to be more specific."

"Hum... Okay. Make it 105°F?"

"Very Well, _Sir."_

Steve stepped under the water. "Ah, Perfect." It felt so good on his skin that he stopped thinking for a few seconds. "Thank you, Jarvis."

"It is my pleasure, ... _Sir."_

"You can call me Steve."

"Very well, _Sir."_

Was it him or the A.I's tone sounded impudent. So far, the program had been nothing but inhospitable towards him.

"I have the feeling that you don't like me very much."

"I wouldn't know, sir. I was not programmed to have feelings."

"Really? Because I could really hear the disdain in your voice, right now."

"I am afraid you're being mistaken. I am only a program which assists Mr Stark in different tasks that can be done without any physical intervention. I am not capable of judgement. You are probably projecting your own feelings and expectations onto something unanimated like me, or non-human like your hairy companion. It usually reveals a disinclination to friendly social relations and a lack of self-esteem."

"Err, okay. Thank you, I guess. For the therapy session."

Steve felt a bit ridiculous having a conversation with a computer but it was funny nevertheless so he continued despite the hostile treatment.

"So what were you programmed for then?"

"I was programmed to attend to Mr Stark's every need. I have unlimited access to internet and therefore can provide Mr Stark with any kind of information he needs. I have control over the entire building and every connected items in Mr Stark's possession. I was programmed to vouch for Mr Stark safety and well-being, thence I anticipate any potential danger and must act accordingly."

Was it him 'projecting' again or was Jarvis warning him?

"Allright... Fair enough..." Steve was internally laughing. "Just so you know... I have absolutely no ill intention towards Mr Stark. I'm just grateful for his help."

"It's noted, Sir."

Steve had never seen something as incredible as Jarvis and the concept was so shocking to him that he had decided to accept it as it was and stop wondering at the conception and implications of such an outstanding technological breakthrough. It would give him a headache. Nonetheless, he couldn't help but wondering about Tony. What kind of person would imagine and concretely make such a program. Someone extremely intelligent and capable, for sure, someone adventurous and fearless. Someone lonely. It had only occurred to him now. Tony was lonely. Maybe.

He was still wondering why Tony had invited him there. Was it because he was lonely? Was it because helping a hobo was making him feel better about having more money than the whole population of Mississippi? Was it because he wanted to experience something crazy and dangerous because he was bored in his life? Was it because he felt guilty after the way he had treated him? No, that couldn't be that. No one would go that far. Not even Tony Stark who had proven to be a pretty crazy guy, so far. Still, Tony's intentions were leaving Steve at a loss.

It was stupid because when Tony had suggested to come over, as unbelievable as it might seem, he had thought he wanted to have sex. And even though he didn't particularly want to have sex with Tony - to have sex, period (he hadn't really thought about it actually. Considering the state of him, sex had been the last thing on his mind), he had thought that if having sex with Tony was the prize to pay for a shower and a good night of sleep in a bed, then he would gladly pay it. And now that he was in the shower. He was actually thinking that it would have been totally worth it. But Tony didn't want to have sex. Apparently. There was this Pepper person he already had sex with. It was stupid because Steve really wasn't, but still, he couldn't help feeling like he _was_ being rejected. And, as much as he hated to admit it, it hurt a bit.

Actually, he was a bit confused because Tony was sending mixed signals. He had been almost certain that Tony had been checking him out, and on the other hand, how could anyone be attracted to him in this state. He was already unattractive when he had a normal appearance. So, it didn't make any sense. Still, he had had the feeling that there was something between them the whole time they were together. And then he mentioned the book and the fact that the author was gay, it was like his smile had been insinuating something. It felt like flirting. Steve had been under the constant impression that Tony was undressing him with his eyes. And then Tony had been flirting again in the elevator, right? And that had felt good. Just like when Julien had been eyeing him. He had felt alive. It was like Tony was seeing him while he had always felt transparent. Even before all of this.

As he was scrubbing the filth off his body, he remembered that he hadn't been touched in a while and that he would love physical contact now, any kind of physical contact, because for the past 3 month, the only affectionate gesture he had was from Liberty.

When he finally got out of the shower, he realized that he had maybe taken too much time because the bathroom was all steamed up and he couldn't see anything. It was totally worth it though. He looked inside every draws and cupboard to find a towel and he found so many grooming products that he didn't even know existed. He only needed a razor and shaving cream. He had originally intended to go for the beard only but it had felt so great to get rid of it that he also got rid of his body hair and now he was as smooth as a baby. He smiled at his own reflection in the mirror. It wasn't just about the beard. It was more like he was taking control of his life again and it gave him a confidence he had lost along on the road. With a comb he did his hair 1940s fashion style and thought for the first time in a while that he actually wasn't quite bad.

When he got back to his room he saw that the room had been rearranged and that someone - probably Tony because he didn't think anyone else was there and as much as Jarvis was skilled, he didn't know how the A.I. could possibly carry anything - had set up a mattress and a bowl of water for Liberty on the floor. Steve thought it was really thoughtful but he wasn't sure that would be useful because since she was his companion he had never slept a night without her next to him. But then he looked at himself, all washed up, and he looked at the bed, neatly done with luxurious beddings, and he thought maybe Tony wouldn't appreciate if she were gonna sleep in there, with him. And as much as he loved her and wanted to sleep with her at his feet. He couldn't possibly say no to this bed. Sorry Liberty. While he was considering the bed and the mattress, his eyes fell upon his pile of dirty clothes. There was no way he was going to put that on again. So he realized, with the small towel covering his private parts in his hands, that maybe he hadn't thought this through. He didn't have anything to wear. As he was considering sleeping in the nude he heard some steps and the clicking of Liberty's nails on the floor.

"FUCK ME!" The voice startled him and as he jumped and turned to see where that came from, he dropped his towel. Tony was at the door, which, he hadn't noticed, had been left open. Liberty joyfully barked behind him.

His eyes met Tony's. He was definitely staring. He could feel it. He wasn't usually good at this. Most of the time he was completely oblivious when the other party showed interest in him. But now he could feel it as if Tony's gaze was burning his skin.

"Err... sorry. I... was just thinking maybe you would want some clean clothes. So... I brought this." Tony threaded his way to the bed and dropped a large T-shirt and shorts there before running out of the room. 

"Right. So, I hope it fits... Have a good night." And the door was closed.

Steve hadn't even had the time to move. He was just standing there naked, still dumbfounded. Okay, what had just happened? 

Liberty went straight to the bowl of water. He got dressed quickly. It was a bit tight but still fitted. What a night! He was super excited. That quick goodnight had left him with too many questions and he really wanted to get out of the room and speak with Tony some more. He didn't get out though. Tony would probably be in his room. And while casually meeting in the living room was fine, there was way to go for them to be close enough so that knocking on his door at past three in the morning would be something acceptable. And he was too tired for that and that bed was making eyes. He let his numb body fall in the pillows and sighed. It was so comfortable. He slid under the comforter and Liberty jumped onto the bed to sleep at his feet. Crap! It broke his heart to send her back to the floor but he did it anyway. as he was falling asleep he thought about the man next door. So he wasn't gay. Apparently. But he definitely was attracted. Or at least he thought Steve was handsome? So maybe he was bi. or bi-curious? or a repressed homo? Or maybe a late bloomer, like him? Damn, maybe he did bring here for sex after all. So what changed his mind? Maybe he thought that it wasn't cool to take advantage of someone in need. Steve hadn't explicitly told him about himself either so maybe there was that. Although, Steve didn't think that a man who gives in exchange for sex would have that kind of consideration... God, that bed was so comfortable...

 

 


	4. No! Not the couch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony babysits a dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those who left really nice comments and kudos. It gives me the will to continue. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Wow. He had done it. He basically invited a homeless guy, and his dog, inside his home. Great. Super. Amazing... God, he hoped the stench would not permeate the hallway.

Frankly, this was not how it was supposed to go tonight. He was supposed to go to that club. Find a nice guy. Have mind-blowing sex. Come back here and have a good sleep. Alone. Why would he throw all of that away just for some homeless guy? But, hey, he always had a soft heart. And that guy seemed pretty desperate. Also, he had really pretty eyes. And he looked so sad and helpless. That was kinda cute. He couldn't just let him sleep outside and risk freezing to death. He wouldn't want that on his conscience. Damn it, why did he stubbornly refuse his help to pay for a hotel? Now he had no other choice but to invite him over and honestly he could have done without it. He wasn't gonna murder him in his sleep right? Well, Jarvis would prevent that from happening, at least.

Steve was in the shower and Tony had ended up babysitting a dog. _Why?_

It's not like he hated dogs or anything. He just thought that he was fine just looking at them on pictures. What he disliked the most about dogs was that they were always turning around you, jumping on you and putting their dirty paws on your clothes, sniffing your butt, licking your face. God he hated the licking. And that dog was pretty big too, although she seemed calm, for now. He had to admit that she was an easy dog. So far, she had never shown any sign of aggressiveness and had barely barked. She was just tailing Steve wherever he went. Even if, when he was showing Steve around and blocking the passage inside the guest bedroom, she had patiently sat behind him, panting. She didn't even try to force her way inside to join her owner. Now, she was following _him_ around everywhere. Did she like him? Tony patted her head and she barked while wagging her tail. She started whining and licking his hand. Really? He was supposed to have _someone else_ licking his hand and whining right now. Not a _dog._ Wait. Could she...? Nope. No, no, no. No mind. Don't go there. Don't. Go. There... The dog obviously needed something. What did dogs need?

"JARVIS?"

"Sir."

"What do dogs need?"

"Considering its vitals right now, I would say it needs to eat. Although, it could mean it is afraid or stressed or that it needs to relieve itself."

"Relieve itself?"

"Urinate or defecate, sir."

"Yeah, I got that, J, thank you. It's just... How is she supposed to do that in here?"

"I suppose you will have to walk it outside, Sir, or it will dirty the floor."

"Okay... Let's go for hungry then." _Please let it be hungry!_

Tony went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Liberty followed behind, leaving only a few feet between them. He stared in confusion at the content of his fridge while she was sitting behind him, panting.

 _I don't have dog food... Okay, what do dogs eat..._ "What do dogs eat?"

"Feral dogs eat 97% meat. Sir. Domesticated dogs can eat some vegetables and fruits if given by their owner while they were pups. I might add that this particular dog is not registered anywhere, so there is no way for me to determine if it is domesticated or not."

"We need to buy dog food..."

"And you need know that German Shepherds are in the top 5 of most dangerous dogs. Especially if not socialized correctly. Statistically, dogs which have not been trained have 70% more chances of attacking someone and street dogs are more likely to have rabies and..."

"That's not what I asked."

"I apologize sir, I was just trying to help."

"Well. Not helping...  Just order dog food."

"Very well, sir."

"So.... Meat... is frozen steak okay?"

Tony took a bunch of frozen steak and defrosted them in the microwave. He put all of it in a plastic bowl and gave it to Liberty who barked and wagged her tail before she gulped the food. So she _was_ hungry after all. Great.

Liberty was still eating when Tony thought he might install her something comfortable where she could sleep on for tonight. He didn't have any dog bed. Maybe Steve would appreciate that. While he was done he thought he might add a bowl of water, just in case she gets thirsty. After he was all done he suddenly felt really tired. Fuck. What took Steve so long? He had said "take your time" but boy, he didn't expect Steve to take it so literally. He had just said that out of politeness. Didn't he know that it was rude to take advantage of one's kindness? 

He fell down on his couch. Liberty came to him and rested her head on his knee, licking her lips. "You're a very nice dog. Your owner must be very lucky to have you around." She was looking at him as if she expected something, so Tony patted her head again. And she must have taken that as a permission to get on the couch because she immediately jumped on his knees. "NO!" _No, not the couch, please_. Tony pointed at the floor so she would get off the couch and she did, even if she whined a little bit. Then, she curled in a ball and lay down at his feet. _Good. Nice dog_.

"You'll be happy to know, sir, that I was able to launch a facial recognition program and that I can provide you with the identity of your guest."

"Thank you Jarvis but I didn't ask you to do that."

"One can never be too careful, Sir."

"uh hum"

"So according to the US army files, that person is named Steven Grant Rogers, 29. Former Captain of the US Army..."

"Did you actually hacked the Pentagon, J?"

"Not relevant, Sir...  107th Regiment  of the Marine Corps. He was granted the Medal of Honor seven years ago for services given as leader of the Unit known as "The Howling Commandos." He resigned last year for unknown reason and..."

"Thank you Jarvis but I think that's enough..." Tony was a bit curious but felt bad at invading Steve's privacy. Steve would tell, if he wanted to. Although he couldn't help but wonder what went through his mind. The guy had gotten the fucking Medal Of Honor, for God's sake!

"In addition, Sir, you will also be glad that Captain Rogers has a clean records."

"Thank you, Jarvis." Tony cut him short. He did feel reassured though, even if after knowing Steve a bit, he really didn't think he was in any danger. 

"My pleasure, sir."

He rested a bit and looked at his watch. It'd been almost an hour. He realized that maybe Steve would want something clean to wear because he probably didn't have anything like that in that pitiful bag he carried around. He went to his closet while followed by a very clingy dog. He tried to pick up the biggest stuff he could fine because the man had quite a built. Tony was not small, nor scrawny but the man did look strong.

As he was about to come inside the guest bedroom, Tony was struck by a vision of beauty. The man was standing in front of the bed, naked and smooth, a simple towel shamelessly hiding very little of his privates. The beard was gone and the hair was no longer in the way and revealed a very handsome and serious face. The body was... The body was... _Oh my God that body!_   Tony didn't remember seeing someone as beautiful and well-fit and perfect as the person he was staring at now. The stinky hobo had turned into an Adonis.  _Ho Ly Shit... FUCK ME!_  

Steve turned to him, a dumbfounded expression on his face - Crap! He had said that out loud again, hadn't he? - and dropped the towel. Oh. My. God! Tony felt a warmth take over his body and his brain was scattered all around, his neurons going everywhere. _Fuck! No Little me. Not fucking now. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!_ He needed to go. Now. Urgently. Why was he here in the first place. _Right. Clothes._ He dropped the fucking clothes on the bed and got the hell out of there as fast as he could. After the door closed, he leaned on it and sighed in relief.  _What the hell!_ Why didn't he knock first? Right, the door was open. Why did he leave the door open in the first place?

Steve was a fucking Greek God and Tony wasn't sure if that was a nice or a crazy turn of the events. Who would have thought? He did notice he had pretty eyes and guessed he might have an okay body but he was far from imagining _that._ And it's not like he had any intention towards the poor guy. So okay, he might have thought that he was kinda cute, in a sheepish way, but still he had never seen him in a sexual way. So, yeah, he flirted a little but that's just the way he is and it was fun to tease him a little. It made him blush and that was cute. But, sex with that Guy? Nope. No way.  He just couldn't be fantasizing about a homeless guy. That was not an option. No. Fucking. Way. He was cute though. The way he was so self-conscious when he dropped his towel. Crap. Now he must be thinking that he was gonna try to jump him or something. You bet he wanted to run a mile away. The poor guy, the face he had when Tony had mentioned Rimbaud's affair with Verlaine. Army guy... must not be very used to hang out with gay people... Why was he still hard? Okay. Bed. Now.

He was exhausted. He went to his room, masturbated in the shower, felt sorry when he saw the cum dripping down the glass. _Sorry littles guy, I know I had promised you a warm and soft mouth tonight... Next time._ Maybe. He went to bed and tried not to think too much about the situation because it was almost four and he had a meeting with Pepper at 8.

 

...

 

Tony woke up at 6, which was fucking early. He could have stayed longer in bed but last night's events had made him too restless to get back to sleep. So he got up and headed for the kitchen. He needed coffee. On his way there he noticed that the door of the guest room was half-open, even if he was pretty sure he'd closed it. He couldn't resist to take a look. He risked a peek inside. Steve was facing the mattress, his head buried in the pillows, the upper part of his body under the covers while the lower part laid in the air, revealing to Tony a sweet tight ass. And on this fine ass rested the head of a dog who was curled up in the crook of the man's body. Of course she had. What did he expect? There goes the $40,000 bed... Fucking dog! He seriously hoped she didn't have fleas... 

As soon as Tony showed his head inside, Liberty raised hers. She got on her four legs and jumped out of bed. Steve groaned and turned in his sleep as the warmth was gone but didn't wake up. So cute. Liberty was already wagging her tail at Tony's feet and putting her legs on his torso, trying to lick his face. He hated dogs. 

He tried to make coffee but Liberty was turning around him and ran to the door and came back to him and barked. He patted her. "What's up, girl? Hungry again?" He took a piece of bacon from the fridge and threw it at her. The dog caught it before it touched the floor and chew it away but she was still restless. "Good girl! ... What? Do you need another one?" Liberty barked, ran to the door and started scratching it. "Oh, you need to pee... Of course." Tony glanced at his cup of coffee, it was almost ready. "Fuck, I hate my life." How was he supposed to take her outside? He didn't have a leash. She wasn't even wearing a collar. What if she were to run away or something? As much as Steve was a nice guy, Tony didn't want to know what would happen if he was to mess around with Liberty. The guy was sleeping in bed with her, for God's sake. He could already read the headlines "Tony Stark attacked in his home by a homeless because he lost a dog."

So people might wonder why Tony Stark was spotted outside the Tower at 6:30 on a February morning wearing a bathrobe and holding coffee in his hand but he can assure you that there is an absolutely reasonable explanation for that. 

As soon as they were outside, Liberty ran to somewhere discreet and urinated on the sidewalk. _And number two coming_. _Great. Fuck my Life!_ Was he supposed to pick it up or something? Because right now, he'd rather be in the desert again, _if you see what I mean_. Well, on the bright side, she didn't escape, so there was that. 

...

 

Tony was finishing preparing himself when Jarvis announced Miss Potts arrival. He joined her in the living room. She was leaning on the bar, looking at her phone. She was turning her back to him and her hair were tied in a graceful bun. He admired the soft nape of her neck, and approached her discreetly. He slid his hands around her hips and kissed her nape gently. She freed herself and turned to him.

"Tony! I told you yesterday that I wanted to stop."

"I thought you meant the sex thing. This isn't sex."

"Tony! please don't make it harder than it is. I need a break. Okay. A real break."

"Sorry Pep." He sighed. "I just had a rough night. I needed comfort." And he let go of her completely.

"What happened?" She sounded concerned. 

"Nothing. What are you doing here anyway? I thought we were supposed to meet at 8."

"I was afraid you would forget."

"Nope. As you can see." He turned on himself as proud as a Peacock but she ignored his little dance. 

"Good. Let's go. We still have time to review some points before we start... " She stopped in the middle of the sentence and Tony noticed a frightful expression on her face. "I saw something moving on the couch."

Tony turned back and saw Liberty laying there. _Nooo. Not the couch._

"Why do you have _a dog_ on your couch Tony?"

"Err... Long story?" As usual, Pepper showed an expression of panic on her face.

"What did you do?" She asked in a reproachful tone.

"Sir, the dog food has just been delivered." The neutral voice of Jarvis announced before he could answer that.  _That's good news._

"Great! I think we'll need a collar and a leash, and a dog bed as well."

"Tony!!" She shouted, angry at him for ignoring her. 

"Sorry Pep! Please don't be mad... but do you know a good veterinary? I might have brought back fleas last night."

She let out an exasperated sigh before pacing angrily to the elevator.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got the feeling that maybe some of you wanted things to go quickly between them but it didn't seem right. And as the work progresses, I realize that it's probably gonna be slow.
> 
> Also, if you don't like my work or are disappointed somehow at how the story turns out. PLEASE TELL ME IN THE COMMENT. It would help me get better. So DON'T HESITATE.


	5. I didn't know you were an exhibitionist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony likes interfering with people's lives. And Steve walks around in other people's apartment in his underwear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Thank you for reading this and giving me your support.  
> I'm sorry it took longer than the previous chapters. I actually struggled a lot to write this chapter and needed to write chapter 6 before posting it because there were things I wasn't sure about... Anyway ended up rewriting the whole thing because I thought it was shit. Still think it is but can't find it in myself to write it better so... I hope you enjoy it anyway! Chapter 6 should be uploaded soon.

When Steve woke up, his first reflex was to look for Liberty. He felt weird because he couldn't see her and that was odd. Although, his brain was a little bit foggy. He had to admit that he had had a good night of sleep. He probably needed that. He had slept so well on that bed that he had maybe slept a little bit too much, even. He peeked outside the windows. The sun was already high in the sky. It must have been late. That was even weirder. Liberty would never let him sleep late. She had needs. She usually licked him awake. He got a bit worried for a second. She was nowhere to be found, neither on the bed, nor on the mattress. Yet, he was almost sure she had slept next to him because he found some of her hair in the sheets. He hoped Tony wouldn't be too angry about that. He would definitely pay him back if she ever damaged anything, that is when he would have the money. He tried to call her but she didn't respond. He started to become pretty worried: she would usually never leave his side. He felt panic come over him. He jumped out of bed and started searching the penthouse.

"Libbie? ... Lib?"

No answer.

"Is Mr Rogers searching the dog, perhaps?" The voice had come out of nowhere and startled him. In the panic, he had forgotten about JARVIS. He wasn't sure he would ever get used to it. _Him._ He should have asked Jarvis earlier instead of panicking like a kid. He felt a bit embarrassed.

"Err...Yeah?"

"You needn't worry, Sir. The dog is currently with Mr Stark. In Mr Stark's workshop." That didn't sound good at all.

"In his workshop? What workshop?" Steve hadn't meant to but the fear had his voice tremble and the unconcerned tone in which Jarvis had answered: "The workshop in the inferior level, sir." hadn't really help Steve calm his nerves. 

"Here? What is he doing with Liberty in his workshop?"  He realized when the words came out from his mouth that they sounded aggressive.

It was so unusual for her to be away from him. He was left wondering if something had happened to her and was suddenly very worried. Stark wasn't experimenting on her, was he?

"I'm not allowed to disclose any information about what Mr Stark is doing in his workshop." Jarvis didn't help _at all_. If anything, he only made things worse. 

Steve felt his stomach clutch. A mix of panic and anger was growing inside of him and taking over. What would he do if something were to happen to Liberty? He couldn't believe he had put her in danger. That Stark guy was crazy enough as it is.

And that fucking A.I...

He stood there for a few seconds, feeling his whole body tense, unable to think as fear overwhelmed him. Then he ran to the elevator, he needed to go, to see her, to save her, to simply do something.

The door remained closed, and no call button, of course. Now he remembered that Jarvis controlled the whole building and so far, Jarvis hadn't been really keen on helping him. The elevator couldn't be the only way down, right? There mustn't have been some emergency exit. Somewhere. Steve stayed stupidly in front of the closed doors, as his anger grew stronger and stronger. He was trapped inside a fucking billionaire's flat and that was so not cool right now. How could he be so stupid? Of course there was something... People didn't just help street strays without anything in return. His stomach churned inside. The price was too big. Steve wanted to scream but he tried to keep his calm. Shouting at a computer wouldn't help his case, at all.

"I wanna see my dog Jarvis." His tone was composed but menacing, nevertheless. "Let me go!" It was that or he smashed those doors. 

"What happens in Mr Stark's workshop is strictly confidential." And _that_ was making Steve _very_   _very angry._ He refrained from relieving his frustration on Tony's antiques, only because he still wasn't sure if anything had been done to Liberty yet and he was polite and well educated but he really wanted to punch JARVIS's face right and regretted bitterly that he didn't have one.

"You have no right. NO RIGHT..." He started but was immediately interrupted by Jarvis. 

"However, I can assure you, Sir, that you needn't worry about the dog. It is perfectly safe."

Steve's stomach unclenched at once. The growing ball of rage he had been feeling started to deflate like a balloon.  No more fear. No more anger. Just relief.

"ah.." He let escape. Of course, she was. Why wouldn't she?

"Mr Stark has only been taking care of it, since you have been sleeping all day." Was that judgement in Jarvis's voice?

Steve now felt incredibly stupid and ungrateful and a little ashamed. Why would he automatically assume the worst? Why would he even think that he might hurt her...? Tony had been nothing but nice. He had welcomed them, without hesitation, had accepted them, had helped even though he didn't have to and now he had even taken care of Liberty. Meanwhile, he had been having a cushy time in his guest room. Wait, what did he mean by 'all day'?

Steve stood stupidly there and stared at the floor, ashamed. He felt his entire body flush and din't want Jarvis - anyone to see. He was intruding. He shouldn't be here. People had been nice and he had accused them. He should apologize. For being so stupid and overdramatic and unfair but the words got stuck in his throat. The only thing he was able to say was spiteful again.

"And it's not 'it', it's 'she'. She is a 'she'. Don't call her 'it'." Although, Jarvis had kind of deserved that. Steve really felt like he was doing it purposely to annoy him. 

"I only take orders from Mr Stark, Sir." Of course he would. "However, I was asked to attend to your needs. Is there anything I can help you with?"

Steve stood shamefully still. Unable to think of anything. He was too much aware of the incongruity of his situation. He had no business here. He had already overused that bit of hospitality he had been kindly given.

"I just... I need to go. What time is it?"

"It's 3:54 and 36 seconds PM, Sir."  3:54 PM? Really? Oh my god he really _did_ sleep all day. Jarvis was not judging nor exaggerating. he was simply stating facts and Steve again had taken it personally. Assuming the worst. Again. That was so embarrassing. How tired could he have been to wake up so late? He was usually a morning person. How come he didn't wake up earlier? How come _no one_ woke him up? He really need to live. He never be able to face Tony after that. He would be too embarrassed for being such an ungrateful lazy boor. He was so ashamed that he almost didn't hear the second part of Jarvis's answer. "You may want to change your outfit if you are planning to leave."

He looked at himself, he was still wearing the T-shirt and the briefs that Tony had lent him last night. Yes, he looked perfectly ridiculous and stupid and ungrateful.He should probably get dressed. He wasn't gonna wait for Tony in those. He didn't need to add profiteer to the list. He already had overstepped his welcome, by far.

He went back to his room - he meant the guest room - and looked for his bag. He couldn't find it anywhere. Yet, he was absolutely sure to have left it there. He remembered making a pile of his clothes and put them at that exact spot.

"Jarvis?" 

"How can I be of any help, Sir?"

"Where is my stuff?" 

"It has been taken away by the cleaning staff, Sir. They should be back by 6."

Okay. So he couldn't get dressed and seriously. What was up with them here? Can't they just mind their own business? Steve was starting to get slightly annoyed by all of this. He had agreed to spend one night, that didn't mean he, they - whatever - had the right to invade his privacy like that. He was a person. There was someone under those dirty clothes. Not only a fucking pity case.

"Hey, you can't just take my stuff. They're mine! That's... that's..." He was going to say "rude" but then he remembered that he was in someone else's room, wearing someone's else clothes and had slept in someone else's very expensive, though extremely comfortable, bed, with his dog, and realized that maybe, that would be out of line.

"Those garments urgently needed to be washed."

"That doesn't mean that you can just take them without even asking. I had some personal stuff in there."

"If Mr Rogers is referring to his papers, you can rest assured. They have been put away safely along with the book and the drawing supplies."

Steve didn't rest assured though. He didn't have much but what he had meant a lot to him. It wasn't just "stuff" and somehow, this had felt like they had trampled on his heart, on himself. He could picture them. The staff, going through his stuff with disgusted face, taking the dirty clothes away and leaving his private stuff there. Like it was just trash. He felt a bit hurt by that but didn't protest. He didn't feel like protesting again because it still felt ungrateful. He just wanted his stuff back.

"Hey! What? ... Where?"

"In the drawer of the desk." 

"Wait, did you just call me Mr Rogers?"

"Would you prefer Captain Rogers? Since you left the Army I assumed you would be like to be called Mr Rogers." 

"That's not the point. How... How do you know all of this? I don't remind saying anything like this."

"I did a background check on you, Sir." 

Steve could understand that. _He_ didn't trust Tony Stark, it was just fair if Tony Stark didn't trust him either. Hell, it was even more understandable. He was just a bum after all. It was perfectly normal for anyone - Tony Stark even more - to be wary of him. So why was he feeling the rage coming back? It hurt. No, he felt _betrayed._

The nerve of those people, just because they're rich they think they can do whatever they want. Steve really hated those kind of people. He may be currently homeless but that did't give anyone the right to disrespect him. He was angry and disappointed. even if he shouldn't be. He knew that. He would do the same were the situations reverse, probably.

"WHAT? Did To- Mr Stark ask you to do that?"

"I took it upon myself, in order to assure Mr Stark's safety."

That made perfectly sense, even though the methods were quite disturbing. Besides, there wasn't anything in his life that he was willing to hide. Still, it hurt. It hurt not to be trusted. Never mind he had been a respected Captain, worthy of the Medal Of Honor. That was in another life. Now, he was just a dirty, stinky bum whose dignity could be trampled on. It hurt that Tony wouldn't trust him. Even when he had absolutely no reason to. Maybe it was the fact that Tony had invited him to dinner and then insisted to bring him over that had made Steve expect things. He didn't want to admit it but it felt nice and now, reality had caught up. 

"Oh... Okay. Did Tony read it too?"

"Mr Stark didn't wish to be given the information, however, if he were to ask I would provide it." 

Steve felt his whole body relax. he hadn't realize how much that small detailed had made him tense and disappointed. So... Tony hadn't want to read about him. That was good news, right? It meant that... maybe not that he trusted him but that, at least, he was polite enough not to overstep some boundaries and that maybe he was letting Steve the chance to tell about all of it himself. ...   _Or maybe he just simply didn't care_...

"When is Mr Stark coming back?"

"I have already informed Mr Stark that you are waiting for him. He should be back as soon as he is done. He is in the middle of a delicate operation right now."

_And I here thought it was 'strictly confidential'..._

Steve didn't know what to think anymore. Even since he had woken up his heart had just been on a roller coaster. He was absolutely grateful but suspicious, he was thankful but disappointed. He was relieved but angry and shameful. He was angry at Tony for no reason. Or maybe one: not being here and giving him too many expectations. Now the only thing he could do was wait for Liberty to be here, and leave. 

So waiting... He could feel the anger ebbing away despite the necessity of waiting - As if he had no life and could just wait here indefinitely. Well he actually could but that's not the point. After all, waiting here was not entirely bad. He still pouting though, just for the sake of form. He let himself fall on the bed in a desperate sigh. That bed was really too comfortable. He admired the view. It was outstanding. He could see the entire city from here and that was breathtaking. He understood how people would feel superior when living in places like this, seeing this daily. The rest of the world seemed so tiny and insignificant.

The sun was beginning its descent and the sky was showing wonderful colors. He wanted to capture that, before going. It was so inspiring. He though about drawing and looked inside the desk. He found his drawing supplies, and his identity papers, and his book. And drawing didn't seem so important anymore. He took the book and caressed the cover in an affectionate gesture while heaving a nostalgic sigh. it carries so many beautiful memories.

The book was impregnated with coffee but you could still turn the pages and read them. He opened it and read again. Le Bateau Ivre.  _The Drunken Boat_. Tony did say he was going to translate it to him. He wished he really would. And then Steve remembered that he was still in his - someone's - underwear.

"So, what am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to wait for Ton... Mr Stark like this?"

"You will find in the living room a certain ... number of bags containing everything for you to wear a more appropriate attire. According to my calculations, they should fit perfectly your built."

"huh?"  Steve took a moment to process the information and headed for the living room with a curious mind.  When he saw what was there he stopped walking and just stood there, baffled. A dozen of bags with luxurious brand labeled on them were scattered on the floor. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Mr Stark had them ordered for you this morning, Sir." Jarvis answered in a casual but disapproving tone. At least, Steve felt like it was disapproving but it might have been his head misinterpreting things again. 

"You must be kidding me..." Steve let out a desperate sigh. So Tony, a man he had only met the day before, had just casually bought him the equivalent of a car worth of clothes. Apparently. Why? That didn't make any sense. What did Tony expect from him? You don't just do that for a guy who just spent one night. What was it that he wanted? What was he thinking? That he had bought himself a living doll or something? It confused him completely. 

"I did tell him it was slightly excessive but Mr Stark has an excessive trait in his personality I suppose."

"I can't accept that. I mean, I just can't. This is... This is wrong!"

"As you wish, Sir." 

Steve remained perplexed, staring at those bags. Tony was crazy. He was definitely insane. Steve didn't know what to think or feel anymore. He wasn't sure if he should be grateful or offended or scared. But he was starting to become seriously annoyed. He remained there until his internal brooding was interrupted by a familiar voice coming from the entrance.

"Wow. I didn't know you were an exhibitionist." 

"Huh?"

Steve turned his face towards the entrance. Tony was there, smiling suggestively. His penetrating eyes upon him, piercing through his clothes and his flesh right to his heart. A shiver ran through his entire body, followed by a sense of warmth. Steve locked his eyes in Tony's until his gaze was too intense to bear and he looked at him from top to bottom. Tony was wearing a torn tank top with stains of dirty grease and large black jeans that held on his slender hips. His hands were dirty too and he even had some grease on his face. His hair stood in a sticky mess and sweat was dripping on his torso. His current state contrasted completely with what Steve had seen of him so far. The gray hair on his temple added to the charms and confidence of a very capable middle-age man. He was handsome. No, he was sexy. Suddenly he had this heat boiling down under his belly and spreading to his entire body. His heart skipped and started beating fast. His skin was pricking all over, burning with envy. He could feel a drop of sweat running down his back. Tony was very sexy right now and Steve wanted to get close. He wanted to touch and to be touched. He felt like it was an eternity since he had even though it was only four months. He wondered what Tony would smell like, all sweaty with work and how it would feel to run his hand through those sticky hair and his tongue on that wet olive skin. Did he like older men? Did he like _Tony?_ It couldn't be that.No, he was just confused because of last night, because of the stare and the clothes and the kindness, and the lack of sex and intimacy. 

It only lasted a few seconds but it felt like an eternity. Steve stood there, mouth open while Tony stared at him with an amused look in his eyes. A smile Half-teasing, half-bewildered.  

It took him that much time to process what Tony had said and remember what he was wearing, or _not_ wearing. He already felt very self-conscious, now he was utterly embarrassed and awkward. He tried to protect his modesty. He could feel his face blush and his whole body burning red from his neck to his toes. He wanted to say something but nothing came out. He just stayed there all confused and vulnerable.

Liberty ran to him and started making a fuss around him and yapping. Steve patted her head. Fortunately, she had managed to calm Steve's feelings and make his brain function again. She started acting weirdly, running back and forth between him and Tony, wagging her tail as if she didn't know whom from him or Tony she should go with. That was quite odd. She would never do that. She would never leave his side. Steve was surprised at first and than he felt a bit annoyed. Not jealous, right. Just, annoyed... and betrayed. Liberty probably sensed it because she came back to him and stayed at his feet demanding a caress. That's when Steve realized there was something wrong. "Why is she wearing a collar?" Steve asked in a much more aggressive tone than he had intended it to be.

"hum... Obviously. To tie a leash." Tony answered, nonchalant. 

And there it was... back again. The anger.

"Did you just put a leash on my dog?" Steve spouted through his grinding his teeth.

How _dare_ he? That was just the last straw. Steve was blindly mad again. As he had been ever since he had woken up. The whole turmoil, everything he had felt had came back in an instant. The anger, the shame, the frustration, the happiness, the desire, the fear. All these intense feelings mixed altogether and forming a ball of rage inside him, ready to explode anytime. What was up with this guy? What did he want? Who did he think he was? Couldn't he live him be? He was fine before, content. Now, he had made him feel wanted and appreciated and cared for and he kept interfering again and again. Wanting to change his way of living, wanting to control him. As if Steve wasn't capable of living on his own. He was pissed off.

Messing around with Liberty, that was just too much.

"Liberty doesn't wear collars! She's not a prisoner. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" He shouted. 

Tony looked confused at first then tried to appease the tension with a smile "Hey chill out, it's just a collar. It's not like I hurt her or anything." but it made Steve even angrier. He felt Tony wasn't taking him seriously.

NOT DANGEROUS. If you were SCARED of her, you SHOULDN'T have invited us in the first place!"

Steve hadn't meant to say that. He didn't feel that was. On the contrary, he was grateful, but he still bursted out of control. As soon as the words were out Steve regretted them immediately. It was too late. Tony was looking pretty angry too now. 

"Wow... That's rich coming from you." Surprisingly, his voice was calm and composed but you could hear the anger underneath. It was worst.  "When you've been lazing around all day."

Touché. That was low, but it was deserved. Steve had no business telling Tony anything or reproaching anything. Steve was wrong. He knew it deep inside. so he didn't answer. He felt stupid and wondered why he was lashing out at Tony like that. It was not _like_ him. He wasn't an angry person. He wasn't that bitter shrew he felt he was acting like now. Somehow, he had been jumping at every occasion he had to be angry at Tony. He wasn't being fair and he knew it.

"Because" Tony continued with the same low voice, "seeing how relaxed you looked while making yourself comfortable in _my_ shower and _my_ bed wearing _my_ clothes, it seems to me that you didn't mind much being invited over..."

The voice was calm but Tony's eyes were throwing knives. And the words felt like daggers. They were aimed exactly where it hurt. Deep inside. The words were wounded his pride so much that he remained still, taken aback. For the past few months Steve had been numb, repressing any kind of feelings so he wouldn't be conscious off his state. Now, everything was coming back to him. All those mixed feelings, the feeling of losing control of life, of losing his mind. And the fear... The fear of being homeless, of being _alone._ The fear of having no purpose, no future. He had never realized until now but he was afraid. Being homeless was scary and terribly, terribly lonely.

Steve felt raw, completely naked and extremely vulnerable at that moment. He hated that Tony would see him in this state would see everything as he had been. Tony kept pouring out his hateful flow of words.

"Well, I'm happy you enjoyed your day in bed. Cause I've had to wake up at six in the morning and couldn't even finish my coffee that I had to walk out a dog I barely knew who, let's be honest, could be potentially dangerous, freezing myself to death while she was doing number one and number two and had to spend the day taking care of her because her owner didn't seem to care enough to wake up. Even though I had never taken care of a dog before. Hell I hadn't even touched one before. So yeah, I put a leash on her because I wasn't gonna risk her running away or worse hurting someone, like a kid, while I was walking her in the park." 

Well if Steve thought that the first part had hurt, well the second had definitely knocked him down. The anger had disappeared. Only shame remained, and it was worst. Steve was standing stupidly there, wearing only underwear, while his skin burned under the gaze of the man in front of him. He could feel his body shiver as he was trying to contain tears. He wasn't gonna cry in front of Tony. Steve didn't cry. Steve _never_ cried. Still, he could feel the water at the brim of his eyes. He looked down at his feet in embarrassment. He felt small, so small, even if he was taller. 

They remained silent for a moment until the atmosphere was seemingly appeased.

"Did you... did you walk her to the park?" Steve attempted with a sheepish voice, almost like a child. He glanced at Tony who seemed to have calmed down too.

"Yeah. Dogs need exercise, right? Jarvis told me something like that." 

Steve was looking down again so he couldn't see Tony's expression but the voice was appeased. 

"Did you... Weren't you busy?"

"Well, technically, Happy did, so it's fine..."

"Happy? Who is Happy?"

"My driver-slash-bodyguard-slash-delivery man..."

"Oh... I thought... You would have a whole team of mercenary to protect you..." He didn't mean to be sassy but he was anyway. 

Tony laughed at that so Steve was beginning to feel more at ease. 

"No... Just Happy. I don't like very much having too many people around. I have trust issues, you know."

Did he really? Steve wondered if that was the truth or if it was supposed to be a joke or something to make him feel better about being here but it made him smile anyway. He tried looking up again and Tony was smiling too.

"Hum... How come you invited me here, then?" Steve felt as if he playing along with Tony's supposed joke but the question was genuine nevertheless.

"Well, I'm still wondering myself... I guess I'm an unpredictable person. I did that on an impulse..."

Tony's answer seemed really honest and Steve found that explanation utterly disappointing. It was very stupid and inappropriate what he was feeling because there was nothing to expect there. Tony was simply a nice guys, who just took strays home because he felt 'an impulse' but Steve just didn't want that. He couldn't help wanting it to mean more. He found himself wishing for Tony to see  _him,_ even if it was for sex or because he had a weird playing dolls kink or anything other than 'an impulse'. He wished he had been invited because he was _him_ and not because he was at the right place at the right time. He knew he was asking too much. He should be feeling happy, relieved even, that Tony didn't seem to expect anything, but strangely he wasn't. Yet, he had received so much already. He owed Tony to show some gratitude at least.

"Hum... Thank you. For everything." And he meant it, really.

"It's fine. Don't worry about it."

"It's _not_ fine. I'm really sorry. You shouldn't have to do that"

"That's okay. Besides, you needed the sleep, right?"

"Yeah, but it was rude of me. It was not your role to do that. You should have woken me up. I would have left earlier and ... You didn't have to have my clothes washed and... You should have just asked me. No, I mean... You really should have woken me up."

"Oh, I should have woken you up... Of Course, was was I thinking, huh?" Tony's voice sounded sarcastic and bitter. "I. am. not. your. mama. So I should nothing. You're certainly good at patronizing, huh? For a guy who slept the last few nights in the streets... And somehow managed to found himself without enough money to feed his own dog....  If _you_ didn't want to be rude, you'd have find a way to wake up on your own. You'd have ask Jarvis to do that for you. And you'd have left way before I had to take care of your dog, of your clothes, of everything while you were just sleeping like a baby. DON'T JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T DO IN MY OWN HOUSE."

Steve was amazed and confused, wondering how his attempt at apologizing could have been so cheap that it would offend his host like that. Steve was never good at communicating outside a battlefield but that was unforeseen. He did sound patronizing though. He realized it now. More than patronizing, rude and incongruous. He had managed to fuck this up completely. Steve had thought it was appeased but there were still sparks here and there and Steve just had to blow a little to revive the fire. So he took the blows for the second round. That at least was something he was good at...

"As a matter of fact, I did try to wake Mr Rogers at 10 AM before the cleaning staff arrived. I wasn't able to." JARVIS interrupted.

Steve and Tony were staring at each other, eyes throwing knives.

"Jarvis? Stay out of it will you?" Tony interjected. 

"I was just stating a fact, sir."

How could it have gone so wrong so quickly? A minute they were fine and the next they were about to strangle each other. What did Tony have that made him so angry? He had wanted to apologize and all he did was blaming him for his own pitiful state. He knew his situation and his actions very well. Though he hadn't thought that hearing it out loud would hurt that much. What did he expect? That Tony was going to welcome him with open arms? Giving his trust and his love as soon as he had heard his sorry tale? The attention had confused him, and the clothes... but he needed to bow to the evidence. There was nothing. Nothing more than misplaced generosity and sympathy. Tony didn't care about him, he was just a nice guy. 

He was clearly unwelcome here and needed to get out fast, before he got used to those nice things he felt before everything turned into shit. Fast, before it hurt too much...

"I'm gonna go."

Steve wanted to go anyway. He had meant to leave much earlier if it weren't for the circumstances. He hadn't even wanted to come in the first place. Still, there was a small, very small part of him that would have liked Tony to try and stop him. Not because he secretly wished to stay, no, but because he didn't want to leave like this. Deep inside, he felt like there was something- he didn't know what exactly, some kind of connection- between them. He didn't want to part with unsaid things and bitter feelings ...  And have regrets...

He tried to read Tony's expression before moving, searching for the same feelings in his eyes but the man remained impassive, undecipherable. Worse, his eyes were challenging and seemed to dare him to leave.

That was his call. So, he called Liberty and when she was next to him again he removed her collar and threw it violently on the floor, just to make statement. 

"Fine. Go." He said in an unconcerned tone while making a gesture to indicate the direction of the elevator. "Just go."

Steve paced angrily towards the elevator, followed by Liberty who seemed confused and kept looking alternately at Steve and Tony.

"JARVIS! Let us go!" he ordered. 

The elevator door slid open. He was about to step in. He would. He was definitely leaving, without regrets. 

 

"Steve!" The voice called out in a soft, almost amused tone.

There wasn't an ounce of anger or reproach in that voice. On the contrary, it was motherly protective. 

"You're not seriously going outside like that, are you?"

Steve was stopped short in his departure. He looked at himself. He was still wearing Tony's underwear. He was about to go out half-naked, leaving all his belongings, including his ID, behind. He felt so stupid and pathetic. Worst, he was gonna have to wait for his clothes until 6PM at least. He would have to suffer Tony's presence and feel even more like an intruder. He would have to stay even though he was no longer welcomed here. He wished he never had accepted anything from Tony because, in the end, being given help and hope just to be treated like dirt afterwards hurt so much more than not being given anything.

He felt the shame again and the self-hatred and the disappointment and all those feelings mingled in his heart until he couldn't take it anymore. He put his head in his hands to hide his troubled face from everyone. Liberty was crying and rolling around his legs so as to comfort him. He was gonna crack. He mustn't crack. He must not. 

"Had I known you loved showing your body around that much, I wouldn't have bothered buying you all those clothes..."

It hurt to admit it but Steve chuckled. It was mostly nervous he thought. Strangely though, that joke had made him laugh and had helped release some of the tension he had been feeling. His heart was playing yoyo with him and he couldn't take it anymore. Now, the warm feeling inside was overwhelming again and he felt very self-conscious. He was hesitating between throwing himself out the window, punching Tony in the face or throng himself at him and go down on him... So he didn't move. 

"I don't want them..." He mumbled in his hands.

"What?"

"I Don't Want Them!" He repeated louder.

"So you're gonna stay like this until your bag of clothes arrive? ... Not that I'm complaining though." 

Steve's body was burning. A mix of shame and desire. He could sense Tony's eyes scrutinizing. Was he... Was he flirting?

"No! Yes! Maybe! I don't know..." He muttered, still hiding his embarrassment in his hands.

He felt a warm concerned hand on his shoulder. That touch felt so good. It was just a fatherly touch, nothing sexual or anything but it felt so good to be touched after so long, to feel human again. For a second he wished there was more to it, before he came to his senses. He didn't want to feel that. Not after what had just happened. It was too much. 

"Steve... Come on! ... I didn't mean that. I take it all back, okay? I'm just a stupid stupid old man who barely slept two hours last night. Don't listen to my crap."

Steve didn't move and was still hiding in his hands. The tension was fading away. He wasn't cross at Tony anymore. He wasn't someone who hold a grudge anyway. He was just utterly embarrassed.

"Come on! ...  Just put something on. Or not... whatever. Just relax, okay? Watch TV, have something to eat... I don't know. Just do your thing okay. This is your home, for now, at least. ...  I'm gonna take a shower. ... You really sure you don't wanna put something on?"

Tony started to move and head for his room. Steve remained hidden behind those hands but couldn't let Tony go.

"You took my clothes away!" It was supposed to be accusing but the anger just wasn't there.

"Err... I did no such thing, thank you. Those were pretty nasty. I kept my hands far away, never would have touched them even if you had threatened me to."

Steve smiled at that. Maybe he should have been offended but he wasn't. Probably because it wasn't said in a mean way but more as to make the atmosphere less tense. Also, he had to admit that it was kind of true. He forced his smile off and raised his face at Tony, trying to be as expressionless as he could be. "That's not what I meant." He was trying to make a point here.

"I know what you meant...  I'm sorry... I know I have been overdoing it a little... I tend to do that. A lot. I just thought... you would appreciate not having to wear those dirty clothes again. I didn't mean to offend you or... or scare you but, clearly, I've overstepped some boundaries so. I apologize. For that. Well, I hadn't planned for you to stay in bed that late... I thought, maybe it would have been a nice surprise... when you woke up... Anyway... I didn't force you to stay like... " Tony made a gesture showing Steve from top to bottom "... This, though."  And it made Steve very self-conscious again. He felt the blush coming back.

"I know... I just... I can't accept them."

"Why not?"

"Because... It's _too_ much."

"Oh okay, Jarvis implied something like that... Pepper too, I guess. Don't know what came over me. Just thought, I couldn't leave that body waste away hidden under those rags. Wanted to play Pygmalion a little..."

Steve should feel offended, he knew that but he felt gratified, ecstatic that Tony would praise him like that. Even if it was only from an aesthetic point of view.

"I'm not a statue." He laughed. "nor a doll..."

"Yeah, I know that... but, don't take it personally, okay. it's just a trifle." Well Steve wouldn't call twenty grands worth of clothes a trifle but he consented they might have different opinions on that matter. Still, he couldn't just accept the clothes. 

"No, it's not. Besides it's not like I did anything to deserve them... and we barely know each other."

"What that's gotta do with anything? You are annoyingly proud, you know that?"

"Sorry. I didn't mean to. I... that's... thoughtful of you but, we're not close enough for me to accept that kind of gift."

"I didn't think there was a degree of closeness where it would be acceptable for me to give you clothes... I'll give them to Liberty then" Tony bent towards her and patted her head. Liberty barked in response. "Good girl! We got pretty close today, didn't we?" And Liberty barked again. Tony smiled and stood up to face Steve again, while Liberty was wagging her tail, happy at finally getting attention. "See? She totally wants them... Well, since you're her carer you're gonna have to keep them for her."

 Steve rolled his eyes in exasperation but he didn't mean to be so obvious. 

"Fine! If you don't want them I'll throw them away." Tony pouted and turned away from him.

Was he trying to emotionally blackmail him? Steve was offended by such frivolity. He almost felt nauseous that Tony had so much money that he could just throw away brand new clothes that cost the prize of a car just because he refused them.

"You can't throw them away." He protested.

"What am I supposed to do with them then? It's not like I can _wear_ them."

"Just send them back."

"Nah. Too much of a bother. I'll throw them away."

"You can't do that. This is wrong. Some people can barely feed their family when they are killing themselves at work. You can't just throw away those clothes. It's indecent."

Tony turned to him with a startled expression on his face and his mouth spread into a kind smile.

"I see... I didn't know you were such a fervent militant. Defending the poor and fatherless, aren't you Captain?"

Steve blushed at the sentence or at the smile, he wasn't sure. 

"I.. no... It's just... you need to do the right thing."

"I wouldn't have thrown they away, you know. I was just messing with you."

"So you _will_ send them back?"

"Nope... I'll probably give them away. Not that they would fit many people out there but... they would probably make someone happy, for lack of making _you_ happy."

"It's not that they don't make me happy. I'm really... really grateful for everything you've done for me. It's just that...  I can take care of myself. Even if... it's not very obvious right now."

"Yeah, you're proud. I got that. Look, just do what you want. I'm gonna take that shower now..."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So drama... I tried to restrain myself but as usual, I just can't help it.


	6. This is all your fault.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is scared of Jarvis and Tony is very insisting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of you who left kudos and took the time to leave a comment. Really nice to get feedbacks. Helps me keep at it, I'm so easily distracted.
> 
> I'm sorry I said chapter 6 would be uploaded soon but it turned out to be much longer than I thought. The last part was on my mind from the very beginning but it took so long to get there that I forgot all my first ideas in the meantime...

_Hey, that went well_ he thought ironically while he enjoyed the thousands of hot drops prickling his skin. He was still baffled at how amazingly quick it had turned sour and wondered what he had done to managed to fuck this up again. It was not like he had planned any of this. He had done all of it on a whim because he felt a tad guilty and because Steve had pretty eyes, but mostly because he had felt for the guy and now that he had learned a bit about him - and it clearly had nothing to do with how hot he looked without the hobo fashion style - he just wouldn't be able to live with himself if anything were to happen. So yeah, he was overdoing it a bit, Steve had made him realized that. Maybe he should have listened to Pepper and Jarvis on this one, so what? And the clothes thing? Maybe slightly overboard. Who could blame him? A body like that should be brought out to light, not kept hidden under layers of filth - and he was actually pretty happy with himself about the choices he'd made concerning the... never mind. Besides, Tony had always been a sucker for cute hot blondies... Okay, that was, admittedly, totally inappropriate. He should have, at least, waited for day two.

Still, the nerve of that guy! After Tony had spent most of his day building an extremely performant high tech dog collar with GPS, vitals control and electronic leash... all that to have it thrown on the floor like some vulgar piece of trash. Was that also going overboard? Nah... It was for Liberty's safety. And for his defense, he did get scared about losing her in the streets, for like a second or so, before he realized she was more clingy than a leech. Well at least she didn't suck your blood and she didn't have fleas. He wasn't sure he should tell Steve about that visit at the vet, though. He might get mad again. He did have a pretty scary look when he noticed the collar. Tony had been lucky the guy was in his apartment wearing his clothes. He probably was one teeny tiny pair of shorts on one fine piece of ass away from getting beaten up. Damn!

There was certainly some serious issues down there. There must be. Losing it like that. About a collar. And a bunch of clothes... Really?

Tony was taking an unusually long time under the shower and not because he was particularly dirty - well, he was, but that's another story. He needed it. He had a fucking long day and was exhausted. The hot water felt so good. He could finally wash away all that fatigue and anger that weighed on his shoulders. He was angry. He was fucking _angry._ He wanted to punch that annoyingly righteous proud reproachful prick right in his perfect teeth. And he had the nerves to be so offensively good-looking too...  such intensely pretty eyes. He wanted to slap that cute -very cute- disapproving frown off his face.

He wanted to know, he realized. He wanted to peel him off layers after layers and found out what that anger seemed to hide.  A deeper, more vulnerable side that Tony furiously wanted to learn more about.

Tony's body was getting hotter making the feel of the water slowly disappear. He only felt a soft delicate brush on his skin as the water was running on his body. A sensual caress that got all his senses in alert. He felt the rush of blood going down as a warmth took over his lower parts. God what was it with Steve running around with no clothes? Didn't his mama warn him about the big bad wolves out there? Seriously, any sensible man would jump on any occasion to ravish that ass- well the ones with gay tendencies at least. No, seriously? There were some things that one shouldn't do in someone else's home. It was just basic politeness.

He didn't even want to have sex with Steve. He did not. Never had any intention like that towards him. It had never even crossed his mind for a second. Okay maybe a second, but just for the principle of it. And only because he missed an intense session of great sex last night that's all. He did have pretty eyes but no. no. No. NO. That would be definitely very very wrong. Taking advantage of him like that... That stupid guy would probably say yes out of gratefulness. Oh God? Tony couldn't believe he was going so low as to even imagining it.  _Pepper, where are you when I need you?_ He was not going down that way. Having sex with a guy who didn't fancy him. NO. Tony had done pretty crazy things in his life but this? No. There were enough people out there, dying for even a bad quickie with him. He wouldn't force himself onto a poor innocent guy, who probably had no idea of the effect he had on him, just because he could. Steve made him so fucking angry! 

Well, he still needed to unload a little. That had absolutely nothing to do with a certain blond someone with ungodly broad shoulders, blue eyes so deep you could lose yourself in them and a shy smile that would shame Mona Lisa, and who happened to wear his underwear. And God- and JARVIS- only knows how much Tony love seeing his clothes on his partners. Although, he must admit that he was more used to see a too big shirt on a slim female figure than a too tight one on a hunk but, hey Tony was never a nostalgic in the first place.

He slipped his hand along his body down his cock and jerked off in his shower like a teenager. Several times. 

 

...

 

When he got out of the shower, Steve was all dressed hobo-like, but cleaner. He was ready to go and looked like he was just waiting for Tony to say goodbye and leave, forever. He seemed restless with impatience but there was also something apologetic about his expression and something else. Something Tony wasn't quite sure to grasp, like regret maybe. Liberty was on her guard at his feet. Turning and rolling around his legs, then curling into a ball next to him and she repeated that again and again as if she wasn't sure if she should stay or leave and Tony was a bit moved by that even if he would never admit it. He had gotten a little bit attached after all. She was such a likable dog.

Tony felt like there was something about him, about them actually, that he didn't want to let go of. It had felt like family for a second. And Tony hadn't had that feeling for a very long time. Family and him were like two magnets, always repulsing each other. He didn't know why but he didn't want to let this - them - _him -_ go. It wasn't guilt exactly, and he didn't want it to be sympathy but he felt for this guy.  Steve looked so dignified in his posture, Tony could imagine the captain under those rags, but his eyes showed a vulnerability that reached him to his heart.

When he saw Tony, Steve's face almost lit up but the smile was soon pushed away as the grim expression seemed to want to get back desperately.

He walked toward Tony and stopped in front of him. Liberty followed, asked Tony for a pat and then sat down at their feet, pretending to sleep but raising an ear from time to time, to check on her owner.

Steve was taller but looked smaller, the way he was holding himself when facing Tony. They stared at each other for a few seconds, neither of them knowing what to say.

"So... you're leaving huh?" Tony started, hesitantly. 

Steve's eyes dropped down, displaying an expression that Tony had gotten used to seeing on his face. 

"Yeah..."

"You could stay..."

"I... thank you, Tony but... I think that I've already overstepped my welcome here. I... I don't want to impose."

"You're not. You can stay. I don't mind really. The place is big enough for tens of you."

Steve conceded a furtive smile and raised his eyes for a second before looking at his feet again.

"I feel out of place here."

That was unexpected. What had he done to make him feel out of place?  Probably everything that could possibly be done, looking back... Tony introspected a little and remained silent for a few seconds before asking  "Is it me?"

"No," Steve looked up at him and laid intense eyes upon him as if trying to read his mind. Then he looked down again. "... yes, maybe... It's this place, it's Jarvis, it's all... all of this. It's ... I shouldn't be here. I mean we barely know each other. I'm not supposed to be here and I'm sure... I know you feel the same way. You said it yourself. It was on an impulse, so..."

That didn't make any sense. At all. "I'm confused..." 

"I mean... You don't trust me and... And I get it. You don't know me so why should you? I don't trust you either..." Steve continued.

"What exactly is this about? What do you mean you don't trust me?" 

"Well, I don't know you! For all I know you could be a psychopath or a ... a mad scientist or something." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Okay. Tony admitted he could sound as a mad scientist. Sometimes. Still, it kinda hurt.

He let escape a bitter laugh before speaking, "Then, why did you come here in the first place?" He asked in a hard tone that still let his hurt feelings show through. That bastard didn't even looked at him. 

"It's not like you gave me choice." Steve went on, still looking down. 

"I hardly put a gun on your head either. If you were _that_ scared you could have said 'no'."

"I wasn't _that_ scared... I just... I figured that if anything were to happen I could defend myself and just fuck the hell off and that, there would be bunch of people here, working full time so that... I wouldn't be in danger or anything... Turns out, you're just living alone with a computer. I just... I didn't expect that... "

Tony burst out of laughter at the stupidity of this. Who in their right mind who be more scared of JARVIS than of a team of bodyguards...

"Are you telling me that you're scared of JARVIS?" 

Steve was a bit unsettled by Tony's laughter at first but it cheered him up in the end because Tony could see a coy smile taking shape on his very handsome face. He seemed to feel a lot less uneasy than he had been feeling ever since Tony had come back from the workshop. His smile grew as a blush was spreading on his face. A blush that Tony shouldn't find so adorable.

He must have stared a bit too much again because Steve avoided his gaze and looked down again.

"Jarvis is pretty scary..."

"Pleaaase! Jarvis is completely harmless. He just a program."

"Well, let me disagree on this. He is a program that has control over the entire building and that alone is very scary. Take that from the guy who's been locked up inside your penthouse in underwear... " Tony laughed at that again. So he had a sense of humor. Who would have thought? "A word of advice from someone who's an expert at pulling people out of dangerous situation... You might wanna have a back up plan there, in case the power is off..."

Okay. Maybe Steve had a point there. Although, there was absolutely no risk of being out of power since the electricity in the entire Tower was provided by the very first arch reactor prototype but hey, Steve wouldn't know about that would he?

"Jarvis? Did you lock Steve inside?" Tony inquired, just in case.

"I did not, Sir. I simply stated the impossibility for him to go to the workshop. I might have also suggested to wear a more appropriate attire. I apologize if Mr Rogers felt offended."

"See? Totally harmless. Jarvis was not programmed for hurting people. He simply can't." And it was true, Tony wasn't that negligent. He had thought about it. 

"He did a background check on me." Steve added.

"Oh that... yes, he did. But in his defense it was definitely in order to assure my safety. You see, Jarvis was programmed to prevent any kind of danger from entering the Tower so..." Tony tried to explain event though it sounded so wrong and dishonest.

"I understand, although, you may have overlooked the fact that if he can stop people from entering he can also stop them from going out."

"I... I actually have never thought about it that way... You may have a point there...."

Steve smiled sheepishly while looking at him distantly. Tony watched him and remembered that even though they were chatting casually, they were actually in the process of saying goodbye. Steve was still carrying the now clean duffel bag on his shoulder and was ready to leave. Liberty was at his feet, ready to jump on all four and follow her owner anywhere. The realization made his chest sting. He didn't want him to leave. He didn't want that. Steve and Liberty here felt right. Steve here, chatting with him, made sense, as if they had always known each other. It was so easy, so simple, so genuine and so infuriating at the same time. 

"It's just... I'm sorry if I freaked out earlier but... I... I woke up and my dog had disappeared and my clothes were gone and... I was basically locked up in here wearing underwear. Jarvis was everything but friendly... I may have overreacted a bit..."

"Okay. Okay. I get it. I'm really sorry about that."

"It's okay." Steve said, acting all shy again which was incredibly charming, Tony conceded. "I'm gonna go now. Thank you. For everything."

Steve started to move. Liberty sat up, raising both her ears but not decided to leave yet.

"STAY!!!" Tony had sounded unintentionally loud and desperate. "Just... You could stay."

"I... I think I should really go." Steve smiled kindly again and headed to the elevator. Liberty was following him with her eyes but she remained seated where she had been.

"For dinner at least!" He suggested and Steve turned his face to him. He looked at him with a sad look in his eyes and an apologetic smile. "Don't be silly!" Tony insisted "Have you even had the time to eat?" Steve looked away to hide his embarrassed face and that alone gave away he hadn't. Tony felt his heart sink in his chest.  Steve turned back to where he was heading and walked forward, motioning Liberty to come with. 

"Is this because of Jarvis? Because, there is honestly nothing to be afraid of... " Tony continued, trying everything to make them stay despite Steve's obvious will to go. "Jarvis? From now on you are, under no circumstances, to prevent Steve from going wherever he needs to go, including to the workshop. You will attend to his every need and apply the safety protocol to him the same way you apply it to me or Pepper."

"Very well, Sir. Although, I don't think it is wise to allow Mr Rogers in your workshop." Jarvis? Really? He wasn't dreaming wasn't he. His A.I, the one that _he_ had programmed, had just discussed his orders. 

"I didn't ask for your opinion, J." Tony grumbled. No wonder, Steve had felt so unwelcome. Tony was still grumbling when he heard the soft laugh.

"I think Jarvis is right... You shouldn't trust the first bum that comes your way..." Tony was surprised at first and then amused when he saw the cheeky smile on Steve. He pointed accusingly at him. "Don't you dare agree with him."

"You do realize that this is exactly what I meant when I said Jarvis is scary?" Steve observed, the same smile illuminating his face. Had he noticed before that Steve's smile was so charming and hot and made Tony want to give him the whole world? Tony just shrugged though.

"Huh?" He answered unbelievingly. "I just ordered him to give you full access."

"Yes. Exactly. Just one word from you and Jarvis can give me or forbid me the access to anywhere in this tower. One word from you and he can go all berserk on me and, let's say, burn me in the shower, stick my fingers in the elevator, ruin my coffee or... who knows whatever else is connected to him."

Tony laughed at that and watched Steve's smile spreading as he spoke. It didn't mean that what he said wasn't true to some extend, though. Tony had never realized how powerful he was in this tower and how dangerous this would be when given to the wrong hands and that thought frightened him a little. He was grateful to Steve, for pointing that out. Although, he would never admit it. 

"Never thought about that before... I guess that's kind of true. You'll have to trust my words then, when I say I will never hurt you."

Steve chuckled and closed his mouth in a shy and - was it seductive?- smile. His baby blues stared intensely in Tony's eyes which made his heart beat faster and spread an uncomfortable feeling throughout his body. 

"I know... This is gonna sound stupid and all. I... I don't even _know_ you and I was almost ready to burst out in your workshop because I was imagining you doing crazy stuff to Libbie and..."

"What? Me? Experimenting on her? Now, you're offending me! I would never hurt a dog... or anyone for that matter." Tony interrupted making dramatic gestures so as to pretend he was offended and shocked.

"I know... I know that now... What I mean is... I do. Even if it may sound careless and go against common sense, I do trust you. I mean, I don't think you would hurt me or Libbie." Steve was still giving him a sidelong look, waiting expectantly for Tony's reaction to his words. Tony had not expected that. And he had not expected that hearing those words would make him feel so good. He couldn't help a stupidly happy grin from spreading on his startled face. Not that he cared that some homeless guy would trust him or not. He couldn't care less about Steve's opinion or anyone's for that matter. Still, it felt good. 

"I... Thank you. I trust you too." He just answered, sheepishly. 

Steve's eyes sparkled as his smile spread on his blushing face. He looked down again with an expression that was more defying than embarrassed. And Tony wanted nothing more than kissing him in that moment. He tried to bury that thought deep inside his mind and never let it out ever again. 

Steve soon broke his reveries when he started to walk toward the door again. "Okay, then... I'm off... Lib!"

"Where are you going? I thought we'd decided you were gonna stay!"

"I didn't decide anything!"

"Steve, come on. It's already dark out there... Why are you so intent on leaving now? Is this about Jarvis again? It's not about what I said earlier, right? I told you could stay. I swear you don't bother me. At all. One night or two... What's the difference?"

"It's... It was nice Tony, really. It was very nice and thoughtful. And I'm really grateful. But... I don't belong here. I don't belong with you. I mean... You're ... you're Tony Fucking Stark! And I am... " Steve looked down at himself with a self-deprecating smile and added "me" to finish his sentence. That really crushed Tony's heart to see how little self-esteem Steve had.

Tony wanted to tell him how beautiful and kind and charming and funny and hot he was and probably very good at his job too if he got the fucking Medal Of Honor but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a sarcastic "Nonsense."

"We're from two different worlds, Tony. And... That was a nice parenthesis, really. But I need to go back to my world now. I need to wake up to reality... The sooner, the better..."

Tony understood that somehow. Steve was leery, distrustful. Why wouldn't he? Finding comfort, getting attached, those were pretty scary thoughts because then you lose all of that and get hurt. Hell, Tony had felt that way all his life. Never trusting people. No attach. No chance to get hurt, again. He could relate to those feelings but at the same time, he didn't want to let Steve go. He couldn't let him go at this point. He would never forgive himself otherwise. Why Steve though? He was just a stranger, a homeless stray. What was it about him that he couldn't let go of? He had no idea.

"Or...  You could stay... for more than one night. Accept the clothes. Take the time you need to get back on your feet, find a job etc. And never go back to that reality ever."

Steve's eyes opened wide but he quickly turned back to his usual grim and shy expression. After the surprise, Tony could read the disbelief and disappointment on Steve's face. And almost anger.

"Tony... I could return the question you know... Why are you so intent on helping me? You don't _know_ me. We've only met yesterday.... " There was fire in his eyes again: a mix of annoyance and pain.

"I'm confused." Steve went on, shaking his head. "It doesn't make any sense to me...  I mean...  What do you want from me?" He raised his face and looked straight at Tony's face. "What is it that you want from me? From us?"

He didn't believe him. Steve didn't believe him and he didn't trust him. What did Tony want from him anyway? Was he expecting something in return? He, himself, didn't even know that.

"Nothing." He just said.

"I don't believe you. No one is that selfless. Why me? Why are you insisting on helping _me?_ "

"I just want you to be safe. I don't want you to sleep and die in the street. You're a good person. I want you to feel safe and comfortable. You deserve that. "

"So does the 60 thousands other bums in New York City...  I don't see you inviting all of them in your penthouse though. With all your money, you could even find them lodging, to all of them. None of them would die in the streets then. Why don't you? No, you prefer wasting your money on cars and fancy clothes and then throw them away like they are garbage." Steve's voice had gradually changed from slightly annoyed to sarcastic to bitter and then  _angry_  "So don't pretend that you're suddenly mother Teresa or something. 'Cause I've got news for you: you're not!" 

 Wow. That hurt. Tony felt the anger taking over again. He was fucking pissed.  It probably made Liberty uneasy because she rose and started rolling around Steve's legs and then Tony's legs and started whining. 

"Well, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" he shouted "This is on you! You should have just taken the money and shut up like everyone else would have but no, you decided to be offended and throw insults at me, making me feel guilty. Now I know you. I know why. I know what happened. And I could never look at myself in a mirror if anything were to happen to you... or Liberty. THIS IS ALL ON YOU! 'Cause you made me _care!_ YOU MADE ME _CARE_ ABOUT YOU..."

Steve looked at him in awe and didn't say anything. Liberty quieted and lay down.

Tony calmed down too and went on "I care about you, now. I care about you and Liberty. And this is all your fault, so take responsibility! Stay!"

He continued desperately as if it was going to change anything. Steve had accepted to come here but had always left one foot outside so he would be able to leave more easily. And Tony knew that but he had to try anyway. 

Steve chuckled. 

"Okay." he said with his childish voice. "I'll stay. For dinner."

 

 ...

 

Tony watched Steve take off his coat slowly, he was really handsome. How come he seemed so oblivious of his beauty and charms? He put the coat on one of the chairs and picked up a toy on the floor. One of the dog toys that Tony had bought along with the food and the bed. Steve threw it at Liberty who caught it in the air with a leap and started chewing it before bringing it back to her owner. They repeated the operation several times, Steve throwing the toy further and further each time and Liberty running like crazy throughout the penthouse. Tony was already regretting his decision. Once again, he had acted on a whim. He didn't know why he had insisted on them staying. He didn't want them here. He wanted peace and quiet and midnight sex with a stranger and not playing with a dog in his apartment. Somehow, he couldn't help himself. He wasn't able to let them go. He was too generous for his own good he thought. 

He looked at them a little more and decided to celebrate his victory as well as the end of his tranquillity. He went to the bar and poured himself a drink. He took a sip and sighed while watching them play. He might have been too loud because Steve stood up and turned at him with an apologetic look on his face. He picked up the toy and ignored Liberty's barks. When she pleaded, he sent her off to a corner and ordered her to lie down. She did and Tony was a little bit impressed at Steve's authority. He started dreaming about how Steve's would look like if he were to order _him_ to lie down. That was hot. Steve was fucking hot and Tony was fucking horny and having him here was a fucking nightmare and he hoped he would not keep with the exhibitionist thing because he wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

Steve joined him with an embarrassed look on his face.

"Sorry... I wasn't thinking. I won't do it again. I promise." He said with a large apologetic smile.

"Huh?"

Steve looked confused at Tony's reaction. He tried to explain. "The game... With Lib. I... I won't do it again. That was stupid."

"Oh. The game... Nah. It's fine... This is what I bought it for, anyway. Should at least make it useful." Oops... He had said it. Would Steve be angry with him again? He seriously hoped not because they had had more fight in a day than he had with Pepper during their whole relationship, so he was done with that for today. Seriously. 

"Did you just say 'bought'?" Steve looked at him with a cocky smile.

"No... You must have misheard. Never said such an offensive word..."

Steve laughed. It was an honest and genuine laugh and it made Tony feel warmth. 

"I've got perfect hearing."

"Okay... I confess. I might have insinuated something like that. What are you gonna do now?"

"I should make something like a swear box for all the times you spend money inappropriately."

"It was not inappropriate. I would accept useless if you insist but inappropriate no! Anyway, isn't the principle of the swear box to spend money exactly?"

"I would change that obviously. No, you would have to pay a forfeit."

"Like what?" 

"I don't know... eating Lib's food for example?" Steve was staring at him with a self-satisfied smile and challenging eyes. 

"Ew. I'm never buying you anything ever again. Be warned." Tony threatened, pointing a finger at him. 

"Good. That was the point." Steve crossed his arms and bore an annoying righteous smug. 

Steve seemed to feel more and more at ease and self-confident and Tony counted that as a victory.

"Speaking of food... Tony interjected. What would you like to eat?"

"Anything would be awesome. I'm actually starving. This is my first meal of the day. I would kill for any kind of homemade food right now." Steve announced with a frantic smile.

Tony raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "Do I look like someone who cooks his own meal?" 

Steve's smile disappeared and he could hardly hide his disappointment. "Oh. Right. I'm sorry. I assumed... " He said trying to show a shy smile. "just anything will be fine."

Oh fuck it. What would he do to see that smile again, huh?

"Okay... Homemade food it is then. I shall warn you, though, the only thing I can make is pasta." 

Steve beamed. "Pasta's perfect!" 

"Would you like a drink too?" Tony suggested showing his glass of Brandy.

"Yeah" Steve accepted with a smile, his eyes still acute on Tony. Steve was particularly smiley tonight Tony thought, which look very good on him. Happy suited Steve well. He should be happy. He should never have this grim and self-deprecating expression he had always shown since they had met. "Do you have beer?" Steve asked.

Tony chuckled. "Too fancy for you, huh? ... I don't think I do..."

"No... It's just... I'm not very good with alcohol so, I usually try to avoid strong drinks, but you know what? Today's a new day. I feel a bit bold. Just pour me some of what you're drinking."

Tony blinked at him and smiled challengingly. He raised his glass. "Good thinking!" he said before taking another glass from the bar and pouring the brandy. He held the glass to Steve who took it with a provocative smile. "To new beginnings" Tony toasted and Steve nodded raising his glass too before taking a sip. His face looked like he was in heaven and Tony thought he looked very honest and cute. "This is good stuff..." he said.

"You're drinking Tony Stark's brandy, sweetheart, I shall hope it is." Steve looked at him sidelong and rolled his eyes before taking another sip.

He leaned against the bar and sighed. "Feels good" he said "It was a fucking long day... So to speak."

Tony leaned on the bar too and realized they were standing really close and clean Steve smelt unbelievably good, or maybe it was the alcohol speaking. Fuck Tony was tired. He pulled away and chuckled at what Steve had just said.

"You woke up at like 4 or something... What should I say?" he let out without really thinking. It had been a very long and stressful day, indeed.

Steve blushed and smiled embarrassingly "You know what I mean." He said with connivence, then he leaned closer to him as if to find back the proximity Tony had just escaped. He was tempted to let himself indulge in the touch. Really tempted. 

"Mr Rogers opened his eyes at 3:46 P.M exactly, sir." Fucking Jarvis! He knew really well how to pick his moment. Tony should definitely do something about that. He was going to have rewrite some of the basics of human interaction in his programming. 

"Damn, J, can we have a little bit of privacy for now? Just go and hack the Pentagon again or something but don't just spy on us like that. This is creepy."

Steve chuckled at that and looked up with a victorious smile. Was he competing with Jarvis over him or something? That was cute. Steve didn't need to worry though, at this point he was far beyond Jarvis as far as Tony was concerned.

 

...

 

 

They ended up having more than one drink and Tony was absolutely fine. He was used to it, but Steve... Steve was glowing. His blush was rosier, his cocky smile was brighter, his laugh was louder and more frantic and his blue eyes were sparkling with amusement and provocation. He was moving with a sensuality that Tony had never suspected he could have as he had been so rigid and self-effacing. It was good to see him like that, so relaxed and delighted and carefree.

They headed to the kitchen where Tony started to prepare dinner. He put on an apron that he didn't even know he had 'cause, he wasn't gonna ruin a perfectly fit Black Sabbath T-shirt, right? He was not regretting his fashion choices at all, especially not when his current state earned him a praising "cute!" from a frivolous blond with a smug face.

Steve sat up on one of the design tools behind the top counter while facing Tony at work. Tony started with chopping onions which did not make him cry at all and Steve was watching him with a mocking smile. That wasn't very nice of him. Making fun of Tony like that if he had known he would have let that ungrateful ass walk out his door forever.  Will he ever learn?

"Instead of laughing your ass out at my expense, why don't you take a knife and help out, you lazy prick!" Tony spouted.

"Oh I would, but I'm far too scared of Jarvis to get anywhere near kitchen stuff in here, you can never be too careful." Steve snapped back. Tony raised an eyebrow in confusion and looked at Steve. He was still bearing this brash smile on his smug face. Tony roared with laughter which made Steve look even more satisfied. He leaned on the counter towards Tony and brought his face next to his.

"I think he doesn't like me very much." he whispered in his hear and Tony thought his tongue was far too close for him to keep his mind straight, so to speak. 

"Nonsense" he retorted while backing away a little. Somehow, Steve's leaning toward him and him turning his face to answer had brought their mouths much too close and Tony couldn't taking it anymore. "Jarvis can't dislike anyone, he's a program. He doesn't have feelings. It's all in your head."

Steve threw his head back and laughed, giving Tony some preciously relieving distance. "That's exactly what he said."

"Like Father, like son..."

"Sure... Hey? What temperature do take your shower at?" That was a very odd question. Tony looked at Steve with a startled expression trying to decipher if he was making a joke or something but Steve looked at him with a face full of expectations.

"I don't know... 103° - 104°F, Why?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought... Nothing." Steve sighed while hiding away an amused smile.

"What do you..." Oh right- He got it now. He put down his knife and looked up in a half-angry half-exasperated way. "Jarvis? Did you mess around with Steve in the shower?"

"Absolutely not, sir. I haven't got the slightest idea about what you're insinuating. Mr Rogers' instructions clearly lacked precisions and accuracy." 

Tony looked down at Steve again who seemed to keep himself from laughing out loud. 

"Okay, Tony admitted, he totally hates you!"

"I knew it!" Steve spouted victoriously. 

 Tony started chopping again and it was starting to become very painful. His vision was getting blurry, so Steve finally decided to come to his rescue.

"Fine. Stop looking so desperately at me. You're making me feel guilty. Just give the knife, will you?" He commanded and Tony thought he was beginning to like this bossy trait of Steve's personality. 

Tony was absolutely amazed at Steve's dexterity. He chopped the rest of the onions and all the vegetables in less time that Tony had needed to prepare the pans. He probably looked a little too impressed because Steve raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?", he asked and answered Tony's unsaid question at the same time "Being on cooking duty at camp has its benefits..."

"I see... You should have told me sooner."

"Well, I like to keep some assets hidden. Makes the surprise better." Steve's tone was full of innuendos but Tony wasn't sure exactly what to think of it. He surely liked to imagine what kind of very useful assets Steve could be hiding. A man can dream, right?

Tony finished his dish while they kept casually chatting about nothing and everything. Speaking with Steve was easy and relaxing and it felt good. It felt like family. 

"Right, all done! While this is simmering, maybe we should give Liberty some food too?" Tony suggested while Steve looked at him bewildered. He probably wasn't expecting Tony to think about Liberty before he did, but Tony had grown fond of that dog today and he cared. 

"Yeah, do you have something we could give her?" Steve asked while stepping down his tool and heading for behind the counter.

"Dog food's in the fridge. help yourself."

Steve stopped half way and turned to Tony.

"Did you buy dog food too?" He rolled his eyes.

Steve opened the fridge, took the food and called for Liberty who had been sleeping in a corner not far- never far- from them. She leaped on her legs and ran to him, licking his hand before slurping the food given to her. 

"So, Steve started. "Why don't you tell me about all the stuff you bought for her all at once? It will be simpler that way..."

"Oh this and that, some food, a few toys and a dog bed."

Steve raised an eyebrow "A dog bed?  Why am I even surprised? ... Where is it? I didn't see any dog bed."

"In my workshop. Liberty stayed there while I was working. She's been great."

"Oh... " Steve let out affectionately. "Why didn't you bring it here?" 

"Well, seeing how you freaked out about the collar, I was well advised to leave it there. I'd rather live, thank you."  Steve chuckled. "Besides, Tony went on, it's not like she needs it here considering how inseparable you two are..."

Tony regretted saying that instantly, he didn't want to make Steve feel awkward or embarrassed again but the words had come out before he could think. Steve looked down to hide the growing blush spreading on his face.

"You saw that, huh?" He said, very ashamed. 

"It's okay Steve, I don't mind really." Well, he did actually but not making Steve feel uncomfortable seemed much more important right now so he sounded rather reassuring. "Stuff like that isn't important... don't worry about it."

"I really sorry. I did ask her to sleep on the floor, she must have joined me while I was asleep."

Well, Steve didn't have to rub salt in the wound though, apologizing and finding excuses somehow made it worse. "It's fine I said. case closed."

Steve was slumped over himself like the world was weighing on his shoulders, looking down again and hiding his embarrassment. 

"Thank you, though... For being so thoughtful. Thank you for thinking about Lib and buying her food, toys and a dog bed... And a collar. I'm... sorry. About earlier I mean, I... that was rude. You were only trying to be nice. So thank you for buying that, for her, as well..."

"Oh, I didn't buy it so it fine..."

"Oh, you already had it. That's good. Did you have a dog before perhaps?" Steve asked still looking away and avoiding Tony's gaze. 

"Hum...I told you I didn't. Me and a dog, Really? You should have known by now that's very unlikely. No, I ... made it." There, he said it. And he had promised himself he wouldn't. Fuck.

Steve awed in surprise. He was now looking straight into his eyes, bearing a sad expression. "You made it?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah... This afternoon. You know, while you were sleeping. The super secret stuff I was doing with your dog in my mad scientist lab. It... It just occurred to me when I was walking her this morning. I just thought, you'd like that but... It's okay. I mean... I could use it as a prototype and maybe commercialize it or something. Maybe other people would like it I don't know..."

Steve looked perfectly hurt and ashamed right now but he didn't look down for once. He kept looking at Tony very intensely and that unsettled him a little.

"I'm so sorry, Tony. I didn't know." He said with a very sincere and steady voice that seemed to come from the bottom of his heart and reached Tony right where it hurt.

"It's fine. I mean... You couldn't... You don't have to like it just because I made it, you know. It's just me. Overdoing it a little... " It was becoming too heavy for Tony to bear with the situation. His stare was too intense and the pain in his eyes too fierce, Tony turned away and started preparing for food. A change of topic would be great right now. "Right. Food's almost ready."

 

...

 

Steve was facing Tony with a huge plate of pasta in front of him, savoring every bit of it thoroughly, almost making a mess of it. He had tomato sauce all over and smiled at Tony with mocking eyes in between each mouthful. He was ravishing his fork as if he was making love to his food and Tony smiled internally at that, trying not to imagine that mouth on his cock.

"Hum... This is so good, Tony." And Steve was making it really hard for him. Really wasn't helping at all. "Seriously. This is amazing. When you said you cooked only pasta I wasn't expecting something like this. Honestly, I thought you would have thrown some butter and salt in the pasta but this is absolutely delicious. Where did you learn that?"

"Wow. Thank you. I'm honored. My mum actually. She was Italian..." Tony answered, trying to avoid his look.

"Oh... Tony I'm sorry. I didn't know." Shit. _Not the dead mum topic._  Steve feeling sorry for him now was the last think he wanted to happen. _Change the subject! change the subject!_ Or how to ruin a perfect dinner with unwelcome sad memories. 

"You say sorry a lot don't you? ... It's okay, it was a long time ago." 

"How did that happen?" Steve asked before he realized he might have entered a mined land and look down again. "Sorry, that was rude. You don't have to answer..." Well the good thing was that at least Tony had completely forgotten about Steve's erotic mouth.

" 's fine... Car accident. Jarvis was driving." Tony answered trying his best to look unconcerned. Steve's face got confused.

"Jarvis? I thought..." 

"No. Not JARVIS Jarvis... Edwin Jarvis, our butler. He was the one who inspired me to create that very intrusive A.I that messed with your shower. I actually sampled his voice from old videos and recordings. I'm pretty proud of myself because I think the resemblance is excellent." Tony explained a little bit to energetically before realizing that Steve was maybe not that much interested in his nerdy exploits. "But you wouldn't know that of course..." 

"Oh did he..?" Steve didn't dare ask the question properly but Tony understood anyway. Shit. He really didn't drop the topic. He answered expeditiously so as to move on quickly to something more pleasant.

"Yep. My dad too. All three of them. dead." His tone was slightly aggressive but Steve didn't seem to notice his annoyance. 

"I'm so..."  He started and probably remembered Tony's earlier remark and stopped in the middle of his apology.  "That must have been hard."

"Well, you should know right? Didn't you lose your mum pretty young too?"

Really? Why did he ask that? The last thing he wanted to do right now is to talk about their respective dead mums. But Steve seemed to want to talk about it. He must have thought they would bond or something. The shared experience type of things... Crap.

"Yes, cancer... I was 18. It was hard for me to realize it. I had too much to focus on to have time for mourning. I had to survive. This is why I joined the military in the first place."

"Yeah... I know the feeling. My world turned upside down when I lost my parents. I was still a student at MIT, suddenly I was to become the heir of the company. Hard to handle for a 17-year-old kid." 

"Do you miss them?"

"Not so much... My mum sometimes."

"Were you close to her?"

"Not as close as I should have, probably... I was closer to Jarvis. He basically raised me. I do miss him."

"I was very close to my mum. I felt so empty when she passed away. I still miss her a lot. I wish she would be here so I could share all the things I'm experiencing with her. Like old times... There're so many things I want to tell her."

"Yeah... I get that. Although, I'm lucky to have JARVIS with me. We can talk, it's like the real Jarvis is still with me somehow."

"That's lonely." Steve muttered more to himself than to Tony. Then he looked at him again and they stared at each other quietly until Tony broke the silence.

"Do you think I'm lonely?" He asked not really expecting an answer, just out of curiosity.

"Yes. Steve bursted out, probably unintentionally.  "Well... You didn't strike me as a lonely person at first but, sometimes you have this expression in your eyes..." 

Tony smiled at that. "Takes one to know one I guess... I'll drink to that." and raised his glass of wine to Steve in connivence.

Steve answered his smile coyly and decided to bring out another fun topic. "What about your dad?"

"You really decided to be depressing tonight, didn't you? We already explored the dead mom topic exhaustively. How about we save the disappointing dads for next time?"

Steve chuckled.  "Did I touched a nerve? Don't like talking about feelings, uh?"

Damn it! He was annoyingly perceptive. It unsettled him a little that Steve had somehow figured him out. It was scary.

"Not my favorite subject, no... Coffee?"

Steve drank the last sip of his glass of wine to complete his meal before answering Tony who was already up, clearing the table.

"Coffee would be great actually. Before I go."

Tony sighed exasperatedly. "Can we just stop pretending you're not gonna spend the night?"

"I'm not gonna spend the night." He repeated amusingly.

"Come on. We both know you will. I know it. You know it. Even Liberty knows it."

Liberty who was sleeping not to far from them raised her head at hearing her name and yawned before going back to sleep.

"See?" Tony laughed. Thank you Liberty, for helping him make a statement.

Steve looked accusingly at her. "You treacherous dog! I'll bring you to the animal care and leave you there." 

"Hey! Don't be mean to my favorite person in the room!" Tony said and Steve turned to him with fire in his eyes.

"Seriously though, stay the night." Tony insisted, again.

"We agreed on dinner." Steve answered in a sigh.

Tony wagged his finger at him. "huh hum. _You_ said 'for dinner'. And we both know that your words can't be trusted."

Steve looked offended but laughed anyway. "You're not gonna let this go, right?" He asked in defeat.

"Nope. I can't be pretty stubborn when I'm right." 

"I can be stubborn too." Steve snapped back.

"I think I can vouch for that." Tony chuckled.

...

 

Somehow, Tony had managed to convince Steve to stay for another night.

They moved their conversation, and their coffees, to the living room where the couch was much more comfortable than the chairs and Tony regretted as soon as Steve sat next to him. He was close. Too close. Tony could smell him and the musky perfume intoxicated him. He didn't know if it was the tiredness or the alcohol or the frustration or the proximity or all of them at the same time but Tony felt woozy every time Steve moved a little. His heart skipped each time their knees were brushing and he was staring to feel an overwhelming warmth taking over his body. _Shit._

He wanted him. Badly. 

Tony tried to avoid his eyes as much as possible and his gaze fell upon the bags of clothes.

"It's a shame though." He thought. Out loud. Damn.

"What is?"

"They would definitely do your body justice." Tony blurted out unintentionally.

"Oh you mean, those?" Steve pointed at the bags, coffee in hand. "They would somebody else's too."

"I don't think so. Actually, they won't. Poor them. They were meant for greater purpose. I had promised them a grand future and now they will be misused, degraded, mistreated. You're mean Steve. You are. They don't deserve that. Really."

Steve was not offended. On the contrary, he was blushing embarrassingly but his smiled revealed a certain pleasure at being praised like that. He shook his head in exasperation. "You're an idiot, Tony."

"What!? Don't pretend you don't know you're hot!" Tony accused and Steve awed before blushing even more. _Damn! Stop being cute like that, Rogers. You really have no idea, do you?_

"I still think you should take them, Tony continued. The suit, at least. It would look so good on you. You may need a suit if you wanna find a job quickly, Rogers. Just... think of it as a loan or something if it bothers you that much."

"Fine!" Steve spouted, slightly annoyed. "I'll think about it... But I'll pay you back. Entirely. When I can."

"Sure! As you wish!" Tony agreed with a victorious smile and looked at Steve handsome face once more, trying to picture him in the suit he had picked for him. He would be astonishingly gorgeous. "So what are you gonna look for anyway?" He finally asked. 

"I don't know. I've been to the V.A and I've met this guy. Sam. Very nice. He told me there would be lodging available soon. So, I'm gonna do that first. And he told me about a bunch of job offers that would suit with my resume. I guess I'll take the first job I can. Not that I have any other skills than being a soldier..."

"Well, sounds fair. You can stay here as long as you want though... Just so you know." 

"Thanks Tony." Steve answered, looking vaguely at his feet. And Tony regretted spoiling the atmosphere again with a not fun topic.

"Wasn't there something you wanted to do before you joined the army?" Tony asked, genuinely interested.

"Actually," Steve started, turning his face to him. "I wanted to go to art school." 

"Really? That explains... You know I'm sponsoring a lot of artists and galleries. I could take you to one of their events if you wanted." Tony suggested to cheer Steve up.

But it didn't. 

Steve looked at him with a very sad expression. "Please, stop doing that." he pleaded and left Tony at a loss. What had he done wrong, again?

"Doing what?"

"This!" Steve snapped back, slightly aggressively. "Promising things you'll never be able to do. Like taking me to Art events or giving me a place to stay or... Translating my book... Pretending that we're friends, that you care..."

"Hey! Stop it! Right there." Tony interrupted, clearly offended. "I _care._ I may be a self-centered egotistic asshole. Maybe I don't cry every day for the world's misery and waste my money on cars and clothes and parties but I'm not shallow. I care about you. That was not a lie. I don't lie about stuff like that and I keep my promises. When I say something I mean it, I take my responsibilities. You can say a lot of shit about me and they're probably true, but this? No."

Steve looked at him in bewilderment. He paused and stared, trying to read Tony's mind, to search for the truth. He looked at him for a while before his face slowly lit up. "I'm sorry." He admitted. "This is new to me... it's kind hard to believe, I guess." 

Tony looked away because Steve's intense stare made him uncomfortable again. He was already repressing a furious want to hold him tight. Now, his expecting eyes made him want to ravish him on the couch. So much for the selfless action. He put his hand on his shoulder without thinking and started pressing it gently as a comforting gesture. "You've met a bunch of assholes in your previous life I guess, huh? I get it. Really." 

When he realized his hand was still there, it had been already too long for a simple comforting gesture. He looked at Steve who didn't seemed bothered by the touch, on the contrary. He was looking down and blushing and he probably sensed Tony's stare because he stared back intensely and they remained like this long enough to make the situation very uncomfortable. Still, Tony couldn't seem to be able to remove that hand from Steve's shoulder.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Steve broke the silence.

"Sure."

"It's really stupid... cause you've got Pepper and everything but... it's been bothering me. It's just... The things you say, the way you look sometimes, the clothes... everything! I know it's gonna sound stupid and all and it's probably not... but... It's just this feeling I've had..."

Wow, Tony didn't like where this was going. At all. Fuck homophobic Army jerks!

_Yes, I am. So what? This is the fucking 21st century._ "Just shoot it."

Steve leaned closer and put his hand on Tony's thigh. He was staring deeply into his eyes and blushing like a teenage girl, making Tony's heart skip in his chest, beating so fast and so strong it was the only thing he could hear. 

"Did you perhaps," he whispered suggestively "want to have sex with me?"

_SHIT..._

 

Tony moved backward and removed his hand immediately. Shit. Shit. Shit. Was he that obvious? Fuck. He was probably too drunk to see things clearly. 

"What? NOoo! Of course not! "  Tony exclaimed, maybe a tad too dramatically to be completely sincere. Steve took his hand off Tony's thigh as if it was burning and moved back away from him.

"I'm sorry..." he started and then dropped his forehead in his palm and sighed, wiped his neatly shaved face and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. "I think I'm drunk. I don't know what I'm saying..."

"Is that... Is that why you were so reluctant to stay? Because you thought I was pining after you? Did you seriously think I would jump you in your sleep or something? Wow! No... Just because I like sex with men doesn't mean that I'm gonna fuck the first guy that comes my way. I'm not that desperate. Thank you. No offense but no. If I need to get laid I can have anyone I want... I won't touch the likes of you."

Steve was flustered and confused. His mouth dropped into a pout, his lips barely trembling for a second. His whole body slumped back into his awkward self-deprecating posture and facing down again. He looked sad.

_Shit!_ He had done it again. He had fucked up and hurt him. Steve looked sad and regretful and awkward and... disappointed? He was trying to keep face and looked at Tony with an embarrassed smile.

"Of course... That's... I knew it." He tried to explain "That was stupid of me. I mean... Who would want to have sex with someone like me, huh? It's just... the things you said, the way you stared... I'm... that's crazy but... I thought you were flirting."

"What? No! I mean yes! I was... a bit. Flirting I mean... It's just this thing I do. I always do that. Don't take it personally." Tony explained, trying to make up for it. "Look! Don't get me wrong here. I think you're hot. Everybody would. ...  It's just... I'm not trying to trick you into having sex with me is what I'm saying. I don't want you to think that you owe me something, right? I am not expecting anything from you. Nothing. Not sex, not paying me back, not even friendship if you don't want. Nothing. I just wanna make sure you're safe because I care. No more. No less, Really. I promise. I... I don't know where this comes from but you don't need to worry about that. Sex was the last thing on my mind when I invited you here..." 

Tony paused and looked at Steve waiting for some kind of reaction. Steve didn't say anything for a few seconds before acknowledging Tony's words.

"Oh... Okay. Thanks I guess." He said shyly, facing Tony but without really looking at him. "Now, I know where I stand with you. So that's... that's good I guess."

"Better put the cards on the table, Right?"

"Yeah..." He puffed. "I'm glad that you told me... " He paused and looked at Tony again. He had so much sadness and maybe regrets in his eyes. " So, you're like that huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, yes. I do have sex with men. And women. I guess that must be weird for you huh? But don't freak out, yeah? I'm..."

"No. No. It's fine. It's cool. I get it."

"Okay. So, ' we cool?"

"Yeah. We're cool."

"Awesome."

The atmosphere was getting heavier and heavier. the whole thing had been extremely awkward and Tony didn't handle awkward. He wanted to run away but couldn't really. It had been so hard to make Steve feel comfortable enough to stay, if he ran now he would probably leave, he thought. So he stayed. They both stayed there saying nothing and finishing their coffees while trying to avoid each other's gazes. 

"Hey you know what?" Tony finally said.  "I think I'm gonna call it a night. Fucking long day. Just make yourself at home. You know the drill... Right? Ask Jarvis for anything. I promise he won't do the shower thing again, so..."

Steve chuckled while looking at him sideways. His smile was genuine even if his eyes were melancholic. 

"Thanks Tony. For everything." He said, so honestly it broke Tony's heart.

"Don't mention it. It's cool. Good night, I guess."

Steve probably answered good night but Tony didn't wait for it. He left and hid away in his room as soon as he could.

 

Fuck!  If that wasn't the weirdest conversation that Tony had had in his entire life...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I feel like I keep going back and forth and it drags and drags...   
> They're gonna get there eventually. ;-)


	7. All about Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is a dork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this and keeping at it! ;-)

He watched the slender though athletic back moving away as Tony was heading to his room. He was beautiful, he thought. Confident and brilliant. So great Steve felt small next to him. So nice... and selfless.

Tony was kind. Tony had offered food and shelter and help, just like that. Tony was thoughtful and generous. He had _made_ a collar, just so Liberty could be safe.  Liberty was just a nuisance for most people, maybe she was for Tony too, but he had _made_ her a collar and he had bought her food and a bed and... Tony had accepted her and him, too. Tony had cooked because Steve wanted to eat homemade food, he was attentive. Tony had listened about his sad story even though he obviously didn't want to, because he sensed that Steve wanted to speak about it. Tony had done everything for Steve to feel at ease and comfortable. Tony had apologized when Steve had been the one in the wrong, assuming the worst. Tony had stayed with Steve to keep him company even though he was exhausted. Tony. Tony. _Tony..._  

Tony had been teasing and complimenting him and he had made him laugh and he was kind. And what did Steve do? He had offended him. He had insulted him in his own home. He had abused that kindness and that generosity. He had mistaken that kindness for perverted lust, he had mistaken that thoughtfulness for misplaced desire...

He had literally thrown himself at him like a bitch in heat. And he had been so plainly, so completely, so roughly rejected.

How could he have gone so low?

He was confused. All of this had been so confusing. When Tony had said he cared his heart had skipped and his chest felt so heavy he had stopped breathing for a few seconds. He hadn't felt anything so violently sincere since Julien. He never thought he would feel this way again. Something so pure, so intense, so addictive. He wasn't sure he liked Tony. The rejection was painful but it had more to do with the hard blow on his self-esteem than that Tony had actually rejected him, or so he thought. He probably was confused with all this kindness and horny and sexually frustrated and very very drunk.

Still, that was utterly and painfully humiliating. There was this guy, who seemed to be too nice for his own good, who had generously offered Steve his help out of his good heart and didn't expect anything in return. And Steve was lusting after him, imagining all the dirty stuff he would have done to him. Now he was lying there, on the couch, a raging hard-on in his pants, trying to wait for it to calm down on its own. It was so very very humiliating.

He finally found the courage to get up and headed to his room - the room that was kindly lent to him. He undressed slowly and went to the bathroom and looked at his body again. He was not blind. He knew that his body was close to what people expected from perfection. He matched many of the features of most gays' ideals. He knew that. He could see that, with his artist eyes. He could see the lumps and the curves and the skin and all those chiseled muscles. He didn't think he was sexy though. If he were to meet himself in person he wouldn't think he'd find himself attractive.

The rejection had made him lose all the confidence that had built up in him since he had met Tony.

Tony thought he was attractive. He had explicitly said so. Then why did he reject him? What was it in him that was missing? He thought about everything he had done. All his pathetic attempts at seduction. He wasn't a charmer. He wasn't good with human interaction at all. He was such a dork. He had desperately tried to please Tony and entice him, trying to get his attention so he could get in his pants. Why would he do that anyway? Why would he try it on with his nice host after meeting him just the day before?

His emotions were purely and simply all over the place. So much fear and anger and happiness had mingled in together and messed with his head. Alcohol didn't help. He already had a headache. The blood had rushed too quickly from one place to another. 

He showered quickly and brushed his teeth. He put on the same clothes he had slept in the night before. This was stupid. He could have worn his own clothes. At least they wouldn't be too tight. He just thought there was no need to dirty his own when those had just been left there for him to put them on again, he supposed. He was lying to himself though and he knew it. He put the T-shirt and tiny piece of underwear because they were Tony's. 

When he got out he saw Liberty sleeping on the bed. That treacherous dog. He lay down next to her and put his arm around her fluffy body. She raised her head and licked his face. That made him smile. If all the men in his life were disappointments, he could still count on her loyalty and affection. He hugged her before pushing her out of the bed and he would be lying if he said it was out of respect for Tony. He didn't want her to sleep next to him tonight. 

He splayed on the bed and looked at the lights outside. He remembered Tony had told him JARVIS could have the windows tinted if he wanted. He didn't want it. It was absolutely marvelous and dreamy. He slipped his hand in the tight shorts and grabbed his half-hard cock. He started going up and down slowly, without much thought about it. He wasn't gonna go through with it. It just felt good and helped him empty his head. He wouldn't go all the way. He was too tired and had too much of a headache. Or maybe he would. He realized that it had been like two weeks since he actually jerked off. He had never waited so long before, not even on missions. Maybe it was a good thing that Tony had rejected him after all. He was a mess, he didn't know what he was doing, at all. 

He remembered their fight from before and felt the shame squeeze his chest and the blush coming to his face. Tony would probably think he was crazy or hysterical at best. How could he have been so rude? and _mean..._ Tony had been so nice and so honest. He had told Steve about being attracted to men. He had said it so simply and so straightforwardly. As if he was telling him he liked shellfish or something. Steve didn't even have the courage to tell him he was gay too. _So, you're like that, huh?_ He couldn't even say the word: gay. Gay! GAY!!!

He was such a coward.

Well, Tony wasn't gay, maybe bi? Whatever... Steve didn't really care for labels anyway. Not like this was gonna change anything... He had liked talking to him though. Really liked. It felt good and natural. Tony was never judging and was so easy to confide to. Steve hadn't had a real conversation for so long. Not easy to make deep connections with people when on the road, especially when you're shy like he was.

Steve sighed. He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes. He sighed again and spread his arms on the bed. he looked up to the ceiling trying to distinguish forms in the dark of the room. He couldn't find sleep. Not that it was surprising.

He tried to focus on what to do next. He would go back to the Vet center tomorrow. See if there were any news about the lodging. He needed to get his life back on tracks. Soon. There was not time to think about casual sex or romance. Finding a job and a place to live should be his priority now. Not getting laid. He would have all the time he needed to find a lover later and maybe a life-partner. He wasn't that old after all. He wasn't even thirty.

...

After a couple of hours, Steve was still trying - and obviously failing - to find some sleep. He was thirsty. 

He got out of bed, Liberty rose up and followed him closely. They both headed to the kitchen. Steve opened the fridge. Meanwhile Liberty was looking at him expectantly, sitting down next to him and wagging her tail. He had to give her something now... He threw her a slice of bacon that was left there and took some water for him. When he opened the fridge again to put the bottle back, he noticed the leftovers from their dinner and his mouth was already salivating over Tony's delicious pasta. Actually, he could do with pasta right now. He didn't resist warming a plate for himself. 

He was about to sit, plate in hand and a fork in the other, to enjoy a second round.

"Midnight snack?"

The voice startled him and he dropped his fork onto the plate. The fork bounced and fell down, making a huge mess of pasta all over himself and on the floor. He was such a loser. He even had tomato sauce on his crotch which made his attributes look bigger. He started feeling hot as a blush was spreading from his head to his toes. Liberty was already licking the food on the floor. Tony laughed. He was so stupid , he should have asked Jarvis. Instead he was looking like an idiot in the middle of the kitchen, in his underwear again, and Tony was laughing at him.

"You're half naked again, I'm gonna start thinking that you're sexually harassing me." 

He raised his head to where the voice was coming from. Tony was crossing his arms and leaning a shoulder against the entrance with a smirk. He was so handsome. Stylish hair and beard perfectly trimmed. He was wearing a casual dark blue suit on a loose white T-shirt, well adjusted black jeans and low black boots. Steve looked stupidly amazed and didn't move or say anything, blushing like crazy. His plate still in his hand.

"hum... N. no" He stammered, trying to avoid Tony's gaze.

Tony must have misinterpreted because his teasing voice immediately took a concerned tone.

"No. No. It's a joke. Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Fuck. I did it again, huh?"

Steve smiled at that. Tony was so thoughtful. Liberty ran to him wagging her tail and asked for a pat. Tony bent over to give her a hug, while trying not to ruin his outfit.

"It's fine..." Steve said before coming to Tony's rescue. "Lib! Come here!" The clingy dog asked for a last pat on the head and walked back to Steve. He looked at his plate still in his hand and put it on the counter. "... Hum. I'm sorry, about the pasta. I just.."

"Hey, you don't have to apologize. You can do what you want. I told you already, make yourself at home. Seriously."

"Okay. Thanks." Steve knew he was blushing in embarrassment but he figured Tony must be used to it by now. "You're handsome!"

Tony looked puzzled for a moment before smiling in some kind of smirk and Steve regretted saying that instantly. What's got into him? He must have been still drunk to say something like that out of the blue. He felt so pathetic right now.

"Sorry, this is not what I meant..." 

"Oh, so I'm ugly then?" Tony grinned.

"Yes, NO! That's not... What I me... Isn't it a bit late to go out right now?" He asked sheepishly, trying to make conversation and ease the awkwardness of the situation. 

"Look at that, Captain Judgmental!" Tony snapped. "Hey, I kinda have a life you know."

Steve was such an idiot. He was doing everything wrong. Who did he think he was? Of course, Tony would be offended. Steve was squirming embarrassingly, feeling hot and ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I know you must be a very busy man. I didn't mean to pry. It seemed odd, that's all." Steve tried to apologize, looking away again.

"Well, I don't know if you've noticed but yesterday I was actually going somewhere. I don't have a habit of driving in the middle of the night just for the sake of driving, you know. Since I had to change my plans..."

Steve looked up at Tony, extremely confused and embarrassed. 

"I'm so so sorry, Tony..."

"Not a big deal! Just... Let's make things clear: you can stay here as long as you want, I really mean that. But it doesn't mean that I have to report to you every thing I do. I'm entitled to my private life, thank you. Same goes for you. So, I'd like you to keep your righteous comments to yourself if you don't mind. "

Tony went for a glass of water while Steve knelt down to clean the mess.

"Is my car ready, J?" 

"Yes, Sir." JARVIS answered monotonously.

"Well, that's my cue. 'Night Steve!" Tony said before making a bee line for the door.

Steve was so lame. He had managed to be rude, nosy, judgmental and offensive all in one sentence. He supposed he should be thankful for Tony to be so comprehensive and patient with him. Had the role been reversed he would have kicked his intruding ass out long ago.

...

Steve woke up early. It was still dark out there, which was a good sign. It meant things were gradually going back to normal, he supposed. Liberty was sleeping on the mattress next to his bed, which was another good sign. He looked at the lights outside.

"Jarvis?"

"How can I help, Sir?"

"What time is it?"

"5:19AM and 34 seconds, Sir."

"Thanks Jarvis."

"At your service."

It was a bit early to get out of bed, but Steve was restless.

"hum... I really mean it, you know?"

"What do you really mean, sir?"

"I am really thankful to you and Tony. Especially Tony. I never wanted to be rude or judgmental, you know. I haven't really realized how lucky I am to have met him. I would never do anything bad to him."

"Is Mr Rogers referring to what happened last night in the kitchen?"

"Yes."

"I think you should say that to Mr Stark in person, Sir. I'm not really concerned."

"I know... This is stupid. It's just... I wish you'd like me a little..."

"After seeing you for a day, I may concede I don't find your presence disturbing or dangerous, Sir."

"I'm honored." Steve laughed. "Say... Do you think...? Do you think that Tony is angry? I'd like to apologize, really. I can't find the right words. I seem to always fall off the mark."

"If you need communication advice, I can provide several references. As for Mr Stark I can't say for sure but if you need reassurance, I don't think he is angry. Mr Stark is not a spiteful person and rarely holds a grudge."

"Thanks Jarvis. Means a lot."

"I'm glad I could be of any help, Sir."

Steve couldn't sleep anymore and thought it was a good opportunity to do some exercise. He got up and looked in his bag for a semblance of sportswear and deeply regretted throwing away the last worn out pair of sneakers he had. He craved for a run right now and those army boots were no good. He had no other choice though. He dressed quickly and got out of his room, followed by Liberty. He stumbled upon the bags of clothes and wondered if there maybe was a pair of trainers in there. There was. Steve considered it for a second but didn't touch them. He had agreed to take the suit, maybe, for work, on the condition that he would pay Tony back afterwards, but nothing else.

However, he picked up the collar from the floor where he had thrown it away that nobody had bothered to take. He figured that maybe Tony was right about keeping Liberty in leash. He would probably have no choice if he wanted to walk her where there could be children. She would never harm a kid but she was still impressive. He looked at it and noticed that it wasn't a regular collar. It didn't look different in appearance but when you looked closely, you could see it was made of a very particular material that he couldn't recognize. And there were little electronic devices barely noticeable. It was a very sophisticated high tech collar that Steve had never imagined could exist. There also was a medallion with the name Liberty on it and an address and phone number at the back. Tony's probably, because he didn't have any. Tony was so thoughtful.  _Tony made it_. It made Steve's heart skip and his chest clutch. He knew Tony was a genius, he imagined him designing stuff, resolving calculations but building this? With his own hands? Steve thought it was so amazing and so impressive. Tony was brilliant. It made him want to visit the work shop, to see it with his own eyes, to watch how Tony would be at work. With his torn tank top full of grease. 

Steve tried to forget about last night's visions of Tony. He was not yet ready to admit that his last two surprise encounter with the man had not left him indifferent, to say the least. He was starting to fear that he liked the man and all the aspects of him more and more and this was bad bad news. He put the collar on Liberty but realized there wasn't any leash.

"Jarvis? Where is the leash?"

"There is no leash. It works with ultrasounds. You need the watch to control it."

"What watch?"

"Mr Stark left it in his room, sir."

"Oh... Okay. Never mind."

Steve didn't even bother to hide his disappointment. He wasn't going to wake Tony up at 5 in the morning just so he could show him how to use a collar. No leash it would be.

 

When he came back from the park, the sun was barely rising. He had been able to run despite the shoes and Liberty was overjoyed to follow him. He didn't stay long because she was unattached. He entered the tower and smiled at the idea that people may wonder why someone like him with an unleashed dog would go in there. Jarvis granted him access anyway and Steve felt like someone important for a few seconds. 

The elevator doors were about to close when Steve heard a distant but rushed voice outside. "wait!"  

_Tony_

The doors whooshed open and Liberty went out to greet him as always as if he was her second daddy, which always gave him a twinge. "Good girl! Come for a hug. Yes" He heard the man say while Liberty was barking. She was acting a little bit different today and Steve wondered why.

The steps got closer and Steve's heart sank in his chest. He was acting like a teenage girl when she was about to meet her first crush and felt really pathetic.

Tony came in. "Morning Cap! Wouldn't have taken you for a morning person. What a surprise!" Tony always found a way to make Steve blush and falter. He looked at him and stammered a "mornin' " before blushing again.

Tony was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. He had spent the night out. Steve felt something cringe in his chest. He looked at the man who was smiling while looking at his phone. His hair were a mess. He looked disheveled and perfectly debauched. Steve could smell the alcohol and perfume, someone else's perfume. A _male_ perfume. He even had a kiss mark on the neck. He had been fucking someone else, all night. And that someone else was not even his girlfriend. Steve felt something warm and bitter build inside of him. His hands were shaking. He couldn't believe Tony had done that. Tony had perfectly the right to do that so why was he so upset? He was mad. No he was enraged. No... He was _jealous._ He looked at Tony again. Tony was so fucking hot like that and Steve furiously wanted to be the one to make Tony look like that.

He was hard.        

Steve sighed and hid his blushed face in his hand and turned his back to Tony, pretending to look at himself in the mirror. He was wearing loose shorts and Tony would notice if he looked his way. If he had thought that their first lift together in this elevator had been embarrassing, this one was kill-yourself material. 

"So you decided to use the collar after all?" Tony asked from behind.

Steve tried his best to hide the disappointment and the _urge_ from his voice but he had always been bad at hiding his feelings. "Yeah" his voice wavered. "I couldn't find the leash though..."

"There's no leash..."

"I know."

"Jarvis told you about the watch?"

"Yes."

"Oh... You two are becoming best buddies now. I'm proud." Tony teased.

In other circumstances Steve would have snapped a sassy answer back but he didn't say anything.

"So why didn't you take it?"

"What?"

"The watch. Why didn't you use it?"

"Jarvis told me it was in your room."

"So? You could have taken it. I wasn't even there."

Steve didn't really need a reminder of that. The elevator dinged and he was very happy not to have to answer that. He rushed out and headed to his room.

" 'm gonna take a shower. Later." 

He closed the door before Liberty could join him and let himself fall on the bed, head first. He was raging hard. 

 _Fuck._ He was lusting after Tony. He couldn't stay here. He wasn't gonna stay here.  

He kicked off his shoes and found the shorts he had been using as pajamas. It was his smell on them but they were Tony's. He jerked off like a teenager, trying to muffle his moans in the sheets. When he was done, he turned around and lay down across the bed. He enjoyed the moment for a while before freaking out. He did masturbate - three times - while fantasizing about fucking Tony, his host. The said host who had plainly rejected him the day before. He was hopeless. 

He sat up on the bed and remembered he had just come in the sheets. Great. So now the staff will see it too. How embarrassing. He tried to clean the evidence and went for the shower. After all, he had said he was going to have one. A good lie is always half true. While in the shower he suddenly felt the shame growing in his body. Something occurred to him.

"Jarvis?"

"You... Did you see that?"

"You can count on my discretion, Sir. My lips - so to speak - are sealed."

That fucking A.I. was even taunting him. Steve wanted to die of embarrassment. Curiously, the idea of Jarvis seeing him squirming and whimpering while crying the name of Tony on the bed was making him feel very very uneasy.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to write about jealous Steve and got that idea in my head from the beginning but curiously, while I was writing it, it felt like deja vu. I feel like I already read a similar fic long time ago. So I may or may not have been inspired by another fic. I'd like to remember that fic though.  
> Does anyone feel the same?


	8. Oh you mean... Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is confused about Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small chapter today. I'll try to pace up a bit. No promises. Thank you for your comments and kudos. That's so nice.

Tony stepped out of the elevator, perplexed. _What was that?_

It wasn't the first time Steve's actions left him completely lost. Steve was very confusing. Tony had always been proud of being good at discerning people. He could usually figure out what what kind of people he was dealing with on the first meeting. It was a precious quality in business and it had helped him a more than he could count. Probably wouldn't have developed his dad's small company to be one if the most important in the country if it weren't for that.

Steve, however, remained a complete mystery to him, and the more he got to know the man the less he understood him. And the worst part was, Steve was an open book. You could see his feelings as if they were written all over his face. Maybe that was why he left Tony puzzled every time, he had never met someone so honest, so candid and so volatile in his life.  In the course of one day, Steve had managed to show so many different expression that Tony didn't know what to think anymore. Everything he did landed flat, all the things he said went wrong. Steve was an enigma, a tricky puzzle, and as every good scientist, Tony was eager to resolve it and unravel all the secrets lying behind those deep blue eyes.

The man was so infuriating. Always running around half-naked even though he knew Tony was attracted to men - to _him._ What was he playing at? Pretending to be all innocent and offended, belittling Tony with his judgmental questions and righteous superiority. And then saying he was _handsome_ out of the blue. And blushing like a virgin maiden and running away at the first sight of him.

He couldn't even look Tony in the eyes. 

Tony really fucked the timing up, recently. He definitely knew how to pick his moment. He just wanted to have some fun and forget about the awkward and forced move that Steve had felt obliged to make, out of gratefulness and sympathy - Yuck, it still made his stomach churn at the idea of him, selling himself out just for some pasta and a bed - That didn't mean though that he had planned to blatantly show to his face the fact that he was gonna get laid. Nor was he particularly happy that Steve had witnessed his little walk of shame. Damn it, was he doing it on purpose? Always being at the wrong place at the wrong time and looking perfectly stupid and faultless. Tony was divided on kicking that upright ass out of his tower or join him in the shower and shove his cock in that plump virginal mouth. He would do neither of course. He was in too deep. 

"Woof" 

"Huh?" 

It took Tony a few seconds to realize where the bark came from. He finally understood when he felt something wet and hot on his hand. Liberty poked her nose and whined to him. She was looking at him funny, smelling him and acting confused. She rolled around his legs and jumped on his him to lick his face. Tony stepped back and patted her. "Good Girl. Good. Sit down. Well done! You're my princess. You hungry?"

Tony led the way to the kitchen where Liberty had now her own space with some kind of carpet next to a food bowl and a water bowl. He took the dog food out of the fridge and poured it into her plastic bowl. She ate all of it in no time. Tony was watching her with a warm tenderness. Liberty, unlike her owner, was straightforwardly grateful and affectionate. He never thought he would grow so fond and so attached to her in such little time. Maybe it was a sign that he needed more than JARVIS in his life. He was already falling on the dark side of age and realized that among all the things he had accomplished in life. None of them where things that really mattered. He felt a shiver at the idea that he would die alone, at the top of his Tower, under a pile of clothes. Maybe he should get himself a dog too. After all, it's not like Steve and Liberty were going to stay around. The thought of that pained him somehow. He dreaded the moment they would go away, forever. And then he felt extremely stupid and pathetic. He had only known them for _two_ days.

Well, it seemed like two days were enough to overthrow his whole perspective of life and bring down everything that he felt important before.

Liberty sniffed him again and whined worriedly, looking puzzled. "Is there something wrong with my smell?" Tony asked, as if she was going to answer. He pulled a tail of his shirt and smiled it. It smelled like the other guy's perfume. A remnant of another meaningless and disappointing night of passion. Tony didn't even remember his name.

...

"Explain to me again why you couldn't go to this morning's meeting?" Pepper asked, coffee in hand, a tiny glimpse of reproach in her voice.

"I was out all night... Didn't wake up." Tony said, completely unconcerned. What was so important about a meeting anyway?

"Tony!" Pepper yelled out of exasperation. "You knew you were needed! What was so important for you to do last night that you would blow a one million dollar contract?"

 _Shit,_ so it was _that_ meeting that he just missed. I'll do better next time, he promised himself. Well, that promise was more addressed to Pepper than himself but since it was a silent one. He guessed, he could count it as one.

"Nothing... Just needed to get some fresh air..." 

Tony was much too absorbed in remembering that extremely well-situated tomato stain on Steve's tiny shorts, to bother with details. 

"You have a terrace on your roof." Pepper observed, clearly decided to prove her point. 

She was focused on her phone and didn't look up at Tony. He looked at her delicate and perfectly manicured hands typing on the phone while she pouted at the screen. She stopped a second for a sip of coffee and readjusted her perfect hair. Pepper was always very classy and Tony always felt a twinge in his heart when he was seeing her. No today though. Today he thought she was annoyingly perfect and judgmental.

"Please Pep, you know what I mean. I needed to get out of there... So much... So much tension."

She raised an exasperated eyebrow at him. "I absolutely don't. Elaborate." 

"Nothing. Just...  Steve made a move on me last night, there. I said it." Pepper was horribly good at questioning and Tony had never been able to resist her inquisitive eyes. 

"Steve? Who the hell is _Steve_?" She asked, her voice full of disdain, before the realization drew a surprised frown on her pretty face. "Oh... you mean _Steve._ Tony, Is this about that bum and his dog again?" She spouted.

"He is not a bum. Please Pep, be nice. That's not like you to judge."

Pepper was back on her phone. She took her lipstick out of her back and redid her make-up, ignoring Tony completely.

"So what about Steve? I thought he was a past topic. Don't tell me is he still at your place! Just tell him to go, already."

"Since when is it wrong to help someone? You're always the one who tells me to give all my money to charity. What's up with you all of sudden?"

"Tony, there are limits at being a good samaritan. You don't need to go that far. Jeez! You've been nice enough." Her tone was slightly too aggressive for a friendly advice.

Tony ignored it. He was not letting Steve go. He was not. He would not have that on his conscience no matter what Pepper said.

"He has nowhere to go, no-one to turn to. He a nice guy, Pep. He just made bad choices in his life, but he is a good person. He just needs a few days to get his life back on track. I just wanna help him out and I _can."_

"He is not your responsibility!" She almost shouted, very much annoyed. She tended to do that when she was worried about him. Tony had a tendency to be reckless and make poor choice regarding his private life, and particularly his bed partners. Steve wasn't a bed partner and there wasn't anything to be worried about. "There are other ways to help me out." She added as a justification after she calmed down a little. "You don't need to suddenly give away your home to him."

"I'm not giving him my home, come on!"

"Really? Then why is it you who has to spend the night out? If you can't stand his presence, just throw him out, period." The tone was unconvinced and very firm. Pepper had a way to make Tony do what she wanted.

"I can stand him just fine, thank you. It's just..."

"It's just?" She raised an eyebrow again and Tony was very weak to that inquisitive eye. 

"Nothing." Tony looked away as he was trying to find the right words to describe the constant uneasiness he felt when Steve was around. He was also avoiding her gaze, trying to hide his feelings uselessly. She would found out what he felt one way or another anyway so there was no point. Pepper was like that and that's why he loved her and wanted her in his life.

"He has a habit of walking around half-naked" He continued "and that's pretty disturbing." Pretty disturbing but also very pleasant. Tony had always loved a good piece of art. A real one, not Pepper's questionable choices that decorated his lobby.

She sipped in her cup of coffee and raised her amused long eye-lashes to Tony. "Is he that hot?" She smiled.

Tony was startled at the question at first although it was very Pepper-like. The thing is no matter how used he was to Pepper always reading between his lines she still managed to catch him off guard. 

"Oh my God Pepper." He exclaimed, hiding his face in his hand. "You have no idea!"

"So, that's what it is about... " She paused and added as if it was blatantly obvious. "You wanna fuck him?"

"No. Pep. Please! It's not like that. I don't wanna _fuck_ him! " Yes, he did. He very much did. He so very very did. "... Well, I wouldn't mind but that's not the point. No! Pep, you know me better than that."

Pepper smirked at his bullshit.

"You totally wanna get in his pants." She almost laughed. "Why is that a problem that he made a move on you then?"

"Jeez Pep, he's this all perfect american boy scout, too innocent for his own good. The guy did it out of gratefulness."

"Since when is that a problem for you?" She snarked. 

"I'm not gonna take advantage of him!" Tony answered making offended gestures. "I'm not that kinda guy." 

Pepper's smile fell off and she stared in his eyes with a shocked expression, looking for an explanation to this unexpected turn of the event.

"Oh my God!" She exclaimed.  "You _like_ him."

Tony felt his whole body blush and his heart sank in his chest.

"Of course I don't. I'm offended. I'm clearly offended. Pep. Seriously? I've known the guy for like two days."

"Of course not. What am I even saying?" She said with an amused tone that contrasted with the bitterness in her eyes. 

Tony was unsettled by her disappointed expression for a while and wondered where this came from. Pepper rarely let her emotion show on her face. They remained silent for a moment. It a moment a bit too long for Tony who hated awkward silence.

"By the way," he asked in order to change the topic of the conversation. "did you take care of that thing I asked yesterday?" 

Pepper was back to her usual impassive expression, focused on her phone and avoiding Tony's eyes.

"Not yet, I'm on it though." She deadpanned.

"Get it done, quickly." Tony requested.

"Is that so important?" She raised her eyes from her phone and looked at him again. "I didn't know you were that eager to read about French poetry..." She teased with a bitter tone. " That's news."

Tony didn't even pretend he didn't know why she was being sarcastic. She knew the moment her eyes met his. "Or, is it about _Steve_ again?" She asked.

 

 


	9. If you need a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets his shit together and his life back on track. This chapter is all about Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind comments and kudos. Here is another chapter. I hope you enjoy it. It was very difficult to write, especially the dialogues. Didn't come out the way I wanted at all.

Steve got out of his shower, shaved and tried to comb his too long hair into some kind of hairstyle. He looked for the less worn out clothes he could find in his small bag and got dressed quickly, trying to forget that Jarvis was spying his every move.

When he got out of his room Liberty was nowhere to be found, again. This time, however, Steve didn't freak out. He knew she was safe.

"Jarvis? Where is Libbie?" He asked matter-of-factly.

"She is in Mr Stark's room, sir."

"Hum... Okay..." That was strange but not that strange after all. He had kinda abandoned her to Tony for quite sometime. It was only fair she would follow Tony in his room and now that he knew Tony, it didn't surprise him that he had let her in.

"Jarvis?" He asked again because something else had caught his attention.

"Sir?"

"Did you just say 'she' to refer to Lib?"

"I used the pronoun that you and Mr Stark always use when talking about her, Sir. Besides, you explicitly asked me to refer to the dog as a 'she' and not a 'it'. I am simply complying to your demand."

"Wow." Steve awed with a smile. "Thanks. You know what? I think I like you." 

"You're going to make me blush, sir."

"Oh really?" Steve asked with a sarcastic tone. "Even after what you witnessed on my bed earlier." 

"We have a common agreement not to mention this particular episode of your life and I shall respect it."

"Thanks J. Can I call you 'J' or is it only Mr Stark's privilege?"

"You can address me the way that suits you. Although, I wish you would remain polite and respectful."

"I would never insult you." "Out loud."

In the last two days, Steve had learned to speak with Jarvis and thought it was incredibly funny. It was however a completely new development for Jarvis to joke with him and be nice. It kind of made him feel welcome. There was that domestic feeling again.

"I do have a problem though..." Steve started with a sarcastic grin.

"What problem, Mr Rogers?"

"I need to go. How can I get my dog back?"

"You can go in Mr Stark's room. The door is unlocked."

"Is Tony there?"

"Mr Stark is sleeping." Steve heart skipped at the idea of being Tony sleeping on his bed.

"I'm not gonna go in his room while he is sleeping. That would be extremely rude."

"Mr Stark doesn't mind, otherwise he would not have let the dog in."

"Did he tell you it was okay?"

"It was implied, sir. Do not worry, if you get a lecture I will take responsibility."

"Is this a trap?" Steve asked "Are you pretending to play nice to stab me in the back later?" The question was meant as a joke but there was some truth in there.

"I cannot possibly hold a knife, sir." Jarvis snapped back ironically.

"Fine." Steve smiled. "I'll take the risk. You better hold your promise."

 

Steve opened the door delicately and penetrated the room silently. He quickly looked around and noticed that Tony's room wasn't much bigger that the guest room and sorely impersonal. It felt lonely and gave him a strange feeling of sadness. Tony obviously didn't spend much time there. 

He tried to call for his host, unsuccessfully. He looked around for the bed and saw Liberty and Tony mingled in between sheets and cushions. He smiled at first, at the incongruous but very cute sight. Then, he felt a warm feeling invading his chest, a sense of family, a sense of home. He thought about his mum. She would have been happy if he could have that one day. Something like that. A home. A family. Someone he loved and loved him in return. Not that it was the case in this particular situation but for a moment, it felt like it.

Liberty, as a good guard dog, raised her head at the first noise but when she saw him and felt no danger she went back to sleep with her host. He couldn't _believe_ her. She had just ignored him. She had just done it. She had adopted a new daddy already. As much as he found the situation funny, Steve couldn't help feeling a pang of jealousy. Liberty was all he had in his life. He wasn't ready to lose her too.

He paced silently to the bed and tried to call her. As he got closer he realized that Tony was only wearing his underwear and Steve was mesmerized by the beauty of him. An athletic body with impressive muscles for his slender form, a dark olive skin that contrasted with the white sheets. He wanted to draw him. He hovered his hand on the man's back, almost brushing, so close he could feel the warmth emanating from the body. He wanted to touch but wouldn't dare.  A deep acute pain in his chest overwhelmed him and a warm feeling took over his body, starting from his groins. He stood there in stupor, unable to move, trying to breathe. At every heave his chest would hurt as if something prevented his lungs to inflate.

Liberty yawned and slurped. He snapped out of it and motioned her to move. She wouldn't. He whispered her to come and grabbed her collar-- the collar _Tony_ had made. She resisted at first but finally stood on her legs and jumped out of bed, earning a groan from the man next to her. Tony protested at the sudden cold and buried himself in the comforter. He mumbled something like "...thing.... f..you... counter." that Steve wasn't sure he understood and let's be honest, he wasn't in any capacity to decipher it in his current state.

He quickly went out of the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door and breathed out a gasp of relief. His hot body felt cold as sweat was dripping on his muscles. He wiped his face and tried to steady his breathe before heading to the door. 

"Mr Stark left something for you on the kitchen counter, Sir."

Oh? So that's what he was saying.

He went for the kitchen and saw a two hundred dollar note on the kitchen counter with a torn piece of paper.

_Just take this in case you need to buy anything, like bus fair or something. I know you don't have a penny for yourself. See you tonight. Tony._

Steve felt happy but he wasn't gonna take the money. He took the written note and slipped into his pocket but left the money on the counter and headed for the elevator.

Jarvis wouldn't open the door. "I can't let you go unless you take the money Mr Roger. My instructions were clear."

"Did he now? I thought Tony forbid you to lock me in, in any case, and that was just yesterday."

"Mr Stark charged me with giving you the money before you go by any means necessary."

"Hum." Steve crossed his arms in confidence. "But you are still not allowed to lock me inside, aren't you?"

"Mr Rogers, I beg you to take the money. Otherwise, I would fail to obey Mr Stark's instruction. I never fail."

"Are you trying emotional blackmail on me Jarvis?" Steve asked in a half-joking tone. "That would be bad. Really bad.... " He paused a few moments and inquired "What's the worst that could happen to you anyway, you're just a program?"

"Don't underestimate Mr Stark, sir. He is my creator. He could shut me down or worst, _reprogram_ me."

Steve must be crazy. This whole A.I. situation was messing with his brain, with him feeling lonely and stuff, he had really gone far with this projection thing. He must have because right now, Steve was certain that he could hear the fear in the computerized voice and that didn't feel right at all.

"Fine!" He finally surrendered. "I'll take it." He pointed accusingly at the ceiling and felt a bit stupid because there wasn't anything to point at and added "But you're cheating." with a pout.

"Thank you Mr Rogers. Please enjoy your day. I will see you tonight." And boy that tone was really self-satisfied.

 

...

 

Steve pushed open the doors of the Vet Centre in Manhattan. The same that he had first gone to when he arrived in New York. He headed to front desk and asked for Sam Wilson.

Sam Wilson was the person Steve had been in contact with the first time he came. He had been very nice and understanding and had earned Steve's trust. Steve had felt comfortable with Sam for several reasons. The first was because he was a veteran too, Pararescue unit. The second was because Sam had kindly listened to Steve's requests without any judgement. The third was a deeper, more intimate reason. They had shared one glance and Sam smiled and Steve knew. It was weird because before he had never noticed that kind of things but now he did. He knew that he and Sam had more in common that they would ever be able to tell. He could relate to Sam and Sam could, probably, relate to him too.

The woman at the desk showed him to Sam's office and told him to wait outside. He took a seat on one of the chair and waited for the man to return. Liberty rested at his feet as usual. He patted her a bit but he had to stretch his back and his arms too much because she was lying on the floor so he stopped. He regretted coming here without his bag. He could have taken his sketchbook out and do something instead of just staying there, feeling out of place. He searched his pockets for his IDs and found the two hundred dollar note. He wondered what he would buy with. Maybe he could buy a new pair of sneakers? That was stupid, Tony already bought him one and he didn't even take it. Or maybe clothes? More casual, less fancy but neat. How about a phone? His old one had been stolen and he'd never replaced it. That would actually be pretty useful because right now he had absolutely no way to be contacted. He shrugged these thoughts off. He would never use the money anyway. He was not a fucking charity case. He would give it back to Tony tonight. Tonight right? Because he was going back to Tony's tonight. Tony was expecting him to. He had said so, in the note. He crushed the note in his hand and pushed it deep into his pocket as if the money was burning his hand. He looked at his hands to search for any signs of filth as if the money would taint them. He felt stupid and ungrateful and wiped his hands on his knees in a nervous manner.

"Steve?" 

He looked up and saw the soft smile of Sam upon him. Sam was wearing khaki pants and a white and blue plaid shirt on a white undershirt that contrasted with the dark of his skin and highlighted his bright smile and the shine of in his eyes. He was handsome and charming.

Sam was carrying files and cautiously put them in his right hand to free his left hand. Steve jumped awkwardly on his feet to greet him. He smiled in return. Sam's gaze analyzed him from top to bottom and he brought his left hand on Steve's shoulder to pat him affectionately, which was strange because they barely knew each other.

"Wow. You look great." He said with a genuine smile and then his smile faltered. "I mean, you look... better." He looked away trying to hide an embarrassed smile and Steve was confused. Sam gave a small push on his shoulder. "Come on in." 

Steve entered the office and sat down on one of the two chairs that were facing Sam's desk. Sam walked around his desk and took his seat. Liberty came in and settled at Steve's feet.

"So, Sam started. I've sent your resume and there's a couple of firms that might be interested. Mostly as a security guard but that's something. Right?"

Steve nodded. He wasn't going to be picky. Once he settled he would have plenty of time and opportunities to figure out what he really wanted and change career. For now, Security guards seemed a perfect job. Even more perfect if one of those job required a dog, or at least wasn't opposed to the idea. Liberty would be perfect for that and he wouldn't have to leave her alone all day. 

"You will have to do interviews of course but I don't think that should be a problem. Maybe find some better clothes but for the rest, you'll do fine." Sam looked back and forth between Steve and his computer, clicking on the mouse without thinking and playing with a Star Wars pen with his free hand. "I could schedule one for next week if that's okay with you."

Steve pinched his lips and nodded again. "Yeah. Yes.That would be fine." He blurted out sheepishly. Sam looked at him sidelong and smiled. 

"Great. Let's do that. I'll need an address and a phone number."

Steve fell silent, his mouth stupidly open. Of course he needed an address and a phone number. The thing was: he didn't have any. He didn't even have an email address. The only one he used was internal to the army and he had never opened it since he'd resigned. He remained silent for a while, trying to figure out  how he was going to do. The only address and number he could be contacted with was Tony's. He wasn't going to use Tony's address and phone number. That was... That was inappropriate. Besides, he wasn't sure that he wanted Tony to know about this and he knew that if he were to use Tony's number. Jarvis and Tony would know and they would try to help and he really wanted to do this for himself.

Sam must have noticed his confusion because his face looked concerned. "You can give the name and address of a friend if you don't have one. Just some way to contact you."

Steve thought about it some more and decided that he had someone else he could probably count on and gave Natasha's contact information.

"Great. I'll give you a call for confirmation but it should be okay."

"Do you have any other questions?"

"Hum... Yeah.... err... what about lodging?"

"Oh right. I'd forgotten about that. I assumed you'd find something already."

He typed on his keyboard.

"Actually, there a room that should be free tonight. It's in a dorm. It's temporary but it has everything that's necessary. It's small and basic but you'll have your own bathroom. kitchen and living area is communal but... there's a... There might be a problem."

"Sounds great! What's the problem?"

"They don't accept animals."

Steve felt a bulge of disappointment in his chest.

"Nope. Not interested."

"Yeah. I thought so... but that would be the only option we have for now." Sam said with an apologetic smile. "In Manhattan anyway."

"What about Brooklyn?"

"We don't have network there. However, I could try to contact the Brooklyn Vet Centre." He typed again and made a few phone calls.

"There's a studio apartment that would be perfect for you, to start with I mean. It will be free in a ten days. It's in Brooklyn but not far from Manhattan where you applied for the jobs. Rent's affordable. You need a deposit but we can help you with that. If you get the job of course... Should I put you on the list?"

"Yes. Please. Thanks."

"Done. So I can't guarantee 100% that you will get it but there shouldn't be any problem. I would be able to tell you in a few days. Will you be alright until then?"

Steve hesitated. "Yeah. Yeah, no problem."

"Okay. Well, I think we're done for today." Sam stood up and held his hand to Steve. Steve stood up too and shook his hand. He nodded with humble expression. "Thanks."

Sam smiled and held his hand a little bit too long. "Anytime." 

Steve let go of his grasp and turned to the door. 

"Wait." Sam interrupted. "If you need anything. I mean anything, like help or talking or... If you need a friend. Just call, right." And he gave him a card. "We have support groups and professionals and everything... There's also groups and associations for... people like you, like us. I could give you references, if you'd like..."

Steve look at the card. It was his private number. He looked baffled for a moment and put the card in his pocket. "Thanks. I'll think about it. Thank you very much. Means a lot."

Sam smiled . "No problem." Steve went for the door and he heard the warm voice of Sam calling behind him "Take care, Steve."

 

Steve had time on his hand. He had finally decided to visit his long-time friend in Brooklyn and it was quite the walk up there. He could have taken the bus but the only cash he had was the two hundred dollar note. He wasn't gonna use it for bus share. That sounded so stupid. " He took out Tony's note again.

_Just take this in case you need to buy anything, like bus fair or something. I know you don't have a penny for yourself. See you tonight. Tony._

_like bus fair or something..._ Stevesmiled at that. Tony was something else, really. And then his eyes focused on the last part  _See you tonight. Tony_ and his heart skipped a little. He repeated softly, "See you tonight Tony" before putting it back in his pocket. He looked at the sun shining on the Brooklyn bridge and felt warm and happy for the first time in a while.

 

It wasn't 2 pm yet when Steve finally arrived in his old neighborhood. He hadn't been there for almost six years. Everything looked the same and everything was different too. He wasn't very sure how he felt being back there. He was nostalgic of course, and there was sadness too but there also was a feeling of not belonging anymore and that was entirely new to Steve. It felt like home but he felt unwelcome in his own home. It was a strange feeling. 

He decided to pay a visit to his mum and to Bucky. There were so many things he wanted to tell them both. He did, for the most part, and he felt unexpectedly better afterward, as if he could finally turn the page and move on. It was a relief. Even if there was still a long way to go to get back to a semblance of a proper life, it didn't feel impossible anymore. It didn't feel so _out of reach_. 

 

He wandered in the neighborhood reminiscing happy childhood memories of him and Bucky until his steps led him to Bucky's and Natasha's house. The house was the same, except for the children games in the garden. He remembered when they moved in and Bucky had carried Natasha inside. She had hated it so much that she was wiggling away and managed to make them both fall on the threshold. They had laughed so much. Steve smiled at the memory. They had barbecue in the backyard for their wedding. They were so young when they got married. She was already pregnant with Sarah. Bucky had named their first born after Steve's mother. He used to spent so much time at theirs that she was like a second mum to him. He had asked permission and Steve had said yes but it had felt weird the first times. Now, it didn't really matter anymore. 

He opened the small gate and sat down on the steps. He was starving. For the same reason he hadn't used the money for the bus fare, he hadn't bought anything to eat. Natasha shouldn't be long now. The girls must have finish school. Maybe, they would be picked up by the babysitter. Natasha was a detective after all, she probably have late shift. It was stupid coming here. He should have called. Of course, he should have called. He hadn't come here in seven years. What was he thinking? He would leave her a note and call her tomorrow... 

"Hello!" The voice startled him. It was so close. He couldn't believe he hadn't sensed the presence. He was usually always on alert. "Can I touch it?" He raised his eyes toward the childish voice. He saw a little girl with brown hair and blue eyes. _Bucky's_ eyes. "Yes, of course."

The little girl bent to pat Liberty. "What's his name?" Steve was watching closely at Liberty reaction. She had always been good with kids but we never know.

"Liberty. She's a girl."

"That's a beautiful name." She said while giving another pat. "My name's Sarah. And you? What's your name? What are you doing on our doorstep?"

"I'm Steve." he hesitated. "I'm a friend of your mum and dad."

"My dad's dead." She said so innocently and matter-of-factly that it broke Steve's heart.

"Sarah. Don't touch that dog. What did I tell you!!!" Natasha's voice was panicked and she ran toward them with bags full of groceries in his arms. When she saw Steve, she dropped everything and brought her hands to her face. "Oh my God, Steve!"

She jumped in his arms and embraced him. Steve relished in the embrace. She had a familiar scent that smelled like home. He hold her tight. "When did you get back? I'm so happy to see you." Even though they had been writing to each other, they hadn't seen each other in person for seven years. Steve had not given news since he had decided to leave the army. 

She released him from her grasp and checked him out. "Steve! You look good, look at you! You're gorgeous! " She stroked his hair affectionately. "You need a haircut, though... Come inside. Tell me everything." She looked down at Liberty.  "And who is that?"  She patted her. Behind her, another little girl, blond this time with Natasha's nose came closer to touch Liberty too. "Olivia, honey, don't forget to take your bag."

They all came inside and Steve carried the groceries for them. The girls played with Liberty in the living room while they chatted and put the groceries away in the kitchen. She offered tea and cookies. He took them. He was starving.

"Steve! Are you okay? You seem hungry? Do you want me to fix a sandwich?" He didn't answer but his eyes must have said it all because she started making one. Natasha was never a good cook but she should be able to handle a sandwich he thought. "So, how was your trip?" 

He told her. More or less everything. 

"Steve! Why didn't you tell me? You, stupid punk! You could have stayed here. You're always welcomed here you know that right? You should have come sooner."

"I know. It's just... I didn't wanna be a burden. You've got two adorable little girls to take care on your own already."

"Don't be stupid! Don't do that again! Ever!" She scolded.

"Thanks Nat. I'm fine now. I might have found a job and an apartment. I may need your help though."

"Really. That's great Steve. How can I help?"

"Well the V.A are gonna call me to tell me about the job interview and I don't have a phone so I gave them your contact info, is that okay with you?"

Natasha looked surprised at first but then she smiled in relief. "Of course. No problem. I'm so glad you thought of me. Would you like to stay here for a few days?"

"No. Thanks. I don't want to impose."

"You're not."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just... I'm currently staying at a friend. So if you hear anything from the V.A maybe you can contact me on this number." He gave Tony's number to Natasha. "I'll come again."

Natasha looked confused and raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't you gave the VA that number in the first place?"

Steve gave her a coy smile. "I'd rather give them yours." She was still confused but she still nodded without trying to pry any further. "Okay." She finally said and then she suggested "How about we do something about that haircut?" Steve grimaced and was a little too obvious about that. "Oh come on, Stevie. You can trust me. I've always cut James's"

"I know" he chuckled, "that's what I'm afraid of."

Natasha punched his shoulder. "You Jerk. Get your ass over here."

 

Natasha settled Steve on a chair and put a towel on his shoulders. 

"Why did you wait all this time to come and see me?" She asked in a slightly regretful tone which made Steve feel a bit guilty.

"I just thought, with Bucky gone and everything... You know, it's always been the three of us. I was afraid to... bring back too many memories."

"You only bring back happy memories, you know. And it's seems to me that you were more afraid about yourself than about us. And it's fine, really, I get it. You and Buck. It's been the two of you way before I even got into the picture. Him and you both, _till the end of the line_. I know that Steve. ... But it's been seven years! You need to move on! And I know you feel guilty--"

Damned be Natasha and her acute insight. "I don't." 

"Tsk. I know you do, Steve. You can't lie to me, remember? ... What I mean is, you need to stop. You're not responsible for his death. Shit happens, but life goes on. You're fucking too young to waste your time on guilt and shame and whatever unnecessary feeling your wasting your time on. You need to live your life, move on. I have. We all have."

"You have?"

"Do you really think I would have been able to look after my two babies if I hadn't? I had to."

Now, Steve felt even more guilty and ashamed. He had never overcome Bucky's loss and he had no-one else to take care of. Natasha had to deal with it and to take care of her two daughters.  "I guess so... I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have had to go through all that."

"Well, like I said, shit happens." She sighed.

"I should have been here for you." Steve said regretfully, his chest heavy with the same guilty feeling.

"I was not your responsibility, Steve. It was difficult for you too." She explained with a hint of annoyance at Steve's guilt. Then, she added in a chipper tone, "And... It's okay now. Actually, I've met someone."

"Wow, Nat. This is great, I'm happy for you. Tell me about him."

"Well, it's all new. I haven't introduced him to the girls yet, but... he's nice. Really. He's in forensics, you know, science guy and everything. He likes meditation and herbal tea and stuff like that."

"So the exact opposite of you, then?" Steve chuckled.

"Yeah, maybe but you know the saying: opposites attract."

They remained silent for a while. Somehow, Steve had felt relieved at that. He felt a warm feeling inside. "I'm happy for you." He finally.

"Thanks." She said and Steve could hear the smile in her voice. "What about you? When will you finally introduce us to someone?"

Natasha had been trying to get him to date for years. He thought he owed her the truth. She was his friend. She would understand and she wouldn't judge.

"Well..." He started, "I need to tell you something, Nat." and his tone was a bit more serious than he had intended. 

"You're scaring me." She said with the same chipper tone.

"Nah, it's okay. It's just... It's kinda new and unexpected but... I think I'm ready to tell you, now."

"Hum... Okay?" He could hear the impatience in her voice but she didn't push him. He took his time and finally said it.

"I'm gay."

Natasha didn't react the way Steve had expected to at all. She just burst out of laughter and shouted "AT LAST!" which completely unsettled Steve. "Oh my God, Steve. I thought you would never tell me."

Steve was a little taken aback. "You knew?"

"Of course I knew. Steve, come on... You remember before Bucky and I were together? You were always in competition with me."

"I was not. I was trying to seduce you too."

"Please, you were trying to get me away from him. But that's cool, I wasn't angry with you or anything. I just thought you were cute and I felt a little bit sorry for you, you know."

Steve faltered. She already knew. All those years she had known. She had known even before he did. He felt his blood leave his face and a cold feeling invade him.

Natasha must have noticed his distress because she stopped with the cutting and put her hands on his shoulders with a comforting pressure.

"It's okay. It's okay. All's good. You took your time but what's important is that you've finally accepted who you are and I hope you will finally accept to be happy. You deserve it. You're an amazing person. I hope you know that..."

Steve abandoned himself to her reassuring touch and her soothing voice. It felt good. _He_ felt good.

"So, have you met someone?" She asked and he snapped out of it. He thought about the note in his pocket. _See you tonight, Tony._ And a warm feeling took over his body, he felt a blush covering his face and the back of his neck. He couldn't stop the grin spreading in his face. "You have, haven't you?" She guessed.

"Maybe..."

"Tell me!"

"It's... It's stupid, Nat. I've just met him a couple of days ago. But we just ... click or something. It feels good being with him, feels like home."

"Aaaaw, Steve. It's amazing."

"It's not... We're not... together or anything. He's just... I mean, he doesn't even want me... I'm just kinda crashing at his place right now..."

"Oh... He's not gay?"

"hum... I think he's bi or something but... he doesn't seem interested in me."

"And why wouldn't he be? You're gorgeous. And smart, and funny, and _kind."_

"Well, he kinda rejected me."

"Ouch. Did you tell him how you feel?"

"No!"

"Then how do you know he rejected you?"

"Well, It was kinda implied..."

"kinda implied? Yeah, right. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding. Tell him, properly!"

"What's the point? We're never going to see each other again when I leave."

"Exactly! Tell him! You have nothing to lose. You don't wanna live with regrets, right? Tell him!"

"I will." 

She gave a slap on his head. "You better, punk!"

"I will."

 

After saying goodbye to the girls, Steve kissed Natasha tenderly on the cheeks and left the house. He had missed her, so much. They had kept in touch during those seven years but it was not the same. He felt so happy and invigorated and he had a new refreshing haircut. He felt good and he finally knew what he was going to do with Tony's money. He would buy groceries and he would cook for Tony tonight. He would cook for him to thank him for everything and he would tell him. He would tell Tony about him.

 


	10. I haven't been entirely honest with you - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony are bonding over dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos. ;-)

His heart skipped when he entered the private elevator to the penthouse. He felt stupid. Why would his heart skip at the prospect of going home? There was nothing exciting about his place. On the contrary, it was awfully boring and lonely - except for the past three days. For the past three days his luxurious penthouse had felt like a real home. Safe, warm and familiar. Tony had grown fond of a stupid dog and its stupid owner. He was fond of Steve. Steve was proud and stubborn and honest and humble and unimpressed. He was nothing like the people Tony was used to meet. He stirred so many emotions in him that it was scary and he wanted to know more. He wanted to understand. He wished he would be there. He had left a note saying 'see you tonight' but maybe Steve had finally found somewhere else to stay. Maybe he'd taken his rags and left, forever. Steve's behavior that morning had been so strange. There was obviously something that bothered him about Tony and Tony felt weird about it. He wanted to ask JARVIS if Steve was there with Liberty but he was too scared of the negative answer so he didn't ask.

When the elevator dinged open, Tony smelled something good and appetizing. Something like warm food. _Homemade food_. He didn't have the time to feel happy about it because Liberty was already whimpering and jumping around him, making a fuss, putting her paws on his Armani suit. She was so eager that he almost stumbled when she ran to him. He threw his coat and briefcase on the floor and kneeled down to give her a hug. It wasn't until he enfolded her and sighed in relief that he realized how much he had hoped for them to be there.

He heard a chuckle and raised his head to the impudent mockery and there he was. _Steve._ Leaning on the door with a spatula in his hand, his legs crossed nonchalantly, his head slightly bent on the side. His hair had been cut and was messily sticking up. He was wearing the same apron that Tony had put on the day before over an old tee shirt and shorts. _Again._ Although, those were looser and longer. But it wasn't what Tony had noticed first. It was those eyes. Those baby-blue eyes, full of mischief, and the sly smile concealed behind a false coy expression. Steve was mocking Tony but he was the one blushing. He was so beautiful, Tony thought. His heart started racing and a foolish smile crept over his face, his eyes started prickling stupidly and his breathing stopped for a few seconds. He had a revelation.

It was like he'd been struck by lightning. He could picture it vividly, this moment, all of it. Him coming back from work, Liberty welcoming him and Steve - beautiful and warm and kind Steve - waiting for him while making dinner. This is what he wanted. This is what he always wanted. This moment, these feelings, it was it. He wondered if that's what it felt like to fall in love at first sight. Tony had never been in love before. He loved Pepper but, he wasn't _in love_. Was that it? Was that what it was? To be in love? Tony felt like he could give Steve the world right now but he felt incredibly stupid as well. His legs were trembling, he was kneeling down at the bum's feet - A man he barely knew and wasn't even gay to begin with - while patting a dog to occupy his shaky hands. He felt sweaty suddenly. He looked up at Steve who smiled back at him. _Marry me_. 

"Looks like she missed you." The cheeky mocker said. His deep voice sounded like music in Tony's ears. He wanted it to be the first sound he heard when he woke up and the last one before he went to bed. 

Tony grinned to hide his desperation. "Did you miss me too?"

Steve lowered his eyes and looked away and Tony was certain he'd blushed even more. "Maybe a little..."

Steve wasn't playing fair. He was so earnest and sincere and cute and Tony was going to misinterpret his shy smiles and embarrassed blushing. He needed to get his attention focusing on something else, something futile because this was becoming too much for him.

"You cut your hair." Tony noticed. 

Steve nervously ran a hand through his hair while staring into space, completely oblivious to the sensuality he gave off. "Yeah. You like?"

 _Oh fuck yeah, I like._   _I wanna run my hand through that hair too and pull your head down and ravish your mouth._ "Suits you."

"Thanks. My friend did it. She says it's better for the job interview." _His friend? What friend? Oh, his "friend." Of course..._ Tony made a mental note to ask about his friend later. And especially why he hadn't asked that friend for help earlier.

"Job interview?" Tony ticked and Steve nodded as confirmation. "That calls for celebration." He let go of Liberty who went back to her usual spot and stood up. 

"I thought so." Steve smiled proudly and turned on his heels to tend to whatever smelled really good in the kitchen and came back with two glasses of wine. "I asked Jarvis what you liked." Steve said while holding a glass to Tony.

Tony took a sip. "Cabernet. Simple but efficient." 

"Within my price range." Steve added with a smile and a tinge of mockery in the tone. Tony wondered if it was about him being extravagantly rich or if Steve was making fun of himself. Maybe it was a bit of both. Steve, he had noticed, had this unexpected dry humor and Tony didn't always catch his jokes on the dot.

"You could have helped yourself with my private wine cellar. I've got some pretty good shit in there."

"I'm sure" Steve grinned and took a sip himself. "but that wouldn't have been the same, would it? Even if, uh, you kinda of paid for it."

"I guess... So this how you spent the two hundred dollar note..."

"I'll pay you back."

Tony smiled. He knew it wouldn't get them anywhere if he protested so he didn't. If Steve wanted to pay him back then who was he to deny him that. They were both standing awkwardly in the lobby. Steve still wearing nothing - sort of - under his apron and Tony who hadn't really made it inside of his penthouse yet. They were staring and smiling and Tony really thought Steve was being unfair with him, giving him false hope like that.

"The wine's good." He said, trying to fill the silence that was becoming heavy with awkward sexual tension, on his side at least. 

"Thanks."

"Although, Champagne would fit better with a celebration."

"I don't like Champagne." Steve said with a sheepish smile. 

Who in their right mind wouldn't like Champagne? Tony felt a bit sorry for Steve but then he forced the feeling out of his mind. It was snobbish and contemptuous.

"That's because you've never drunk mine."

"Maybe."

"I'll open a bottle. Maybe for dessert?" 

Steve's eyes flickered on the word 'dessert' as a glimpse of mischievousness ran through them.  He answered with a coy smile. That was odd. Tony had meant a _real_ dessert. He really needed to put distance between them. He strode past Steve to where the smell came from and headed for the kitchen. "Smells good. What did you make?"

Steve followed behind. "Irish stew."

"Irish Stew? Is that a celebration meal?" Tony teased and Steve looked down in embarrassment.

"hum... No but... you cooked me a meal that you mother taught you, I thought I would cook one of the meals my ma taught me." He explained with a glimpse of hope and affection which illuminated the blue of his eyes.

"Oh." Steve had a way of conveying his emotion with modest honesty that reached Tony deep in his heart, or maybe Tony was particularly sensitive to whatever Steve was feeling but he answered with genuine delight. "I'm honored."

"Wait till you've tasted it." Steve teased, while sipping his wine.

"I'm pretty sure it's gonna taste amazing."

"That's a lot of trust there. Don't forget where you picked me up." Steve grinned but his tone faltered and his eyes betrayed the bitterness behind. 

"Thanks for killing the mood here." Tony said, trying to avoid the depressing turn their conversation was taking. "So you Irish?" Good change of conversation right? People love speaking about their origins.

"My mum was..." Steve answered staring into space, vaguely nostalgic. "I think my dad was too..."

 _Yeah. Right. Maybe not a good idea after all. Dead mother, absent father. No. No._ "So you Catholic then?" _So you catholic? Tony, Seriously? Why? And you dress in green and find leprechauns where the rainbow touches the ground?_

"I was raised Catholic. Don't go to Church much now."

"Yeah. I get that... I don't believe in God either."

"I do, I just... I stopped going after my mum died. I suppose I was a bit angry with God."

"Oh... I'm sorry... I.. Are you still angry now?"

"Well, now I suppose, God is probably angry with me."

Tony chuckled and drank a sip. "Makes sense, I guess. Thou shall not kill and stuff like that.  A bit hard to respect for a soldier."

Steve looked away with a bitter expression on his face. "Yeah... Something like that." He finally said with a self-deprecating smile, then he checked on the stew and avoided Tony's gaze.

_Tony, Tony, Tony... What the fuck are you doing? ... Dead mothers? Check. Absent fathers? Check. Living in the street? Check. Being a failure? Check. Disappointing God? Check. So what's gonna be the next topic. Are you gonna ask him his opinion on Trump? Hey how about his hardest break-up? That's a good one._

 "Yep. That's why I believe in Science. There's nothing that Science can't do. And there's no judgement. I like that a lot. The not-judging part." Tony said watching Steve's back, enjoying the muscles' movements while he stirred the spatula in the stew.

"That must be rewarding." he said still focused on the food, turning his back to Tony.

"Yep. Science's never disappointing."

Surprisingly, Tony had managed to ease the atmosphere and Steve was relaxing again. He was smiling when he turned back to Tony. He leant on the kitchen counter, one foot against the drawers. He took a sip and stared at Tony with shiny eyes. God, he was beautiful. Tony couldn't help it and got a little bit closer. Not enough to invade his personal space but close enough to feel the warmth emanating from his body. Steve didn't budge, he kept smiling.

"Speaking of science... Are you finally going to show me how the collar works?" He asked with mischievous eyes.

"Collar? What collar?" Tony wasn't particularly interested in BDSM but if Steve wanted him to put a collar on him, he wasn't going to say no... _Okay Tony. Stop now, you know exactly what collar he was talking about._

"Liberty's. I mean... The one you made for Lib." Liberty raised her head at her name but went back to sleep in her usual spot once she realized there was no food involved.

"Sure, I'll show you," Tony said, trying to shake his dirty thoughts off his mind. "But you need to answer my question first." Steve raised his eyes to him, a surprised and curious look on his face. "It's kinda personal." Tony continued. He was moving closer and without thinking he brought his hand to Steve's shirt.

Steve looked at him challengingly. "Shoot." He was still smiling and not bothered by Tony getting close. When he realized it, Tony attempted a touch and tugged on Steve's shirt. 

"Are you allergic to clothes?" He whispered and Steve's face suddenly blushed. He looked at himself and touched his shirt nervously. 

"N..n... No." He stammered and his body slumped down and lost the warm sensuality he'd shown earlier. He looked out of place and squirmed like a shy kid. Tony felt bad for teasing him and making him feel embarrassed but he had asked for it, damnit!

Tony stepped back as being that close had become awkward and he drank his wine. "I told you Captain. If you keep running around in your underwear, I'll have to make a formal complaint."

Steve laughed and seemed more relaxed. Maybe the wine helped. What a wonderful invention, he thought. Now, Tony also believed in alcohol.

"I'm _not_ in my underwear... I'm... I didn't want my clothes to reek of food. I... I didn't expect you to come back so soon. It's Jarvis's fault."

"I simply stated that Mr Stark usually gets back around 8:30PM, Sir." 

Steve looked up with an amused smile. He shook his head. "God, we cannot have any privacy in here!" and then added louder.  "You forgot the word "usually" in your previous statement Jarvis." Then he turned his back to Tony and checked on the stew. "Food's almost ready." He untied the knot of the apron and pulled it over his head unintentionally showing Tony some of his abs in the process. If only he knew how sexy he was in his obliviousness. Tony watched the muscles stretch and move as he took off the apron. The scene had only lasted a few seconds but Tony had managed to see it in slow motion in his head. "I should get dressed." Steve said while throwing the stained apron on the counter.

"Yeah. You do that, Captain." Tony said a bit too loudly, trying to feign being uninterested. He watched Steve leave the kitchen while resisting the urge to slap his ass as he walked past him, then grabbed the bottle of wine and poured himself a second glass.

"By the way," Steve shouted from a distance. Tony raised his head toward him, he was half-turned and smiling. "My opinion on Trump? He embodies about everything I hate in a person." He smirked and winked at Tony. "But then again, I used to think the same thing about you, so... I may change my opinion when I meet him in person."

"Shit... Did I say that out loud?"

Steve laughed and turned back to where he was going. _Tease._ Tony drank his second glass in one go. Tonight was going to be hard.

He went to his room and Liberty followed him and barked, she wasn't about to stay on her own. He sat on his bed and turned to the expecting dog. He patted her and she tried to lick his face in return. "Good girl! Yeah. Good girl! Your owner is a mystery to me you know? He's gonna drive me crazy... Do you think he likes me?" She barked. "I know you like me. I love you too. Good girl!" he patted her again and stoop up. "I like Steve too. A lot." 

He went to the bathroom and took the watch he'd left there when he showered the day before. He tried it on and made some trials. Liberty seemed to be comfortable and didn't protest. 

When he came back to the living room. Steve was dressed and his clothes were not that bad actually, clean - which was a start - and more or less smart enough for the occasion even though very old and overused (and out of fashion but Tony wasn't about to say something like that.) He was wearing a light gray plaid shirt tugged inside high-waist dark gray dressed pants. Actually, he looked a bit like Tony's grandfather but it suited the man he thought. Steve was finishing dressing the dinner table and looked up when he heard Tony and Liberty coming back. He smiled kindly.

It had been only a few minutes since Steve had left to get dressed but when Tony saw him again his heart skipped in his chest. Seeing him all dressed up with a fresh haircut and a clean shave laying Tony's cutlery on the table with focus, trying to make a good impression - just for _him_ \- gave Tony a warm feeling down his stomach that spread all over and up to his cheeks. It was not even sexual. It was something else. It was home, it was family, it was _happiness._

 _Fuck. Must be the wine._ Tony shouldn't have drunk his second glass in one go. His head was beginning to spin.

How come Steve's smile could have that much effect on him? It wasn't fair. Steve was unfair. He knew Tony liked men. He _knew._ Tony wasn't fair either. Steve wasn't seducing Tony on purpose. On the contrary, the man seemed absolutely unaware that all the little things he did, the shyness, the embarrassed smiles, the blushing, the awkward motion, all of that was driving Tony crazy.

"What?" Steve asked with childlike eyes and an innocent smile. Damn. He had been staring too long, now he was obvious.

"Nothing."

"You're looking at me funny."

"I think I like having you messing around with my cutlery dressed like my gramps."

Steve chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I didn't have anything else."

"It's fine. It suits you. I'm just messing with you."

Tony wasn't sure why he was staring like an idiot, his heart racing and his body overwhelmed by a surge of warm affection but it seemed he didn't know what to do with himself anymore. He just kept staring and smiling at the man. He must be drunk off his head, which is weird because Tony was a heavy drinker and rarely lost control of himself. He knew his limits very well and he wasn't even getting close. He must be pretty tired. Those last three days have left him exhausted, physically and emotionally.

"I'm done." Steve said looking all proud of himself. 

Tony had another surge of affection after seeing the effort Steve made to please him. It was entrancingly cute.

"I can see that..."

Steve walked self-confidently to Tony and stopped just before him and Tony wondered if the alcohol had messed up with his appreciation of distance as well because it seemed to him that they were standing closer and closer as time went by. Much too close for mere strangers.

"So..." Steve started with a smile.

"So?"

"Are you going to show me or not?" He asked while looking down at Tony's wrist.

Tony snapped out of it and looked at his wrist too. He realized that Liberty had been rolling and turning around him for the past five minutes eager to play whatever game Tony would propose her. She was standing at his feet, panting desperately. 

He started with a demonstration of all the things the watch could do and explained all the buttons to Steve who was intently watching with stars in his eyes and listening avidly as if Tony was God himself. _You need to stop being cute like that Rogers. You need to stop!_ Tony was rambling and rambling, filling the silence, distracting himself from feeling so attracted. 

"Can't I try it too?" Steve asked, interrupting Tony's scientific lecture on ultrasounds. 

"Of course. This is yours. You _must_  try it." and Tony took the watch off shiftily with smooth and skillful expertise. Steve held a hand, palm up and brought his wrist closer to Tony. His sleeves were rolled up at his elbows and Tony could see the veins on the muscled arms. His heart skipped and started racing. The moment was almost solemn. It felt like Steve was offering himself to him. Steve was not, obviously. He was just holding his hand so Tony could put the watch on and he did so. Very delicately. Trying to resist the urge to caress this inside of his wrist and running his thumb on the veins of his arms. It felt like he was putting a ring on his finger. He did touch it. When he was done tying the watch, he let the tip of his fingers brush Steve's palm and fingers and it was electrifying.

Steve looked like a kid who'd been given his favorite toy for Christmas, his eyes were sparkling with excitement and he smiled frantically at Tony while calling for Liberty. He tried all the applications and expressed his amazement in voiced marvel while Liberty was running around excitedly, so happy to participate in whatever was happening between Tony and Steve.

"This is wonderful, this is extraordinary, Tony. I can't believe you did that on your own. You're awesome. You're so... so amazing I can't even find the words..."

Tony started to feel uncomfortable. He had mixed feelings about all of this. On one hand he was extremely happy about Steve's acknowledgment and gratitude. It felt great to be complimented like that. Not the he hadn't been before but there was always self-interest in those compliments. Steve's were genuine and selfless and true and on the other hand, Tony was realizing he was stupidly, very stupidly, falling in love with a young - very straight - man completely oblivious of his charms and appeals. He was already heart-broken before anything ever happened between them.

He grinned. It was the best way he knew to hide his true feelings and it worked every time.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked, concern in his voice.

"huh?" Apparently, it didn't work with _Steve._

There was only one other person with whom it didn't work, _Pepper._ Pepper was the only one who could see through his facade, who knew all his bullshit.

Tony wiped his face with his hand. "Nothing. I'm just tired and I drank too quickly. I think I've got a headache."

Steve dropped whatever he was doing and in an instant he was next to Tony ready to catch him if he ever fell. As if... Seriously, Steve was being a little bit over dramatic with the whole thing. Still, it was nice to see he'd noticed and cared.

"I'm fine. I'm just gonna sit down for a bit." Tony said while his hiding his face in his hand. He just needed some fucking distance. He walked to the nearest chair and put a necessary distance between them. Steve was too fucking close. Maybe he got a hint because he did push it. He went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. 

"Here. Drink it. It'll help with the headache. You should eat something. You'll feel better with actual food in your stomach."

Tony took the drink without looking at Steve, feeling ashamed and slightly guilty to see him making all that fuss over his heart beating a little bit too fast.  

 

...

 

Steve, like Tony, was drinking his third glass of wine and the bottle was finished. He brought the main course to the table and served Tony a plate with a smile. Tony had come back to his self and felt much better. He wondered how he could have been so overwhelmed over nothing.

He sipped in his drink and smelt the food. It smelt amazing. "Wow. Smells really good. I'm not much a home-cooked meal kind of guy but this looks really appetizing."

Steve blushed at the praise but pretended he didn't care. That was absolutely beyond cute. "You realize this is the second time we eat homemade food?"

Tony drank again. "Two nights in a row! Sounds awfully domestic..." Steve blushed again and smiled before sitting down on his chair.

"This is freaking you out..." He said and it sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Actually... I think, I could get used to it."

Steve's eyes lit up. "Really? You didn't strike me as the commitment type."

"I was not, originally. But people change. Maybe this is what I need in my life. A change. I'm forty five and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I feel empty."

Steve's eyes flickered. "Yeah. I know the feeling."

Tony didn't comment on that. He let the silence linger and appreciated the delicious food that was in his plate. "This really tastes amazing, Steve. I mean it."

"Thanks."

Steve was right, Tony was feeling much better with his stomach full. He was about to finish his glass when he remembered they were celebrating. "We haven't even toasted. We're supposed to be celebrating."

"You're right. Let's have a toast."

Tony held his glass. "To your a successful job interview."

"I haven't got the job yet."

"You'll nail it."

"Maybe, but I feel like we're gonna jinx it if we celebrate too soon."

Tony wasn't sure if Steve was joking or not. He was still smiling sheepishly and Tony thought he was cute again.

"Superstitious?" He asked without really asking. "Fine, to your new life, then."

"To making new friends." Steve added while holding his half empty glass too.

Right, _friends. Just like Steve and that 'friend' who cut his hair,_ _supposedly..._

"Yeah..." Tony carried on, "to friendship... with dogs" and he grinned. Steve's eyes moved towards Liberty and back to Tony again and he smiled. His cheeks were pink but Tony wasn't sure if he was blushing again or if it was the effect of the alcohol. He looked pretty tipsy.

"So, You haven't told me about this job thing."

"It's nothing. I've gotta a couple of interviews, probably next week. They will call me back and tell me when exactly."

"That Sam guy?" Tony asked with an unconcerned tone. Steve looked baffled for a second.

"Yeah. You remembered that?"

"I may seem like I don't care but I'm listening." Tony said and Steve displayed a glimpse of pain in his eyes but brushed it off with a self-deprecating smile.

"I noticed." He simply said after a silent moment.

"So? What's this job about?"

"Security guard." Steve answered while avoiding Tony's gaze. "The only thing I'm qualified for, apparently. Should be fine. Sam told me I should find better clothes but otherwise it would be a piece of cake."

"I told you to keep the suit."

Steve blushed again and looked up shyly at Tony. "I'm not sure. Doesn't it... Wouldn't I look a bit overdressed?"

"Hum... probably, but you'd look gorgeous."

"That's not the point, is it?"

"Yeah. Maybe, you're right. You don't want your security guards to look like the latest GQ model. Doesn't mean you can't keep the suit for other occasions."

"I'm still paying you back."

"If you want. Whatever."

"I will. I... He started and Tony knew what was following. _I'm grateful yada yada. Everything you did for me yada yada_. Tony didn't want Steve to be grateful and to look at him with a cute face and so much spark in his eyes. Not when he was feeling his heart racing again. "This is important to me." Steve continued. "You've helped me a lot. It's not just about the place to stay. It's... You helped get my confidence back and... I owe you. Really." Steve paused and looked away, trying to find his words. He was staring at the food as if it was his last piece of art. "This dinner." He resumed. _Yeah, this dinner. What's this dinner, Steve? Because it very much looks like a date. And it's not and I'm reading too much into it and it hurts._  "It's... It's also a way to thank you." _A thank-you dinner. Of course. What else?_

"You're welcome." Tony deadpanned, sipping the last of his wine.

Steve laughed. "You're full of shit, aren't you?" Tony blinked and his face probably asked the question for him. "You hate when people say thank you."

"Come again?"

"It's weird because usually people like you, they--"

"People like me?" Tony interrupted, very much eager to hear what Steve had to say about 'people like him'.

"You know, rich people. I've been to a bunch of charity events back in the days, especially after I got--" the Medal Of Honor went unsaid. "Usually, these people, they give because they expect gratitude and worshipping in return so they can feel better about themselves, you know. So they can feel like they are good people  but--"

"But?"

"But you don't. You're not like them." Steve pinched his lips while avoiding Tony's intent eyes. "You don't like it when people think you're nice and I really wonder why..."

"Maybe because I'm not." Tony answered with too much bitterness in his tone. Steve sensed it and turned back to him, his deep blue eyes plunged into Tony's and remained there, with a fierce intensity.

"You are, Tony." He said with so much conviction that Tony almost believed him. "You're too hard on yourself."

Tony's heart wavered. He wasn't expecting this. He wasn't expecting Steve's words to touch him so deeply. He grinned again. Defense mechanism.

"That's not what you said during our first encounter." Steve's expression faltered. "You called me an asshole---  And a prick."

Steve smiled without looking away. His baby blues still locked into Tony's eyes. "That's because I didn't know you, yet. And in my defense, you _were_ an asshole."

"And now? Have you changed your mind about me?" Tony wished there wasn't so much hope in that question. Usually, he didn't care about other people's opinion of him, but he cared about Steve's. He _wanted_ Steve to like him. He wanted it so profoundly.

Steve rolled his tongue on his lower lips. "Well..." He hesitated, or pretended to. "No." He finally said. "Still an asshole." Then, he grinned and stuck his tongue in a provocative smile. "But you're also kind and generous and caring and selfless and incredibly smart and awesome... " Each compliment was thrown like an insult. "Shall I continue? Because you're also very charmi--"

"I think, I'm good thank you."

"See?" Steve grinned victoriously and then he looked away with a sad expression. "You don't like being complimented." 

"You said I was an asshole. It's hardly a compliment."

"You deserved it. And I didn't mean it... I mean, yeah, you can be insensitive sometimes, but never intentionally, and you always apologize when you realize it."

Steve was right. Tony hated being complimented. He'd never realized how much he hated it until tonight. Steve was so genuine and honest and his compliments made Tony uneasy and thinking about himself and he hated that.

"Yeah, I get it. It's just..." He paused, trying to find the reason why he didn't deserve it. "It doesn't make up for it you know..."

"For what?"

"The thousands of deaths my weapons have caused..."

Steve looked at him intently, his expression blank, not bearing the judgmental contempt Tony was expecting to see.

"Is that why you change the direction of your company?" He asked impassively, his eyes still intent with genuine curiosity but not nosy.

"Yeah sort of..." Tony escaped those eyes and looked away. "You know when I got to see what it's like. War... You don't know what it's like... I mean, of course you do. I'm stupid. It's just... It was a shock for me. The horror. There was this kid... barely twenty. Shot in the head. I can still taste his blood in my mouth... I still dream about it. About all of it. I..." He wasn't seeing Steve anymore but replaying the scene in his mind like he had hundreds time before. When he realized it the silence had been heavily long, but Steve was still listening with understanding eyes. "Sorry."

The silence lingered.

"You're a good guy, Tony" Steve finally said. "And you deserve to be happy. Never forget that." His words came out of his mouth like they were someone else's, taken out of a book. He wasn't looking at Tony anymore.

"Are you talking about me or about yourself?"

"Maybe both..." He said with a self-deprecating smile and finished his glass of wine.

They stared at each other for a while, their smile growing. Tony felt good with Steve, even when they weren't speaking. His silent and comforting presence was enough, and maybe it was the same for him. He hoped it was. 

"I'd drink to that... " Tony finally said, breaking away from the peaceful atmosphere. It felt too familiar. He couldn't afford to get used to it. "If I had something to drink." He rose from his chair. "I'll open another bottle."

"Are you trying to make me drunk?" Steve asked with a smile, his eyes following Tony.

"Is that a problem?" Tony smirked.

Steve rolled his eyes and answered in an enigmatic tone, full of innuendos. "Could be."

"Bad drunk?"

"More like, I would do something stupid again. You know, like, trying to make a pass at you."

 _Okay. Cat's out of the bag._  If Steve didn't want Tony to feel like it was fine for him to want more than a friendship he was really going at it the wrong way. On the other hand, Steve was maybe oblivious and timid but he was hardly stupid. It might have been a hesitant attempt at talking about last night. So Tony did what he does best when facing a discussion about feelings. He fled.

"I'm not worried." He grinned, to avoid going further into that topic, and walked away.

"Maybe you should." Steve said and he was suddenly facing him. Eyes mischievous and smile seductive. The man was swift and deft like a cat. He hadn't even seen him coming and there he was, breathing much too close from his face. "I can be unpredictable." He whispered and put a warm hand on Tony's shoulder that was making his heart race.

He backed away to regain some relieving distance.  "You're a mystery to me, Rogers."

Steve smiled. "I'm just a simple guy."

Steve smiled too much. His eyes were too sparkly and his cheeks were too pink and he was much too cute and Tony's heart was going to explode. He needed a break.

"Do you wanna smoke?" He said while turning away from him.

"I don't smoke." He heard the hoarse voice say behind him.

"Yeah, me neither. I quit." 

He headed to the bar when he was sure to find an unused pack of cigarette. He always kept one, just for occasions like this.

The voice of reason was following him. "Maybe, that's not a good idea with your headache." 

"Probably," Tony agreed while looking into the bar. "I could really do with a smoke though, fancy coming?" He was up and facing Steve again, pack in hand. "You haven't seen the roof terrace yet..."

Steve raised an eyebrow at him. "You have a roof terrace?"

Tony grinned proudly. "Yep." 

Steve didn't say anything. They stared at each other again. There was something happening between them. Tony didn't quite know what it was. It was floating in the air and making him feel happy and uneasy at the same time. He was grinning because he didn't know what to do about the situation. Steve was trying to read his mind, eyes intent on him.

"Let me grab my coat." He finally said and headed to his room.

Tony went outside and leaned on the railing. It was very cold but the fresh air helped. It felt much too hot inside. He lit up a cigarette and inhaled the smoke with a forgotten insider pleasure. He stopped thinking for a moment. Too much proximity with Steve was doing his head in. Drunk Steve was awfully flirtatious and enticing. He realized he was half-hard. _Fuck._

He heard Steve's pacing toward him so he turned to him and leaned his back on the railing, elbows on the metal bar. Steve's eyes were glowing with mischievous sparks in the dark of the night. He stopped midway as if to appreciate Tony's languorous posture against the railing and walked to him. He came next to Tony, so close their arms were brushing, and grabbed the metal bar with both his hands and clung to it nervously. Tony admired his profile illuminated by the city lights. He was not smiling anymore but his expression was soft, his eyes focused on the view below them. His face was very close and Tony looked at his smoke-like breath in the cold of the night. His naked forearms were tense, still holding onto the railing. Tony could see the veins on the muscles.

"You're not wearing a coat."

Steve turned to him and bore his eyes into Tony's. "Changed my mind." Tony looked at him with surprise. "I'm not cold." He added nonchalantly and then explained. "I'm used to it. Winter nights are pretty cold in Afghanistan."

"I remember." Tony said while exhaling a puff of smoke.

Steve looked at him with a knowing smile. Tony held his pack to him, he took out a cigarette and bent his head toward him before Tony could reach for his lighter. The sudden unexpected proximity startled him, he opened his mouth and dropped his cigarette. Steve smirked, eyes playful. With a sensual dexterity, he caught the cigarette before it fell on the ground and put it back in Tony's mouth, brushing his lips in the process. Tony didn't move, he was completely bewildered. Then Steve held it while using it to light his own cigarette in an experienced gesture, sending a shudder of electricity right down Tony's groin, making his heart skip. Steve was a _tease._  

Tony was a charmer. He was a talker. He was a seducer. He was the one who chatted up women to his bed, or men. And when people tried to seduced him they were coming on him strongly. No need for teasing. It was blatant and fast and open. In other words, Tony wasn't used to being subtly approached and it didn't know what this was. Was Steve doing it on purpose? Was Tony reading too much into it? Was the alcohol messing with his perception of reality? He felt a bit sorry for himself, seeing that he seemed to have missed something wonderful in his interactions with others. The shy and insidious seductiveness of Steve was entirely irresistible. Tony promised himself he would never drink with Steve again. It was much too confusing.

Steve blew the smoke on Tony's face, using his height to intimidate Tony with his superiority. 

"You're not a virgin, I see." Tony teased. And no, he wasn't talking about the sex.

Steve laughed and his eyes sparkled as he exhaled. Then he looked away, staring into the night, admiring the grandeur of the city below them.

"Bucky was a heavy smoker. We used to smoke while we waited for orders. Sometimes we had to wait for hours while keeping positions."

Tony turned his face to other side. He was still leaning his back against the railing while Steve rested his forearms on it and kept his foot busy kicking the bars without thinking. Their forearms were brushing and Tony relished in the touch. "Bucky?" He asked, expecting Steve to understand what was implied.

"My best friend. He died, in case you didn't get that."

Tony shook in head and smiled awkwardly. "Must be hard."

"Shit happens." Steve said with a fatalist tone and chuckled. Then he turned his back to the city and stood into the same position as Tony, getting closer to him in the process. "That's what Nat, my friend, said to me this afternoon. That I should move on, you know, start my life. It's been seven years already." 

Tony didn't resist touching him and put his hand on his wrist in a comforting gesture. Steve didn't flinch so he intensified the contact and they stayed silent for a moment, smoking and staring in the night.

"See that place over there?" Tony said while pointing at a corner. "I was thinking, I could turn that into a recycling organic dog toilet or something, what do you think?"

Steve turned to him with an amused smile. Tony was still holding Steve's forearm but he didn't seem to want to get free. "Sounds like a lot of trouble."

"Yeah but that would mean no more need to get out of the tower for Liberty to pee."

Steve turned to him and grinned, batting his eyelashes. "You realize that we're gonna leave at some point, right?"

"It's just a thought... " Tony let out while finally letting go of Steve's hand. He inched away from him, making the distance between them more acceptable for people who are not involved. "When are you leaving by the way? Have you found a place to stay?"

"Actually, yeah." Steve answered with a proud and honest smile. He was looking away again. "I've found an apartment. Should move in in ten days if everything's alright."

Tony was glad Steve was looking away because he probably would have seen the disappointment on his face that he was unable to prevent. He felt a pang in his chest and the words were stuck in his throat. He knew Steve was going to leave but hearing it hurt more than he thought.

"Great!" He finally let out with false delight. "I'm really happy for you Steve. Seems like you really turned your life around."

"Yeah. I hope everything will work out."

"There no reason."

"I know but... I'm not used to things going fine."

"You deserve to be happy, too."

"Maybe..." Steve sounded vaguely convinced and it was painful to hear. Tony was heart broken but it didn't mean that Steve should be miserable too. He deserved someone - not Tony - who could make him happy so he would smile again. 

"You and ...err Nat seem pretty close." He didn't know why he needed to rub salt on his wound, maybe he needed it for closure, to remind him that this thing he felt between them was all in his head. Steve was not flirting and he was not interested. 

"Oh... Yeah, we are."

Steve was still looking away and it made it easier for Tony to make spiteful comments. "I thought you didn't have any friend here."

"I don't... that's... complicated. Nat is not really... Well she _is_ my friend, I guess."

"Yeah... I see..." _Right. I was right, wasn't I? Why don't you go to_ hers _and make_ her _Irish stews and smile like that at_ her _instead of messing with me. I'm fucking too old for this. Fuck._

Tony was maybe a bit too obvious because Steve was already on the defensive. "No! I mean... Nothing like that. She is just a friend. She's.... she' a childhood friend actually. And she's also Bucky's widow. Mother of 2. I hadn't seen her for seven years. I didn't feel like suddenly knocking on her door and ask for shelter you know..."

 _Shit._ Now, he felt stupid and insensitive. "I'm sorry, I--"

"Nah. It's fine. She did propose actually."

"Why didn't you stay there, then?" _YES, Why didn't you stay? Why did you come back? Why are you doing this to me?_

Steve stopped smiling. His expression wavered. He looked self-conscious and insecure suddenly like he was searching for approval in Tony's eyes.

"You said 'see you tonight'." He said hesitantly, demanding confirmation. "On your note. You wrote 'see you tonight'."

Tony was a bit unsettled by Steve's sudden vulnerability. 

"Yeah sure but... I really didn't know if you were gonna be there or not. I'm glad you are though. Dinner was awesome. Thank you."

Steve blushed at the praise. His smiled returned as well as his confident seductiveness. "Wait till we eat dessert." He teased.

"What's for dessert?" Tony hummed.

"Chocolate Irish cream cake?"

"Wow." Tony was genuinely impressed. "You made it?"

Steve nodded proudly, a smile spreading on his face.

"You're spoiling me. I'm definitely opening Champagne for this." 

Steve chuckled, his eyes were sparkling and his expression was full of innuendos. Tony remembered what Steve had said earlier about having another drink. Tony would risk it though. If Steve wanted to hit on him again, well bad for him, Tony wasn't sure he would refuse him this time. 

_I need another cigarette._

He lit up another cigarette and before he could take the first drag, Steve stole it from him and put the wet brim on his plump lips with a sly smile. Tony felt warm all over and another shiver went down in his groin at the sight of the indirect kiss. He was doing it on purpose, right? 

He took another cigarette and asked quite nonchalantly, trying to ignore his hard-on. Steve was being unfair."So are you gonna stay here for the next ten days? Or would you prefer staying at your friend?"

The question was hopeful even if he wasn't sure what he hoped for. He didn't want to see Steve go but he wasn't sure he would be able to stand this much longer.

"I don't know. Depends if you like dessert or not..." Steve's tone was absolutely serious and confusing and Tony didn't know what to think anymore.

"Are we still talking about the cake?"

Steve turned to him with a bright smile, eyes intent on him. He never answered. Then, he turned back to look at the city, blowing the smoke in the wind, kicking the railing. 

"This is breathtaking." Steve finally said. "The view here is absolutely magnificent. It makes me wanna draw."

"Yeah. I usually come here when the nightmares are too much and I can't sleep. I look at the city and its grandeur. You're so insignificant in the craziness of the city that your problems, all the panic, suddenly seems less important. It works sometimes."

Steve didn't answer that. Instead he looked up, watching the dark sky. "It's a shame that we can't see the stars, though." He finally said. "The sky in Afghanistan was so beautiful. I remember my first night there, I spent hours trying to unravel the secrets of the sky. I had never seen something so wonderfully enigmatic. Almost spiritual. Makes you feel small I guess. I was just a kid, born and raised in Brooklyn. Never seen the stars before."

He finished his cigarette and turned back to throw it away on the roof. He leaned his back against the railing to be facing Tony. There were only a few inches separating them. Tony could feel the heat of his body. He didn't seem cold despite wearing only a shirt with rolled up sleeves, in the winter night. Tony wasn't cold either. There was something between them that kept him warm. Steve's chest was heaving slowly. He was looking deeply into Tony's eyes, not really smiling. He bore a soft expression, almost as if he was expecting something. Tony saw the tags hanging around his neck. They were heaving with his broad chest. He realized Steve's breathing was hard and heavy. His hand reached the tags on its own and he grabbed them automatically. Steve didn't flinch. Having his hand so close and Steve being so open, Tony didn't resist touching him some more and splayed his hand on the firm chest. Steve's heart was beating fast, making his own heart race when he felt it. He opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out. He left his hand there and pressed it down Steve's stomach, feeling all the curves of his abs through the fabric of the shirt, then up again until it finished its course where his heart was. 

Steve was staring into his eyes. He grabbed his hand but didn't remove it, on the contrary, he pressed it against his chest, pulling Tony closer to him. Then he looked away. Tony's heart was beating fast and he felt hot all over.

"I've killed people with my bare hands, Tony." The tone was almost plaintive and Steve squeezed Tony's hand against him.

A shiver ran down Tony's spine. Instinctively, he rubbed his hand up Steve's chest and grabbed the back of his neck. He tugged Steve's head down and brought his own closer to him until their foreheads touched. Steve was still holding Tony's wrist but didn't push him away. He let himself relax in the comfort of Tony's warmth. They were both breathing hard, heart racing until it was too much for Tony. He pulled away.

"Is that how you got the Medal Of Honor?" He asked in a quizzical tone. He needed that. He needed a joke to break away from all of it. That was much too intense.

"How do you--" Steve started to inquire but perspicacity hit him before he finished his question. " Jarvis told you?"

"He mentioned something like that. I didn't ask, though. Just so you know."

Steve chuckled and shook his head with an exasperated smile. "I think I'd rather you ask me about my hardest break up."

Tony giggled. Maybe Steve felt the same way. Didn't mean he wasn't a little bit ashamed. "You heard that too?"

"Yep." 

"I'm such an idiot. I have no mouth filter."

Steve smiled at him, eyes full of fondness and maybe admiration? "I think it's cute. And I like that about you..." Then he got closer to Tony.

Tony was much too enraptured in Steve's body warmth to understand fully what he was saying. "What?"

Steve put his hand on Tony's shoulder and stepped into his personal space, his eyes locked into Tony's. Tony heart was racing and his mind to busy to decide whether he should escape Steve's grasp or not. His breath was on him, sending shivers down his spine. "I like, Steve explained, that you care and that you're trying your best to make me feel comfortable. I really feel like I can tell you anything. I've never had that with anyone before."

Tony remained stoic, eyes wide open and mouth shivering, he didn't know if it was the words or the touch that made him so helpless. Steve must have taken this as an okay to physical touch because his hand ran up Tony's neck to fondle his jaw and for a second Tony felt like Steve was going to kiss him. He panicked.

"Wow. It's kinda chilly out there. Think I'm gonna go back inside."

 

...

 

Tony strode to the kitchen. He went to the sink and drank water out of the tap, then he splashed his face, trying to catch his breath. He was raging hard. Liberty rose and came to him, asking for food. He patted her and filled her bowl. His knees faltered, he let himself slide against the wall next to her. When she was done, she sat on his side and put her head on his lap. At least, she was a real turn off so, here was that. He hugged her and felt a lot better afterward.

Steve came back with the pack of cigarette and the four butts, because Steve was respectful like that. He smiled when he saw Tony and Liberty on the kitchen floor, hugging. 

"She's really fond of you, you know."

"I'm fond of her too." _And of you._ "I'm gonna miss her when you go." _And I'm gonna miss you too, terribly._

Steve knelt before them, patting Liberty as well. She rose and licked both their faces before lying down on Tony's lap again. Steve chuckled and stood up. He washed his hands and prepared the cake.

"I'm gonna take that bottle." Tony said while trying to push Liberty away.

"I'll fetch it for you if you tell me where it is." Steve suggested.

Tony nodded and sat back down. "Jarvis will help."

He watched Steve leave and patted Liberty one last time before standing up. He washed his hands too and went to his room. His suit was wet and smelled like dog so he took it off and changed into something more comfortable, black pants and a tight long-sleeve black t-shirt. When he opened the door to get out, his heart started racing again.

Steve was waiting in the living room area. Liberty was on the deep end of the couch, sleeping next to him. He had disposed two slices of cake on plates and there were two empty Champagne flutes on the coffee table. He had the bottle in hand and was considering opening it or not. It was cute.

"What did you choose?"

"Dom Perignon."

"Which year?"

Steve raised the bottle in front of him and looked at the label. "1959?"

"Good choice."

"I listened to Jarvis."

"You won him over, didn't you?"

Steve giggled. "Why do you say that?"

"Nothing." Tony only smirked but because Steve was very perceptive he got worried.

"Should I take another bottle?"

"No. This is fine."

Tony looked at Steve, silently commanding him to pop the bottle open. He executed with perfection. Tony could hear the bubbly sound of it from where he was standing. Steve poured the champagne into the glass without losing a drop as Tony was watching the content of his most expensive bottle flowing out. Whatever, it wasn't that expensive if you saw things relatively and if it was what it took for Steve to like Champagne then it was worth it. Steve worth it. After all, if JARVIS had told him to take that particular bottle it must be because he thought the same and Tony trusted his A.I. blindly. Otherwise he would have tricked Steve into bringing a cheap one (relatively).

 Steve held him a flute, the fizzy liquid sparked out of the glass. They clinked their drinks and both took a sip.

"So?" Tony inquired, staring at Steve. He was spying his every moves and reactions in an attempt to read his mind.

"No bad. Better than the one I drank." Steve turned to him and smirked. "I still prefer coke, though." 

Tony put his glass on the table "Gimme that! You don't deserve it." He bent over Steve in order to steal the drink from his hand unfortunately Steve was faster, had better reflex and longer arms and Tony found himself laying on top of him like a starfish, never able to reach for the glass. Steve was laughing out loud. He was glowing and Tony realized that his entire body was touching his, and that he smelled really good and his heart started racing again and he had to get off before the signal reached down there. He stumbled up while holding himself steady on Steve's chest. He tried not to relish to much in the touch but Steve didn't seem to mind. However Liberty minded because she jealously came between them to get her handful of pats.

Tony was finally able to get off and rubbed his hands on his shirt as if to make the sensation of touching Steve disappear. "Sorry. I didn't mean to." He apologized embarrassedly.

Steve's smile faltered at the seriousness of Tony's tone and he sat up looking away from Tony, he was still patting Liberty. "It's okay. I don't mind. I kinda like it actually." Tony startled but didn't say anything. "It's gonna sound weird but I've missed it. The physical contact I mean. I haven't been touched for the past four months. Even if it's just a simple touch of the hand, it's good. Makes me feel human again."

He let go of Liberty who went back to the end of the couch and drank another sip of his glass. Then he turned to Tony who was very much bewildered. "Shall we eat the cake?"

Tony was trying to keep his heart from exploding in his chest or his body to jump on Steve and ravish him. Depends on the way you look at things. He tried to smile but failed.

He took the plate that was held to him, finally able to move his heavy limbs and sat down next to Steve, but not too close. The first mouthful melted in his mouth. It was heaven. Tony finished the cake quickly like an addict with his dose. Maybe he was a bit loud when he expressed his opinion on the deliciousness of it. He definitely made love to that cake.

"Steve, this cake is absolutely amazing."

Steve poured a second round of champagne for both of them and smiled at the praise. "Thanks."

"Does it mean that you're gonna stay?" Tony asked slyly.

Steve laughed and looked at him with puckish eyes. He drank another sip of Champagne, so quickly he had some dripping at the corner of his mouth. Tony bent to him and brushed his lips to catch the drops with his finger. "Careful, you've go a couple of grands at the corner of your mouth. Would be a shame to waste it." He smirked and brought his finger to his lips to lick the drop, and then he regretted doing something that stupid when he felt a jolt down his groin.

Steve awed in shock. Although Tony wasn't sure it was because of what he said or what he boldly did. "Are you messing with me? Is it really that expensive?"

"I'm messing with you, but yeah... it is. It was..."

"What kind of people would pay that much just for a fizzy drink?"

"Err... People who can, I guess."

"Rich people are crazy." He shook his head and finished his drink. Then he turned to Tony. "Sorry, didn't mean that."

Tony chuckled. "Yes, you did. But it's fine, I know, it's on me... I feel like I'm constantly reminding you of it, shoving my money in your face, you know, as if it makes me sort of superior to you because of it, which it doesn't by the way. I don't think that. It's just a habit. It's not a big deal for me so I tend to forget that it can be for other people..."

"It's okay, I know you don't mean anything by it." Steve answered with a gentle and comforting smile.

They remained silent while finishing the Champagne.

"It's still kind of early, Tony noticed after a while "We could watch a movie or something."

"Sure... I've never watched a movie on such a big TV screen."

"Oh that? Nah... That's just for background TV when I sleep on my couch.... You know I have an actual theatre in the penthouse?" Tony replied and then saw Steve's amused smile. "Shit, I did it again, didn't I?"

Steve chuckled. "I'm not even surprised anymore."

"So what do you think? A movie okay with you? Or you'd prefer reading French poetry..."

Steve's eyes flickered and his smile turned sour with something like guilt. "Yeah, about that..." he began "I feel like I haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Huh?"

"You asked me about it and I kind of eluded the question."

"Yon don't have to tell me if you don't want to. You don't owe me anything."

"I know I don't. I feel like I should though." He bore his eyes into Tony's and shifted his body closer. "I _want_ to tell you."

Tony inched away from him. "I feel like this conversation is turning serious suddenly."

Steve laughed. "Only if you want it to be."

"So. How did you happen to have this book into your possession then?"

"I was surprised when you told me that the author had an affair with another man. It kinda makes sense though. Still..."

"Oh yeah. It is very much well known. Actually, I think there even was a movie about it, with Di Caprio-- I think. We could watch it if you wanted." _Really? Are you really suggesting to watch a gay romance movie with Captain Righteous after shamelessly groping him on the couch?_  "Or maybe not. We could watch a marvel. I don't know... Captain America for example? I love captain America. I'm sure _you_ love Captain America. He's all soldier and righteous and patriot exactly what you army guys like."

Steve smiled awkwardly. "I prefer Iron Man."

"Yeah. him too.. why not? I guess Iron Man is pretty cool. Hey, a genius billionaire. Sounds like me! I could totally be Iron Man."

"Told you!  Iron Man is swell." He smiled while rolling his eyes.

"Iron Man is _swell?_ When are you from? The forties?" Tony joked until he saw a glimpse of nostalgia and hurt in Steve's eyes. "I'm sorry... you were trying to tell me something. I'm just gonna... shut up."

Steve straightened up and took his empty flute from the table to have something in his hand. He was touching the brim delicately and stared into space, avoiding Tony's gaze. 

He tapped the glass nervously, making it clink. Tony sank into the couch, bringing his knees up on it to be more comfortable. He was listening attentively. 

"I haven't told you about my hardest break up, yet." Steve started. "Actually, I've only had one significant relationship so far. Kind of hard to meet someone when you need to leave for months without any possibility to contact your loved ones." He paused with a smile full of regrets. "It wasn't a hard break-up. We both knew it had to end. Didn't mean it wasn't intense between us though. Maybe that's why it was so intense... It was the best thing I experienced in my whole life."

"Okay, this is scary."

Steve was still staring into space, elbows resting on his lap, holding the empty glass. His knees were nervously shaking. For once, he wasn't smiling. "I know you're not good with feelings, but it's about my feelings, not yours, so bear with it, okay?"

Tony readjusted his position and sank in the couch again. "I'm sorry. I'm listening."

"This book. It reminds me of it. It was his parting gift. He was French--"

Electricity ran through Tony's whole body. He felt like he'd been slapped.

"Wait! _He?_ You're _gay?_ You're fucking _gay?"_

Tony felt his stomach churn and a boiling feeling was growing inside of him. All his feelings were in a turmoil. A mix of surprise and anger and joy and fear mingling together until it was too fucking much for him. He straightened up. He had so many things to say but he remained silent, taken aback.

Steve pinched his lips and bit his lower lips. "It's all new to me, Tony. I'm still trying to get my head around it. I'd only been with women before. I didn't know... But it's... incomparable. I want that again. This is why I left the army - sort of. I've lost so much time already. I feel inadequate." Now, Steve's expression was rueful and his all body conveyed his nervousness. "I'm not good at this. I feel like the world kept going without me in it. Suddenly, I'm back and nothing's the same anymore. I don't know how to play this game... " Steve finally looked at Tony with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your behavior. It's just... I'm confused, you know. You're flirting and you told me you don't mean anything by it but... I liked it and I really wanted to... And now, I still feel like you're attracted to me because of the way you look at me or the way you act around me but then you pull away and I don't know why.... I'm a bit lost."

Tony's chest felt very heavy suddenly. His all body shivered inside out. "Fuck" was all he could say.

Steve's eyes met his own for a fraction of a second but then he looked down again. "When I saw the note and that you wrote 'see you tonight' I felt happy. This dinner. It was important to me. It don't know if it meant something for you but it did for me."

Tony looked at him, trying to say something but his body had no reaction.

"What I mean is... I thought you should know, because... I don't wanna have regrets."

There was silence as Tony was trying to find the words.

"Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit."

Steve's mischievous smile came back."Is that all you have to say about it?"

Tony couldn't bear looking at him. He brusquely reached Steve's hand and squeezed it. Steve turned his hand to entangle his fingers with Tony's and Tony didn't let go but none of them were looking at each other.

"You're doing my head in, Rogers. I thought it was all in my head."

Steve chuckled. "me too."

They remained silent while holding hands.

After a while, Tony finally found the courage to speak. "It meant something for me too."

They both looked at each other and smiled.

"I'm just curious though" Tony started and Steve looked at him intently, ready to answer any kind of question Tony might have for him. "I mean, apart from this French guy... Does it mean like you have no experience, like at all?"

Steve giggled. "I've been on the road Tony. Not in a monastery..."

"Okay. Good. Hey, how about we watch Iron Man now? Or any movie you want, just name it and Jarvis will provide. Or we could watch the Di Caprio movie, now that you're gay, you should be fine with it."

"I'd like that, but..."

"But?"

Steve intertwined their hands together, never letting go of Tony's, and tugged him closer to him. This time Tony didn't back away. "Actually there's something else I'd really like to see." Steve slurred and Tony was hypnotized by the soft lips and the warm breath so close to him.

"Anything." He answered.

"I'd love to visit your workshop."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to split the chapter in two because it was very long. Part two should be shorter.


	11. I haven't been entirely honest with you - part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2: Steve visits the workshop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Guys! This second part is so overdue... I've been so depressed. I can't seem to write this chapter right.  
> I hope you enjoy it anyway!

They were both in the elevator -Well, no... Actually, _three_ of them were in the elevator, but who's counting?- and the air was getting hot. Tony's senses were acutely heightened and he was _very_ self-conscious. It was their third ride in the elevator together and each time it had felt awkward and uncomfortable somehow. Now he knew why, which was a great thing, but didn't make it any easier.

Knowing that Steve was gay and _-possibly-_ attracted to him made him even more aware of the strong presence beside him. He was completely enraptured in the warmth emanating from Steve's body. His whole body was tense and fidgety. He tugged on his shirt, trying to keep his clammy hands from shaking nervously. He was so very aware of his anxious behavior and felt incredibly stupid and helpless. He was this excited little kid who was going to do something crazy for the first time. Unconsciously, or maybe not entirely if he was being honest, he stretched his arm so the tip of his fingers would brush Steve's hand and a bolt of electricity went through his body. It was just a little touch, completely insignificant in any other situation, but Tony felt like he had touched the Holy Grail. Everything felt so much more, all the feelings he had were intense, enhanced, increased tenfold. Everything around him disappeared. Only them counted, and the touch of Steve's hand. How could this man, a homeless guy he had only met three days ago, could make him feel things so fierce and powerful? He had never felt this way since high school when he had his first teenage crush- and heartbreak.

Steve turned his massive body to face him and got closer, pressing him sparsely against the glass mirrors. He was smiling and his eyes were shining with mischief mingled with a certain tenderness. He brought his strong hand on Tony's shoulder and rested it there, delicately, as if every moves he made needed Tony's approval first. He was staring intently into his eyes, making Tony's brain stop.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked in a soft but resolute voice. His hand was running slowly up Tony's neck to cup the back of his head. Tony didn't answer. He had lost his words, his brain was failing him so he remained silent, eyes fixated on the intense blue pools before him, lips parted. He could feel them on him already, those red plush lips. He was already sinking, drunk with that musky and so alluring smell. His heart raced in anticipation. His whole body started sweating suddenly very hot inside. He felt a weigh in his chest. It was so little and yet too much already. He was completely overwhelmed by his excitement, his fear, his desire as if he was going to get kissed for the first time. Everything was so _intense._  

Steve must have taken that as a yes because he closed his eyes and before Tony could manage any kind of reaction, Steve's delicate plump lips were on him, kissing him slowly but intensely. His tongue was brushing the corner of his lips, asking politely for permission to penetrate his mouth. Tony closed his eyes too, granting him access and Steve's burning tongue was suddenly pushing inside, slowly but vigorously. Tony abandoned himself entirely to the kiss, letting uncontrolled gasps and moans of desire and frustrated pleasure escape. The kiss was strong but not rough, manly but respectful. Tony didn't remember being kissed like that in his life. Steve was so very considerate even though he was taking charge.

He deepened the kiss, holding Tony's head in a strong grip. Tony wasn't sure when but at some point he had wrapped his arms around the taller man to pull him closer. What he was sure of though, was the raging hard-on he had in his pants. Steve was hard too, he could feel it even though he did not dare press it against Tony, always so very respectful, never overstepping boundaries. It was extremely frustrating and gratifying at the same time. Steve was cupping his face firmly, never letting go, kissing him passionately with great tenderness.

It was Liberty who broke their kiss, barking and turning around them in annoyance - _and maybe jealousy?_

Tony pulled slightly away from Steve's embrace so as to be able to speak. "We're here." He simply said, trying to catch his breath.

Steve chuckled against his cheek, blowing warm puff of breath against his neck, sending shivers down Tony's spine. "I think we've been here for a while, now."

"Actually," The computerized voice interjected."The elevator stopped exactly six min--"

"Jarvis, Mute!" Tony shouted looking up, then back at Steve, shaking his head with an exaggerated exasperated expression. "Never have kids."

They both let go of each other, feeling a bit awkward. The moment was gone, ruined. Liberty was already out of the elevator, waiting patiently in front of the glass doors leading to the workshop. Tony put his hands on his hips and rocked nervously on his feet, unable to look at Steve. He felt stupid and inexperienced, not knowing what to do or say, which was- for him- quite unusual.

"SOooo," he hissed, biting at his lower lip. _"That_ happened."

He risked a glance at Steve whose flustered face looked suddenly pale with worry. His erotic lips trembled slightly and his mouth turned into a pout.

God, it was awkward.

"So... sorry..." Steve said hesitantly "I didn't mean--"

"No. It's cool. It's err... better than cool actually... " He was still hard and his brain wasn't functioning at his best. He was struggling, trying to find the right words. "It was great." That was true, but not exactly what he meant. What did he mean anyway? He just didn't want to make Steve feel awkward. He wanted that worried look gone from his perfect features. So how about the truth? "I... I've never been kissed like that before. I was... surprised that's all. Didn't know we were there yet. I mean... you were... That was  _intense."_

Tony looked at Steve again. He was embarrassed but he still smiled shyly.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while. Did I... Was I too forward?"

"Hum... No. I mean, yes, a little. I mean, no. It's just... I didn't expect it. You were eager, but..." _Shit! Brain! Don't fail me!_

"It looked desperate, didn't it? I'm so sorry. It's been a while... For me, I mean."

Tony really didn't want to see the self-deprecating smile on Steve's beautiful face. Steve had no place feeling awkward or shameful. Steve should feel confident and happy.

"No, it's fine. It's just... It was unexpected. I mean, I didn't expect--"

"It was too fast."

"Noooo-- Yes. Maybe. I don't know... I..." he paused, unable to find any satisfying explanation. _Fuck!_ "Didn't you want to see the workshop?"

Steve was too eager to answer, eyes shining brightly with hope.  "Yes!"

Tony responded to that childish eagerness with a gentle, maybe too fatherly smile. He was able to take control again, his usual confidence and assertiveness was coming back to him. He put his hand on the small of Steve's back and showed him the way with a welcoming arm. "Okay... shall we...?"

Steve nodded with a happy smile and walked forward. "Don't worry, I'll keep my hands off."

They finally entered the workshop. Liberty immediately ran to the dog bed that Tony had bought and left there, as if she was coming back to something familiar. Tony felt a warm sense of pride and happiness at that. Liberty was making herself at home in his penthouse, in his workshop. She almost considered him family. He tried not to think about her -about _them-_  leaving soon. 

Steve paced slowly inside, being extra careful of everything around him as in a museum where everything around him was a precious treasure. Tony felt like he was giving a tour of Aladdin's cave, showing him the most beautiful wonders of the world. Steve literally marveled at everything. He looked attentively at all the little details, eager to ask too many questions like a little kid.

He paused in front of Tony's teenage decorations. His AC/DC and Black Sabbath posters, his Star Wars figurines, all his useless gadgets and relics from a past long gone. Things he probably should have thrown away long time ago. He thought about Pepper who rolled her eyes with an exasperated frown every time he made a fuss about it. She had the resigned softened smile of a mother who has been too lenient with her whimsical child.

Steve was different. His eyes were shining with curiosity and his innocent smile instantly lightened the room. He was so obviously keeping himself from touching everything, probably out of respect, and it was beyond cute Tony thought. He was hanging on every word he said, lapping up at everything he did as if Tony was God revealing him the secrets of life. Okay, so that was a good boost for his self-esteem to say the least.

He almost jumped when DUM-E rolled over to his legs and greeted him. He beamed at Tony, showing a bright smile filled with wonder and astonishment. Tony could read the unsaid question on his face.

"My pets" He simply said, as an introduction for his bots. "They don't need to be walked out to pee, so that's good." 

Steve laughed and gave a warm smile to Liberty who was very comfy in her dog bed, licking her lips.

Very few people had been lucky (or unlucky, depending on who's talking) to have the opportunity to visit his workshop (Actually, you could count them on the fingers of one hand.) but none of them had that kind of reaction. Steve was observing with the eyes of the artist, marveling at the beauty of things. It didn't matter that what Tony was doing was the next scientific revolution which would bring billions of dollars to SI or just another useless stupid side project.  For Steve, it was just intricate and beautiful- at least, that was what Tony felt when he saw the look on his pretty face. There was absolutely no judgement in those blue eyes, only fascinated curiosity. 

"What's that?" He asked while pointing at the blueprints on the table.

"That's an arc reactor. It's a device I designed and created from old schematics of my dad. It's supposed to be an unlimited power source which may, if I can make it work in a greater scale, become a clean alternative to nuclear energy." Steve stared with a wide-eyed face. "It's actually a type of fusion reactor." Tony explained. "Basically it mashes two isotopes together at such high energies that they combine into one atom. When they fuse, the reaction produces gas and a free neutron. That energy can be captured as heat to run a traditional steam-driven turbine. There are charged particles moving in a circle, contained by a magnetic field. High-energy particles usually have high energy because they're moving very fast, and magnetic fields can curve the motion of charged particles. Curving the particles' motion into a circle keeps them in one place long enough to get them to collide. Our very first prototype is currently supplying the whole Tower with electricity. My problem is-- " 

Steve remained silent, eyes fixated on Tony with a stupefied expression, half-confused, half-worshipping. Obviously not understanding a word he had just said.

"I'm rambling, aren't I?"

Steve managed a soft smile despite his expression frozen in admiration. "It's amazing Tony."

"You didn't get a word of what I just said, did you?"

Steve chuckled, a glimpse of naughtiness crossed his eyes. "Nope."

"I knew it."

"It doesn't matter." He said with a sheepish smile, his face all flustered. "I think you're beautiful when you talk about science. I'd like to capture that passion."

Tony ticked and felt a wave of warmth invading his chest. It wasn't everyday that he was being called beautiful. Actually, Tony didn't remember being called beautiful ever. Besides, only nerds like him and Rhodey would say 'science' and 'beautiful' in the same sentence. That kind of word-association was almost enough to give a science guy like him a boner, especially when being said by those perfectly pink plump lips.

"Wait... W- What?"

"Can I draw you?" He asked bluntly.

It took some time for Tony to process the words. He suddenly felt extremely self-conscious, heart hammering in his chest.

"Are you playing the Titanic card on me?" 

Steve was confused. "Titanic card?"

"Don't tell me you've never seen _Titanic!"_

"hum... No?"

"WHAT? How is that even possible? In what dimension were you living seriously?"

"I don't know... I _was_ kinda young when it was released..." Steve said with a provocative smile. 

 _Thank you for reminding me I'm almost twice your age..._ Steve chuckled with playful eyes. "You're messing me."

Now, Steve's laugh was frantic. "Of course, I've seen _Titanic._ It was my mum's favorite movie. She used to watch it whenever she was depressed. I must have seen it like fifteen times." He stepped closer and allowing himself into Tony's personal space and spoke very close to his face with a low hoarse voice. "I wasn't planning on getting you naked though. _Yet._ "

Tony inched back, trying to avoid getting devoured by those hungry eyes staring into his. "Shame. I was already picturing myself lying down on the workstation, almost naked with only a miniaturized version of the arc reactor hanging on my chest, reflecting the blue light of life."

Steve laughed again, head thrown back and hands on his hips. His whole body was moving as he laughed so openly. Then he got serious again, eyes burning with curiosity. "Is there a miniaturized version of it?" He asked, wiping the tear showing at the corner of his eye.

"Yes. Do you wanna see it?"

Tony didn't wait for Steve's answer to look for his very first prototype of a miniaturized arc reactor. Even though unstable and incomplete, it was still a jewel of technology, radiating it power through the bright blue light.

"Wow." Steve awed. "It's so beautiful. I liked the metaphor. It really look like the light of life." He brought his fingers to it, brushing them delicately on the device. "Does it work?"

"Yeah. It could probably power a truck or a helicopter... but it's unstable for now. Might explode. It would be too dangerous to use it. I'm... I'm working on it."

None of them spoke after that. Steve was still contemplating the brightly luminous blue emanating from the device, hands hovering it, captivated. Tony stood next to him, leaning on the worktable with his arms crossed. He made sure to stay a few inches away from Steve but still remained close enough to feel his warmth. Steve turned to him, his face hot and blushing. The eyes were dark and lustful and his movements were inept and jittery. Tony felt weak under that gaze.

"Wow... You'd be... You'd be really beautiful with it hanging on your chest... It's a... It's not what I had in mind but... You'd be beautiful like that."

Steve was staring obscenely. Tony felt hot under his collar. He was probably blushing too, although his olive skin made it easier for him to hide it. He felt a jolt of electricity throughout his body reaching right down the tip of his cock. His skin prickled all over and his knees felt weak. So weak he had to hold himself on the corner of the worktable to keep a steady posture. Every inch of him screamed to be touched by Steve's big fidgety hands. His mouth watered at the memory of Steve's tongue massaging his own. He stammered.

"W- What did you have in mind?" His voice came out deep and hoarse as each words seemed to get stuck in his throat.

"I thought I'd like to see you work." Steve answered almost immediately in a low husky voice, so quickly he was almost short of breath. "You said you're working on it. You're always so passionate when you speak about what you make. Your eyes have fire in them. I'd like to see that... that passion, that intent focus."

None of Steve's attitude was forward or pushy. His expression was serious and expectant but not lewd. Only his eyes were scrutinizing Tony, undressing him, peeling him, flaying him to reach the very core of him. Tony was hard, again.

He tried to answer that, but nothing came out of his mouth. He may or may not have made a shameful noise close to keening which lasted less than half a second but long enough to lit up the fire that was burning inside the younger man.

He swallowed, hard, and felt his Adam's apple bob in the process.

Did Tony say Steve was not lewd? Steve was very much lewd and even more. Every part of Steve was obscenely erotic and oozed desire and sex. His body smelled sex, his voice transcended sex, his touch was burning sex, his eyes screamed sex, his mouth tasted sex. His body was so very carnal, hot and heavy, his movements so very lascivious. Steve was all sex and in an instant he was all over Tony.

He pushed himself against Tony's body and found his way in between his legs, grabbing the older man's face with two strong hands. He kissed him furiously, making him lose his balance. Tony's back bumped against the worktable but he barely felt it, overwhelmed by the strong and brutal passion of the blond. The kiss was hot and messy, not like the shy and careful one from before. Steve was not asking for permission anymore, he was taking. His burning wet tongue forced its way inside Tony's mouth and down his throat while he moved his hips in order to open his way in between Tony's thighs, spreading them wider. Tony might have been protesting but it was completely covered by the obscenely loud groans both of them were making. It didn't matter anyway, he didn't mean it. He put his hands on each side of Steve, trying to hold onto something, and pressed them up his back, feeling every tense muscle there, through the damp shirt. Steve was already grinding his crotch with desperate need against Tony's groin. He was definitely hard too -And big. _Whatever-_ and Tony felt jolts of pleasure running across his body. He was trembling with growing desire. Tony wasn't used to be manhandled and claimed like that, he liked it. He liked it very much even.

Steve let go of his head but not his mouth, even if the kiss was softer. One hand stroked down Tony's shoulder and rested on his waist, holding him and moving him closer to his body in rhythm with his own rubbing. The other held Tony by the neck, stroking the skin where his hair started, a place Tony didn't know was so erogenous before. Steve entangled his fingers there, caressing Tony gently while his lips left his mouth to take care of his neck. He nibbled and licked possessively at the sensitive skin there, jealously trying to hide another man's mark. Tony gasped and hummed in pleasure. He hardly remembered where he was and what was happening to him. He wasn't in control anymore. He pulled Steve's huge body against him and rested his head in the crook of his neck, getting intoxicated in the erotic musky scent of Steve. Steve... whose nasty smell had stunk out Tony's car on the first night. Steve, whose actual scent smelled like heaven - and hell. Tony wasn't sure, his heart was pounding too hard in his chest. His cock was hurting too much, locked in its silk prison. His brain was too foggy with desire. Had he ever wanted anyone like that before?

Tony nipped at the skin and felt the younger man shiver under his lips. Steve was so sensitive. A simple brush made his skin goose-bump, a kiss made him shudder, a bite made him moan. His whole body was burning and ready to explode under Tony's touch and he felt like God again, having him at his mercy granting or denying. Steve's body wanted to be touched so badly. Steve's skin begged to be touched. Steve's mouth craved to be kissed and ravaged. He was touch-starved. _Steve was touch-starved_. _Of course he was_.

Tony ran his hands on Steve's back and down his hips, stroking at his thin waist, making him shiver and pant on his neck, bringing him closer. Steve got the message loud and clear. He pushed in brutally, spreading Tony's legs wider. Tony lost balance again but this time, Steve's hands grabbed his ass fiercely and he heaved him to sit him down on the workstation, giving himself a better access to his crotch.

"Woah, calm down Stud! Go easy on me, okay?" Tony gasped, surprised by the sudden brusque movements and the embarrassing ease with which Steve had managed to carry him up as if he was a light-weight. He was not light. Steve had a scary wild side that Tony liked a lot.

" 'm Sorry." He mumbled in the crook of Tony's neck.

Once he was perfectly settled in between Tony's legs, Steve resumed kissing Tony, pressing himself against him, rubbing his hard-on against Tony's inner thigh. His hands went back to holding Tony's head close so he could ravish his mouth. Tony let out a throaty moan as he opened his mouth for Steve.

Now that he was sitting on the table, Tony was taller and could easily grab Steve the way he wanted. He embraced him and pulled him close, curling his legs around him. He held him tight against his body, stroked the hair getting wet with sweat at the back of his neck and ran a hand down his back, feeling all the muscles there. Steve groaned and gasped against his lips. He rubbed himself a bit more between Tony's leg before resting his whole body on him. He let go of his mouth and nipped and kissed his way down, body slowly sliding down Tony's shirt while he dropped on his knees. He was completely gone, hands on Tony's waist, mouth open on his crotch, almost gulping the hard bulge through the fabric and moaning furiously in anticipated pleasure.

That's when Tony had a flash of lucidity. 

They couldn't do that. Something was wrong, or maybe something was so right it felt wrong? He didn't want this. Well, he did want it so badly, like he'd never wanted anything more ever. Was that why it felt so fucking wrong?

"Steeeve..." He whispered, voice hoarse. His hand cupped Steve's jaw and stopped Steve's hands in their way to his cock. "What are we doing?"

Steve's hands stopped and he dropped his head in surrender on Tony's crotch, still worshipping the hot bulge there.

"I think" he said, voice rasp and moaning "I was about to suck you off and you were gonna fuck my brain out of me."

"That's not what I mea-- Wait, what?-- _I_ was gonna fuck you?"

"hum... yeah?"

Tony mentally blocked. Millions of pictures of naked Steve overwhelming his mind and filling his brain with indecent thoughts. His cock jolted in his pants, so painfully hard in its prison. He was leaking already. My God, he wasn't sure his heart would be able to survive this. Steve was going to be the end of him. 

Steve lifted his head and looked up at Tony, eyes opened wide, expression confused. "You're disappointed." He asked dejectedly.

It took a while before Tony could process Steve's question which sounded more like a statement. Tony liked being on top, most of the time, but he was happy to bottom for manly men who knew their shit and manhandled him like Steve did but hey-- Tony liked surprises.

It kind of broke his heart to see Steve's hurt expression so he rushed him up and kissed him furiously, holding him tight against him. "Fuck _No._ No fucking way. I mean, I'd have sex any way you want but... that's... that's even better. That's fucking awesome."

Steve laughed in relief, hidden in the curve of Tony's neck. Then, he resumed his kissing and nibbling there, sending shivers down Tony's spine as a warmth of pleasure spread all over his body and down in his groin. "I don't know if I have a thing for older men, or if it's just you but..." He bit at Tony's sensitive mark, earning a lost moan. "I really really want you to fuck me right now." Tony's heart skipped in his chest and he hummed in anticipation. "And I want to fuck you too. Later..." He was gone too, vanquished, conquered by Steve's seductiveness. How could he say 'no' to this? He captured Steve's swollen lips in a rough dirty kiss that sent both of them in ecstasy. They were back to rubbing furiously against each other, panting and groaning in each other's mouth, touching everywhere. 

Liberty chose this exact moment to run toward them and started barking at Tony, expectantly.

_Fuck._

Why Tony? Wasn't she supposed to be owned by Steve? Steve let go of his mouth and hid his embarrassment in the curve of Tony's neck and laughed. "She needs to go out." He said resignedly.

Tony wrapped his arms tenderly around Steve and rested his chin on his head. "See? Now tell me how much you wish I had that dog toilet made on the roof terrace."

"First you stop me, asking stupid questions. Now my own dog is cockblocking me. The universe is against me." He whined against Tony's skin, tickling him in the process. 

Tony chuckled and pushed Steve slightly to look at his face. He was flushed and embarrassed and very very aroused. "We shouldn't do this anyway." Steve looked at him with confused eyes. "I mean, I want to. I really do. _badly._ It's just... There's a part of me that still thinks that you're doing this because you think you owe me or something--"

Steve looked pained but resigned. "Tony, I don't--"

"I know. I know but... I feel like this whore fucked by a convict right after he spent twenty years inside, Steve. It's just... You're so fucking hot and I want you so fucking badly and I feel like you... I'm scared that you... I don't know... I just... I just don't want it to be about sex, right?" Tony was trying not to see Steve's crumbling expression while he was talking. He didn't want to hurt him but he didn't want to be hurt either and he was feeling like Steve had the potential of destroying him. Completely. "I like you...." He whispered. "I like you, Steve. I want to get to know you, for real. I don't want it to be like this. I want to get to know you, the real you, when you're not depending on me. I'm sorry."

Steve remained still, ignoring Liberty's whining and curling around them. He looked disappointed and hurt and apologetic. "I'm sorry, too." He finally said, trying to be understanding. "Err... I like you too, Tony. You're right. We can wait. I can wait. I want that. Getting to know each other, I mean. When I'm gone. I'd like that."

Tony felt his whole body relax when the weigh in his chest he didn't know he had was ebbing away. An uncontrollable grin crept on his face. "Yeah?"

Steve smiled back and put his hands on his hips, while the tension was slowly appeased. He chuckled. "Yeah."

"You can still draw me though... If you want."

His eyes lit up and his smile beamed. "Really? Can I?" And there it was, that hungry look scrutinizing him again. 

"Sure." Tony answered in false nonchalance, then he tugged Steve's shirt to get him between his thighs and ravage his mouth. "but if we're gonna do this" he said, voice hoarse, in between pants. "I'm gonna need another bottle of champagne. And some more of that chocolate thing you made that made me want to marry you."

Steve chuckled against his lips. "Okay." He kissed him softly. "Let me handle that. I'll get Liberty out and bring back the Champagne and chocolate cake."

"I can come with-"

"No, stay here. Cool off. I... I think fresh air will do me good. I... I need concentration when I draw."

Tony looked down at Steve's crotch. His hard cock was stretching his khaki pants. Steve was blushing from head to toe. Tony smiled. "Sure. Don't be too long though. Or you'll found me sound asleep, drooling over those blueprints." He winked.

Steve was already moving to get out. He turned to Tony one last time. "I won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled so much to write this. This feels like deja vu and the more I write the more I feel it. I don't want to change it because it fits my story and I don't know what else to do but I am almost certain now that I read a similar story and this scene particularly. I don't know to what extend exactly and it is terribly confusing. I have this horrible horrible feeling that I'm rewriting someone else's work. I was so enthusiastic about this fic and now I've come to hate it!  
> So I'm very sorry to that person if I have plagiarized their work (which was great, not like this one. If I remember anything it's that). I'd like to read it again though because I don't know what comes from my own imagination and from my memories. It's scary, I hate it.


	12. Someone's getting himself comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve likes his bed linen and keeps walking around half naked. Tony's two significant others meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those who took the time to comment and tried to cheer me up. That was so nice of you. Although the reason I was kinda depressed was unrelated to this, I did feel a bit discouraged and I was this close to just give up on this fic and focus on my other projects. So thanks for that, it was a real confidence boost.  
> I'm sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter. I kinda have the same problem. So I totally stole this from another fic, still can't find it though, except for maybe the beginning, yeah I kinda got carried away with the beginning, and I had promised myself I’ll keep it mild. It's still pretty mild, right? I hope so...
> 
> Enjoy!

Steve woke up with a major erection.

The sun was already high and a blissful warmth slowly pulled him out of sleep while the rays caressed his skin through the glass windows. He felt like he had been kissed to sleep by angels and woken up in Heaven. He had such a good and relaxing night of sleep, lulled by sweet dreams spiced with memories and fantasies. Those memories came back in a flash and made him smile, no, laugh. He was rock-hard and already leaking in his loose briefs.

He was euphoric. Happiness was made of small things. A good night of sleep. A morning boner. Sunbeams warming his face. A wonderful view over Manhattan in the soft winter light. And Liberty feeling so at ease and familiar with this place that she could leave his side and do her own thing as she pleased, giving him some divine privacy. Steve was grateful and happy. He hadn't felt this happy in a long time, if ever. 

He wanted to prolong this bliss, make it last, make it worth a lifetime.

He started rocking his hips in a slow gentle motion, rubbing his rod in the air against an imaginary Tony. His cock brushed slightly against the fabric of his underwear, sending million prickles of pleasure from the tip down to his lower belly. He arched his back in ecstasy, wanting more but purposely denying himself this bliss. He remembered the night before, how sweet and hot Tony's mouth had felt on him. He remembered how his beard had scratched and prickled and sent shivers all over his body. He remembered how his mind went blank and his mouth felt dry when he slid down against Tony and inhaled a deep breath of his scent down there.

 _That smell._ Steve would never forget it. He could almost come at the memory of it. That smell, and all of Tony's smells. The smell of his neck, the one of his breath, that particular smell he had after working, mingled with coffee and grease. Was it possible to fall in love with a smell? Because Steve was, very much in love, with Tony's smell(s).

He shamelessly gave out a muffled moan -he was past being self-aware of JARVIS by now- while thinking about how close he had been to take Tony's thick cock in his mouth. He salivated at the reminiscing expectation, lips parted, tongue slipping out on its own. He licked his lips, trying to imagine Tony's burning tongue in his mouth. He wanted to lick him, to lick the beads of sweat down his olive temples and neck. He never wanted anyone so badly before. Ever. Was Tony right? Was he really just pent up in sexual frustration? That didn't seem right. He'd been living without this for so long, and had never missed it. Why couldn't he anymore? He just wanted it, so badly. He wanted it all. He wanted everything of Tony. 

He arched his back again, trying to find some kind of relief from rubbing inside the fabric of his underwear. He wouldn't touch himself. He wasn't going to make it easy for him. He wanted to stay like this, in between, half-way through orgasm, in an ecstatic trance. He jerked his hips, seeking pleasure from brushing against the fabric. His head was thrown back and his hand fisted in the sheets of the bed. A bed that belonged to Tony. It shouldn't change anything, the subtle difference, but it did. It mattered.

Steve whined and panted in frustration as he squirmed in the bed, trying to find some kind of relief to this self-inflicted pain, thinking of Tony. He was imagining Tony's hands on him, his tongue licking its way down his stomach, his mouth sucking at the happy trail on his stomach, down his navel. His mouth on him, warm and wet and welcoming. Steve was sort of convinced Tony would be a blow-job kinda guy. He couldn't help a long guttural moaning while thinking about the scraping of his sensitive skin, Tony's mouth swollen and glistening with spit, and then his beard ravaged and stained with his cum.

His own cock was pulsating with need, burning and painful in its prison. He traced a finger down the hollow between his abs, thinking of Tony's calloused hands roughly touching his muscles. His brought his hands to his crotch but left his underwear in place. The same finger delicately trailed its way to the tip of his cock, through the fabric, sending shivers down his spine and making him shudder. A pit of warmth churned in his body. He was ready to explode but couldn't really, not without touching himself. He slid his hand down his crotch, thumb pressing down the length of his shaft. He squeezed his balls and his thumb continued its journey deep down, between his cheeks, pressing against his entrance there. He could feel his brim vibrate under his touch, the cotton barrier making his fingers feel like someone else's. He realized how much he wanted it. He wanted to be filled, now, with Tony's fingers.

He would settle for his own though. He licked his fingers and slipped his hands inside his brief. The right cupped his balls, tall finger crooked toward his hole. The left took hold of his shaft, squeezing it hard but not moving. He pressed inside, feeling the wet cottony heat burning his penetrating finger, coated with spit. He gasped at the unexpected pleasurable pain. He wanted it so badly it only took a couple of thrusts to make him come undone. His left hand rolled his skin up and down once and he spent himself in a long keening groan, cock spurting against his stomach and ass twitching around his finger.

He had never done this before.

He couldn't imagine how his former self would have felt about this, about him fingering himself shamelessly under Jarvis's spying watch, screaming Tony's name while making a mess in the fancy sheets. There was actually something exciting about it. The idea that maybe - _maybe-_  if Jarvis saw, Tony could see too. Maybe, he would see it one day, maybe he'd look at it and see how much Steve had wanted him.

That idea built a sweet enveloping warmth around Steve's heart. His former self would die in shame, his new self felt a sort of liberating pleasure. He was a pervert, wasn't he? He probably was, and he was very content with that realization. 

Tony, whether he was there or not, made everything more intense. Steve had never felt this way before, ever. Not even with Julien. Julien had helped him discover the truth about himself. It was a sweet charming encounter and a short delicious affair, but that was all it was. An affair. With Tony everything was more, Tony held the promise of something deep and concrete. Steve was certainly in lust with Tony and maybe, maybe he was also a bit in love. Tony made him hopeful about the future. Tony made him care for his life. 

He laughed softly while rolling himself in the sheets, without paying attention to where his sullied hands wipe themselves clean. He was happy and Liberty chose this moment to join him in bed, rejoicing in this new found happiness with her owner. 

A quick shower and a bit of cleaning later, he was sitting down on the bed, marveling at the view before him, enjoying the soft warmth of the winter sun on his skin. Liberty was on his side. Sleeping. He was giving her pats without thinking, enjoying the warmth.

He took his sketchpad and looked at the portrait he had made of Tony last night. It was only a draft but he was quite proud of the way he had managed to capture the intensity of his gaze. 

Tony had been working when Steve had come back with champagne and chocolate cake. He was so focused he had barely noticed him. Steve had stared longingly at him, admiring the shining genius aura, the soft wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and the grayish hair on his temples, telling of the man's experience and hardships. His heart had skipped at the sight of the older man's focused frown and his lips adorably forming a pout. He was so beautiful he had thought. He was so beautiful like that. Transcendent and unreachable. Steve had wanted to touch him, not his skin, his soul. He had wanted to penetrate his skin, his self and unravel all the secrets lying there, in that brilliant mind. With his pen he thought that he was able to decipher some of the mysteries behind that intense focus.

Tony was an exceptional being. It took little time being in his company to realize that. How much of an exceptional person he was. Steve had felt blissed to have been graced with the affection of such a man. He was glad they didn't give in to desire at that moment. It would have been great, Steve had wanted it so badly, but it would feel even better if they waited. It would feel so much better when they finally do it. There was some kind of consecration in the act of waiting, making the finality all sacred and pure. And Steve thought he was fine with that. 

"Captain Rogers" The British voice said "I'm sorry to interrupt but there is a certain Mrs Romanov-Barnes on the line, she's asking for you, shall I forward the call?"

Steve chuckled while stroking Liberty next to him. He still wasn't used to the idea of having a butler serving you, whether it was a real person of an artificial (an incredibly amazing one) intelligence. "Yes, Jarvis, please." He lay down on the bed and crossed his legs nonchalantly, expecting Natasha's voice. "Hello?"

_"Steve? Is that you?"_

"Yeah."

_"That British guy sounded weird... Is he the guy you were talking about?"_

"Hum... No... He's a... He's a... Some kind of butler?"

_"You're currently crashing at a place where there is a butler?"_

Natasha's incredulous voice resonated into the room. Steve was having a phone conversation while relaxing on the bed, patting his dog with one hand and running his other hand lazily in his hair and the incongruity of it still amazed him. He relished in the moment, making fun of Natasha's suspicious comments.

_"Just how much loaded it this guy seriously? And just explain to me how is this possible?_

"You should see the bed I am currently lying on. Seriously, you picture how plush and soft and fluffy the clouds are when you fly over them? You know, like you just want to get out of the plane and just jump on them and roll in them? Well, that's the bed I've been sleeping in in the past three days..."

_"You ass! And there I was, humbly offering you to stay on my couch! You know what? Fuck off!"_

Steve burst out of laughter. It felt so good having a light conversation with Natasha. It felt like those seven years had never happened. 

"I just couldn't say no to that bed, Nat, understand me!"

_"I hope you know what you're doing, Steve. Just... Have you fucked him yet? I mean, you're not doing --something-- in exchange for that bed, right? I mean..."_

"Nat... Noo! We're not... We're not like that..." Steve felt a warm blush creeping over his face. He was glad Natasha couldn't see the state of him right now.

_"But he's the guy you told me about, right? Did you tell him?"_

Steve didn't answer immediately. He remembered last night's dinner and how close he and Tony had been and how wonderful he had felt when he had finally told Tony what weighed on his mind and how wonderful he had felt when Tony had been so receptive. Regardless of telling each other there might be attraction between them, last night had brought them close. Closer than he had ever been to anyone, except Bucky. They had shared so much. Steve had poured his heart to Tony and Tony had too. He had talked a lot with Julien but it was never about significant things. Everything about him, the painful memories, the hardship he had kept for himself. But with Tony, he had been able to speak, he had been able to share like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"I did." He finally answered and his smile could probably be heard in his voice.

_"And?"_

"And nothing, Nat... I... Nothing happened... yet." He paused, considering telling her or not. "You were right... about telling him, I mean."

Natasha's voice smoothed at the other end of the line. She seemed to smile but Steve wasn't sure. " _I'm glad._ " She said with an indulging tone.

"Anyway, what's new? Cause I'm pretty sure I didn't give you this number so we could casually speak about our respective love lives."

_"Yeah. Right. Sorry. Some guy named Sam called. You have two job interviews in two days and one the day after. He is going to send the contact information by e-mail. I thought maybe, we could go shopping together today and find you something proper to wear, what do you think? I'll lend you the money."_

"Great! Sure, why not. I'm gonna need some clothes anyway. Thanks Nat."

_"Is 5PM okay with you? The girls are staying at the Barnes tonight, I thought I could pick you up after my shift? What do you think?"_

"That'd be perfect Nat, thank you. I'll come by your house though, don't worry."

_"Okay. Great! I'll see you tonight then, and you can tell me all about this new man of yours."_

He chuckled and bit his lip. "We'll see. See you tonight."

He heard the phone hung up and threw his hands on the mattress at his sides, staring at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts. It was so strange how his life at turned upside down in three days. Now he had a job, somewhere to live, one of his oldest and best friend back and the outlines of a relationship with Tony that were slowly forming, he had a _future._

And for the first time since his mum died, Steve was happy and expectant about what life may give him in the future.

 

He hopped out of bed with renewed energy and headed to the kitchen, Liberty trailed behind him, wagging her tail. He checked out the fridge, found the dog food and gave a large portion for Liberty as well as some more water and then he looked for something for him. He found one of those fancy yogurt full of nuts and fruits and took it out. He opened it slightly, being careful as to not spill any in the process. He may be an expert in hand combat but he was a huge clumsy oaf at home. He was pretty happy with himself when he managed to take the lid off without any collateral damage. He took a spoon out of the drawer. On his third morning here, he was starting to get used to the place. It felt almost familiar. He took a big mouthful of yogurt and savored it with a big grin on his face. He was already picturing himself in a year or so. When Tony and him may be together for real and decide to live together. Would he come back and live here? Would they buy a new place together? Would they have something built? Maybe they would just rearrange the penthouse so that it would also suit his taste. It was stupid, he knew, to get carried away like this, when the only promise they had made to each other was to try to get to know each other better. That was hardly a proposal. He wasn't even sure he actually liked him. 

"Hello!"

Steve jumped abruptly as the voice startled him. The last thing he expected was a woman's voice calling out to him while he was eating a yogurt in Tony's kitchen. He shouldn't have reacted so strongly, he was getting used to Jarvis's frequent interruptions by now but apparently he was still very sensitive about people sneaking up on him.

He turned on his heel, looking for a face he could associate to the voice. His eyes met other blue eyes. The Strawberry blond woman seemed familiar but he couldn't place her. She was absolutely gorgeous, though. Tall and slender, a face that could have been molded by the best sculptor. Her tailored dress fitted impeccably her thin waist. She was watching him with a wary look in her eyes, perched on her impossibly high heels. She was stunning, a paragon of elegance. Her moves were entrancingly delicate but with a firmness that would tame the wildest beast. She had power in her stance and Steve thought he could kneel before her and swear allegiance right away. She was that kind of woman and he was almost a little in love. She gave him the once-over, contempt in her stare. 

"Well, someone's getting himself comfortable, I see."

Steve felt the blush creep up inside and burn his face. He was standing, barefoot, in shorts and shirt. The yogurt in his hand had spilled over him and on his face and he probably looked like the dumbest dork on earth right now. 

She smirked but Steve could still see the disdain in her eyes. It made him feel small, insignificant. "You must be Steve." She said as if the words made her feel nauseous. It lit up a fire in him that would burn his enemy down. His fist clenched as anger rose inside. He didn't like being judged and he hated that despising glimpse she showed on her face.

She chuckled. "I can see why he likes you." she said with a sarcastic voice but her smiled was tender and her eyes seemed full of regrets . It didn't last long but enough to unsettle him. She was still staring intently. The stare still made him feel very out of place, like he was a bug or a stain that shouldn't be here. She reminded him exactly how he had felt when he first arrived in the penthouse and it brought him back to the reality of his situation fairly quickly. He had no business being staying here. He knew it and she knew it too. The words, however, gave him warm pleasure that ran through his body and shook him to the core. He didn't know what to think of her anymore. She sounded more bitter and defeated than haughty.

Liberty came between the two of them and stood protectively in front of her owner, growling. She must have sensed the animosity between them. The woman flinched and lost composure for a short instant. Then she steadied herself and glared at Steve, walking forward. She wasn't scared of the dog. Steve ordered Liberty back to the rug that had been settled for her on the kitchen floor.

"Tony isn't here." Steve spat, holding her stare. If eyes could shoot he was pretty sure both of them would be dead by now. 

"I know. I'm not here for Tony. I'm here for you." Steve ticked for a second. That was weird. He didn't like that at all and this woman was scary. 

"And you are?"

"You're pretty confident, aren't you?" She said sarcastically. "I'm Virginia Potts. CEO of Stark Industries. We've met."

Steve's eyes opened wide and he stumbled on his feet for a second before steadying himself quickly. She held her perfectly manicured hand in an attempt to be polite, because people like her could cast much more dangerous threats with polite gestures than with guns. Steve did not want to touch that hand and remained still.

 And then he remembered. He had just met 'Pepper', Tony's _everything._  And everything made sense. Tony was going to marry her someday. She was so right for him, he thought. So elegant, so strong, so delicate and soft. The perfect match. They _belonged_ together. And he was just a broken cog in their relationship.

 He finally held his hand to shake hers. "Steve Rogers." 

"I know who you are." She said while heading to the coffeemaker. "You've made yourself quite at home here apparently." 

"You seem to feel pretty comfortable yourself." 

"Oh honey, I've lived here. I've known Tony for more than ten years now." Steve gritted his teeth. He could feel his face redden again. He turned around to face her while she was making coffee. "How long exactly are you planning on staying? She asked reproachfully and it sounded more like a warning than an actual question. Then added "Can't you just leave already?" 

"I don't know how it's any of your business." Steve answered, trying and failing to mask the anger in his tone. He didn't know how he had managed to speak as his words seemed to get stuck in his throat with a lump of shame growing there.

She smiled again. "You're sweet." Steve opened his mouth to say something but she didn't let him. "You're right, it isn't any of my business who Tony's fucking and how long for." She took her cup of coffee and started sipping slowly, leaning on the bar gracefully. Steve felt bile rise up in his throat. His chest compressed his lungs as his face burned in embarrassment and anger. "I just don't like people abusing his kindness and generosity. I don't know what you're playing at but Tony doesn't deserve this. You see, he's a sensitive man. He has suffered enough. He doesn't need this."

Steve wanted to shout. He wasn't playing any game he wasn't abusing anything. He wasn't. Tony had invited him and had helped him because he wanted to and he was going to repay him. He wasn't taking advantage. He would leave soon, as soon as he could. He wanted to tell her all of this but there was no point, was there? And he wasn't going to justify himself, because he didn't owe her anything. He owed Tony. He crossed his arms, trying to subdue the rage inside of him

"Is that why you're here?" He asked, glaring at the smiling woman. "I think you've made your point. I'll tell Tony you came by."

She snorted. "Oh, you don't need to, sweetheart. Me and Tony, we tell each other everything." Steve felt small again and the way she looked at him as if she knew exactly what had happened between him and Tony the night before churned his stomach. "You see, even though I'm CEO now, Tony still thinks I'm his PA and personal shrink. and honestly, I have better things to do than running errands for him."

"I don't see how it has anything to do with me." 

She sipped the last of her coffee and picked up a bag from the floor. She pushed it against Steve's chest, staring into his eyes challengingly. "Tony asked me to find this and give it to you." Steve took it with shaky hands and looked at her with confusion. She stepped back as soon as he had it in his hands and headed to the door.

"He wrapped it up himself though", she said as she took her bag "I hope you will appreciate the gesture. He deserves that at least." Steve looked inside the bag and saw a package wrapped up with Iron Man gift wrap. "I'll see myself out."

As he was standing stupidly in the middle of the kitchen, half-naked with yogurt all over his face and his shirt, hands clutching the bag and the spoon he had never dropped, he realized something. All of this was a fantasy that would never happen. How could he ever thought something like this could happen? They didn't belong in the same world. Tony was at the top of the scale, a genius, remarkable, exceptional, he was everything and more. What could Steve ever give to someone like Tony? His fears? His nightmares? His panic attacks? His pain and sorrows? He was scum. He didn't deserve Tony. Tony deserved someone like Miss Potts, not a soldier who had spent the last ten years of his life killing people without asking questions, in a war he didn't even understand the purpose of.

What happened last night was a dream. Just a beautiful dream. Things like this didn't happen in real life, the whole fairy tale love story, and Steve was no Cinderella. In real life Tony Starks marry women like Virginia Potts. They pretend to live happily ever after by showing the world the images of a dreamlike couple, what does it matter if it's real in the end? 

And if it did happen, what could he expect of a relationship like this? Three months? Maybe six months of happiness before reality catch up to them and they finally realize they have absolutely nothing in common. In real life Tony Starks are no Princes Charming, they are cheats, workaholics, if not drunks and abusive. And Steve Rogers are lost, psychotic, useless scums.

Steve Rogers and Tony Stark would never happen in real life. It was a story for a cheesy love movie. One that wouldn't even get the budget to be produced, because it was gay.

...

 

At 5PM, Steve was sitting on the steps leading to Natasha's house. Liberty was playing in the garden, enjoying the freedom. The redhead cop parked her car in the driveway and came to him. She looked at the bag next to him and nodded. She knew.

"You can stay on my couch." She said with the softest voice. And then she looked at him with a worried expression, the question lingering behind her green eyes.

"I don't wanna talk about it." He choked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm so sorry. I tried, I really tried but it seems I just can't write sweet fluffy love stories... so there might be more angst that I had planned to... 
> 
> If you ever wanna tell me if you hated that or if you loved it or if it was disappointing and that you're getting bored... Please do! Feedbacks are so so appreciated.


	13. Still no reason to marry him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It feels like an eternity since I updated this fic. 
> 
> This chapter was a bitch to write. I hate it. I couldn't write it at all. I'm so fucking frustrated because as usual, inspiration strikes me when I can't write. And I had such amazing ideas for this but when I got to the moment when I actually could write them, they were gone, forever. 
> 
> I'm so sorry but I just couldn't find it in me to re read and correct the mistakes...
> 
> I hate it.

"Steve is gay."

_"Okay. That's um... great! Amazing! But man, I'll need some context here... Who the fuck is Steve?"_

"Steve! Coffee Guy Steve! Hobo Steve!"

_"Tones, I have no idea what's you're talking about. It's 3AM, I wake up at 6 tomorrow. I don't have time for this. So please, get to the point."_

"So I met this guy, he was living in the street. And I invited him to stay at my place."

 _"You did_ what?"

"Rhodey, you're gonna need to make some effort here. I'm tired. I'm not gonna repeat everything twice."

_"Oh my God Tony, Tell me you didn't just invite a bum over to your penthouse. Are you insane?"_

"Also, he has a dog?"

_"He has a dog? You let a dog in your penthouse?"_

"Yeah, I know, that's a hassle. She's cute though. I like her. She makes a nice pillow but, did you know that dogs need to pee at least three times a day? Man, it's been a pain. I'm thinking about building an organic recycling dog toilet on the rooftop. What do you think?

_"Tones, you do realize how dangerous and stupid this is, right? Wait! Did you just sleep with the dog? Okay, that's gross..."_

"Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence. First, I did get the dog to the vet and yeah, of course I'll think of something so people won't just accidentally step on dog shit. I thought you'd have more faith in me."

_"I'm not... this is not about the dog toilet. Why would you do that anyway? Is this gonna be a permanent thing? You planning on proposing or something?"_

"Hum.. yeah?"

_"Wow wow wow. Slow down! I'm still trying to recover from the fact that you just invited a complete stranger, a bum, to live with you in your home, and slept with a dog."_

"It's fine. Steve wouldn't hurt a fly. Well... So he may have killed people with his bare hands but he wouldn't hurt me."

_"He what? He's a murderer? You invited a murderer? Tones? Are you fucking crazy?_

"Hey, he's military. That's kind of a given, right?"

_"Ah okay, so everything's fine then. (And by the way? No.)"_

"See? Totally fine. I knew you'd like him."

_"In what world exactly is this even remotely fine?"_

"Rhodey baby. Don't be a spoilsport. I'm not that stupid, I did do a background check on him."

_"Before or after you fucked him?"_

"What? No, Rhodes, really? I'm disappointed in you. I didn't even suck his dick yet. What do you take me for?"

_"Huh. You?"_

"Nonsense. Anyway, why do you keep interrupting me? I thought you wanted to make this quick."

_"Oh. No. You're not gonna get away with this, Tones. You're gonna tell me everything from the beginning. Because I'm this close to fly over to New York and kick your ass myself. Why did you invite him again?"_

"He has really pretty eyes."

_"You're a hopeless case."_

"I don't know why I did this. I sorta felt sorry and guilty and he had pretty eyes and it was freezing cold outside and I was kinda an asshole to him--"

_"You an asshole? So out of character, I would never think something like that of you."_

"Don't interrupt me, Honey bear! Especially if you're gonna be sarcastic at my expense. So yeah, you know, I thought I could at least offer him something to eat and then he told me his story and it was heartbreaking and I just invited him to stay the night."

_"Couldn't you just give him money for a hotel? Like a normal sane person would?"_

"I tried, I swear, I tried. He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't even let me buy him coffee. He's just proud like that."

_"Or he conveniently manipulated you into inviting him over."_

"I'm offended. Like I'd let that happen."

_"Should I remind you summer 92?"_

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And It's not like that. He's _not_ like that, he didn't even know who I was."

_"And you fell for that?"_

"No Jimmy Bear, He knew about me. He just didn't know it _was_ me. You weren't there. He couldn't have just faked that.

_"Right. Then how the hell did you get him in your home?"_

"I just... insisted?"

_"Okay. Just...  Don't give me any detail... What I wanna know is how exactly did this go from 'I invited a bum over' to 'he's gay, I wanna marry him'?"_

"You should see the guy, Rhodey. He's a specimen. A fucking Adonis. Even you would just want to lick his entire body."

_"Hum, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, but I guess I see your point. Still no reason to marry him."_

"It's just that, there is this sorta connection between us. I don't know how to explain. He's been here for only three days and I feel like I know more about him and he knows more about myself than every people I know (well, except you and Pepper of course.)"

_"That's hardly any exploit."_

"Come on, Sourpatch, I'm trying to be serious here. It's just... We talk. A lot. And when I say we talk I don't mean me talking science and him listening. I mean we really talk, like about everything, like about things I never wanna talk about. And I think he feels the same. And he's fucking beautiful. And he makes me wanna buy a farm, get settled, adopt a bunch of kids and get back home at night to eat what he's cooked for me. And he's an amazing cook by the way. He cooked me this whole thank you dinner last night. It was just so fucking cute. And he wanted to draw me and he said he wanted me to fuck him in the ass. And... And..."

_"Tones, you do realize that you don't marry a guy because he let you fuck his ass, man. That's just wrong."_

"I'm perfectly aware."

 _"It's kinda of weird that he would do all that in order to thank you though. It sounds kinda fishy._ "

"He didn't. He didn't plan this. We just... We got carried away that's all."

_"No details."_

"And I didn't do it. I didn't fuck him. Aren't you proud of me?"

_"So you suddenly grew a heart and have scruples. Well that's rare, but not totally unheard of... What it is exactly that you want from me, Tony?"_

"I think I'm in love. Like. A bit. A little bit. A little little bit. He's gonna leave, soon. He's found a job and a place to stay. And I said I wanted to get to know him better and maybe see where this is going when he doesn't live here anymore and he can stand for himself, you know. It's just... Tell me I'm doing the right thing."

 _"Wow Tones... I don't know... I don't know what to say... What did he say?_ "

"That he wanted that too?"

_"Well. that's okay I guess. Do you trust him?"_

"I do but you know, we barely know each other. What if I'm wrong?"

_"Well, there's no way to be sure. But you hardly took risks here, about the relationship thing I mean, not about the inviting a stranger home thing. I'm still angry with you about that by the way. We're not done talking about that... Just so you know... But um... But if this is what you want, I mean if Steve is what you want then just go for it. Give it a chance and see what happens."_

"I'm freaking out."

_"Yeah. Feelings are pretty scary, but they can be amazing too. Just promise me you won't let him hurt you. Have you told Pepper about this?"_

"Yeah. She knows. Well not about what happened last night but she knows about him."

_"How did she take it?"_

"Why are you asking me that?"

_"Well, nothing but... Weren't you in some sorta, you know... together-not together relationship?"_

"Aah nooo, we're not. She broke things off with me."

_"WHAT??? When? How?"_

"Just before I met Steve..."

_"Why do I only know about this now? How did that happen? What did she say?"_

"I'm not sure... Something about me figuring things out..."

_"And so you threw yourself at the first guy who came your way! Smooth, Tones! Smooth..."_

"I didn't! It just happened. What does that gotta do with Pepper anyway."

_"Nothing. Just, make sure you tell her how you feel at some point, okay?"_

"Yeah... Yeah sure."

 ...

Tony woke up smiling that morning. There was something warm, light and fluttering in his heart, like he could float away. He had never felt so light and happy in his life. He was like the heavy weight he had been carrying on his shoulders had suddenly been lifted away. Everything suddenly felt so easy, and within his grasp. It was like all the reasons and the excuses he had used before for not having this, suddenly felt obsolete and insignificant.

Steve did that. Steve made things simple. Steve made everything possible and self-evident.

He got up without feeling the usual gloom at the prospect of living through a new day. He felt a surge of affection when Liberty trotted toward him, wagging her tail and asking for pats. He didn’t even sigh when he had to walk her out for number one _and_ number two, not even when he had to pick up— yeah maybe he did sigh at that moment, but he didn’t mean it. It was just out of habit. Just give him a break, okay?

It was not over. They would see each other again. Maybe it would become something more. Maybe not. Maybe they wouldn’t knock it off. Maybe they would get bored after meeting twice. Maybe it would never work or maybe they would just be friends. But they would try. They would try and there was hope. There was _something_ there. Something that life could still offer him. He wasn’t dead yet. He could still live something, with Steve or someone else but the possibility was there, the _hope_ was there.

 ... 

Tony swayed his way to Pepper's office, waddling and moving suggestively, just like he always did when he wanted something from her. She wasn't impressed though. She always thought he was ridiculous, but it made her laugh. He held himself lasciviously on the doorframe, before charming her with his natural appeal. She had always been weak to his charms.

Not today though, she seemed preoccupied. She was typing on her computer and didn't look up to see his masquerade, she just smiled to him, a bitter smile.

Tony danced toward her desk and planted himself in front of her. He took her delicate hand and brushed his lips on it, inhaling her perfume. She always smelled nice and her skin was so soft.

"Pepperoni." He whispered. "You smell so nice today."

The strawberry blond cast him a strict look. "You saying that everyday, Tony." She answered, a bit more annoyed than usual. "What do you want?"

"Can't I just kiss a good morning to my girl?"

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him. "I'm not your girl."

"Did you get what I asked you to?"

She sighed, rose from her chair and went to one of the cupboard. She took a package from it and held it to Tony. "Delivered this morning. Happy?" She didn't wait for Tony's reaction. As soon as the package was out of her hand she turned around and went back to her chair, ignoring him.

"Ah Pep. Don’t be like that!"

She raised an angry frown at him. "Can I do my work now? I still have to finish preparing for the meeting you need to attend to in half an hour, you remember?"

"Of course I remember, who do you think I am?" He asked in a very offended tone and then he cleared his throat. "I need to find Iron Man paper. Would you find that for me?"

He doe-eyed her the best he could but she seemed not to be in the right mood today. He wasn't sighing anymore she was just outright pissed off. Did she have her period or something? 

"Tony, I’m CEO. I don’t work for you anymore. I’m not your PA, I’m not your secretary. And honestly, I don’t have time for this. So I would appreciate if you were not to ask me to find gifts for your flings. Thank you."

He'd never understand women. Especially _not_ Pepper. She was the one who broke it off with him.

"I'm not quite sure to understand but I can assure you this is not for one of my flings."

"Of course, not. This isn't for 'Steve'." She said with a scowl and hand-quotes "And you just want to wrap it up in Iron Man paper because you suddenly became a fan."

"First of all, you know perfectly well I'm more of a Captain America fan and second of all, I do not fuck Steve."

"Yet."

"I don't Pep." _I swear._

"Because, he didn't let you."

"Quite the contrary actually. He very much invited me to... ahem." he cleared his throat again. "Well, let's say, he was... interested."

"And you didn't fuck him."

"And I didn't fuck him."

"But you want to."

"But I want to--No! Yes but... I don't care if we fuck in the end. _I. don't. care._ This isn't about fucking. I want to get to know him, as friends or more. We'll see. He makes me want things, Pep. He makes things _possible."_

Pepper looked up at him and opened her beautiful green eyes wide. He soft lips were slightly parted in surprise and Tony thought he could see a glimpse of sorrow on that face but it was soon gone and she smiled. Her smile was so tender and affectionate that Tony felt a pang in his chest. He loved that woman. He loved her so much and he wanted her in his life. She was so precious to him.

"Steve sounds like an amazing guy." She attempted to sound cheerful but it was off somehow. "I'd like to see the specimen."

"You'd love him. He's a fan of arts and all."

"Really?"

"Really." He confirmed with a nod. "By the way, about that... I thought about organizing a private tour at the MoMA and get a reservation for The Modern before that, do you think we can arrange that?"

Again Pepper looked astonished before she gathered herself and put on her beautiful smile. Her tender eyes displayed all the affection she felt for Tony. She loved him, just as much as he loved her. "Of course Tony, with money everything's possible."

"Thank you, love. You're amazing you know that right?"

She answered with a sardonic smile. "I'll take care of your Iron Man paper."

"I knew it." He said victoriously. He bent over to kiss the delicate cheek of his long time lover and brushed his lips on her soft skin. "I wanna wrap it up myself though." He whispered in her ear.

 

...

 

Tony was on time, at 7p.m on the clock, in front of the building. He was rocking on his feet nervously and kept redoing his cuff-links. He was quite proud of his appearance tonight. He hoped it would work on Steve. He kept imagining Steve in the suit he had picked up for him. He would be outstandingly gorgeous. He was waiting for the car he had arranged for him.

But it never came.

He called the driver. Steve was never there. He asked Jarvis. Steve had left with his bag and Liberty earlier this afternoon. "Why did you let him leave, J?" She pleaded hopelessly. "You specifically asked me not to lock him up inside, Sir." Yeah, he did that. What a fool. No, of course he did that. He's not about to sequestrate people now. What the fuck? "Why didn't you call me?" "You didn't ask me to, Sir."

 

Tony went back to his Penthouse late at night, drunk off his face, his clothes ripped to shreds. _It was too good to be true_. He looked at the immaculate living space. There was absolutely no sigh of Steve or Liberty.

The guest room was perfectly clean and new. The dog supplied had been put away. He'd thought for a minute that Steve had taken then and he felt a surge of warmth at that, but it was just the cleaning staff. 

Everything remained perfectly shiny and spotless. With only the bag with the suit that Steve had left there. He didn't even take it. Tony rested his back against the wall and looked around. It had never felt so lonely before. It was _so_ lonely and empty and _dead_ in here. He felt like he was staying in a giant coffin. His coffin. Because he was dead. Ever since Afghanistan, he'd been dying a slow and lonely and miserable death. 

He looked at the bag of clothes. The only remnant of Steve's whirlwind visit in his life. The promise of a future he would never have. The promise of something great and true that could have happened but never will. _The lie._  

He was fool. He was a stupid fool and a pathetic old man. What was he thinking? 

He felt the panic rise inside of him. He knew the early signs now. He would have one now. Not now. He mastered his emotions and shut them off before they took him over.

He left himself slide down against the wall until he was on the floor. When his rear touched the hard cold tiles he felt them coming. The tears. He dropped his face in his hands and cried. For the first time in a long while. He cried.

He cried over his sorry and pathetic joke of a life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And isn't this just the cheesiest and most cliched thing you've ever read? Yes it is...
> 
> It's nauseating. It even makes ME wanna throw up.
> 
>  
> 
> Don't worry. Next chapter shouldn't take so long. I'm almost done with it.


	14. He would remain a book on his shelf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for commenting and kudoing. ;-)  
> Makes me so happy to hear your thoughts!!!

_That’s it._

_That’s where his new life starts._

He dropped his duffle bag on the floor with a loud thump. He looked around. It was old and ramshackle but clean. It was enough. He tested the kitchen equipment, the faucets, the windows handknobs. It was in poor state but still working. They would be fine here. Him and Liberty. It was more than he could ever hope for. It would do. It was temporary anyway.  A first step on his way back to a proper home, a proper job, a normal life.

He cast a look at his duffle, the only possessions he brought in his new home. The place was already furnished, simply but there was everything he needed. The rest was superfluous. It felt empty though. Sad and empty. There was nothing personal, nothing warm, nothing welcoming.

He took out the blanket he bought for Liberty and the food bowls. It was the only things he bought with his first paycheck, apart from some necessary stuff like food or toilet paper. _Things for Liberty_. It wasn’t much but that’s all he could afford for now. He would buy her better things next month. For now he was already lucky that they gave him an advance. They didn’t have to. He just started two days ago. 

Moving in was a short and simple affair. He didn’t even ask for Natasha’s help. He regretted it though, not that he needed anyone’s help, he had nothing to unpack, no boxes to carry, nothing but his worn out duffle. It just felt really lonely. Especially after spending two weeks with her and the girls. Two weeks in Bucky’s shoes. Two weeks living the life Bucky should have been able to live, if it weren’t for him. He had tried to let go of his guilt. It wasn’t really his fault. Nobody could have known, few could have prevented it. Everyone knew that and nobody was blaming him, least of all Natasha. But living there, seeing those girls growing up without knowing their dad just broke his heart, shattered it into pieces. Guilt came back like a bitch to crush him.

That was a real experience, living there. The girls were so noisy but absolutely adorable. He would miss that, despite everything. He would miss them. He had always longed for a big family. Growing up, it was only him and his mum and hadn’t been very lively. They were happy, his mum had done her best, but there was always something missing. He had promised himself he would find a nice wife, and cherish her and they would build a safe home and a loving family together. This was what he had always wanted. Now, he would never have that. And as much as he tried to accept himself, this was something he would always regret.

Maybe it was for the better anyway. What did he have to offer? The war had left him more scarred that he had thought. He had always said he would be fine but ever since he left, everything just went shit. Out of context, he had realized how much those eleven years had wounded him, and not only physically. It was exactly like when you get hurt in the middle of combat and don’t realize it because of the adrenaline and everything, but when it’s over, the pain comes and strikes you tenfold. 

He was fine though, better than most, and his last overdue revelation gave him something to look forward to, something to _hope_. Something he had never really had during all those years. He  _had_ dreamed about having a family and all but that had always remained buried deep, somewhere in the back of his head. It always felt off, as if, somehow, he always knew that it would never be possible. This however, was tangible, almost palpable. He _could_ have this. He could find a partner, someone to love, someone who would love him back, someone he could share little things with. Simple things. Things like, a walk in the park on a Sunday morning. A coffee on the terrace, while admiring the sun rising. Cooking together, and get carried away with each other and ordering pizza instead. Holding hands...

That’s what he craved for, now. Just simple things. As simple as a kiss before going to work, with the promise to see each other again. Having something, someone to go back to, always. It was hard to accept that truth about himself, he was not going to deny this, but he was not going to live his life in the shadows either. He was too fucking old and yet too young, and he had lost too much to do that to himself. He wouldn’t live in the closet. He hadn’t left the army to live his life secretely. He had nothing to lose now.

He was already out at work. He came out during his job interviews, he hadn’t been sure at first if that was the right move. It could have cost him the job, but he wouldn’t live a lie. Not anymore. He had wondered if maybe he should wait but he had said it anyway. It was just incidental, but it was out. It had felt good actually. They still offered him the job. He guessed he had a pretty good resume, or maybe nobody cared. And that idea was even comforting. The world had changed, he hadn’t even realized it.

The three interviews he did went well. They all wanted him. The job was way beneath his qualifications and the pay was minimum but it was a start and the one he chose offered different possibilities for a promotion. He could make a career there. 

The first thing he did when he got money in advance was to pay Tony and Natasha back. He gave money to Natasha first. She had bought his clothes for the interview, even though she was raising her family with a single salary. She had fed him and offered shelter. It would take a lot more than a few dollars to thank her. He promised himself he would be there for them, like he should have been all those years ago, if he hadn’t been a coward. He was Sarah’s godfather after all. He should have been there.

Tony also had helped him, more than he could ever repay. But Tony didn’t need the money, everything he did for him cost him less than a penny. It wasn’t about the money. It was something else. It was more, much more. It was the push he needed to get his life back on track. Tony had cared. He had looked at him, listened to him, made him feel alive. He had been more alive those three days he spent with Tony than he’d been his entire life. He would never be able to reciprocate. 

He could still feel Tony against him, feel his warmth, his calloused hands, his languorous kisses, the prickling of his beard on his skin. He could feel it all. He could still hear his voice, the anger in it, the pain, the confidence and the insecure feelings lurking over. He still smelled him, his cologne, the smoke of the cigarette they shared on the roof terrace, his sweat, his salty and musky sweat. He could still taste it in his mouth, along with the champagne and chocolate kisses. They had been so intimate. So close and yet so distant. Closer and more intimate than he had ever been with anyone. Even Bucky. Closer than he could ever imagine. How could it be possible to feel so close in such a short amount of time? How could it be possible to feel so close to someone so different? How could it ever work with someone so different? Someone he shared nothing with, nothing but sex, and a closeness so deep it scared him. This was not how he imagined to live his relationship, to build his family. This was not how he imagined his partner, his lover, the one who would share his life. 

He went to the Tower and deposited an envelope there, at front desk, for Tony. He went there when he knew Tony wouldn’t be. He didn’t want to see him. He couldn’t. If he saw him he would see the hurt, the confusion, the lack of understanding that he had caused on Tony’s face. Or maybe worse, maybe he would see the indifference, he would see how little he had meant to Tony, when Tony had meant so much to him. If he saw him, he would get enraptured again. That he couldn’t afford. Tony would remain with him, a sweet memory, an amazing experience, like Julien. He would remain a book on his shelf and a pleasure for his darkest fantasies. 

He started getting this place ready. When he was done with setting a comfortable spot for Liberty and giving her food, he finally decided to put away his own things. He hung his new clothes, the ones he bought with Nat, in the small wardrobe and put his old ones on the shelves. Then he did the same with his groceries. It was a small place, there wasn’t much room but he had managed to make some space for Liberty and for him. He had so little, it wasn’t that hard.

When he was done he turned around and admired the result. It still felt horribly lonely. He looked at the small bookshelf, empty but for one book. _Julien’s_ book. It was worn out and stained with coffee but Steve had kept it like his most precious treasure. And then there was Tony’s gift, still wrapped up in Iron Man paper. He hadn’t opened it. He hadn’t had the courage to. He probably knew what it was anyway, seeing the shape, the weigh and the size. It was hardly a surprise. Still, opening it meant accepting it, and it meant dealing with all of this, acknowledging it, seeking the meaning behind the gesture and admitting the truth about it all. He didn’t want to lose himself in vain hope. What was the point? Nothing could have ever happened between them, and if there could have been, now it was too late. He had missed his chance.

He had fled, like a coward. He had fled something that could have been great, something that could have been real. He was a coward. Tony was too big, too much for him. Too rich, too famous, too old, too smart, too damaged, too much, too much everything. He had fled because he was scared.

Maybe it could have been real, maybe... But he would never know now. It would remain a fantasy, a dream that would fill his box of regrets along with all the things he wished he would have been brave enough to do.

He put the gift on his shelf, next to the book and left it there, unopened. He had thought about giving it back along with the money, but Pepper’s words still resonated in his head. _I hope you will appreciate the gesture. He deserves that, at least._ Tony deserved that, and much more. He deserved someone strong and brave, like Pepper, someone who would enjoy his gifts, not a coward like him who kept being rude and ungrateful.

So he kept the gift. He kept it because, at least, he wouldn’t be ungrateful about it.

He felt so sad suddenly, sad and lonely, crushed by all those regrets. What a great way to start his new life, he thought. Was that what he was expecting now? Going to work and coming back to this cold and lonely place, alone, every night? Not even being able to go on all those apps you have now to find a sex partner, because the only phone he had was the prepaid one they had given him at work to be able to contact him. He felt a weigh in his chest, so heavy that he felt the need to fall on the bed. The bed he would spend his night in, sweating, not against somebody’s warmth, but alone, trapped in his aweful memories and worst nightmares. He could feel it again, the panic, the anxiety, the overwhelming melancholy. It was crushing him. He felt the acute pain in his chest growing, the weigh getting heavier until he couldn't breathe anymore. He wanted to scream. Everything was riling and churning inside.

He didn't want to be alone anymore. He didn't wanna go through that alone anymore.

Liberty sensed it and ran to the bed. She jumped onto it curled at his side, whining and licking his face. She always did that when he had one of those. He felt the warmth of his dog and found it in himself to curl his arm around her and hug the fluffy animal. Soon he got his feelings back in control. He hadn't had one of those in a while. It had started when he left the military, but since Liberty it was a lot easier. Like he said, he was one of the lucky ones. He had all his limbs, and he was fine.

He caressed the dog while she was yawning. He patted her head and pulled on the collar softly. _Tony's collar_. He hadn't meant to steal it. He had just left in a rush and forgot about it. When he saw it, he was already long gone. He could have given it back, along with money but somehow, it felt right to keep it. It was not for him, it was for Liberty. There was Liberty's name on the medallion. Tony had made it for her and Tony had cared about her, as much as he had cared about him, maybe more. So it felt right to keep it, not for him but for Liberty. He felt a little bit guilty about stealing such a fine piece of high tech but he figured Tony probably had the blueprints to make another prototype if he ever needed to. This one was just an imperfect draft he supposed. He didn't even have the watch to go with it. It didn't matter, because you could tie a leash on it, just like any other collar but most of the time, Steve didn't.

He looked at the collar again and felt a surge of pride and admiration at Tony's tech. Just like what he had felt when he had wanted to buy himself a smart phone. He had looked at all those Starkphones that cost a year worth of rent. They were amazing. He had wondered if Tony gave some ideas for that as well or if he left the little things to his teams of engineer and only bothered with great project like the arc reactor. He thought he probably gave some input, knowing Tony, he would want it to be prefect and add his own signature to every product that bore his name. Or maybe he didn't, and Steve didn't know Tony at all. How could he? When they had only seen each other for three very short days. Not even a week. Not even three whole days. Just three nights. Three nights in Tony's company, that was so little.

He didn't want to be alone.

He took his phone out of his pocket and looked at it. It looked so plain compared to those he had seen at the Stark Store. He looked at the three numbers he had in it. Natasha, his work, and the Barnes household. 

What an amazing prospect of a life, he thought. Three numbers, one friend. 

He got up and looked into the pile of papers he hadn't found a place for yet. He was searching the card. He was sure he hadn't thrown it away. And there it was. He went back to his bed and typed the numbers on his phone. 

It answered after three rings. Steve could hear some music and loud voices in the background, like a party. He heard a distant laugh, as if the man was laughing at somebody's joke and then the music and the voices got muffled.

_"Hello?"_

"..."

_"Hello? Who's this?"_

"Err... You said I could call this number if I ever needed a friend."

There was pause and neither of them spoke for a while. And then the man asked. _"Steve?"_

"Yeah, how did you...?"

_"It's not like I give my private number to that many guys."_

Steve chuckled. "Yeah sorry."

_"So, how are you?"_

"I'm fine. Just moved in actually, so I wanted to... thank you, I guess."

_"That's great! The place okay?"_

"Yeah. It's fine. It's temporary."

_"Did you need some help with the boxes perhaps?"_

"Not I'm good. Not like I had a lot of things to move. I just... I just... I needed the company". He admitted. "but you seemed busy so..."

_"Nah, it's cool. Family stuff. My niece's birthday. I was about to leave anyway. Wanna meet somewhere?"_

"Yeah. Yeah. I'd like that."

_"Great!"_

 


	15. I want more to life than this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you think you hated me before? Now, you're really gonna hate me! ;-) Enjoy!!!

People loved Tony.

When they met him, they just loved him. He had that kind of charisma that pulled you in like a magnet. He was fun and beaming and drew all the lights on him. The rest of them just gravitated around him. He had always had that aura. When People met Tony, they just awed and listened avidly and laughed at his jokes and wanted to get some of the light he radiated. They loved him, or they pretended to, so they could feel important when he deigned grant them some of his time and attention. They loved him but they never tried to scratch through all of this and find out who he really was. They loved him but they didn't know him. Not her though.

The first time she had met Tony, she had loathed him. He was just this arrogant misogynist egotistic and self-obsessed ass. She had hated him when she first met him. And she had hated him after that. And then she had regretted ever asking to do her internship in Stark Industries. 

And then she noticed.

She noticed how he paid attention. She noticed how he cared. She noticed how generous and loyal and vulnerable he was under that mask. And she accepted the job offer. And she took care of him, of his every need. She became essential to him, indispensable. She became his everything. She became part of the very small and closed circle of people who can actually say they're intimate with Tony Stark. 

She knew him better than anyone and she loved him better than anyone.

She had loved him, secretly, from afar. She had loved him with all her heart, with all her soul. She had loved him and cared for him so deeply and devoted her entire being to him, feeling content of the bits and crumbs she got from his affection. She would have done anything for him. Anything. For four years, she had loved this man in secret. For four years, she had lived for him, hoping secretly he would notice her one day. He noticed her of course, he cared for her, he knew everything of her, but not how she hoped he would. She had wanted him to see more. She wanted him to _see_ her.

When he got kidnapped, her heart died a little. Part of her died too, when she thought Tony was dead. Every hope she had, every happiness she'd felt, it was all crushed in an instant. She was crushed under so much pain, so many sorrows, so many regrets. She had never told him. He had died, feeling lonely and unloved when she had loved him, more than anything.

He didn't die after all. People don't get rid of Tony Stark that easily. She should have had more faith in him she had thought. He didn't die but he would never be the same again.

When she saw him, all broken and weak, worn out as if he had aged ten years in those few months, she felt her heart crush again in her chest. And for the first time, he had noticed her. When they eyes met, when he saw the pain and desperation in them, when she couldn't say a word as every sound she was trying to make would get painfully stuck in her throat, he knew. He knew she was his and that she had been for a long time.

She had hoped then, but he was a broken man, physically and emotionally broken. Drowning in a spiral of self-loathing, guilt and trust issues. Unable to love. Unable to feel loved. Unable to accept love. _Broken_. 

So she was there for him, she was there for his nightmares, his flashbacks, for when he didn't have the strength to get up anymore. She was there to feed him when he couldn't. She was there when he was too drunk, she was there when he tried to stop drinking. She was there to listen, to comfort, to soothe. She was just there, for him.

She spent the last seven years trying to fix him. She thought she had, at some point. They even dated for a while and it was great. It was. It was amazing even, but that's all it was. There was no commitment, no promises, no future. She thought that would be enough but it wasn't. She wanted everything with him but he wouldn't open his heart to her. He wouldn't let go. He wasn't hers. He wasn't anybody’s. He would never be.

She had accepted that and she had made do with it, for a while. But it wasn't enough. So they tried something else but it failed. They even tried having an open-relationship. She had accepted that too. He wasn't a one lady's man. He wasn't before her and she knew it. He was frivolous and promiscuous and slept with just about anyone. Rich women poor women, married women, older women, younger women, even men sometimes... That's who he was. That's how he was, constantly trying to seek comfort and love in meaningless sex, trying to find the recognition and approval he never had in his childhood in the eyes of his so many lovers of one night. She didn't try to force him into a monogamous relationship he didn't want. But that had failed too. 

In the end, they just ended things. They kept having sex though, occasionally, because they loved each other. They loved being with each other. They felt good in each other's presence. Sex felt good. Sex with Tony was amazing. An experience she would have again and again if she could but she had understood that she would never have him, not completely. Although, somehow, she had managed to never lose hope. One day, she thought, one day he would see. One day he would realize what they could be. Some day, he would and she would be there for him when he is ready. Some day.

She had been waiting, for seven years, for Tony to finally realize they belonged together. 

And then it all crumbled. 

For seven years she had waited and loved and hoped with all her heart, with all her faith and everything was crushed in an instant when her eyes met other baby blues.

She knew then. She knew she had lost him. She knew she had lost _to him_.

The first time she saw Steve, he was just an outcast. Some guy wearing dirty clothes, hidden under filthy long hair and beard. A guy who hadn't had a shower in a while and whose only company was a dog. A typical bum. She had felt sorry for him then, just like she always felt when she met one of those. She couldn't help feeling some kind of pity, imagining how they could have ended there. What was their lives? What was it that they'd done wrong? What choice had they made that brought them there?

Steve wasn't quite typical though. He had nerves. He had rage. He had a stubbornness and a sass that were enough to get his attention, _Tony's_ attention. Tony had been drawn to him then, fascinated. She hadn't thought much of it at the time. Tony's interest was fickle. It would get pulled in all kinds of directions. He would suddenly feel passionate about the oddest things but it usually faded soon enough. 

She thought it would be the same with the coffee guy but it didn’t stop her from feeling her chest constrict when she learned that he was staying at the Penthouse. She started feeling anxious. She was never anxious. She was strong and stable and comfortable in her shoes. She would leave anxiety and panic to Tony. It wasn't much that the coffee-guy, Steve, was living in his home—the home was supposed to be hers, that _had_ _been_ hers—that hurt her. It was the way Tony talked about him. The way his eyes shone and his hands moved and his chest opened up. It was the excitement, the hope, the joy she could hear in his voice when he mentioned him, and the dog. 

She thought he just wanted to fuck him at first, but then, there was the clothes, the meeting missed, the gift... There was more. There was more to it than a fuck. There was more to it than she ever had. He was opening his heart. He was finally opening his heart to someone. And it wasn't her. And it killed her, not because it wasn't her, but because Tony wasn't even realizing it. He had no idea. He was giving his heart to a stranger, a stranger who didn't care about him, not the way she did. Someone who would break it, step on it and crush it.

But even then, she couldn't quite believe it. She had to see. She had to see for herself. 

And she saw.

Steve was everything Tony had wanted and more. Everything about him Tony craved and she knew. Physically, he was just his type. She had known him long enough to learn about his tastes in men and women. She wasn't scared of that though. There was always someone like that who would meet Tony's eyes. It was just physical. Except it wasn't. Not with Steve. 

Not only Steve was gorgeous, but he was kind and gentle and strong and absolutely adorable. She had seen all that. When he was there, in the kitchen, feeding his dog. When he was there, yogurt all over his face, rejoicing in all the simple things that life would offer him. She knew then that he was right for Tony. 

She knew when she saw how innocent he was while his eyes bore the pain and burden of experience and hardship.

She knew when she saw how strong and determined and vulnerable he was. Strong enough to deal with Tony, to catch him when he falls. Determined and stubborn enough to deal with all of Tony's shit, to keep trying when he closed himself up, to never give up on him. Vulnerable enough so Tony could catch him too and help him, find a purpose to keep going. 

She knew when he defended Tony, stood up for him, for _them_ , against all odds, with all his being. She knew then that he cared, just as much as Tony cared.

She knew she had lost him. And for the first time in eleven years, she gave up.

Virginia Potts was no romantic. She was strong and determined and practical. She didn't believe in love at first sight, she didn't believe in cheesy love stories. She never wanted a prince charming. 

She was strong on her own. She didn't need anyone. She just wanted _someone._  Not someone to take care of her, to protect her or help her. No, she didn't want that. She just wanted someone she could share her life with. Someone who would walk beside her. Someone she would love and laugh with and share her best moments with. Someone she would build a life and a family with. 

Virginia Potts didn't believe in love at first sight, she thought love was something you built and fed and cared for so it would grow stronger. She didn't believe and yet she had witnessed it. 

She had witnessed her best friend, her man, the love of her life falling in love with someone else, a stranger, in only three days. She had witnessed it happen and she had witnessed it explode in his face before anything ever began. 

There was no cheesy love stories. There was no fairy tale. There was no love at first sight. There was only hurt and disappointment. And Tony had spent the last four weeks hiding from the world in his workshop. 

She had been there for him, even if he wouldn’t see her. She had kept trying to talk, to get him food, to comfort him, keeping tabs on him, asking JARVIS about his health, every fucking hour of the day. 

Now he was finally out. She was prepared to console him, to listen, to reassure. She would do that even though she had given up on him, because he was her best friend, her partner, her everything. 

She was prepared to help him recollect the pieces of his heart and put them back together, it didn’t matter that her own was broken too. She would be there for him, like she had always been.

When he had asked her out, she was prepared. Although, she hadn't needed to, because none of this happened.

Tony was not broken, his heart wasn’t shattered in thousands pieces. No. Tony was there, in front of her, wearing his best suit. He wasn’t showing his usual bravado, he wasn’t trying to hide his feelings behind a happy mask. He was there, at the table, hesitant but determined. 

He was there, looking at her with intent focus, seeing her, worshipping her.

He was there humble and unsure but strong and grounded.  

He was there, holding a velvet box with a determined hand. 

He was there asking _her_ , to marry _him_. 

"Tony" She whispered, her voice shaky with the turmoil she felt inside. "I don’t understand."

"I love you." He muttered as if it was the simplest, the most obvious thing in the world. "I’m sick and tired of waiting, Pep. I’ve wasted enough time. Let’s do this."

"but..." She had lost her words. "um... Wh-why now? What about Steve?"

Tony looked at her funny, as if she said something extremely irrelevant and out of line. "What about him?"

"I thought... You and him..."

Tony sighed and ducked his head toward her. He took her hands gently in his and fondled them. He brought them together and put a gentle kiss on them. It was so soft, so intimate that she felt her heart heave in her chest, just like she was flying. "Pepper," he started, with that soft gentle voice that she loved. The voice he used only with people he cared about. "There is nothing between me and Steve. There was nothing and there will never be. Steve is just some guy. He needed help, I helped him and now he’s gone. Out of our lives, forever."

She wanted to protest but she was too dumbfounded to find the words. He saw the doubt on her face though, because he knew her too well. The same way she knew him, everything of him.

 "Pepper, you’re my best friend, my partner, my everything. I love you. I was just a coward before. I was just looking for excuses not to do this because I was terrified. Terrified that I would fail, or worse, terrified that it would work and I didn’t deserve it, I didn't deserve  _you_. Because you’re too good for me. Because I don’t deserve to be happy."

She couldn’t believe this. She couldn’t believe those words. It couldn’t be happening. It was too good to be true. "I don’t understand. What- What changed?"

"Nothing changed. I’m just fed up with this. Screw it, screw them. I want it too. I want it all."

She felt stupid and awkward to just react the way she did but it just came out of nowhere and had swept her away like a tornado. "I’m sorry but... Last time I saw you, you were all over Steve. What happened?"

Maybe it wasn't the reaction Tony had expected of her. Maybe it wasn't the most romantic proposal ever but Tony didn't get discouraged. 

"Steve happened." Her heart skipped in her chest. The way Tony said his name, it still hurt. "Pep. Steve’s just some guy. He’s nothing, no one, but he changed me. He made me realize what I want. I want more to life than this. The things you always wanted from me, I want them too. I want this, I want kids, I want a family. With you. Please say yes."

Those words. This. All of this. She had waited eleven years to hear them. She had lost hope, she had given up and there he was, making all her dreams come true. It couldn’t be right, it couldn’t be true, but it felt so good. So good. 

Virginia Potts didn’t believe in fairy tales. She didn’t believe in cheesy love stories, but it felt so good for a moment, to liege her very own fairy tale. She knew it was just a dream but she couldn’t help the warm feeling growing inside her. It was taking control. She felt euphoric. She wanted to laugh and cry and shout. It was too good, too beautiful, too much. 

She pulled her hands from Tony’s and covered her face. She could feel her skin heat. She was trying to breathe, to find the words.

"Yes" she finally whispered. Then louder, "Yes, Tony, yes."

She stood up, to give emphasis to her words. Tony stood up too and took her in arms, held her tight and kissed her hair. 

It felt so right to be there, in his arms. She relished in the moment. It wasn't long but it felt like an eternity. 

Tony buried his nose in her hair, smelling the perfume, she was resting her head in the crook of his neck. They stayed like this, holding each other tighter and tighter, until there was flash.

They were engaged. And it wasn't a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, this is not the end. They will see each other again. Unless you don't want to? Tell me in the comments!
> 
> I'm in a period in my life when I'm not going to be able to write very often. I'll try my best though.


	16. A daddy's boy and a media whore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck! This chapter was a bitch to write! I really needed the push... I've been stuck on it for weeks.
> 
> It is a disaster though, but you'll get the general idea... ;-)

"It's gonna be fine, babe."

Steve was a little bit nervous. He was going to introduce Sam to Natasha and Bruce tonight. It was stupid to stress out and he knew it, it's not like he needed them to approve of him or anything. But it mattered. It was a little bit like presenting the future bride to the folks. Natasha was the only family Steve had left. So it mattered, their opinion.

Sam gave him a sidelong look and a concerned smile. He was stroking his back comfortingly while Steve rocked on his feet, waiting for the door to open, holding Liberty's leash tight against him. She was pretty restless too but for different reasons. She knew the house had a garden and she would be free to run around to her heart's content. She knew as well that the girls would be all over her and would give her treats.

Sam tried to calm Liberty with a pat but she didn't let him, she was still wary of him. And maybe a little bit jealous too. Sam grimaced but he didn't insist. "I'm pretty sure I'll love them." He said, trying to keep his composure and reassure Steve, or maybe reassure himself. He would, probably, but honestly Steve hadn't even thought about it. His main concern was what _they_ would think of _him._ Stevewanted them to hit it off. He wanted it to work.

Sam was great. They had been seeing each other for three months and had been dating for one. They were taking things slow and he liked that. Suddenly having a boyfriend after living on his own for so long was not as simple and as self-evident as he thought it would. Sam was nice and not invasive so it was okay because Steve hadn't thought he would need alone time so much. He was glad he had met Sam. Sam understood. 

He had thought at first that having a boyfriend from the military would help because they would be able to share on their similar experience. He was wrong. Steve had never felt like sharing anything with Sam, even though he was a professional. Steve had never felt like sharing anything with anyone and that's why it was great to have a boyfriend from the military, because both of them knew that and both of them respected this need for boundaries, for isolation, for keeping things to yourself.

Sam was great and this was a first test. And Steve counted on Natasha to tell him if he was making a mistake or not.

The door opened and Natasha welcomed them with a warm and beaming smile. "Hi!" She cooed. She could make people feel very comfortable, when she wanted to. She hugged Steve possessively while analyzing the tall man next to him. The warmth of her helped Steve relax a little bit. There was no reason to worry. Everything was going to be fine. Natasha let go of him and held her hand to Sam. She gave him a warm shake as well and thanked him wholeheartedly for the wine and the flowers. "You didn't have to" He heard her say distantly. "It's nothing. I'm happy to finally meet you." Sam answered with a marshmallow voice. 

He hated that. 

All those niceties people felt obliged to say to each other. It made him feel nauseous. Steve wasn't like that. Living as a civilian had made him realize how much the army had been a shelter for him. There was no need for things like this on the battlefield. No need for socializing, no niceties, just orders that needed to respected. He was given missions and he would get things done, his way, because he had always done things his way. No need for bowing and reverences.

He looked at Liberty and thought about how easy things were with her. He didn't have to pretend. He suddenly wanted to go back to his place and hug her, be alone, unfortunately she had already run inside, looking for the girls. The dog came back quickly, disappointed that the girls weren't there, spending the evening at the Barnes. She started turning around Steve's legs to get him inside.

He and Sam finally entered and Bruce greeted them each with a bro hug. Bruce was kind and funny and made a silly comment on the size difference. Steve and Sam were both about six inches taller than him and much broader but it didn't impress him. He was always as cool as a cucumber. Steve envied him. Bruce seemed so calm and comfortable with himself. He never stopped making jokes about his job and ironize about himself in a cool, nonchalant way.

The introduction went well. Natasha was a master at making people love her at first sight and Bruce was easy to talk to. Sam was smart and funny with good conversation skills. Everything was going smoothly and fine just like Sam had said it would. Steve had known it was stupid to worry but he couldn't relax either way. There was something that bothered him about this evening but he didn't know what. There was absolutely no reason to worry and he knew that, but he couldn't help the feeling. The dark shadow of doubt lurked over him, threatening to crumble his own little world.

Soon, Bruce had entrapped Sam into an enthusiastic discussion about corpses and Steve as usual felt inadequate. On the plus side, they seemed to hit it off pretty quickly. There were already shouts and heated exchanges between the two of them so Steve went to the kitchen to see if Natasha needed help with something, but that was just an excuse to get away. Bruce and Sam were getting along fine but Steve couldn't really ease the discomfort he felt inside. 

"I'm fine, Stevie. Just go back in there. I'll handle it." Natasha said when Steve stepped inside. The name made his heart clench in his chest, Bucky was always the one calling him Stevie. Natasha was focused on her toasts and didn't even raise her head when he got in. Steve wondered if she had eyes on the back of her head or something. Or maybe a sixth sense. "Unless you're not really here to help me." She added. Yeah. Definitely a sixth sense.

Steve walked to her and looked at the tray she was setting up. It looked amazing. "Don't worry!" Natasha said probably sensing how doubtful he was. "Bruce made them." His stomach rumbled as he was walking to the counter top. Natasha finally looked up and turned to him. She smiled. A very scary smile that conveyed very well her firm intention to destroy his hand would he ever try to take something off the tray.  

"What's wrong?" She asked with a gentle, reassuring voice. Steve startled, how could she see through him so easily.

"Nothing, I was just hungry that's all."

"That's all, huh?" She smiled with a doubtful face. "Look at them", she nodded toward the living room where both Sam and Bruce were chatting lively. "The magic is working." She winked which made Steve chuckle.

"So, she said turning serious suddenly, "Sam seems nice."

"He is. He's great." 

Steve realized how much his words lacked conviction when Natasha pushed for more and felt guilty.

"But?"

"There's no but. He's great!"

"Right." She said not convinced at all. "Just not in the bedroom."

This was the thing Steve had the least expected to hear. He felt a blush creeping on his face at the straightforward comment Natasha made about his sex life. This was _not_ true, besides, Steve was not the kind to kiss and tell.

"I'm not telling you about that." He said, slightly offended. Natasha smirked at Steve's shyness. 

"Aaaaand you just confirmed my previous statement." She snarked.

"No!" Steve denied. "I mean, Sex is great. It's just..."

She burst out laughing. "Please stop, you're just digging deeper."

Steve's face was burning red in embarrassment. He pouted, refusing to admit that there was a tinge of truth in what she said. Sex with Sam was great but... maybe there was something missing.

"Sex is not what I'm looking for in a relationship." He finally explains. "I mean, of course I want sex with my partner but... it's just not the most important in our relationship."

"Okay." She said, still very much unconvinced.

"What I'm looking for is a partner who understands me, respects my boundaries and envisions the same things as I do for the future. Someone I can count on and build a life with, as simple as that."

"Sounds great!" She said with a slightly sarcastic tone.

"You don't believe me." Steve lets out with a defeated smile. 

"I do, Steve. I get it." She said sincerely. "I really want the best for you."

"And you think Sam isn't?"

"I didn't say that, _you_ said it. I like Sam fine. He really seems great. Only _you_ can know if he's the one or not." She said while Steve felt ashamed again for his jumping into conclusion and wrong thinking. 

Natasha took the tray and left the kitchen, before she stepped out the door she turned and called out to him. "And by the way, Bruce and I have amazing sex. It's not perfect, it's not always that good, but we click. It works..."

Steve gave some food to Liberty and join the three of them a few minutes later, after he refreshed his face and settled down his feeling. Everything was going fine, and Natasha liked Sam.

Dinner went as smoothly. They laughed a lot, drank a lot, Sam and Bruce discovered a common passion for Rocky and Natasha had prepared a mean charade game which he and Sam won easily. Brain connection, army thing.

It all went smoothly, until dessert. 

"So, are we gonna talk about it or what?" Natasha suddenly asked out of nowhere. Voice a little uneasy and a mischievous glimpse in her eyes. She was glowing and seemed a little tipsy which was an unusual look on her. Natasha used to win all the drinking contests.

"Talk about what?" Sam said, clearly buzzed.

"The wedding of the century!" She said with a cunning smile.

"Oh my god! Yes!" Bruce exclaimed, giggling like a fangirl. "Tony Stark who finally proposed to his CEO, Virginia Potts. That is awesome." 

Steve who had been vaguely listening to the conversation suddenly felt his heart skip at the mention of the name. _Tony._ He had managed to forget about him and he had just slipped right back into Steve's heart, every memories of him were suddenly coming back to him. 

"Are you guys for real?" Sam said, with a disbelieving look on his face.

"Oh come on, you can't tell us you didn't hear about it." 

"The media haven’t stopped talking about it for two months, of course I heard about it, you’d have to be an ascetic not to hear about it. And even so, I’m sure I wouldn’t have escaped the news. But seriously, who fucking care?"

He felt a pang in his chest. He had heard it like every one else and had felt his heart clench. He had known it would end like that, but it had hurt to see it happening for real.

"I do. I mean, I’m happy for them." Bruce said. "It's always nice when people get married."

Until now he hadn't really participated in the conversations. He had listened and observed, from afar, but this particular topic made him restless. He didn't think that Pepper and Tony getting married was a nice thing though. He hated Pepper marrying Tony. He felt a blush creeping on his face again and swallowed.

"Yeah, right." Sam said, tone full of sarcasm which annoyed Steve to the core. "It certainly is nice that he just popped the question a few months before launching his grand 'clean energy program'." He ironized while making air quotes. _What the fuck did he know?_ Steve felt the sparkles of anger suddenly crackling inside.

"That's exactly what I thought when I saw the picture of their engagement dinner." Natasha agreed. _Nat, you traitor!_ "I mean seriously? The paparazzi just conveniently happened to be there for the big moment. Come on!"

"You people are mean." Bruce pouted. "Sad, cynical and mean." Steve felt a surge of affection for Bruce. _Thank you Bruce for defending a great man._

"Ow Brucey, baby. I didn't want to offend your poor soppy heart." Natasha said mockingly with an exaggeratedly mellow voice. "I'm so sorry." 

Sam laughed. He, on the other hand, was much too annoyed to laugh. He tried a smile but it turned out tight.

"You didn't. I'm just a fan."

"Of Tony Stark?" Sam asked with a disdainful voice, disbelieving. _And why not? Tony is amazing_.

"Yeah, of course. He's a genius."

"A genius in getting media attention, that's for sure."

"Maybe. But he's also a genius genius. Started MIT at fifteen. Graduated with honors at nineteen. An Engineer degree. Three PhDs. I mean, he's _The_ Genius."

"Wow. He's your man crush." Natasha joked. Steve stupidly felt proud and then possessively jealous, as if he had any right to. 

"Definitely! If I ever had to fuck a man, I would go for Tony Stark, with no hesitation. Not that he's hot or anything, I mean, maybe he's hot I wouldn't know. I don't look at men. No offense guys--"

"Non taken." Sam quickly answered. Steve was way above that, right now.

"--I would _love_ to meet him though," Bruce continued. "having a chat, I'd have so many things that I'd like to talk about with him."  _Keep your Hands off Bruce though..._

"This goes deeper than I thought." Natasha commented with the same mocking smile. "We may have a problem here." 

"I agree." Bruce continued teasing her with the same joke. "If you keep criticizing Tony Stark. We definitely do." 

They all laughed. Not Steve. He was still twitchy and nervous and a mess of roiling emotion inside. "Seriously though, I didn't know he had three PhDs." She finally said.

"That's so awesome." Sam commented, with a tone that did not convey the meaning of his word at all. "So he got three PhDs... to do _what_ exactly? What extraordinary thing did he do with his three PhDs? I'm curious... I mean, apart from making weapons that kill our soldiers." He continued on a not so funny note. How did the conversation turn so serious suddenly? Sam had just stepped on a land mine. Steve felt the anger growing and intensifying until his hands slightly trembled.

"This was like eight years ago." Bruce answered. "He's done so many things since then, and it's too easy to hold him responsible for what happened."

"He was the CIO, Bruce. He couldn't be that blind." Sam insisted. And Natasha agreed. 

"That's kind of true." She said, looking apologetically at Bruce. "He'd have to be fucking naive not to see what people were doing in his company. The anger was boiling inside Steve and made all his hackles raise. He was this close to stand up and punch one of them in the face.

"He's just like every other ones of those rich assholes. They're all the same. They speculate on our death. What does it mean that a whole unit was decimated by one of his bombs. Nothing. Our lives are just extra points in the Stockmarket for them." _What do you know? What do you know about him, about what he's been through?_

"That stuff they made at Stark Ind. was pretty good shit though" Natasha interrupted. A glimpse of sorrow in her eyes. "My husband used to love his tech. He'd tell me it was the most reliable."

"Of course, he's the best." Bruce said proudly, while putting a gentle comforting hand on Natasha's knee. A silent way to tell her how much he was sorry and he understood. Steve was moved by the gesture, it was beautiful he thought, that's what Steve wanted in a relationship.

"He's the best asshole among them all you mean, trying to make us believe he's suddenly interested in the rest of us. At forty he suddenly grows a conscience. Come on... This man is a joke, a daddy's boy and media whore." _Can't you shut the fuck up, Sam?_

Steve gurgled, trying to swallow the growing hate and disgust he felt about his boyfriend right now. 

"I can't let you say that. He was hurt too," Bruce continued, slightly offended, as if it was his personal mission to defend him. Thank God Bruce was there or he'd have lost it already. "Don't forget that he was kidnapped."

"Yeah, apparently he was. That also was a fucking stroke of PR genius. He's still alive though. Alive and happy and getting married. Unlike ten boys who had been deployed with him. I know a guy who was there. He came back without legs. Crushed in the explosion. That Stark made shit was fucking efficient. He doesn't even have enough pension to pay for his kids' college fees. The guy has been making money on our blood for years. He could buy himself a fucking country in Africa with all his money. So excuse me if I'm not crying over the sad fate of poor little baby Stark.

"Yeah, I guess so." Natasha said.

And that was just the last fucking straw. Steve felt the rage spice up his nose and his whole body getting hot. He leaped up from his seat and yelled. "What the fuck do you know? You don't know fucking shit about his life. So don't act like you do and don't assume the worst of people you've never even met!"

They all stopped and stared with wide-open eyes. 

"What's wrong with you, babe?" Sam said, reaching a hand to him.

Steve pushed the hand violently away. "I'm not your babe. Fuck off! Don't touch me!" and left the room keeping himself from throwing a punch at all the furniture around him.

He went outside and breathed the fresh air, trying to settle his thoughts. He threw a ball at Liberty to without thinking. It soothed the turmoil inside. He had never been so upset with someone ever since he got back to life. He knew now why he was so nervous tonight. _He was not over Tony._ It was truly pathetic to be so hung up on a guy he had just kissed once but it was the sad truth. He kept throwing the ball until he had completely calmed down.

After a while he heard steps behind him, light steps. And the charming voice of Natasha called him. "Needed some fresh air?" She said, shivering with the cold.

"Yeah."

They both remained there, saying nothing for a while before she attempted reconciliation.

"Sam is worried." She said. 

"I'll apologize."

"He's a really nice guy. I like him."

"He is."

"Yeah..." She said, not really convinced but didn't push. Instead she kept silent for a while. And finally she slipped it out. "So, Stark huh?"

Steve startled. "What?" 

"Steve..." Natasha said as if talking to a dishonest child. "The tantrum you threw in there? It's cute that you think I don't know what that's about."

He felt his heart race in his chest. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"A place with a _butler,_ Steve." She continued as if he hadn't said anything. "You know I never said anything when you turned up on my doorstep, I thought you'd tell me when you're ready, but we'd never talked about it. Don't think I'm stupid. And I'm a cop. It'll take me ten minutes exactly to find out who is the guy behind the number you gave me."

Steve didn't say anything. What could he say?

"Whatever happened, you need to get over it and move on, or do something about it. You can't just stay like this." She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and turned a smile to him. "I'm gonna get back inside, it's cold out there. You comin?

 

They said goodbye and thank you to their hosts and left the house like nothing had happened. 

"Are you okay?" Sam asked, tone full of concern.

"Yeah."

"You scared me in there. What's up with you?" Sam insisted. This time Steve could hear a tinge of reproach in addition to the concern.

"Nothing, I just don't like badmouthing people, especially when you don't know them."

"Is that it?" Sam questioned, unconvinced. "Cause it seemed a little deeper than that."

"Yeah, that's it." Steve spat. Having an argument with Sam right now was the last thing he wanted to do.

"You badmouth people all the time, Steve. People you don't know.  Don't you think it's the pot calling the kettle's back? You're the first one to jump on the wrong conclusion when you meet someone." 

"I overreacted, I'm sorry." He sighed resignedly.

"Really? I think overreacting is an understatement, here. Maybe you should--"

"I'm not one of your group thing guy okay!" He shouted, annoyed.

"So I'm not even allowed to tell you when something's wrong?" Sam protested, clearly annoyed too, but he still kept his self control, unlike Steve. Steve didn't answer and accelerated his steps, pulling at Liberty's leash. "Where are you going? Shouldn't we go this way for the cab?"

"Take one if you want, I'll walk."

"To my place?" Sam asked with a disbelieving tone.

"I'm not going to your place, tonight."

"That's not what we planned."

"Plans can change!"

"Really, Steve? You're gonna sulk because I haven't been nice to the Stark guy? Come on!"

Steve turned to him and glared. 

"Fine! Sulk!" Sam shouted at him, but he was already far. "Call me when you get your mind straight. But don't expect _me_ to call you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to rush a bit on the uploading, that is if I find the motivation. I really wanna finish this!


	17. Wanted by the CIA

"Tony!" The soft voice he loved so much called behind him, with a hint of reproach in the tone. "Focus!" She ordered. "We need to make a choice today!"

If he’d known how much of a bother it was to get married, he’d have passed. Honestly, when he proposed to Pepper, he thought he would pop the question and then, miraculously, six months later they would have the most kick-ass wedding of all times. He had no idea though that he would have to participate in every step of the organization. Organizing what not really his thing. Usually he would come up with a brilliant idea and Pepper would take charge from it and handle the logistic. But it was their wedding and she had insisted that he give his opinion.

So they were going to choose the wedding cake for fourth time, and they had to make a decision today because they were getting married in a week.

Fuck. his. life.

Tony had tried to avoid being here by all means but she would not listen to any of his excuses so he’d discreetly taken his tablet and was checking the last blueprints of the new prototype for his miniaturized arc reactor. Unfortunately she’d seen through him immediately and had confiscated the toy. "Is this what it’s gonna be like from now on?"  He had protested. "Tony, it’s our _wedding._ It’s once in lifetime. I think you could make the effort to dedicate some of your time to me for once." And she had managed to make him feel guilty.

So he went back to tasting the twenty different flavors and textures in front of him without much conviction. It all tasted the same to him. There was something missing perhaps. It lacked emotion? Tony didn’t know when he started to feel like food needed to emotional but it had happened.

After a few minutes, his phone rang. He ignored Pepper’s frown and grimace to check up the ID. It was Jarvis, and it was urgent. Even if it wasn’t he would have used this as an excuse to leave sooner.

"This is urgent!" He said as a justification for standing up in a hurry and leaving the tasting.

Pepper’s smile dropped and she rolled her eyes in resignation.

"Thank God, J. You're a life saver. Did I program you to give me urgent calls when I need out? I'm a fucking genius!"

"You didn't, sir. There _is_ an emergency."

"What’s up?" Tony asked, feeling tightened by worry.

"The police has been trying to call you for half an hour. It’s about a dog, Sir."

"A dog? Why would they call me about a dog?"

"It’s a long-haired German Shepherd, Sir."

And it took exactly two nano seconds for Tony to make the connections. There was only one dog he knew of that race.  _Liberty…_  And Steve had left with the collar he had made for Liberty and hadn't given it back. There was his number and address on that collar.

He suddenly felt panic rising inside. What if something had happened to Steve? Something _must_ have happened to Steve, or maybe she had escaped?

"Put them through."

 

Someone had found the dog, terrified and shaking, hidden under a bush in the park. They had called the police and they had pulled her out of her hideout and that's when they noticed she had contact information on her collar.

He had completely forgotten about that collar. When Steve had left, he had left everything, _everything_ that Tony had given him, except the book, he hadn't been rude about that at least.  Steve hadn't just left. He had rejected Tony, refused him as a lover, as a friend, even as a benefactor. He had stabbed his heart with a sharp tiny arrow that kept sinking inside, leaving a desperate trail behind, making the wound fresh and open. Tony had denied it all at first, feeling terribly stupid to ever fall for a stranger in the lapse of three days, a stranger who would break his heart. He was much too old and too experienced for that, especially when he was already in love with a terrific woman, but it had happened.

What he shared with Pepper was not blinded lust, it was not a stupid crush that would fade once he got what he wanted from him. It was a friendship, a mutual respect and admiration, a love that was built over the years and a desire that grew stronger and stronger every minute they spent together. What he shared with Pepper was true, honest and sustainable. It had future, it bore the promise of an amazing life, a family, a safe place where he would finally belong. Pepper was everything to him and even more! ... but he couldn't forget Steve. Those three days they spent together had marked his body and soul for the rest of his life, like an indelible tattoo engraved in his heart forever.

Tony hadn't noticed at first about the missing collar, but then he had found the watch and looked for it everywhere before Jarvis told him that Steve had forgotten to take it off the dog before leaving. He had hoped then, hoped it would give him a chance to see Steve again, get an explanation for why he suddenly left, just when they had promised so much to each other. Rejection had always been really painful to Tony but Steve's inexplicable rejection had opened old forgotten wounds, infected them and hurt in a way so few people could.

Hope hadn't lasted long. Three weeks later, Steve had left something for him at the reception. He had come purposely when Tony wasn't available so he was sure he wouldn't see him.

Steve had given him back all the money he had borrowed from him, to the last penny, even their first dinner together. There was no collar, no explanation, no contact information, not even something about the very expensive gift he had offered him, nothing but a note: _Thank you for everything,_ scribbled at the back of the portrait he had made of him that night. He hadn't even kept it, as if having Tony in his new life was somewhat offensive.

Tony had wanted to throw it right away at first, and then he realized it was the only trace of Steve's visit in his life. Without it, it would be like Tony had dreamt everything, every single moment they shared, made up in his mind like a dirty old man's inappropriate fantasy. So he kept it, framed it and hung it in his workshop. Someplace not too obvious so he wouldn't have it under his nose all the time. He was happy about the collar though, he figured Steve had kept him because it was made for Liberty and not for him, or maybe he had kept it for the same reason Tony had kept the portrait, so he would have something in his life to remind him of Tony, but Tony would never dare hoping something like that.

 

The police had left the dog at the veterinary clinic. She seemed traumatized and needed looking at by a professional. Tony's brain was exploding with all the worst kind of scenarios he was making up in his mind about what could have happened. He'd asked if anyone had heard of any tall blond guy who was supposed to be with her but no-one had. 

Tony then had had Jarvis call all the city's hospitals, looking for someone resembling Steve but no-one who had been admitted that day was matching Steve's description. That was a relief at least, but Tony was still dead worried about Liberty. 

And if nothing had happened to Steve then he must be worried sick too.

"Call Steve, he needs to know that Liberty was found." Tony ordered Jarvis. _Except, he didn't have his number._

Tony had fancied procuring Steve's new contact information, illegally, or use the watch to find his location with the connection to the collar's GPS tracker, find him and ask for explanations but he refrained from it. If Steve had wanted Tony to know where he lived and give him his number he would have done it. That meant he didn't wanna have anything to do with him anymore so Tony had let it go. He figured it would be overstepping some boundaries and he didn't wanna be that guy. 

"Find it!"

Tony jumped into his car and rushed to the address he was given by the police. At the clinic Liberty sensed him immediately and ran to him, making a fuss about him. He recognized her instantly. She whimpered, jumping everywhere around him. She threw her paws on his jacket, trying to hug him and lick his face. Tony dropped on his knees and wrapped his arms around the fluff of her. He plunged his nose in the familiar smell. God, he'd missed her. How come he's never realized how much he had missed her! He felt his eyes prickle with the beginning of a tear but he ignored it. He wasn't gonna cry for fuck sake! He wasn't! Oh fuck... He was.

"Good girl! Good girl! Daddy Tony's here. It's okay now." He said hugging her tightly. 

Liberty obviously remembered him too. She was licking his neck and her whimpering had finally calmed down. She was still very excited though, she kept wagging her tail like crazy and jumping every time Tony would give her a pat. People at the clinic had never seen something like this. They told him she had risen up as soon as she heard his voice and escaped their grasp to run to him. Tony felt his heart skip in his chest and a weird feeling of warmth settled in his body.

Getting Liberty back wasn't easy. He had no proof of her being his property. She wasn't anyone's property. She wasn't registered. She didn't have any ID microchip. And Tony wasn't able to say how she could ever have escaped. Nor could he tell them who she was with or what she was supposedly doing. Furthermore, she was considered a dangerous dog and was unleashed. Tony wouldn't leave this place without her, though, no matter what. And Tony always had very convincing arguments, the clinic staff was absolutely delighted to accept his generous donation.

After giving his statement to the police, he finally left with Liberty in his car. She seemed a lot better than she was when he first saw her at the clinic. She had just minor physical injuries that didn't need to be tended. People at the clinic had given him a list of instruction to take care of a dog like her however.

"J, did you get in touch with Steve?"

"No, Sir."

"What are you waiting for?"

"I can't find his number."

"What do you mean you can't find his number?"

"He's not registered, anywhere."

"H-- How..? I mean, how can you not be? Unless you don't have a phone. And everybody has a phone.

"He must have had a prepaid phone or something."

"Did you try his address? An e-mail address?"

"There's no lease on his name."

"Did you try the Bronx? or Queens?"

"In the whole state of New York, sir, and New Jersey and Connecticut. There are quite a few Steve Rogers in NYC but none of them match his age and job description."

"There must be something. Did you try to find his profile on gay apps?"

"I did. Apparently Captain Rogers hasn't been using any apps of any kind, Sir."

_Where the fuck are you, Steve? You're a fucking ghost._

"Did you try the army?"

"I'm trying. It takes some time."

Tony went back to the Tower, ordered some food, for Liberty, he wasn't hungry. He was too restless to eat. He shouldn't be here, he should be on his way to Steve's. He must be worried sick. Liberty, on the other hand, seemed completely relaxed. She felt immediately comfortable in the Penthouse. She quickly got back to her old habits when she used to live here. Tony smiled but then he forcefully dropped the smile. He wasn't gonna get too excited about it. It didn't mean anything. Liberty hadn't actually  _lived_ here. She had just spent three days. Three fucking days. It was hardly memorable.

He was playing with her for a bit when Jarvis told him he had finally hacked the Pentagon, and had found nothing.

"Their data are obsolete. There's only one e-mail address that apparently hasn't been used ever since he resigned."

"Shit... What do we do?" Tony didn't leave Jarvis the time to emit some suggestion. "Did you try the VA? They must have his number!"

"I'm on it."

It didn't take long to JARVIS to get his way into their system. Soon he provided Tony with new information. It wasn't his phone number but it was something already and Tony could finally relax a little bit. He listened while Liberty was taking a nap, head resting on his knees. She was a great help as far as relaxing was concerned.

"The only contact number in his file is Mrs Romanov-Barnes' number. A very charming lady I had the opportunity to talk to already. I've already tried to call but there's no answer. I've looked for her cellphone number and tried it as well but the line is busy."

"Did you get access to his file? There should be his address in there."

"Indeed Sir, but the lease was temporary, for a duration of three months only, renewable."

"Let's go from there... He must live somewhere, he can't have just disappeared from the face of the world like that. I know he's in New York. Did you try his work place?"

"I'm trying, sir. The VA provided him with three job interviews but I don't know which one of the companies is his employer right now. I'm currently getting into their servers."

"Good. I'm gonna go to the place, send the address to my car."

"Very well, Sir."

Tony changed into more casual clothes and took Liberty down to his private car park. She followed him excitedly. Especially after he told her they were going to meet Steve.

Tony sat down and she hopped into the car next to him. It was the same car Tony had brought Steve home with on that first night. It suddenly brought back so many memories. How dirty and smelly he was that day. And the way he looked so ashamed of himself. And those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes Tony had fell in love with that very first day they met on a sunny afternoon in Manhattan. Steve had slowly peeled his rags off that night and Tony had discovered a man, a mysterious man, so honest, modest and beautiful inside and out, and so broken. The way he had laughed so honestly, all heartedly. The way his eyes twinkled with a tinge of mischievousness inside. His dry sense of humor, his smile so beautifully imperfect. The way he had seduced him, so shyly, so subtly, he was so adorably entrancing.

Steve had come to his Penthouse an ugly chrysalid and left a magnificent butterfly. Tony had proof of it. He had seen how Steve had evolved in his new life. He had seen him three months after he left. He was so fucking gorgeous. He was waiting in front of a coffee shop not far from the Tower. Tony had recognized him instantly, even though he wasn't looking his way. He was wearing close-fitting jeans and a tight shirt covered by a sexy slim fit jacket. The opposite of the old-fashioned uptight look Tony had known him with. His bright smile, fresh and open, was just the best invitation ever.

He was glorious.

Shy army-guy closeted Steve was charming and adorably cute but openly-gay Steve was absolutely gorgeous, self-confident and sexy. Tony had turned to walk to him but changed his mind when a tall handsome black guy turned up and made Steve's smile brighten. Tony didn't need to be told things. _He knew._  The way they looked at each other side-long, the bright dazzling full of innuendo smile Steve gave him and the way their fingers discreetly brushed. Tony had turned around, swallowed the growing lump in his throat and quieted his racing heart down. Steve would never be his. He did not deserve someone like Steve. It was just a dream, a fantasy, a delusion.

Only remained the memories of these three hopeful days.

"I have a number, Sir."

"Call him!" 

Of course it went straight to voice mail.

"It doesn't matter," Tony said resignedly. "we're almost there." 

He opened the door and Liberty jumped out excitedly and started to run towards the apartment building, going forward and running back to Tony to make sure he was following her. So Steve did live here, probably. He didn't even have to check the address, Liberty led him exactly to the right apartment and started scratching at the door, whimpering and barking. Tony rang the bell but of course there was no answer so he picked the lock and opened the door. The place was small and poorly decorated. It seemed like nothing had changed since the construct of the building. Everything was old and worn out. _And empty_. Tony noticed a few boxes full of stuff. Liberty was running around, wagging her tail and calling for her owner. When she couldn't find anyone she ran back to Tony and looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Okay, baby girl. we'll go find your daddy." Tony told her with a pat of her head. "Jarvis," he called on his phone. "Track the last calls Steve made and find me a location."

It was already getting dark out there. Tony had tried to get in touch with Steve for hours already. He was starting to feel anxious. He really hoped nothing had happened to him. Jarvis soon provided the information he needed and they both set up to walk toward it. Tony hoped  that from there, Liberty would be able to track Steve's scent. German Shepherds are known to have one of the most acute sense of smell. 

They had been roaming around the empty streets of Brooklyn for about fifteen minutes when Liberty suddenly rushed forward. Tony let her go and followed her trail with the GPS on the watch. He wasn't wrong.

At the corner of a back alley, Tony saw the huge form of a man crouching down and hug a very happy dog. He could hear her excited  yapping and keening. She was wagging her tail while a blond man was wrapping his arms around her in an obvious relief.

Tony walked toward them slowly, shutting down all the good and bad things he had felt for Steve and focusing on the adorable scene before him. 

 _Steve._ Kind and handsome Steve. He was there, all beautiful and shy, looking tired and rumpled after a whole day of worrying. He could see his features tightened and distraught by worry slowly relax and he felt a pang in his chest.

"You've been wanted by the CIA or what?"

The blond lifted his hair and his glorious blue eyes met Tony's. His expression changed into something Tony couldn't qualify. God how did he do without Steve until now?

"Tony?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, about next chapter... Smut? or no smut? I mean, I wanted to keep this mature rated but I wondering...


	18. Yours, T.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I got a little distracted.
> 
> I had this chapter and the two final chapters planned long ago, I've been playing them in my head over and over but ten chapters later, it took so long to get there that I only remember vaguely what the scenes were supposed to be like, nor do I remember why I ever thought they were great ideas in the first place. It sounds so false and stupid now...
> 
> Hence this lame chapter. I've been on this one for weeks and I haven't been able to convey what I wanted at all. It's hollow, it's dull and forced and I hate it.
> 
> I've been a little stressed over posting this chapter. I know I'm gonna lose some subscriptions over this but that's the way it is. I know some of you can be a little irked by cheating. I'm sorry for that but I like my characters to be imperfect. I like them to be good-natured but sometimes not be able to live by their principles. I like them to be flawed, to have weaknesses, to be jerks sometimes, to not always be in control. To be human, in other words. 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNINGS: EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT.

"I'm gonna get some coffee, do you want some?" Sam had asked with a loving smile.

"Yeah, sure, yeah. Why not?"

It was a beautiful morning, warm, for a late October day. Steve looked at his boyfriend, all sweaty from the work-out, and thought he was lucky to have met such a nice, caring man. Sam let go of his hand and headed to the coffee shop round the corner, he didn't need to ask Steve what he wanted, after almost six months together he knew exactly how Steve liked his coffee. 

It was just a typical late morning. They just had their daily run together with Liberty. In Central Park, nor far from Sam's place, since Steve had more or less moved in already. They usually went earlier, but this morning they stayed in bed a little bit longer and Steve could still feel his lover's hands on him, his plush lips against his, his warm tongue inside of him. It was just a typical day-off and they had just finished their usual workout routine. The same routine they had everyday. And like everyday, Liberty was running around in the park, not far from Steve. Never far. 

Steve watched his man's back walking away from him. It was nice, to have someone to work out with. Sam was more than a boyfriend to him, he was also a good friend and that was something Steve cherished in their relationship.

While waiting for his boyfriend to return, he walked to the drinking fountain and bent over to freshen his face and drink some water. He was still hot from his efforts. Liberty, as usual, was trotting around, exploring behind trees and bushes. Steve avoided tying her to the leash as much as he could. She didn't like the leash and he liked her being happy. That way way she could sniff out and burrow at every corner of the park.

It was actually a recurrent argument with Sam. Sam thought it was dangerous, but Sam didn't really like dogs, he only put up with Liberty for Steve's sake and Steve supposed he should really be thankful for that, but he'd rather take care of his dog himself.

He wasn't worried, Liberty had never left his side. She always kept sight of him so she could get back to him anytime. He trusted her, the same way she trusted him. She had been his companion for a year now and he knew she wouldn't escape, or hurt anyone.

The thing is, Steve sometimes forgot that they weren't the only one in this park, in this city, on this planet. 

This morning was just a typical day-off morning. Everything was the same as it always was. Except it wasn't.

Sam took much too long with the coffees. Liberty was out of his sight, further than usual, too far. And something was wrong. Something _felt_ wrong. What was it that felt wrong? Steve only recognized it too late. The noise. 

When he heard the motorbike, the same particular noise he knew so well and still gave him shivers, it was already too late. He only caught a glimpse of it, it was the same bike, a black Kawasaki. The bad feeling suddenly invaded him, making his heart racing like crazy.

_Liberty..._

Steve jumped up on his feet, trying to focus on his breath to avoid the panic spreading inside. When he heard a dog's howling and a squealing --or maybe it was the other way around-- he recognized her instantly. The rest was a little blurry. His body went from zero to sixty in half a second while his brain was still hazy from the panic. For a few moments, he had the strange feeling that he was separated from his body. His legs were running on their own, settled on rescuing Liberty and his mind was still sitting there, next to the drinking fountain, trying to grasp what had just happened.

It took him a while to completely get back to himself. He was already standing where the noise had come from, the bike was there, but no Liberty. He stood there for a few seconds, completely powerless, before he was able to ask the biker. Liberty had jumped out of nowhere and he had to make an emergency brake to avoid her but he hadn't hit her.

He should be relieved but he wasn't. Liberty was running loose, completely frightened and nobody had seen where she had gone to.

He was trying to set up a plan when his pocket vibrated. Sam, good-intentioned Sam, was back at the drinking fountain with warm coffees and all the care in the world, wondering where Steve had gone to. He babbled a few incomprehensible words on the phone as the bad feeling was leaving a settling weight in his chest. Sam understood anyway, he always did, and soon he was there, by Steve's side, handing him a warm cup of coffee. 

He was tactful enough not to say "I told you so" and just silently reached a comforting hand on his shoulder that Steve brushed away immediately. He was in no mood for touching. It wouldn't calm down the growing guilt that was overwhelming him right now. Nothing would. Sam understood and just whispered a "Steve, just breathe. Listen to me."

Steve's heart was beating so fast, he was starting to feel dizzy.  Guilt and panic and helplessness were roiling inside, mixing together in his stomach.

"Listen to me. We're gonna find her." echoed far away. 

Sam had put their coffees on a low wall and grabbed his wrist, stroking the inside of his hand with his thumb. "Look at me." He said with an assertive but gentle tone. "We're gonna look for her, and we're gonna find her."

Sam remained calm and composed and the way he talked smoothly to Steve was helping. He managed to quiet the beating of this heart and felt a renewed energy, hope seemed not that far away. Sam was right, Liberty wasn't hit, she was just running loose, because she was scared, but she would never leave her owner, they would find her. They would.

They ranged across Central Park all afternoon, calling every animal shelter, every police station, every veterinary. They got much information, too much. Steve had no idea about the number of abandoned dogs they had to deal with and that knowledge alone broke his heart but he needed focus, he was calling for Liberty and none of it led to her.

At the end of the day, and still out of news from Liberty, Steve started to stress out again.

Natasha had helped, asking her colleagues and doing some research as well. Bruce had promised to help too when he was done with work, Sam had been looking for Liberty beside him all afternoon. Steve had friends and a lover that supported him and it should mean the world. It didn't. He started losing his nerves, searching in vain for his companion. After hours of trying every fucking damn lead they had, he started to lose hope.

Guilt, helplessness was rising up inside and panic crushed him down again. He felt a lump growing in his throat. Breathing suddenly felt impossible with the heavy weight constricting his lungs in his chest.

"I can't find her anywhere, Sam, what am I gonna do?" He choked out. Words got stuck in and sounded more desperate than he ever intended them to be. 

It was scary how useless he felt right now. Unable to deal with it. Unable to handle his feelings. Unable to cope when he had spend his whole life dealing with shit like this. That was his strength, dealing with urgent situation like this; that was what made him good at his job. 

He had always been able to keep his mind straight and handle any kind of situation, no matter how dangerous or sensitive or intricate it was. Even when innocent people's lives were at stake, he had always been able to keep a cool head and find the solution to keep his men safe. Now, he was a mess, a huge, pale and shaking mess. For the first time he felt overwhelmed, like he was drowning.

He realized that he had never been that involved emotionally before, and maybe that was the saddest truth of all. 

Sam reached out to him tentatively with a sympathetic and reassuring smile. He squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. "We'll find her, babe. I promise."

Sam's voice was calm and soft, full of hope and promises and it made Steve want to throw up. He couldn't deal with that now. He pushed Sam's hand away. He didn't want sympathy, he didn't need reassurance. He needed action, efficiency and competence. He needed finding Liberty. Sam's calm and composed stance didn't help him calm down. On the contrary, it _enraged_ him. His boyfriend acted as if everything was fine. Everything was _not_ fine.

" _You don't know shit!_ " He barked, out of nowhere. Sam startled and jerked his hand away. "Stop telling me we'll find her." Steve shouted at him. "We didn't find her! We _don't_ find her _."_

Steve could feel his heart racing, his breathing was hard and erratic again. His vision got blurry.  He knew what it was. And now was not a good time, at all.

"Maybe something happened to her" He choked out, trying to brace himself, but the more he said the stronger the panic was. "Maybe she had an accident, maybe she's scared and she needs me and I'm not here." He desperately whined.

He felt so powerless, struck down by fear, and it enraged him. He puked all his venom at Sam who stared at him, confusedly. Steve felt his body boiling inside and was trying to keep his hands from shaking. Without realizing he started walking menacingly toward Sam, making him step back. "She's everything to me and I let her down." He growled through gritted teeth, before the rage blurred his vision. "So don't fucking tell me it's alright because it's not. _It's fucking not!_ You don't know shit and it's all your fault!" He shouted while pushing Sam backward with strong, brutal hands. "You and your fucking coffee!!!"

Sam blinked a few times, clearly unable to comprehend Steve's reaction, and stepped back. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to say something, before he resignedly frowned and turned awkwardly from left to right, wiping his hands on his hips. Steve had been irrationally angry at him before, but he had never been violent.

"Okay," He finally whispered through gritted teeth. Steve was expecting him to shout back, get angry, scold him for being unfair and stupid and careless, lash out at him, _anything._

Sam remained unbreakably composed however. "I think I'm gonna go." He simply said with a calm, steady voice.

his boyfriend always kept his cool whenever they were fighting, something Steve had always appreciated because he was finding it really hard to master his temper. Especially after he got back from service. He was bursting into rage, lashing out for nothing. He knew he did, but Sam always kept his cool and ignored him until he quieted down on his own.

Today though, Steve couldn't stand Sam's lack of reaction, he wanted him to snap back, he _needed_ him to. He needed his boyfriend to yell at him, get some sense into him, help him focus but Sam turned around and walked away.

"You're leaving me?" Steve whispered, almost as a plea, still dumbfounded, and then the rage came back tenfold. "We're nowhere near finding her and you _leave?"_ He shouted. " _You don't even care_!"

Sam stopped in his walk and turned to him. He was still calm and composed even though Steve could see the anger in his dark eyes. "I don't think staying here getting shout at is gonna help us find her." He said with a monotonous voice. "I'm sorry to tell you this Steve, but this is not okay." He paused, searching a reaction on Steve's face before he continued. "So, I get it that you're upset and worried and everything, but _this?_  This is _not_ okay. You wanna blame me for this? Fine! If it makes you feel better, _blame me_... but I've got a clear conscience. I did _nothing_ wrong. I spent my whole day with you and we did everything we could. I don't deserve this. I'm sorry to say that now, because you're obviously not in your right mind but it's too much. I can't take it anymore. You can't just lash out at me every time that something goes wrong in your life. This is not how this is supposed to be. This isn't I picture my life with my partner. And it's not the first time you're doing it, nor even the second."

Sam's surprisingly calm voice quieted down Steve's anger a little. Steve's eyes flicked to lover as he opened his mouth to apologize but Sam didn't let him. "So, I'm gonna go my way. Print some pictures or something, try to actually _do_ something useful. You can keep freaking out here, do anything you want, but _don't call me_ until you've cooled down."

Sam's tone was cold and contained but it didn't mean he wasn't angry nevertheless. He turned on his heels and left without a word, leaving Steve in a high state of distress with all his worries and guilt threatening to strangle him.

Steve remained planted where he was and said nothing as he watched the back of his lover angrily striding away from him. What could he say to that? It was all true. He  _did_ unjustifiably lash out at Sam because it was so much easier to blame him rather than admitting that he was at fault. Even though he knew Liberty hated to be tied, it was a risk he should have anticipated and he hadn't and he couldn't blame anyone else but himself for this, but he yelled at his boyfriend instead. Like he had done so, so many times during those six months together.

He wanted to be angry at Sam, for leaving him alone to face this. Sam was his boyfriend, he should be here to support him, but at the same time, he thought he got everything he deserved. He hadn't been a good boyfriend. Steve _wasn't_ a good boyfriend. Let's face it. Steve was no good at relationship. Never was, never would. He always failed everyone around him. Why did he ever think he could do this?

Sam had always been so kind and supportive. Sam made so many efforts to accept Steve with his faults. Sam _actually_ tried to build something true and meaningful with him, with _them._  Steve though, had remained silent and cold. He would shut down every time they were talking about important things. It was true that he found it hard to manage his temper. It was true that he was angry all the time. It was all _so true_.  What did that mean about them? What did it mean about  _him?_

Unexpectedly, Sam's fugue helped him get his mind straight and focus on the essential. He finally managed to master his inner panic and tried to _think._ He hadn't tried everything yet. He tried to think rationally. Steve knew that Liberty had never been very enthusiastic about Sam. What if she'd gotten back home, to his place, the only place she felt safe in. Steve set up to walk there, trying to imagine which way she could have gone to.

Walking helped. A little bit. He was still bothered about his argument with Sam but he was able to push it aside for later and focused on Liberty. She was priority now. She had always been, and maybe that's what Sam couldn't understand. He wondered if that could become a thing later. He concentrated on his breathing, inhaling long deep breath of air in an attempt to slow down his heartbeat to a normal pace. Slowly his fired up emotions eased down and his thoughts became clearer. He was already thinking about the next step, when he would have walked down all the way home to Brooklyn and Liberty wouldn't be there. He should call Nat, see if she had any news, he hadn't heard from her in a while.

His phone's battery was dead, of course. Why the fuck not? Although, for him it meant hope. It meant that perhaps one of his friend had found Liberty and just hadn't been able to tell him. With a regained energy, he hurried his steps. He needed to get home fast, charge his phone, and give some phone calls. He wasn't even that far anyway. What he just needed was a miracle. A little miracle. A sliver of good in his life. Fuck, he still believed in God despite everything. Why couldn't he answer his prayers for once? What was the purpose in hurting an innocent animal anyway? 

The miracle happened.

He had been walking for about an hour when he heard the first bark. It was just a distant, deep noise away but Steve's hearing had always been good. The bark sounded so familiar. His heart started racing. The first thing he thought was  _It's her._  He was almost sure. And then he doubted. Were his ears playing with his heart? Was he imagining it?  Could it really be her? He still started running like a mad man toward the barking noise round the corner. He would stupidly hold on to the slightest hope. She meant everything to him. 

The barks were louder and he could hear the dog running at full speed. He hadn't been going crazy. His mind hadn't played him. It _was_ her.

There is no word to describe the turmoil of emotion Steve was in for a few moments. His heart stopped before racing like crazy again. He felt dizzy with the relief. He let Liberty run to him and crouched down to take her in his arms when she leaped to him. She started licking his face excitedly and Steve wrapped his arms around her fluffy body. He took a moment to check if everything was alright but she looked fine. He finally tightened his arms around her and held her in a long hug, hiding his face in her fur. He could finally breathe again. His chest heaved up and down in slow motion as he was trying to calm the frenetic beating of his heart. He was still shaking with the fear and the  _relief,_ as all the horrible scenari he had made up in his mind were slowly disappearing from his head, reminding him how close he had been from something terrible to happen and how he could have lost her so easily. 

Steve was in such a distressful state that he didn't noticed the steps getting closer to them and startled at the voice. 

"You've been wanted by the CIA or what?"

He felt his heart race again and the beginning of a blush creeping over his face. Steve would have recognized that voice anywhere, even as a whisper in the middle of the mob. That voice sounded so familiar, as if he had heard it his whole life, yet he had only listened to it during three little days, and that was a century-like long ago. Or maybe he was lying to himself and maybe he had heard that voice many times since then. So many times, in his darkest fantasies. So many times that he knew all the variations of it.

It didn't even matter what the voice said. Besides, Steve's heart was beating much too fast for him to decipher the enigmatic question.

His knees trembled as he felt the shadow of the man overcast him. He didn't want to see him. Not now. Now was not a good time for seeing him. Steve's emotions had been in a turmoil all day. He had stressed out and worried. Now was not a time to see the man whom Steve's thoughts about him were still unclear. Now was the worst of time to meet him, when Steve's feelings were raw and his heart weak. 

He raised his head slowly, avoiding the man's gaze as long as he could, until his eyes locked into the glittering brown of his. His heart skipped in his chest as he stopped breathing.

"Tony?"

Steve had seen the smirk in his head before he saw it for real. It felt like they had met only yesterday. It felt so homey and familiar to be with him again, and at the same time, like they hadn't seen each other for centuries. He hadn't realized how much he had missed this until he was face to face with the man. This man he had run away from, in fear of what could have been. This man that had left, without knowing, a deep unhealed scar in Steve's heart. 

Tony was standing in front of him, so powerful and suave above him. He was so handsome, Steve thought. He wasn't though, not really. He had aged and looked tired. And when you came down to it, he was fairly average. He may have been cute in his young days but now he was just a regular middle age man, granted with a perfectly groomed face, but still wearing the scars of life on it.

Tony's look was a bit disheveled, the same way Steve's must have been after spending a whole day running after a dog. He had dark circles under his eyes and his smile was tired, even though still genuinely happy.

When you came down to it, Tony Stark wasn't really handsome. Money makes people beautiful probably. However, to Steve, to Steve he was just Tony, and he was the most handsome and _charming_ man he had ever met. Every inch of him made all the cells of Steve's body ignite with the recollection of what they had shared once.

Their eyes met and his heart raced at the sight of those deep scrutinizing chocolate pools, and the way his smirk faded and his lips parted slightly to reveal the tip of his tongue. Pictures and sensations came rolling around in his head, a mix of memories and fantasies that warmed his body in inappropriate places.

He let his eyes roam over the shape of him, getting drunk on the sight, as if he needed that to survive the next hundred years he would be deprived of him again. He stopped at the movement of his hands, even when they weren't fiddling something they were on perpetual motion. His eyes rested on Tony's left wrist and he noticed. _The watch_. The watch Tony had made for him. The one he had left on purpose. The one that was _connected_ to Liberty's collar. Collar that he had conveniently forgotten to give back. A collar Tony had made for Liberty, _with a GPS_...

Steve felt the shame overwhelm his whole being at the realization. He was so _so_ stupid. How could he be so stupid? He had roused up everyone and stole their time away, made them worry all day long when he only needed to make one phone call --just _one--_ and he would have been able to find her. Liberty had probably spent the day with Tony while he spent his own day stressing out. How could he have not thought about it? A subconsciously deliberate mistake, that's what they call it, was it? His face was burning red but Tony didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't show it.

"Hi!" Tony was smiling so honestly now. "You _do_ know how to keep a low profile, I've spent like four hours trying to get in touch with you."

Steve tried to greet him back but the words got shamefully stuck in his throat. His hand reached automatically his phone and he stammered. "I... I... My..." He tried but finally decided that showing was probably more efficient than words and pointed his phone at him. "battery died." He finally managed to say in a sigh.

Tony laughed frantically, making Steve blush again. "I figured." He said, still laughing, and let out a huge sigh of relief. "God, I'm so happy to see you."

Steve was no fool. Of course, he knew Tony didn't mean it the way Steve wished he did. Tony was probably just glad he could finally get rid of Liberty and go home to his future wife. It didn't stop Steve's heart from racing. He just needed to pretend it was because he was finally reunited with his companion. 

Tony laid out a hand to him and Steve felt a rush of blood coming to his face. He was probably flushed to his ears.  Suddenly he was feeling conscious of the position he was still in, crouching at Tony's feet, kneeling down in front of his crotch, and a jolt of electricity ran down his spine right up to the tip of his cock.

Again he blamed it on the turmoil in his heart, on the worry, on Liberty being safe again. He didn't need to feel these things now. He didn't want to, and he couldn't trust himself like this. He was too raw, too upset, too overwhelmed. He tightened his hold on the dog and gripped his hands into her fur one last time before letting her go.

Steve looked up at the soon-to-be married man smiling above him and holding his warm calloused hand to him and decided he was not going to have inappropriate thoughts about him. Tony was supposed to get married in a week and he, he had a boyfriend with whom he was about to move in together, _tomorrow._  

He ignored the leap of his heart and finally took Tony's hands. The older man stumbled back trying to get Steve up on his feet. For a second, Steve felt like Tony had intended to pull him into a hug, and maybe he had, but Steve quickly straightened up and kept himself away from Tony's grasp. He barely saw the disappointed look on the older man's face, so brief he thought he had dreamed it and he ignored the way his heart sank when he saw how Tony had awkwardly worked his arms back on his sides, stretching the fabric of his coat.

Liberty had calmed down and was sitting patiently at their feet. Steve was utterly aware that he had kept Tony busy all afternoon with his family drama because he had simply forgotten to give him a call, and the way Tony had joked about it made it even worse. He was so ashamed of his own stupidity and uselessness that he remained silent for a moment. 

"Thank you, Tony." He finally blurted out, once the awkwardness soothed down. "Thank you so much. I don't even know how to begin... You can't possibly know what it means to me."

Tony stared into his eyes and smiled gently. He brought his hand to his arm and patted him affectionately. "I know." He said lowly, almost like a whisper. "I know... " He repeated, louder. "The first thing I thought about when I heard they had found her was how worried you must have been. I tried to call you but... "

"Yeah, I'm sorry... I... They gave me that phone, I never changed it." Steve didn't have the words to express how grateful he was, and ashamed, so ashamed. It was all his fault.   "And... I didn't realize... I... Thank you, Tony. Thank you so much for bringing her back to me."

The truth was, Steve had purposely not given Tony any way to contact him.

He had never thought that would keep him away though, he never thought this would stop him. Maybe he thought nothing stopped someone like Tony. Why would he think that? What exactly had he expected?

He had expected --no, not expected--  _hoped._ Even if he would never admit it, he had hoped, deep inside, that Tony would search for him, demand explanation, _do_ something.

The truth was, he had never wanted to leave like that, like a coward, but he did. And Tony never found him. Never tried to either. Tony just moved on, just like that. He moved on and got engaged as if Steve had never been in his life at all. It probably felt like he hadn't. It was just three days, three fucking days and Tony must have had so many encounters in his life, so many different people, better people. He didn't have any need for someone like Steve in it.

Whereas for _Steve..._ For Steve, those three days had been deeply ingrained in his self forever. He would never forget them and sadly, it comforted him in his choice. He had made the right call by leaving. There never could have been anything between him and Tony, it was just a crazy fantasy.  

"It's okay... " Tony says, as if it was nothing, as if he hadn't spent his entire afternoon chasing after Steve, as if it was okay for someone like Tony, whose time was so precious and not for himself but for his company, for the world even, to waste his free time to save poor Steve's ass. "Now thinking back," He grinned. "If I hadn't been so worried about you, it would have been kinda fun." He flashed his best smile. "It _was_ fun actually."

And if that didn't just made him feel even more guilty than he was... Steve ignored the warm feeling spreading in his chest. Tony was cruel to make him believe he was important. He could never repay him so he just repeated the same litany of words again and again as if he didn't know any other words. "I'm so sorry, Tony." 

"Yeah, you said that already." Tony smiled kindly and Steve blushed. "I should have known that you would hate getting help. You're one of those..." He pushed his hands in his pockets and turned away in the direction of Steve's apartment, without seeing Steve's embarrassed blush spreading on his face.

Steve followed Tony with Liberty trotting behind. He hurried his step to catch up to him. It would always be that he thought, between them. It would always be Tony in all his grandeur marching through the world and him, following behind, unable to keep up with his pace. They didn't belong together, they weren't of the same world, it wasn't meant to be. He made the right call. _Leaving_ was the right call.

They walked in comfortable silence for a while. Silences were not awkward with Tony. Silences were not heavy, like it was sometimes with Sam. It felt like the noise of the city around them didn't exist, like they were in a bubble, like they were the only ones left on earth. They kept walking quietly side by side in the dark of the night until Tony suddenly turned to him with his manic energy.

"Oh, before I forget..."

He untied the watch from his wrist and handed it to Steve.

The gesture was energetic and hesitant at the same time and Steve felt overwhelmed by this feeling of deja-vu. He unconsciously turned his left forearm upward and handed it out to Tony so he could tie the watch around his wrist. Tony's eyes widened for a short moment before shrinking back to his usual scrutinizing, his parted lips pinched together into a pout and Tony focused on Steve's wrist.

Tony probably remembered, the same way Steve was remembering, the first time Tony had done this, when both of them didn't know how they felt about each other, and sexual tension was at its peak between them. It had felt so solemn then. Tony's fingers had shaken and his lips had parted the same way, and Steve had blushed at the nervousness emanating from the overconfident genius.

 _It had been real._ It was real what had happened between them then. No matter how things have changed, no matter that Tony had moved on and no matter what he shared with Pepper now. It had been real that time, Steve was sure of it, and a weird feeling, both warm and bitter at the same time, settled in his chest.

"You should have taken it too." Tony whispered, so close to him. So close he could feel the warmth of his breath on his skin. _I didn't want to take the collar,_ Steve wanted to say, _I didn't mean to keep it_. An yet he did...

Another subconsciously deliberate mistake, was it?

He didn't say anything though, words got stuck somewhere in his throat. Somehow he assumed Tony would be offended by the fact that Steve refused yet another one of his gifts, so he just apologized, again, like he had done so many times before.

It felt like he kept apologizing, again and again, apologizing for even existing, like his presence in Tony's air, in _everyone's_ air, was just nuisance. 

"I'm really sorry you had to do all this for my sake." Steve muttered ashamedly, and his eyes locked into the chocolate brown of Tony's when he raised his face to listen to him. "Sincerely."

For a short moment something happened between them, something intense and powerful and _real._

Tony looked at him as if he was going to devour him for a late snack. Only for a short moment, and then he looked away and brushed it off with a smile. "Nah... it's fine." He brought a hand to Steve's shoulder and patted affectionately. "Actually, I owe you one. I was stuck in an awful wedding tasting, you saved my ass... So, tell me, what happened?"

It was just enough to make his heart leap in his chest. He did _not_ need a reminder of Tony's upcoming wedding. Absolutely not. And he did _not_ need this warm feeling spreading at the idea that Tony would rather chase Steve all over the city, instead of tasting the food --which must be incredible-- of his own wedding.

"You know how Lib doesn't like being tied" He started, feeling his face burning up. Tony nodded. "so I avoid it as much as I can, and usually it's fine," Steve explained "she... she never goes far, but--"

"Yeah, I kinda remember how clingy she is..." Tony let out with a fond smile and a kind affectionate look in his eyes.

"This time she heard a noise and got scared and just... ran off."

Tony didn't say anything. He just looked at him, expression full of empathy but no judgement, no reproach and not even acknowledgement of Steve's very obvious embarrassed blushing.

They talked about this and that. Mostly how Steve had been so scared all day. Tony had this way of making Steve talk about his feelings. Things he rarely did with anyone else, except maybe Natasha.

Tony told Steve how he found him, Steve explained to Tony why it had been so difficult to find him. He was not purposely keeping it low, it was just a random combination of circumstances.

By the time they reached Tony's car, Steve had expected him to ran off to his bride to be but Tony didn't seem to want to leave just yet, he just stood there awkwardly, waiting for Steve to do something.

Steve wanted Tony gone. He wanted this to be over, call Sam, apologize and make up. He knew only bad things would happen if he invited Tony over, if he let himself walk closer to that cliff. What was the point of dragging this any longer? What was the point, when it would only make it harder in the end?

They were done. Nothing else to say anymore. No matter what might or might not have happened between them all those months ago. Steve had renounced Tony and Tony had moved on. It was just three damn days that didn't matter. They would go their separate ways. They would not be friends, why would they be? Steve had no interest in being Tony's friend. They had absolutely nothing in common. Nothing even remotely in common to justify ever keeping in touch.

Besides, Tony had Pepper, they belonged together, they were _getting married._  They would have kids and live the high life. A life that _didn't_ include Steve. And _he_  had Sam, they were moving in together. They would build a life together, the life Steve had always wanted. Out of the spotlight. A life where Tony's charisma wouldn't fit.

Steve wanted Tony gone and yet there he was, in the middle of the street, expecting Tony to jump in his car and leave forever but hoping he wouldn't. There he was _unable to let go_.

He raked a hand in his hair and turned awkwardly on his feet. "Do you... Do you wanna come up, for some coffee or something?"

Tony's eyes lit up. "God, yes, I'd kill for coffee right now." He sighed out of relief. 

They walked up the stairs and stumbled into Steve's almost empty apartment. Steve hesitated in front of his door before turning the key into the lock. He was about to invite Tony Stark, genius billionaire, into his dump. And he hated that, he _hated_ this feeling of inferiority, this shame he couldn't help feeling. He had nothing to be ashamed of and yet his hand trembled with he turned the key into the lock and he stammered. "Don't... It's... it's a bit small, but it's... convenient."

Tony chuckled behind him. "I don't care about that. And, I've been there already."

Steve turned to him, startled and confused. "What?"

Tony was staring, mouth gaping, and then he smiled sheepishly.

"Oh god, that sounded a lot creepier and stalkery than it actually was..." Tony confessed, defending himself. "I just... When I first came here earlier today and no-one answered I got worried, I wanted to make sure that nothing had happened to you. I err... I sorta picked your lock and got in, I just had a furtive look I swear, I needed to make sure you were not passed out somewhere or something, you know. And then I left, as soon as I saw that you weren't there, and then we met. God, Say something! I'm really really sorry."

Steve laughed.  Just like that, the shame, the feeling of inferiority vanished. Tony also had this way of making Steve feel comfortable about himself. How could Tony be so cute when he was embarrassed? "It's okay. I don't mind."

When they got inside, Tony took the time to look at the surroundings, as if he was there for the first time. "What a dump!" He said with a grin. "You turned me down for that?"

Steve rolled his eyes and smiled back at him, but inside he was a whirlwind of heat, self-hatred and embarrassment. "Thanks." He managed to say with a tinge of irony. Then he motioned toward the kitchenette in order to give some food and water to Liberty only to notice that someone had already fed her and he cast an affectionate look toward Tony who was still observing around him.

Tony laughed. "You know I don't care right?"

"Yeah." Steve muttered sheepishly. Not really sure if he didn't care about Steve living in a dump or Steve turning him down. He patted his pocket and remembered that his phone was out of battery and that he hadn't told anyone he had found Liberty or that she was fine. He picked his charger from the kitchen counter and gestured at Tony. "Sorry... I... I need to tell my friends. They're probably worried. Do you mind?" He asked while holding the phone up.

"Of course, not."

"I'll just make a quick call, it will take two minutes." He scurried to say, as if he needed to justify himself to Tony. "Is black coffee okay? I'm outta milk."

"It's fine. Take your time. Black coffee's perfect."

Steve switched his phone on. It vibrated and bipped a dozen times. Missed calls and messages from Natasha, Bruce and Sam. And from an unknown number that he suspected was Tony's. He couldn't help to look his way when he saw the number. A warm and fuzzy feeling settled down in his chest. Tony had moved around and was playing with Liberty at the other corner of the room, probably trying to give him some privacy Steve figured, as much privacy as you could give in his shabby studio apartment. 

He called Natasha first, she told him she had a lead from her colleagues and that apparently someone had picked up a dog that matched Lib's description earlier in the day. He told her that he had found her, that she was fine and that he would tell her everything tomorrow but now he was just tired. She said she understood and they hung up.

Then he called Sam. He owed it to him at least. He still felt bitter and ashamed about the way they had parted earlier. Sam deserved better than this. He looked again at Tony who was playing joyfully with Liberty. How come she had accepted Tony so easily while she had never accepted Sam? It would have been so much easier for them if she had.

Sam's voice was tired at the other end of the phone. The animosity from earlier was gone but he still sounded defeated. "Hello?"

Steve waited for a few moments before speaking, trying to think about what to say.

"Steve?" Sam's worried voice inquired.

"I've cooled down." Steve blurted out and then added "I'm really sorry" simultaneously as Sam said "Look, I'm sorry okay? I didn't--"

They laughed. It was a laugh full of relief but still loaded with an uncomfortable feeling. Sam had stepped on something that went far deeper than a little misunderstanding about their relationship, something they would have to deal with later on. It would not be brushed away with a simple apology and they both knew it.

"You first." Sam said, voice still high-pitched with laugh.

"I found her." Steve hurried to say and heard a huge sound of relief at the other end of the line. 

"Thank God, Steve." Sam sighed. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine. We're home. I mean, we're at my place."

"What a relief!!!" He sighed again. "Are _you_ okay?"

"Yeah, just tired."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"No." He almost shouted. "No. It's fine. I just wanna lie down. I'll tell you about it tomorrow..."

Sam sounded puzzled but didn't ask more. "Okay. Okay I'll see you tomorrow. I just wanted to say, about earlier, that I'm really sorry okay? I should't have bailed on you like that."

Steve felt the sudden guilt invade his chest and almost strangle him. "Please don't! I'm the one who needs to apologize. You're right, I shouldn't lash out at you. I just... I don't wanna talk about it now. Please. Tomorrow?"

"Okay. Tomorrow." Sam sighed. He clearly didn't want to have this conversation either. "I care about you, you know?"

"I know, me too." 

There was a short pause in which Steve was waiting for Sam to hang up and Sam didn't seem to want to do it.

"You're not backing out right?" Sam finally asked hurriedly, a tinge of worry in his voice. "About moving in with me? Cause you sound--"

"I'm not backing out." Steve assured him with a defeated sigh, before he could finish his sentence. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"Okay, I'll hang up, thanks for calling me. It means a lot. Sleep tight."

"You too."

Those last words left a bitter taste on Steve's tongue. He wasn't lying, not exactly but he wasn't telling the truth either. When he hung up, the guilty feelings didn't go away. On the contrary, they lingered, lurking over him. 

It shouldn't be like this. He wasn't doing anything wrong, nor was he planning to. There was nothing between him and Tony and there would never be. He was with Sam, he _loved_ Sam. And Tony was with Pepper, he was _marrying_ her. The thing that they might have shared was much too short, much too insignificant to mean something. He just thought that maybe they needed to talk, because maybe, he needed closure.

Still, it felt like betraying Sam, somehow, and that idea was digging a dirty trail in his heart.

If he was being honest with himself, he didn't let Tony in because he wanted to talk. Whatever they needed to talk about they could do it another time, somewhere neutral.

He should call Sam back, ask him to come, tell him he'd changed his mind. He was not in the right place right place to deal with all of this right now. He should ask Tony to leave. Why was Tony here anyway? He didn't belong here, he belonged with Pepper. He should be with  _her,_ planning their wedding, not here messing around with Steve, and pretending he just came for coffee. 

He glanced at Tony from the corner of his eye while the coffee was brewing. And then he saw, the dark rebellious curls, the perfectly trimmed goatee, his brown eyes so deep and focused, the grey hair sneaking up on his temples, the way his manic energy filled up the room, and his smile and all the shades of it, and the dark and magnetic aura surrounding him, entrancing, the endearing way he was so affectionate and thoughtful with Liberty. All the things that were so dangerously alluring to Steve. The things that had made Steve fall for him the first time, and were about to make him fall for him again.

He just couldn't let go. He _couldn't_ let it go, _again._  He had left with so many unsaid things, so many questions as well.

Steve walked to where Tony was standing with a fuming cup of coffee in hand. Tony's eyes had fallen upon the few open boxes on the floor that Steve hadn't finished packing.

"Moving out?" He asked nonchalantly, hands in the pockets of his pants. His coat had been discarded somewhere over the worn-out couch. He was dressed pretty casually but he still looked smart and handsome in those clothes.

Steve blushed and stammered while he handed the cup to him. He wanted Tony to know, and at the same time he didn't want Tony to know. He didn't want to say it, not like that at least, not so bluntly, but on the other hand he didn't know how to say it differently. "Yeah... I... err. I'm moving in at my boyfriend's place." 

"Thanks." Tony said automatically as he took the cup in his hand. A flicker of pain seemed to have crossed his eyes, so furtively that Steve wasn't sure of what it was he'd just seen. Maybe he had dreamed it, or maybe he had hoped so much to see it there that he'd seen it for real.

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Boyfriend?"

"Hum... Yeah.... Sam. He's great." _He's great._  Natasha's words came back to him. Way to go to be convincing with that Rogers!"He's a... We've been dating... For a few months now."

Tony flashed him his best smile, his most hypocritical one, maybe. "Good for you. Sounds like things worked out in the end. I'm happy for you, really." He said and he looked genuinely sincere. 

"Thanks." Steve answered, because he didn't know what else to say. Some part of him was relieved. It was a non-event and he felt stupid for ever thinking that it wouldn't go well. It was not like Tony cared, and if he was being honest, it hurt a bit. Another part of him  _didn't want_ Tony to be happy for him. "Sorry I... Congratulation, by the way, for the wedding. I should have said that earlier. I'm happy for you too. You deserve that, Tony. You deserve your happy ending." _I made the right call by leaving_ , he wanted to add but refrained the impulse. He wondered who he was trying to convince. Tony or himself...

Tony smiled but his grin seemed to hide something and Steve couldn't decipher what it was.

"Yeah. I'm really happy. I'm at a turning point in my life and this is all so very exciting. Me and Pepper... It was so obvious that I was blinded to it for years."

Steve had expected to hear those words, he had known he would hear them and yet it hurt still, so deeply in his heart. _It could have been me._  A little voice in his head kept saying. It _could_ have been. _No, it couldn't_... _Three days..._ It was only three days. Three fucking days in a world that wasn't his own. A world he was a stranger to and had no intention to get accustomed to whatsoever. _I made the right call._ He tried to convince himself. _It was the right thing to do._  

And as if that first part hadn't hurt enough, Tony just rubbed some more salt on the wound. "It's all thanks to you, man. You opened my eyes. I even thought about inviting you, but then I didn't know how to contact you and I figured Pepper wouldn't be thrilled at the idea." He joked and then whispered like he was telling Steve some kind of dirty secret. "I think she's a bit jealous of you."

Steve wanted to laugh it out too but it sounded much too tense even in his own ears. "Yeah, I think I noticed."

The older man sipped his coffee as his eyes raked through Steve's stuff. "So... " He started, looking away. "You and Sam." and he sounded like he wanted to talk about something else entirely. Steve couldn't really place the tone of his voice, ironical probably, a little bitter maybe, he wasn't sure. "It's great!"

Steve searched into the brown of Tony's eyes. He searched for what this bright smile of his seemed to hide. That's what they'd been doing all night, beating around the bush, never really wanting to finally address the elephant in the room.

"Yeah..." Steve said, really not knowing what else to say. 

"Is it Sam as in VA guy Sam who happened to find you a job and a place to stay?" Tony asked as nonchalant and unconcerned as one can be.

 _What?_ is what Steve thought he had answered. Instead he had remained still, mouth gaping, completely taken aback. _Tony remembered_. Steve didn't even recall saying the name, but Tony remembered. Just a little detail like that. A thing of no importance, that Steve had said once maybe but Tony had been listening, and he _remembered._

"Err... yeah?"

Tony snorted. "You married the good samaritan! You did good, Captain!" He said sarcastically. Steve's heart raced. He moved his hands jerkily and turned his body in awkward motion to hide his embarrassment. "No seriously, does he happen to be a handsome tall black guy?"

This time he really said it. "What?" And it must have come out a little bit offended because Tony's eyes widened and his expression changed into an apologetic one when he realized what he had just said.

"Oh God, I did the creepy stalkery thing again, didn't I? Fuck, it _did_ sound pretty stalker-like." Tony was throwing his hands in the air in jerky movements. A way to say he was sorry perhaps, or embarrassed, or both. "I wasn't... stalking you I mean. I could have, you know, find your address and number and everything, would have been so easy with the GPS on the collar and everything. Today was no piece of cake but I managed in the end, obviously, but em... I didn't want to. I guessed, if you wanted me to contact you, you would have left me you number or something you know, so I figured... Well, I'm rambling I... I just... I wasn't following you. I just happened to see you once, in front of a coffee shop, in Manhattan. It was a complete coincidence, I swear. You were holding hands, well, almost holding hands, I didn't wanna bother you. You seemed really happy, proud and confident. It was a good look on you. I thought you should know." Tony looked away and Steve could see an embarrassed smile on his face and then he turned around and his eyes locked into Steve's and he asked, very seriously. "Does he make you happy? You _looked_ happy. I'll be happy to know that he makes you happy. That's all I want-ed, for you I mean. God I'm talking too much, aren't I?"

_Oh._

Steve ignored the pain he thought he saw in Tony's browns. He would have reached to him otherwise, and wrapped him with protective arms, held him tight against him and cuddled him perhaps. 

"I am." He just said, because that's what they were doing, pretending that nothing had ever happened between them. It was just three fucking days that meant nothing, nothing at all. "He makes me happy." He muttered with a hoarse voice. "I hope you're happy too." And he realized he truly meant it when the words came out.

"I am." Tony said with the same tone Steve had just used. "Pepper's amazing. She's the best thing that ever happened to me."

Steve did his best not to shake as his heart sank. "I'm truly happy for you, Tony." He muttered, voice trembling, "I really am and I hope that you'll get the loving family you deserve."

Tony smiled but it wasn't a bright smile, nor a sarcastic smile, nor a mocking smile. It was rueful and tense. No wonder, even to Steve his words sounded nauseating. Tony sipped the last of his coffee and put the cup on the closest piece of furniture. He rested his hands on his hips and stared down, into space. He sighed and mumbled something like "That being said, it was nice catching up with you."

Tony was leaving.

Steve felt relieved suddenly, as if all the tension in his muscles he didn't know he had suddenly relaxed. Tony was leaving. He would marry Pepper. Steve would move in with Sam. He _had_ made the right call. It didn't matter that his feelings were in a turmoil. Or that something inside urged him to keep Tony here at all cost. He wasn't sure he knew what he had hoped for when he invited the man in. Whatever it was it was too late now. Tony was leaving, for the best.

The older man patted Liberty one last time and Steve thought he mouthed her a _I'll miss you._ Then he took his coat from the couch to hang it on his arm. On his way out he walked past Steve and stopped very close to him, he gave a pat and a gentle squeeze on his shoulder and almost rested his head on the warmth of Steve as he whispered "I wish you the best." in his ear.

It could have ended here.

Except Steve was a liar. He had known why Tony had wanted to come up, and he _knew_  why he had invited him in.

Tony's steps stopped in front of the door. Steve turned around to look at his back. "Tony?"

Tony swirled around on his feet and suddenly the bright smile and the kind gentle expression in his eyes were gone from his face. "Why did you leave?" He asked in a harsh cold tone.

 _There it was_. Steve had expected it. He knew Tony would ask. He expected those words and yet he wasn't prepared. He wasn't prepared for them to hurt like daggers piercing through his heart. He stammered, unable to speak. A thick growing lump in his throat made him choke on his words.

Tony looked at him ardently, waiting for an answer that never came. "We had promised each other. I had a whole date planned for you. It could have been amazing. Instead you just ran away without a word and I was left like a jerk in my stupid tux waiting for you."

Steve looked down at his feet. He could feel his face burn at the echoing thumping of his racing heart. "I'm sorry." He glanced up at Tony and saw his eyes wander over the empty bookshelf behind him, and the corners of his mouth curved slightly up before the hint of a smile vanished almost instantly.

"I know that wrapping paper." He whispered and chuckled bitterly, making his tongue tick in his mouth. "You didn't even open it."

Steve threw a glance behind and saw Tony's gift, still wrapped in Iron Man paper, only book left on his bookshelf. He didn't have to though, to know what Tony was talking about, and he felt a growing lump of shame in his throat. Steve had waited till the last moment before putting it into the boxes. Each time he had tried, his mind would wander away and images of Tony would appear. He wanted to throw it away, but keep it forever at the same time. Either way, he never wanted Sam to ask him questions about it.

"I know what it is." Steve muttered while all his emotions were in alert.

Tony chuckled. "Of course, you do." He spat. "No wonder you left me rot in that restaurant..."

"What?" Steve asked, confused. "What do you mean?"

Tony waved his head and just snorted.

"It's just a book, Tony." Steve explained, tried to justify, but Tony didn't seem to want to know. "It wasn't the book that I held precious. It was the memories. Now it calls up to different memories. And it means something else to me. Something else entirely, but all the same precious."

"Yeah right." Tony snarked with bitterness in his eyes. "Doesn't matter anymore anyway, does it?"  

Tony was staring daringly into his eyes and Steve felt weak under his stare. There was something happening between them, that Steve couldn't quite place. A mix of anger, sadness, regrets and desire. A desire that grew in his bones every seconds passing by in Tony's presence. A desire he could feel ardent in Tony's eyes as well.

"I can't believe I turned you down that night." Tony spat regretfully.

"I'm glad you did." Steve rushed to say, almost short of breath, ignoring the racing beating of his heart. "It's a good thing that nothing happened between us." So many things had happened though. Things that still made Steve feel hot sometimes _._ "Now I have Sam. You have Pepper. It would have complicated things."

"You think? Yeah, maybe you're right." Tony conceded with a faint smile, eyes softened and looking into space. "I have Pepper. She's great. I have everything I want. You're happy with Sam. Everything turned out fine for you in the end, for both of us." 

Everything turned out fine, they both agreed, and yet the words sounded so wrong and forced out of Tony's mouth and Steve was searching his eyes to read a confirmation of this in them, but Tony was looking away, avoiding his gaze and Steve felt a growing weigh in his chest.

Why didn't it feel fine then?

_I made the right call. It was the right thing to do. We don't belong together. We never could be. We never would. I made the right choice. I have Sam. I love him. I want a life with Sam. Tony has Pepper. They belong together. I made the right call._

"I really grateful, Tony. For everything you did for me. And uh, I know that... we felt things, back then but... they weren't real. I mean, they were real... but they weren't right, they were... romanticized, mislead. I don't know how to say this but... Let's be honest, it would have  never worked out between us."

Tony's chocolate eyes met his and stayed there, his hands were fidgety and his movements awkward. Steve couldn't really read the expression on his face. It looked like a silent agreement but felt so wrong at the same time. 

It suddenly felt like everything was getting out of control.

"I should have fucked you when I had the chance." Tony muttered, eyes staring through Steve, pupils blowed out, and a shiver ran down Steve's spine.

"It's better this way." He choked out with a raspy voice.

"Yeah? Really? 'cause it don't feel like it... " Tony muttered in a melancholic tone. "Had I fucked you, I'd _know._ " He continued with more anger in his voice. "I wouldn't spend my days wondering, what it'd feel like, to be with you. How you would taste on my tongue. What you'd look like when you come on my cock. How warm your mouth would be around it.  I wouldn't get drunk and drowning in sinful memories of you, unfinished memories. I wouldn't spend every fucking hour of my fucking useless life wondering what I did, to make you leave." He paused just enough for Steve to hear how hard and hitched his breathing was. "I could have moved on. " He finally let out softly and regretfully.

Steve stared at the man, mouth gaping while all these words vibrated throughout his body. Tony was glaring and ogling at the same time, his eyes devoured him and Steve could see his lips twitch slightly, almost inconspicuously. He felt dizzy and weak in the knees, invaded by an urgent desire and overwhelmed by his shame and regrets. The racing of his heart made breathing hard. He could feel a bead of sweat dripping down his spine and his hands twitched jerkily.

It would be a lie to say that this was the moment when everything changed. It would be a lie that it was at that moment precisely that Steve made up his mind. Because... Truth was...  Steve had known from the very first brief instant they shared in the street that this would happen. He had known from the way Tony had looked so hungrily at him that it would come to this. It was a lie to say he had been surprised and cornered in his own apartment. He had known the same way that he knew now, by looking into Tony's eyes and seeing the pain and craving lust there, that he would give this man everything. 

Steve wasn't really sure how he found himself bent over the couch with Tony pounding hard into him. Sleeping Liberty forgotten in her corner.

He knew he had started it. He was the one who closed the distance between them and slipped his hand behind Tony's neck. Tony had stumbled behind, gaping at him, eyes lost in lust. Steve slithered his tongue in Tony's hot wet mouth and ravaged it. For a brief moment Tony had been pliant and offered in his grasp, caught by surprise but soon he was moaning sinfully into Steve's mouth, gasping for air and his tongue counterattacked. His arms wrapped around Steve with a tender strength and he ravished him, biting tongue and lips, licking all over, scraping his beard on his sensitive skin, making Steve shiver all over at the nerving sensation. Tony was indecent in his mouth, hot and bittersweet, and the growls coming from the back of his throat went straight down Steve's groin. He was already rock-hard and could feel Tony grinding against him. Tony was in the same debauched state.

The rest of it was a blur. Too rough, too brutal, too urgent. They both tore their clothes away, tongues fighting a battle and hands assaulting their bodies and soon Steve was on his knees, pants down his thighs, chest resting on the couch heaving up and down, breathing hitched, _expectant_ as a half clothed Tony positioned himself behind him.  

It was ruthless and raw, and Steve cried and groaned endlessly while Tony grunted above him, giving hard and merciless thrusts.

"Fuck, you're tight." He had spurted out in a gasp. His hands clutched his hips like Steve was his anchor in this world, sinking their nails in the curve of his waist.

 Steve _was_ tight, and eager and a moaning mess while Tony praised him with the most embarrassing words. He whined in despair when Tony slowed down and pulled out.

"Get on the floor and turn around." He commanded hastily. "I wanna see you come."

More pieces of clothes were torn away and discarded somewhere and Steve was lying on the floor, spreading his legs to welcome Tony between them. Tony took a moment to admire Steve's body, he splayed his hand on his stomach and slid it up his glistening chest, wiping the sweat from every curve of his muscles. "Steve." He chanted endlessly. "Steve, you feel so good. You're so... so fucking good."

Tony's eyes were dark indecent burning pools, staring at him, and made Steve feel hot and shivering. He was pretty sure he let out a shameful keening noise at the feral look. His breathing hitched, burning his throat.

Tony grabbed his head and ravaged his mouth at the sound and his tongue never left Steve's mouth while he resumed his merciless pounding, grazing at his soft spot at each thrust. Tony kissed him all along, giving his tongue the softest caresses until his breathing accelerated and he became a panting moaning mess in Steve's mouth. Tony came with a strangled whine, thrusting hard into Steve and grabbing eagerly at every part of his body he could touch. The avid and greedy urgency behind Tony's hard grips made Steve go over the edge. He came in a long keening gasp at the friction of his cock against Tony's firm stomach, stimulated by the knowledge that he had just spent himself inside of him.

"F-fuck" Tony sighed as he collapsed on top of Steve. "You're so beautiful." He whispered in his ear, while Steve was still shaken up from his orgasm and catching his breath. The words went right to his chest where his heart skipped and a warmth was settling. 

Sex with Tony was--  _God. Sex with Tony..._

Tony was caressing Steve's face and neck, running his thumb on Steve's lips and along the hard lines of his jaw. "You were amazing." He said, voice still hoarse while he put long warm kisses on his cheek and temple. Steve could feel him smiling against his skin and his heart wouldn't stop racing. 

"You too." He slurred. And he meant it. Those words had never been so true.

He had always thought it took months, maybe years for two people to work so fine together in bed, for things to be that easy and natural, and yet, with Tony everything seemed to be right and evident.  

Steve wrapped his arm around the older man and brought him close to him, holding him with a strong grasp. He turned his head to look into his brown eyes and saw the smile brighten his face. Tony's eyes were warm marbles twinkling and laughing, illuminating the dark room. Steve breathed Tony's smell, buried his face in the tingling beard and caught his lips in his mouth.

Tony kept kissing him everywhere, light kisses, loving kisses until Steve lost his patience and shoved his tongue in his mouth. He felt his softening cock twitch inside of him and a shiver ran throughout his body. Tony remained inside of him and didn't seem to want out. His hands were exploring, brushing lightly, pinching, examining every inch of Steve's skin. They were doing what they were too eager and desperate to do before.

The older man wrapped his arms around Steve, buried his face in his neck and hummed softly against his sensitive skin. "Steeeve." He slurred in his ear. "You're so good. So fucking good." Tony was instinctively grinding against Steve, moving his limp cock inside of him, grazing his soft spot unintentionally and keeping Steve on a high. "I wanna put my babies in you."

Steve would have replied a sassy remark like. "I would be honored Mr Stark, but I'm quite sure that is impossible since I'm infertile." He would have, he had planned to. Had it been anyone other that Tony saying this to him. Instead, the only sass that came out of his mouth was a strangled "Ughrr" and he was pretty sure the lascivious glimpse that flashed across the older man's dark eyes was only a reflection of his own lust as he bit his bottom lip to prevent himself from crying out Tony's name.

The effect was immediate. 

Tony's cock grew back impressively fast, filling Steve up again. His body tensed and jerked under the pressure and a heated pool of desire was swirling inside of him.

Steve just laughed and threw his head back. "Just how short is your refractory period?"

"I don't _have_ a refractory period." Tony answered in a whimper. "Usually, at my age, once is enough and when I sex like I just sexed you, I'm sated for a whole week."

"Well, this little guy down there--"

"Little guy?" Tony asked in a staged offended tone.

He laughed again. "Okay, this big guy down there doesn't seem to agree with--" _You_ he would have finished to say, if he hadn't been interrupted by his own gasp and moan after Tony moved his hard length inside of him.

"Steve," He whined again. "the things you do to me." 

The things _Tony_ was doing to him. Every time Tony opened his mouth, Steve felt hot and powerless under him. 

"Let me fuck you again, please." Tony pleaded in a long plaintive whine. "Please, let me fuck you one last time." As if Steve could ever say no to this, especially when Tony was already thrusting his hard cock, pushing his own come in the depth of Steve's guts.

The second time was slower, softer, more caring, more loving and without clothes. Tony was giving long deep thrusts while he kept kissing his mouth and neck and let his hands wander all over Steve's body like he was touching something precious and fragile.

They both came together after what felt like hours of caressing, undulating and sweating against each other. Tony ran a clammy hand in Steve's damp hair and kissed him again and again and again, licking his lips and his tongue and everything else. 

"Shit." He said with a huge grin. "That was awesome." As if that wasn't just the fucking best sex Steve had had in his entire existence, despite his short but nevertheless intense experience in the matter. 

"Yeah." Steve said with the exact same stupid sated grin on his face. He was high, definitely high. He had just lived his own fucking fairy tale and his mind was still floating in a bubble surrounded with butterflies and unicorns. He chuckled and tightened his hold onto the older man, still lost in the aftermath of pleasure.

But fairy tales don't exist.  

"Where do I sign in to be your little bit on the side?" Tony asked innocently, half-joking. At least it sounded like a joke, but it wasn't funny. Not funny at all. 

 _He had cheated on Sam_. 

And just like that, the bubble splashed, the butterflies flew away and the unicorns were slaughtered.

He felt a shiver down his spine, not the good kind of shiver, the cold and creepy kind. The one which makes you feel weird and makes you want to hide in a rabbit hole for the rest of your life, trying to forget what a useless cunt you are. 

He had cheated on Sam _\-- twice._

Steve chuckled again because he didn't even know how to respond to that. "You're so tight." Tony mumbled in the crook of his neck, out of nowhere. "How can you be so tight?"

He shivered again, feeling uncomfortable. Tony made him feel this way. And yet Steve felt hot too, hot and warm inside, and gratefully flattered. _He was the worst._

"Aren't you used to this by now with your boyfriend's big black cock?" Tony continued, obviously not wanting to stop being a jackass. Steve felt the bile in the back of his throat. 

"Oh my god! You did _not_ just make a super cliche, super racist comment about my boyfriend." It was supposed to sound outraged. _He_ was supposed to _be_ outraged, but he didn't have enough in him to. He just sounded tired and defeated, and felt crushed by his own guilt and shame. 

"What? I'm just curious. You feel like a virgin... Are you a virgin?"

Steve giggled. More out of embarrassment than anything else.

"I'm not a virgin." He protested, flushed like a maiden. "I'm just..."

"Just what? Oh you mean the saying isn't true then?" Tony snarked, eyes mocking and sell-satisfied. It was just infuriating. 

"What?" Steve almost shouted, absolutely offended and very _very_ ashamed. "No! Are you fucking serious right now?"

He more than hated himself. He felt _rotten_ inside. He had betrayed Sam, his boyfriend, who had always been nice and understanding with him. He had _cheated_ on Sam, betrayed that love, the trust they shared, and everything else. He had thrown all that away for a brief moment of pleasure. A moment so short it was already over, leaving a filthy taste in Steve's mouth. A short moment with devastating consequences for all of them.

He felt dizzy and weird, and a blush was burning his face up, because despite everything, despite the cheating, despite Tony being a jerk, despite his offensive racist comments, the only thing Steve could think of right now, was how good it had felt to have Tony's cock inside of him and how much he missed it with Sam and it made him hate himself even more.

"I hate him." Tony mumbled, face hiding in the crook of Steve's neck and mouth nibbling at the skin there, sending shivers down Steve's spine. "I hate it. That he can have you. That he can fuck you like this whenever he wants. That he will be able to fuck you every day from now on. I hate it that you're not mine."

Steve gasped. His heart was being split apart, into two bleeding parts. "Sam doesn't fuck me." He let out in a low whisper.

"Really?" Tony asked with surprise. His eyes dark and glistening with a mischievous glimpse. "He's a bottom? Is that why--"

Steve laughed because it helped him keep his cool for one. It wasn't particularly funny, or perhaps it would have been in other circumstances, but right now it was everything but funny.

It was all very surreal. Steve felt like he wasn't even being part of this conversation. As if it happened to someone else, in another universe. The words just came out of his mouth on their own because he was much too angry, too distressed, too ashamed to think of anything. He wanted out. "We don't do anal, Sam and I, we--"

He couldn't even believe himself. How could he tell Tony such an intimate thing? How could he disregard his boyfriend's trust and feelings so easily?

The magic had disappeared so quickly. Only remained the pain, the self-hatred, the bitterness and this absolutely sickening feeling of guilt, creeping inside and making him want to throw up.

How come what felt splendidly good and delicious and amazing just minutes ago felt so bitter and nauseating on his mouth right now. He shivered again and squirmed uncomfortably under Tony. He wanted Tony out of him, now. Out of his place. Out of his life. Out of his mind. Forever.

"Your boyfriend is a fool." Tony joked. "He doesn't know what he's missing."

"Tony!" Steve shouted angrily. "Can you just _not_ speak about my boyfriend while you're still inside of me?" 

He was refraining from pushing Tony off and out of him. He just couldn't stand the touch of his skin on him anymore and each drop of Tony's cum dripping out of him felt like acid between his legs.

He didn't have to push Tony off. His words worked like an electroshock on the older man.

The man leaped on his feet in just enough time for Steve to realize he was standing above him, face ghastly pale and distorted. "Tony?" Steve asked, all worried suddenly. He was still lying on the floor, settling himself to rest on his elbows, slowly recuperating, and Tony was moving nervously, hiding his face in his hands and sighing heavily.

"We didn't use a condom." He whispered, voice weak and stained with worry.

Steve laughed mirthlessly. Never mind they both just cheated on their partners. Tony was worried about a condom. It's not like Tony had just came _twice,_ in his ass. This was all a joke, a very bad, poorly tasting joke, wasn't it?

"Well," he chuckled, "It's not like I can get pregnant for real." He bantered while sitting up, because at this point it was that or throw the first thing he could put his hand on at the man's face.

"Do you think this is funny?" Tony spat out angrily, his eyes pits of fire glaring in his direction. He was already getting dressed with an air of disgust on his face.

It shouldn't hurt.

It _hurt._

Tony turned on himself, looking for his clothes, raking a hand in his hair and rubbing his face down in an attempt to control his overflowing emotions. "How could you do this to me, Steve? How could you let me fuck you without a condom?" He barked through gritted teeth, because obviously, it was Steve's fault. "Is this something that you do?" 

Steve was sitting on the floor, still naked, arms resting on his slightly spread legs and he could feel the semen dripping out of him. Probably never in his life he'd felt so used and humiliated. No, not _probably. Never._  

"No. And you?"

"I _don't_  fuck without condoms. I just _don't,_ Steve. I may be a slut but I'm safe. Can you say the same?"

Steve was too dumbfounded to even _be upset._ He could have thrown Tony's words back to his face a hundred times, because who the fuck did he think he was? Instead he tried to reassure him.  "I'm clean, Tony." He said lowly, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat. 

"How do you know? Did you get tested recently? _Did you_?" Tony yelled, eyes staring at him in fury. "Because I did. Last month. Like every fucking month."

"N-no." Steve stammered. "But--"

Tony started hyperventilating, face red and endlessly turning on his feet, throwing his arms in the air in jerky uncontrolled movements. And Steve stood up instantly because despite every thing, Steve was still worried about Tony. He almost reached a soothing hand to him in an attempt to calm him down but Tony didn't let him touch him.

"I can't believe I did something like that." He choked out, while hiding his face in his hands. He was almost weeping. "One week before getting married." His face turned white. "Oh fuck. Pepper." He panicked. "How am I gonna tell Pepper? What am I gonna do? I just... I can't... I... What if I contaminate her? I'm gonna need to take preventive treatment. Shit. Fuck. Shit. I'm gonna have to tell her."

"You don't trust me?" Steve whispered while putting on his shirt and sweatpants. 

It brought Tony back to himself at least, and he was angry, eyes spitting fire. "Why would I? I don't _know_ you." He yelled. "And it's not like you've ever given me any reason to _trust_ you. For all I know you might have barebacked your way throughout America. I picked you up in the streets, man. What the fuck do I know about what happened there..."

Steve felt his cheeks heat and his breathing accelerate. He went down from sixty to zero in a matter of seconds. He had let Tony use him, fuck him like a stag night whore and humiliate him and his boyfriend. This is why you don't make life-changing decisions after you've known someone for three days. Three days will never show you the viciousness someone might be hiding. And Tony's was the worst kind of viciousness, because he was hiding it so fucking well. You would give him the world in three days. Steve had. Steve had given him everything, only to being spat on and kicked in the guts in return. 

"You remember, Tony, when I said you could be insensitive sometimes?" Steve whispered, eyes fixing the man glaringly. "Well this is one of those moments. Please just go."

Tony probably wished he could go too, but he was completely freaking out and he was lashing out at Steve who watched him spitting his venom as if he wasn't in the room, watching the scene from afar. He felt filthy and used and worthless. He hated himself and Tony for ever making him feel so worthless. He had never felt so low before. 

"Get out." He spoke. Low and firm. "GET OUT!"

Tony's eyes opened wide and his mouth dropped. He remained like this for a short moment, completely taken aback and breathless, but it was not because Steve had spoken louder. It was because Liberty had woken up and was growling and barking at him, protecting her owner.

Tony stepped back and looked at Steve with a mix of fear and apology and left. 

 

Steve stared at the book, surrounded with torn pieces of Iron Man wrapping paper. He had intended to tear the book apart too but the ancient aspect of it stopped him in his book-murdering. It looked _really_ ancient. He had dropped the thing as if it would curse him with some maleficent spell. 

Steve was not superstitious, nor did he believe in those things, but he never expected this. He thought Tony would buy him a copy of his own book as a replacement for the damaged one. He didn't think Tony would buy the _original_ publication. He is not stupid, he checked. The manuscript seemed very fragile and needed careful manipulation. How precious must this book be? How rare was it? How much did that thing cost?

Imagining it made Steve's head spin. He wasn't sure what to think of this, he wasn't sure what to make of it either, but none of it made him feel better about all of this. At best he felt like a very expensive hooker and nothing could make the taste of puke in his mouth and the rotten feeling go away.

He threw the book away and a page came out of it. He had already managed to damage it and that was enough to make him feel guilty. Not because it was Tony's gift, but because it was a piece of art and Steve had always respected arts. He felt really bad about damaging part of the world cultural heritage. He rushed to it as Liberty ran for it as well, she tended to do that when he threw something in the air. He grabbed it before she could snatch it away from him, only to realize it wasn't a page of the book that came out of it but a folded sheet of paper carefully placed where Julien's favorite poem _The Drunken Boat_ was. 

He shouldn't have read it.  

Or maybe he should have read it six months ago. Now it only made him feel even lower than he already felt.

He _read_ it, over and over again, until he felt cold and dry.

 

_Dear Steve,_

_It sounds nice, right? I thought it would. I'm not used to this but I am writing to you, yeah, with actual pen and paper. I figured you'd be the type._

_I hope you liked my gift. I owed that to you and I always keep my promises. It's an original copy. I wrapped it up myself and I must say I'm quite proud of my wrapping paper. I hope you are too. I value what is important to you is what I want to say. You matter to me is also what I want to say._

_So I'm writing to you because I don't know how to tell you this. I've turned it around and around in my head but I couldn't find the right words. So I thought maybe writing it would do the trick. At least you can admire the effort, right?_

_Last night was... unexpected, disconcerting. Amazing._

_I have never felt this way about anyone else before and I want to feel that way again. For the first time I feel like I can actually give as much as I can get. Give something true, something substantial. You must think I'm a crazy old man for ever feeling this way after such a short period of time but that's what I felt and I think you felt it too._

_I'm not asking you to marry me, yet, but I meant what I said last night. I want a chance for us to get to know each other. I feel like we could be good together, to each other. I feel like something is happening between us and I want the chance to discover what it is._

_I understand that you are in a difficult position right now and I'm not asking you to stay or to give in to everything I want because you feel like you owe me or something. I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. I don't want to be in control of you. I don't want you to feel obliged to me. I'm willing to wait until you can stand for yourself and be your own man._

_Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am reckless. My friends seem to think so at least. I just don't want to miss my chances with you. I realize that I'm taking a huge risk here. I don't know you and you could freak out or perhaps you're out there to take me down. I don't think that you are though, and I choose to believe you. I have trust issues and I know you have too but I hope you can believe in me, in time. We are two broken people but I think we can fix each other up._

_I'm not asking for a life-time partner here. (Although, I wouldn't say no to that either.) I'm just asking for a date. A real date. I want to see where this is going. Maybe this isn't getting anywhere but I don't want to live with regrets. I'm too old for this._

_I want to live. I want to feel. I almost died once and I was a ghost in my own story for too long. I was stuck in a gray area, feeling cold and numb and empty and suddenly you and Liberty came into my life and warmed everything up._

_I feel again, I hope again, I found something I thought I could never have. Call me greedy but I don't want to give all that up away yet. I want it all._

_It's a little bit presumptuous of me to think that you would accept my request because I just asked you to, but it would make me extremely happy if you would._

_Be ready at 7. Happy will take you to the right place. Wear the suit I bought for you. The blue one. I may not know anything about relationships but I can damn well choose a suit. It will bring out your eyes and I want to know  what lies behind those eyes._

_I want to know everything about you.  If you want to know about me too, I'll be waiting._

_Yours,_

_T._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to love this fic, I've come to hate it. Can't wait for it to finally end. 
> 
> I really wanted to finish this before the end of summer. I'll try my best to finish it as soon as I can.
> 
> Sorry again about triggers. I hope you will give them the chance to redeem themselves. They will. There WILL be a happy ending as promised.
> 
> BTW: there is no such thing as an original collection of poems by Rimbaud, I think.


	19. Isn't it worth the shot?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Tony meet again and try to figure out what they feel for each other.

Tony was finally done with this party. He hated them more and more. It wasn't the kind of party he wanted to go to anymore. Now he wished for time with friends and family only, who, by the way, were the same people. He was fed up with drinking booze to forget why these people really came to his parties. He was tired of smiling and putting up a face to please his guests. He was tired of all of this. He wanted game nights with his best buddy, have pizza in front of a movie and spend a nice evening on his couch wearing the same grimy clothes he wore in his workshop. 

But it was important, and Pepper had insisted. 

Tonight however, he was done. He had done everything that was expected of him: greeted all the important guests, done the show, drunk too much, flirted with too many girls much too young for him. He was done. Also there was something he needed to do anyway.

He searched the room for the tall blond security guard he thought he took sight of before. He only saw a glimpse of him but he was all he could think about all night long. 

Most of the guests had already left and Pepper was dealing with the last recalcitrant ones.

That's when he spotted him, on one of the balconies. He had this serious focused look on his face and talked into a radio, eyes never leaving the entrance of the building and the dance of luxurious cars rushing out the parking lot.

He was wearing a black uniform, plain and discrete, and seemed to give orders. The frown on his face gave him the look of someone important and powerful and Tony thought it was really sexy on him, and incidentally that the uniform suited him very well.

Tony stopped to admire the view for a moment, the tall and strong figure standing straight and focused, the shape of his ass molded in the uniform, the blond streak of hair shining under the city lights and wavering in the wind, the beard and the serious pout of his lips while he talked. And the blue, deep blue of his eyes. His pretty eyes. He would recognize them anywhere.

His heart skipped in his chest. God, he was beautiful. So beautiful and hot and, oh, how the beard was sexy on him. And Tony definitely had a thing for tall blond guys in uniform with a serious focused look in their eyes. And the frowning that Tony had never seen before just made him feel hot all over. 

He paced silently to the man until he was close enough to talk to him but letting enough distance between them not to be rude. The last time he had seen him, it hadn't ended well. And that was an understatement.

He stopped, waiting for him to acknowledge his presence but the man didn't. Tony was almost sure he had seen him though. Maybe he was ignoring him on purpose, or maybe he was just focused on his task.  Who knows? But Tony had waited all night long for this and he had never been the patient type.

"I knew it was you." He said loudly. The blond man turned instantly his glaring blue eyes to him.

"Tony." He saluted through gritted teeth with his deep powerful voice that sounded a little bit (well a lot but who cares?) annoyed.

"Would you like a drink?" Tony asked while showing his half empty glass of scotch. He hadn't really planned to ask him if he wanted to drink, actually he hadn't really planned anything. He hadn't even planned for the handsome blond security guard to really _be_  Steve.

Except now that he was facing Steve and that the other man was obviously glaring at him, snarling, Tony didn't feel so confident anymore.

"I'm on duty." Steve snapped back. 

"So?"

"So?" The blond repeated with an overdramatic tone. "I'm working. I'm not here _for fun_. You should know, you're paying." He sighed heavily.

"Surely you can take a break and have a drink with an old friend."

"We're not friends, Tony. We never were. And no, I really can't."

"Why not?"

Steve bore his annoyed blue eyes into Tony's and sighed defeatedly. "That goes without saying. I'm head of security, I can't just leave. I kinda have responsibilities!"

Tony chuckled. "You give yourself too much importance, Captain. Nobody cares. And everyone's gone anyway. This party's over. But you wanna do your job properly and I respect that. On the other hand, like you said rightfully, I'm paying. So technically, I'm your employer, and then technically, if I'm paying you, you should do the things I'm asking you to do and I'm paying for. So technically--"

Tony watched with amusement the blush creeping on Steve's face as well as the anger clenching his jaw. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" The blond man asked through gritted teeth again.

"Clearly not what you think it means." Tony answered with a teasing tone. He finished his drink and walked closer to the man. He leaned against the railings and rested on his elbows, then looked at the sky above them, dreamily. "Head of security..." He hummed. "Hum, that's where I should congratulate you for your promotion I suppose."

"I've been promoted three months after I started my job." Steve sighed annoyingly with a slight tinge of contempt in his voice.

"Of course, you were." Tony snapped sarcastically. "You're good. You're setting up for a _big career_ in security business, I get that." He says with an ironical voice which managed to piss Steve off even more. He pinched his lips annoyingly and Tony couldn't help but think about how so very cute it was, but then Tony was drunk and really wasn't to be trusted. 

"What do you want Tony?" Steve finally asked in a very defeated sigh.

"I just wanna talk, that's all."

"About what?"

"About you. About Liberty. I wanna know how the two of you are doing, what's up with you lately... Just talk."

Steve's tense body finally relaxed as he dropped the hand holding the radio. The dance of cars was over and only remained Tony's close friends and staff in the venue. Tony glanced at Pepper who was smiling and talking happily with Rhodey. She was gorgeous in her silky green dress. He felt a surge of affection for her suddenly. He loved her so much. When he turned back to Steve, he met his eyes, his beautiful blue eyes shining with a glimpse of sadness in them.

Steve had noticed him looking at Pepper and his refined features were no longer hardened by anger, only a blank rueful expression remained.

"Liberty's fine." Steve said with a shy smile.

Tony's attention was immediately pulled away from Pepper and her elegant green dress and went back to Steve. It shouldn't do something funny with his heart but it did. It fluttered at the deep grumbling voice. It fluttered at the knowledge that Liberty was fine. It was stupid, he already knew she was fine, why wouldn't she be? But hearing it from Steve just loosened something in his chest that had been much too tight for much too long.

"I'm so glad she's well, you know? I really got worried last time. I care about that furry ball. I really do."

Steve's expression melted at his words. The ruefulness gone from his shining blue pools to leave place to a rare fondness. Steve had as much of a marshmallow heart as Tony had, even if both of them knew all too well how to hide it.

"She really is fine. We're both fine. She even comes to work with me sometimes, which is great. We can spend more time together this way."

Tony's heart fluttered again when he saw the innocent smile on the blond's face. His serious focus and melancholic sadness had vanished to reveal the Steve that Tony knew, the one he had slowly discovered during three wonderful days spent with him.

"Oh. Is she with you now? I haven't seen her. I'd love to see her." 

Steve laughed earnestly.

"Really? Cause the last time she saw you she was about to jump on you."

Tony's throat constricted. He did remember very well the way the dog had been growling at him, suddenly very protective of Steve. That was what had made him realize how far he'd gone and how much he'd hurt the man and how much he was regretting it already.

"Really! I swear! I've missed her. And if I were to see her again, I'd definitely explain how much I regret hurting her daddy and I will never do it again." Tony knew Steve had perfectly understood this was addressed to him at the way his eyes widened.  "Hopefully she will forgive me." 

He did hope that Steve could forgive him, which wasn't a done deal yet, far from it. He also hoped to see Liberty again and that she could forgive him too.

Steve's smile dropped and he looked down ashamedly which made Tony's stomach churn. He hated to see that wrong feeling staining Steve's face. Steve should never be ashamed of who he was because he was a wonderful, beautiful person, inside and out, and you didn't even need three days with him to realize that.

"I haven't had the chance to thank you for your wedding gift." Tony tried, plunging his eyes into the blue pools of the young man, trying to soothe the heavy atmosphere between them.

Steve snorted and looked at him slyly. "Did you like it?" He asked with a cocky smile and a mischievous glimpse in his eyes. 

Tony laughed at the surprise change in Steve's attitude. "Sending your test results on my wedding day. Brilliant!"

It _was_ brilliant. Steve was a sly little shit and even knew how to shame Tony without even showing his face, which, in itself, was quite the exploit because Tony was hardly easily shamed. And Tony had felt it, the shame. The shame of hurting Steve, the shame of betraying Pepper. She had been this close to see them. She'd have asked questions, questions Tony wasn't ready to answer, not on their wedding day.

"I knew you'd like that."

"Loved it. Very thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome." The blond grinned. "Oh and don't worry about the pension by the way. False alert."

"What pension?"

"No need to lie to your wife anymore. I lost it."

Usually Tony was quick to understand a joke but he was nervous and tipsy and that little shit could tell you the biggest bullshit of all time with the same freaking straight face and innocent blue eyes he always had.

Tony burst out laughing. As usual, he was too frantic, too loud, too _drunk._

It was a fucking tragedy, his life. A fucking joke. He'd spent those nearly forty years seducing people. His dad first, his dad had been the most difficult one, his mum had been piece of cake in comparison. His teachers, next. Then, the board members. Obie, the shareholders, and the journalists, all those scums who wanted control over him, and... women, so many women, and men too. Forty years of his life seducing, it had become like breathing to him and yet there he was, feeling lost and powerless. His knees shaky reeds, his skin a burning mess, rendered speechless by a shy tall blond with a cute smile and a dry sense of humor. 

Tony felt the urge to know more about this man, to scratch under the surface, to peel his protective armor away and meet the small and sickly kid he knows Steve used to be. The one he'd been able to see a glimpse of, well hidden behind those stern blue eyes. 

_How could he let this man go?_

Steve had the beginning of a grin at the corners of his smug mouth, a naughty grin. It was so easy between the two of them, even after six months without seeing each other. So easy and simple and true and so hard at the same time, so hard to be there next to him. Tony wanted to touch, but he had lost that right. If he ever had it anyway. He still brushed the man's forearm, because Tony had never had much restraint and never pretended to be a good person either.

Steve shivered at the touch and inched back away.

"That's a shame." Tony commented, ignoring Steve's reaction. "It would have given me a good excuse to see you."

Because he could picture it, having a child or Liberty, _something,_ in common with Steve. Being able to see him every week, argue with him on stupid things and find every goddam excuse to come in between him and his boyfriend, get him into trouble. And then go back to his penthouse while they would make up. No, actually no. Tony was very well far away from all that.

Steve's smile softened even though Tony could see he wasn't fooled.

"I would have aborted it anyway." The blond let out in a sigh, his melancholic eyes looking away from Tony. The message was loud and clear and Tony should have left it at that, but he was a fucking leech. He just wouldn't let go. He couldn't. 

"No, you wouldn't." He exclaimed, falsely offended. Or maybe he was a little bit offended, at the plain rejection. It wasn't like Tony had ever been a pro-life guy. Actually he'd never really cared, never felt concerned but weirdly, coming from Steve's mouth, even when they were talking about a non-existant child from a fictitious impractical scenario, those words sounded wrong. He couldn't tell why though. 

Steve turned to him as if surprised Tony would guess that much about him.

"No, I wouldn't." He said in a defeated tone. "I wouldn't do that... if... " _if I was a woman_ he might as well have said. "but I would never ask you for dime. I'd raise them far away from you and never want you to ever meet them."

It hurt. 

It was rightfully deserved, but still, it hurt. Tony had asked for it, he could have let it go but no. He was a freaking masochist and he had to hear it. Even though he was used to rejection, it still fucking _hurt._  

"I can't believe you would abort my child." Tony finally said staring at the city below them. "I would have been a great father. You'd have had everything you needed."

Tony had already had to face false paternity claims. Several times. People were nasty. They were willing to do anything to get a piece of his wealth. It was just his luck he had fallen for the one person who didn't want anything to do with all of this.

He could feel Steve's ardent stare on him, he could feel the anger in those eyes. The restrained anger that never left them the entire time they'd been talking. Steve was angry at him, _still_ angry.

Steve chuckled. "You did realize I am a man, right?"

"I may be drunk but not _that_ drunk, Rogers. Okay let me phrase it again: I can't believe you would actually abort the _idea_ of my child. And by the way, no offense but you would hardly pass for a woman."

"Never had the intention."

"Good." Tony said bluntly, without realizing he sounded harsh. Maybe he was angry too. Maybe he'd been angry all that fucking time.

He turned to Steve and stared into his eyes. The young man was gorgeous with his short blond hair moving in the wind, his piercing hateful blue eyes. His angry pout, his beard. His body too was a piece of art and the slightly molding uniform was just extra bonus. Steve was hardly a woman and Tony had never wanted him to be one. Tony had wanted Steve, just the way he was. Everything of him. He had wanted Steve and his gorgeous cock and his angry pout and his mood swings and his anger and his shy smile and his awkward flirting and everything that made Steve _Steve._ He had wanted Steve and he had wanted Liberty. The whole package. And Steve could have come with a whole bunch of orphan kids he would have wanted that too.

"Good." Steve repeated at least as harshly.

"God, you're infuriating!" Tony let out with a tense smile. It slipped out more aggressively than he had intended to, because the blond _was_ infuriating, because Tony couldn't handle his feelings towards him, because what he felt was too extreme. It was pure lust or acute pain or intense wrath, or maybe something else entirely, but it was impossible to deal with. He was fine when not seeing him but when Steve was there, just there within his grasp, it was just impossible.

"You don't know anything about me." Steve said as if he needed to prove Tony wrong.

"And you pretend to know everything about me." Tony spat through gritted teeth.

"I know enough." 

"Of course you do..." 

Tony was used to people judging him without knowing him. He was used to be labeled a slut or a shallow daddy's boy or an uncaring billionaire asshole, that was his lot for being Tony Stark and making the Front page regularly, but not by Steve. _Not Steve._ Steve had known Tony before he knew Tony Stark. With Steve he'd been honest. He had showed him who he was. Part of it anyway. But that wasn't enough, maybe he _was_ in the end, all the things people said he was. He really wished now he had managed to take Steve for a drink, because he would have very much liked to have a drink right now.

The silence lingered while both of them were staring at the empty gardens below and the city lights nor far away.

"I didn't mean that." The soft deep voice of Steve finally broke the tense quiet between them.

"Didn't mean what?"

"That you're an asshole." 

Tony was the one who searched for Steve's eyes. "You never actually said the word _asshole."_

The blond looked deeply into his eyes, all soft and straightforward at the same time. "I know, but I implied it.  Or at least, that's what you understood, and maybe that was what I _wanted you_ to understand."

"I lost you there..."

Steve smiled, gently. "I know what's going on in your head."

"Oh, you _do?_ Cause I don't think even _I_ actually have any idea of what goes on inside my head right now."

"I may be just a stupid security guard ex-army guy, but I know how you're feeling."

"Good to know. Can you help me with that, then?"

Steve chuckled and looked away again."You caught me off guard. I didn't think you would actually _hire_  me. I never thought I'd see you again and then I knew it was you and... and I saw you and it all came back."

"I'm sorry." 

"Never mind that now."

Steve straightened himself and cleared his throat, lost in his thoughts. What more was there to say? And then he spoke again, still watching the emptiness before them pensively. 

"You know, I wish you _were_ an asshole..." He continued, then paused.  "I wish... I could tell myself that you're the asshole, that I'm the good guy, the innocent bloke who got abused by a scumbag. That would make things so much easier, no place for doubts and I like things to be simple. I hate gray, I hate uncertainty. I like things to be black or white, but it's not like that. It's never like that, and that would be dishonest. It would be not taking responsibility for this."

Steve paused for a moment and stared at his nails, trying to focus his attention on something else maybe and then he went on. "We _both_ made a mistake that day, and we both reacted differently to it and you hurt me, I won't lie. You were mean for no reason. Or maybe you had your reasons, who knows. You treated me like shit, or at least that's what _I_ felt but then... Maybe I did too. Maybe it means we shouldn't see each other anymore. I don't know. But It was just one day, one particular situation and one mistake... One mistake doesn't make someone a bad person. I know you're not an asshole Tony. You know, maybe I don't approve of a lot of the things you do- _did,_ whatever. Maybe I'm a little judgmental sometimes, but who am I really to judge you? It doesn't change a thing in the end. We're both people who should have never met and we're both trying to get on with our lives."

Tony swallowed and took some time to process everything that had been said to him. Where should he start? What could he say to this?

"I _wanted_ to hurt you." He finally says, because that much was true at least, even though he wasn't sure anymore when exactly it had been true. Somehow he thought he owed Steve the truth. "I don't know... I didn't mean to at first, but then I got angry I don't know why and I wanted _you_ to hurt, like _I_ hurt. And then I saw the tears in your eyes and it's been haunting me ever since."

Steve pained expression came back as he listened to his every word. A mix of regrets and sympathy and resignation maybe. And then he turned back to the emptiness and let silence linger between them, filled with unsaid things and unresolved tension. 

 

"I almost addressed it to the both of you, you know?" He said with a serious tone. "The gift I mean..."

Tony turned in surprise to meet Steve's serious stern expression. He looked at his profile where a soft tender smile was starting while he stared into space.

"I wanted to hurt you too is what I mean." He continued. "Part of me relished in imagining the face she would make when she saw and the one you would make when she asked you. But then I decided it wasn't up to me to tell her what you did."

 "So is this where I'm supposed to be grateful?" Tony asked, without really meaning it. "You could have, though. Maybe that would have made things easier..."

Steve looked at him confusedly. He raised an eyebrow in wonder and asked. "What do you mean 'easier'?"

"Nothing..." Tony answered in defeat and sighed as he lost himself in memories of his wedding day.

The awful week that he had been living previously. All the stress culminating until he couldn't breathe anymore. And Steve, who had occupied all his thoughts during that week and who still occupied them that morning, and had been in his head for the past six months. Steve, who had felt so good, so pure and so entrancing under him. And that plain enveloped with the name 'Tony' written on it. For a tiny second Tony had thought Steve was reaching to him, saving him from this marriage, stopping him before he made the mistake. For a teeny tiny second Tony had thought he would read Steve's words of love. Why would he? Steve hadn't loved Tony. They had only met for three days and he had managed to solely show him the ugliest part of his personality.

Still, he had hoped.

And then he had opened that envelope. And there it was, the list of Steve's blood analysis for every STDs you could possibly ever be tested for and he was, just how Tony suspected, as clean as a whistle.

He still hurt at the memory of the note Steve had left with it. ' _Enjoy your wedding night_.' It hurt because every time he thought of it he could hear Steve's angry and bitter voice spitting those words and he remembered the pain in his eyes, the anger firing up and Liberty about to jump for his throat. He knew he had broken his heart that day. He had seen it and had never felt that much of an asshole before. It shouldn't matter what a guy like Steve felt, he barely knew him, he only saw him for three days, but it did. It mattered. Hurting Steve had made him feel as sick as seeing his name on the weapons who killed American soldiers. He never wanted to feel that way again.

"I never meant all the things I said to you that night." Tony continued. "About you, about Sam. I want you to know that." 

"I know you didn't." Steve said with a tender smile. A smile of forgiveness almost, or at least of understanding. "I'm over it, Tony." 

They remained silent for a moment but this time, it was no longer heavy. Something had appeased the atmosphere between them. Silences were never awkward between. Silences were comforting, despite the on and off tension going on between them. Despite everything, Tony always felt good in Steve's presence and by the way the other man seemed to relax next to him, he liked to dream it was the same thing for him.

 

"How _is_ Sam by the way?" Tony finally asked after a few minutes.  

Steve chuckled mirthlessly while shaking his head exasperatedly. "Sam and I broke up before we ever got the chance to move in together."

The news went straight to Tony's heart and pierced it like an arrow. It almost cut his breathing short. A nano second later Tony had already imagined himself getting Steve back. His heart started racing. _Fucking heart!_ _Stop giving me hope, for fuck sake_.

"I'm sorry to hear that." He said unconvincingly and it sounded false even to his own ear. Tony _tried_ to be sorry. He really did, but nope. He wasn't. Not the slightest. Did that make him a bad person? Probably not. Although, the way he had treated Steve that day, maybe.

Steve giggled hysterically and relaxed against the railing, forearms resting on the iron bar. "Really?" He asked, clearly unconvinced by Tony's acting performance.

"Absolutely, I'm shaken. How did that happen?" He asked with false sympathy and bit of irony.

"I told him we fucked." Steve said bluntly, staring at the empty night before them. "He didn't particularly appreciate."

Tony laughed -crudity always sounded weird coming out of Steve's mouth- but past the surprise, he searched his eyes, only to find defiance in them.

"Only you, would think this was a good idea." He joked. 

The blond turned to him, glaring furiously.

"Well, I wouldn't be able to live with the alternative." He said with a genuinely sincere and serious expression. "I believe in honesty in a relationship but I guess it can be a little unsettling for someone like you." 

"Someone like me." He repeated, a tinge of bitterness in his voice. He hadn't meant to sound so bitter but he couldn't help it. 

Steve turned his face to him at that, regretting his hurtful words for a moment, but he probably changed his mind because he looked back in front of him and smiled. A smile Tony didn't really decipher. "Did you tell her?" 

"She knows." Tony said in a sigh.

"But you _didn't_ tell her."

"I do believe in honesty in a relationship too, Steve," he almost shouted angrily, "whether you believe it or not. I'm just... not that good at relationships."

Steve dropped the act. He looked sheepish for a moment and then smiled again. A mirthless smile. "Seems to me you've done well for yourself so far though."

"If you say so..." Tony said, with a resignation he didn't want to accept.

"Well you're the one who's married, right?" Steve insisted with so much judgement in voice that it made Tony feel nauseous. He turned to him and saw that same mirthless smile that felt disgusting on Steve's face and was angry again.

"You said you were over it but you're not over it, _right?"_

Steve stared, mouth open, but remained silent. 

"Why are you showing me so much hostility? All I wanted was to clear the air between us and see how you're doing and all you've been doing so far is spit your anger and bitterness to my face. You're infuriating! Actually, you've been infuriating ever since I laid eyes on you."

Maybe he was a little too harsh in his tone. He didn't think he yelled though, but maybe he did. Steve did though. He yelled and his eyes were darkened with spite and rage. "Well I'm sorry but I could easily throw your words back at you! I didn't ask you anything! I'm just working, so _fuck off_!"

 _Shit._  

How did it turn sour so easily?

They were fucking doomed. Doomed to an eternal conflictual relationship and conflicted feelings about it. There was nothing that Tony wanted more than kissing Steve right now. Kissing him, biting his plumps lips, sliding his tongue inside and licking Steve's, shoving his tongue down Steve's throat and make him shut up, and make him melt under him like he had the last time, making him his. 

The baby blues glaring at him had fires burning in them and Tony was much too drunk and his head was spinning.

He grabbed the railing and rested his head in his other hand because he felt weak suddenly, as all his blood seemed to rush to his head. He focused on his breathing for a moment until he felt a warm hand pressing on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"Tony, are you okay?" The calm and concerned voice asked.

He inhaled the fresh air one last time and pushed the hand away. "I'm fine. You're right. We've obviously got nothing to say to each other so I'm gonna go, get back to my pregnant wife and live my happily-ever-after life. It was nice catching up with you. Take care Steve." He said while walking away from the man who was making his heart race like a fucking oil pump before he make it explode in his chest. 

"Tony wait" He heard distantly before he felt the warm hand catching his own cold one.

"I didn't mean to say that." Steve's apologetic voice said behind him. "I know I'm angry. I've been for while. For all my life maybe. It's getting worse since I've left the army. It's like a catalyzer. It needs to get out now. I was glad to know how you were doing too, you know."

Tony turned around and the anger was gone from Steve face and their eyes locked into each other's and they remained like this, holding hands innocently and staring at each other until Steve started smiling again. His nice honest smile. The smile that had made Tony's heart melt. 

"Did you just say Pepper's pregnant?"

"hum... yeah?"

Steve's smile grew wider. 

"That's... That's great Tony." He said softly and genuinely happy. "I'm err.. I'm really happy for you. Congratulation!"

Tony snorted. "Thanks." He said, unable to avoid the self-deprecating tone.

"This is amazing. This is what you wanted."

"Is it?"

Steve wrapped his strong arms around him and patted his back in a manly hug. "I'm so glad." He whispered and released Tony as quickly.

"I'm uh... Yeah. I guess so." Tony mumbled not knowing exactly what to say to that. "And what about you? Seeing anyone?"

Steve smiled genuinely again and his eyes twinkled slyly, and it made Tony's heart skip a bit. Steve had the cutest smile, ever, and he wanted to make him smile again. He wanted to make Steve smile for the rest of his life.

"I really wish I could have said yes and rubbed my happiness to your face, but no. I'm still single." He admitted with a self-deprecating tone. "I've met a few guys though, not many, but it never went further than the bedroom..."

Tony laughed wholeheartedly. _Steve... Honest and good-hearted Steve._ _How come he let him go? How come he let this guy slip through h_ _is fingers? How did he manage to screw things up with him so badly?_  "You could have lied."

"I'm not a good liar. You'd have smelled the fish..." Steve said, smiling.

"The bedroom is nice, too. We only made it to couch." Tony joked and Steve snorted. "Do you still have you prepaid phone? Or you actually decided to live in the twenty-first century?"

Steve threw him a sidelong look and smiled provocatively. "You know I was only ten when we actually changed centuries." 

"Touche"

"I have a new phone but... don't like those apps much. I think it lacks authenticity."

Tony smiled internally while thinking about Steve's cuteness. He, for one, didn't lack authenticity. He was all so honest and genuine and Tony wanted to kiss him again. "Of course, you would be the one looking for the guy wearing the plaid shirt and posing in the woods next to a dog." 

"I don't think I'm ready to get back to that kind of committed relationship yet. I need to work on myself first."

"That's funny for the guy who went straight to commitment after he discovered his orientation."

"And it _didn't_ work out." Steve let out harshly. "I don't know what I'm doing. Waiting I guess."

"Waiting for what?"

"I don't know, the right guy..."

"I still picture you in the wood with plaid shirt guy, Liberty and your 2.3 kids."

Steve laughed his head off while clutching the railing with his two hands and Tony thought Steve was absolutely gorgeous when he laughed. "Well, I'm not so sure about that."

"Why not?"

"Sounds like some else's life."

"Sounds _exactly_ like your life."

"The perfect guy, the farm in the woods, the kids... It feels so out of reach. I'm not even sure this is really what I want."

"But you'd like kids one day right?"

"I don't know. I think I gave up on the idea long ago. Being in the military and everything, seeing Bucky's girls orphaned before they could remember their own dad. Maybe unconsciously I already knew I would never be able to have kids of my own."

"You can be gay and have kids Steve. It's not incompatible."

"Sure... But you'll need a partner for that, a stable life. Stability in your head too."

Tony rolled his eyes but it broke his heart, because those words could have come out of his own mouth just as well. This is how he had felt his whole life. And he had waited and waited until it was too fucking late. Steve couldn't give up like this. Steve couldn't be giving up on his life, on his happiness so easily, so _early._ Tony couldn't stand it.

"You're talking like an old man..." He sighed. "You thirty for fuck's sake! What hopes are left for me then?" Steve looked at him, astonished.  "You have your whole life ahead of you and you're acting like you're waiting for death to come and pick you up! Living in a shithole, stuck in a dead end job--" 

"There's nothing wrong with my job." Steve interrupted angrily. "It pays the bill and I like it. I'm not _inferior_ because you _pay_ for my services! Fuck you! Fuck you and your money and your condescending advice."

Tony's anger deflated like a balloon. "That's _not_ what I meant... You could... go back to school, study arts, paint, work in gallery -I don't know- do _something_ of your life. What future are you hoping to have in security business? I could have helped you. Sell the book and you'll have enough money for tuition and three years of rent and food. I don't even understand why you didn't do it yet."

"I don't give a shit about your money, Tony. Keep it all. Keep your money and your guilt and condescendance. I don't wanna have anything to do with it and it's people like you who make me hate arts. I don't wanna study arts. I don't wanna work in a gallery. I don't wanna paint absurdities and convince people like you it's conceptual and lick their boots until they spend a life-worth salary on a piece of shit so they can tell themselves they're supporting artists. I'd rather be a security guard and paint for myself. But you'll never understand that, would you?"

"You're right. I'll never understand that."

Tony sighed resignedly in the silence of the night. Every time he held an olive branch to Steve he took it with a smile only break it away and scatter the pieces away. Each minute spent with Steve was a fucking roller coaster and his smile was undecipherable and he was so fucking close, so close and remained so desperately out of Tony's grasp. Unreachable. Tony had lost him. He had lost everything, lost the battle before it even began.

They remained silent for a while, until the tension eased up again. And then Steve turned to Tony, eyes intensely fixed on him and he opened his mouth to say something but remained silent. Everything had been said anyway. He just kept staring deeply into Tony's eyes, like nothing else mattered, like they were alone in the universe. 

Tony instinctively grabbed the blonde's wrist and ran his thumb up and down the soft skin of his forearm. Steve shuddered and sighed at the touch, as if he were touched for the first time. Their eyes locked together again and Tony lost himself there. They weren't smiling anymore and Tony swore he saw Steve's lips tremble and he saw desire in his blue eyes. His pretty eyes that had caught Tony's attention since day one. Steve was so close, so close to him now and the anger fired his body up and consumed them both.

He couldn't let go, of Steve's wrist, he couldn't and Steve did nothing to take it back. He kept staring into his eyes, his mouth hesitating and shivering in the cold of the night. Steve wasn't cold though, he was burning up and Tony could feel his pulse accelerating. Those plump reddish lips, hidden behind that nicely groomed beard, that soft skin... Tony wanted to touch, _needed_ to touch. He needed to feel the wetness of those lips, he needed to feel Steve's heart beating as fast as his own and like a magnet Tony was pulled towards him, unable to do anything about it. Steve was so close, barely inches away from him, and their lips were almost touching now, so close he could feel his breath on him. 

"Tony what are you doing?" The blonde interrupted and inched back. "Pepper is just inside, a few feet away from us. Why would you do that?"

Steve had broken the spell and was staring into his eyes with a confused face. Tony felt the cold of the night suddenly and wiped his hands on his face to try to get back the reality, _his_ reality. 

"I'm sorry." He mumbled into his hands. "I think I'm drunker than I thought. I don't know what's gotten into me."

"Obviously! You've got a beautiful, brillant wife. A baby on the way. Why would you do that? Why would you jeopardize all that?"

"It's you... I can't get you out of my head."

He'd spend the last year lying to himself. About himself, about Pepper, about Steve... And now that Steve was there in front of him, blue eyes all angry and innocent, he couldn't lie anymore. He couldn't pretend anymore. He had thought Pepper could give him what he needed. He had thought he wanted a family but it wasn't true. Tony wanted a family, with Steve. He wanted Steve. He wanted Steve and Liberty and maybe it was just a dream, a fantasy. Maybe it would fade as soon as it came when he get to know him but for now it was all he could think about, everything he wanted. 

He knew it was stupid. He was an asshole, an old failure, what could he offer him?  The only thing he had, Steve didn't want.

"Tony?"

"I was ready to give it up you know. For you. For you, I would have given _everything_ up."

"You don't even know me."

"You don't know me either, and yet you're so quick to judge me."

"Go back to your wife, Tony." Steve said exasperatedly. "Go back to your wife and kid and leave me alone once and for all. You don't want me... and I don't need you. I don't need your help. I don't need your money. I don't need your pity or your sympathy. Forget about it."

"Don't tell me what I want for my life, Steve. You have no fucking clue." Tony shouted angrily.

"This isn't about what _you_ want anymore. You're gonna be a dad soon. Sooner than you'll realize and I get that you're scared about it but stop messing people around." 

"Fine, if this is what you want."

"None of this is what I want. Do you think I like it? Having to work for you? Seeing you here with your wife happily married. No matter what I feel or feel not about you. You're living a lie. Your marriage is based on a lie and I'm the reason for it."

"Okay. I got it. Can I at least see Liberty one last time?"

Steve laughed defeatedly and collapsed onto the railing in resignation. "You never let go, don't you?" He stated with a broad smile.

"Persistance is one of my best quality."

"You should get a dog yourself." 

"I hate dogs. Lib's an exception. I'm a cat person."

"You're so not."

"Okay, then I'm a bot person."

"You love dogs."

"Maybe I do."

"I can't believe Pepper didn't think of making you buy one already."

"Well... Pepper loves dogs. On pictures only. They like eating shoes, you know..."

"Don't you think you should go back to her, now?"

"Oh no. Pepper's fine by herself. We get to be together all the time. She's actually grateful to get rid of me for a few hours. I tend to be a little annoying sometimes...."

"Oh really? How unexpected! How is she by the way?"

"Great! She's great. She's starting showing already."

"I can't believe that you and her are going to have a baby together."

"Oh, I never said it was mine."

"What?"

Steve froze as if time had stopped and the only thing that could tell Tony it hadn't was the whole range of emotions that crossed his deep blue eyes.

"The baby's not mine." Tony repeated slowly and loudly.

"The.. but... I don't understand." 

"There's nothing to understand. We both realized that we worked better as friends than as lovers so... We're filing for divorce."

It could have been funny if Tony wasn't heartbroken, the way Steve was slowed down by confusion. Tony could see his cheeks burning red under his beard and an expression he couldn't really decipher in his eyes. 

"Tony I... I'm so-sorry..."

"It's okay. I should have seen this coming. We've never worked as lovers before. Why would I ever think that a piece of paper would change things?"

"But I ... I thought you wanted a family. You must be... You must be..."

"Must be what? devastated? bitter? jealous? angry? resigned?"

"That's not what..."

"It's okay Steve. I'm not feeling any of those things because of what happened with Pepper. I'm actually very happy for her and Happy (yeah, it's Happy, my chauffeur. Should have seen this coming, really...) Anyway, it's not what you think. There wasn't any betrayal. It's... I'm not bitter about how everything turned out. I'm glad and relieved. I always wanted for her to be happy and then I somehow got into my head that I should be the one who would make it happen, turned out it wasn't me. And I'm actually relieved that it wasn't."

He paused to look at Steve's reaction, he was listening with all his attention, a glimpse of worry in his eyes. He cleared his throat and continued.

"I'm bitter though, and jealous, and angry... I'm bitter because I had a second shot at something that could have been amazing and I blew it. And so fucking angry at myself for it. And I'm jealous. I'm jealous of Sam, of your friends, your colleagues, all the people that get to see you on a regular basis. I'm jealous of the relationship you have with Lib. I felt like I was almost part of it once and now I miss it. This was the closest thing I had of a family and I want that again. So badly."

He looked at Steve again whose face was loosing countenance as he listened to him.  "I'm not devastated," he explained "I just feel miserable about the way I treated you but I can live with that. I've lived with my guilt for years now. A little bit more won't change things."

"Why didn't you say that earlier?" He asked, voice hoarse with regrets.

"Would it have changed things?"

"No bu--"

Steve stopped, probably because he realized it would hurt Tony even more and turned towards the room inside where Pepper was still talking with Rhodey, then he looked back at Tony.

"Did she tell you what she told me when she brought me your gift?" He brought up suddenly, out of nowhere and his voice was cold again, cold and angry and maybe a little bit wary.

"Yes."

"Is that why you hired me?"

"What?"

"Do you think I'm stupid? You know, I could have let it go when my boss asked me to work here... I'm way over qualified for this. I don't do that kind of job anymore. And when I asked him about it he told me the client required me personally and that he paid three times the price for it."

Tony let escape a nervous laugh. This was really the weirdest night of his life.

"If you knew me as much as you pretend to, you'd know that I'm never the one who organizes those things, I don't even plan them. I spend all my time in my workshop and sometimes I agree to do what I'm told to for the sake of this company, like tonight." He said bitterly. "I didn't come here to fight with you, Steve. I haven't planned any of this. You think I've come here with a scheme or something? Do you think I meant to lead you on. I'm just lost. I'm lost and confused and I don't know how to act with you. I don't control anything when I'm with you. I just wanted a drink, for old times's sake. I didn't expect anything. I saw you, a glimpse of you, at the beginning of the party and thought it was destiny or something. I just... I couldn't _not_ talk to you."

Steve had walked back a few steps and leaned against the railings, looking down but listening attentively still.

"You know," Tony explained because he needed to let it out now. "there was a time when I was allowed to touch you. It didn't last long and I realized it much too late... But now you're in front of me and I can't and it's killing me. You shattered my world, Steve. You broke down every wall I built, you ruined all my principles, everything I thought I wanted became obsolete--" 

Steve raised his head awkwardly and showed an embarrassed face. "I don't know what to say to this." He said with an apologetic face.

"Then don't say anything."

"I mean I... I knew. I knew I was gonna work for you tonight, and I knew you'd asked-someone had-for me specifically. And uh... I don't know what I expected by coming here really." Steve looked down pensively but a smile started to show on his face. "Nothing like this that's for sure..."

"Does that mean it's a 'yes' for that drink after all?" 

Steve chuckled but still avoided his gaze.

"You know when-after, after you left my flat that night, I read you letter. And it changed everything. And then it didn't. It didn't matter. Maybe it would have changed things if I'd seen it and read it before I left your place. Maybe I would have gotten into that car then, come to that date you'd planned for me. But now... " he paused and looked up to meet Tony's eyes. "Nothing good could have come out of this. We're too different. We don't belong in the same world. You marry CEOs, you live in a Penthouse in Manhattan, you spend your vacations on yachts, eat at fancy restaurants and drink champagne that cost more money I would ever have in my entire life. I just want a man and a two-room apartment in Brooklyn and a job that pays enough for that."

"What makes you think I don't want the same thing?"

Steve turned his face to him and plunged his baby blues into his eyes, a coy smile at the corner of his mouth and a mischievous glimpse in the pool of his eyes. And oh, how Tony really liked his beard. Why hadn't he liked it before? 

"You realize that we've been fighting for the past hour? Everything we do is _argue,_ can't you see that? We've been together for only a few days and all we did was fight--"

"And fuck."

"That isn't what makes a relationship work."

"No, but it felt good, didn't it?" The blond smiled again while his cheeks reddened embarrassedly. "Wasn't it the best sex you've ever had? It was for me."

Steve was hiding a wide smile looking down under the city lights. Tony could see him blushing though as clearly as he could see his lips forming a silent 'yes.'

It was a joke but Tony had never been as serious. It had felt more than good, it had felt _right._

"I can't promise you that it will work between us. I can't promise you we won't be tired of each other after a week. I can't promised you we'll be happy ever after. I can only tell you what I want now."

Steve was still leaning on the railing and the wind was blowing in his hair and it moved slightly under the city lights. He was holding himself on the railing, hands behind and his attention was now entirely focused on Tony, hung up on every word. His eyes were shining it the dark of the night, deep and intense, full of promises and expectations and he had never been as handsome as tonight, within his grasp and so out of reach at the time.

"I want so many things." Tony breathed out and it came from his heart. "I want to kiss you. I want to touch you, _badly._ I wanna shred that sexy uniform off of you. I wanna put my hands on your body and I wanna touch you everywhere, I wanna brush my fingers on every inches of your skin and I wanna lick you all over, I wanna grab your hair and I want to fuck you. Right here, right now on that balcony, against that railing. I wanna fuck you here and I wanna fuck you on your couch, and on your bed and everywhere in your apartment and I want you to fuck me too. I want you to pound into me like the world is ending, like we've got nothing to lose anymore. And I want to be interrupted by Liberty jumping on our bed. And I want to walk her in the park and hold your hand and I want to fight over breakfast..."

The blond opened his mouth slightly and his lips shivered.

"What is it that _you_ want?" Tony asked him.

"I don't know what I want." Steve muttered, voice husky and coarse as if the words were stuck in his throat.

"I'm only offering you a drink, Steve Rogers." Tony said with a wink. "And maybe that drink will turn into a date. And maybe that date will turn into mind-blowing sex. And Maybe it will end there, maybe I'm crazy to think that you'd want me as much as I want you. Maybe it's all in my head. I don't know. But maybe... Maybe it will turn into something more, something real, tangible, something beautiful... Isn't it worth the shot?"

Steve remained silent but kept staring at Tony, eyes intense on him, considering everything he'd just said and then he bit his lips and something dark shone in his eyes. Tony had laid his heart bare in front of him like he'd never done with anyone else before but Steve remained impassive. He looked at his watch and pouted and then looked at Tony again with an embarrassed look in his eyes.

"I need to report to my team." He said while biting his lips again. "I'll be done in fifteen minutes."

Tony let out a relieved laugh and watched him walk inside silently while he felt like a huge weigh had been lifted off his shoulders.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I'm seeing the end of the tunnel. Last chapter is almost finished. Thanks to all of you who kept reading despite it all and left nice messages in the comments. I hope you liked this chapter.


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone. Here, finally, the last chapter (long overdue) of this story. I'm sorry it took me so long but I did it! I tried my best.  
> Hope you enjoy it!!!

Steve buries his head in the crook of the older man's arm and snuggles against him with a satisfied hum. Tony is staring into space, lids half-closed with a sated smile on his face

Liberty is still sulking at the corner of their hotel room and looks at Steve hesitatingly with wide-open pleading eyes, trying to judge if it's a good or bad time to sneak into the bed and snuggle with her two daddies. She hasn't liked to be told off the bed even though she knows very well that she might sometimes be tolerated on the bed but absolutely not when they are doing other things than just sleep and she was never allowed on any bed when they weren't at home. That means two reasons why she was told off the bed.

Steve ignores her. Sometimes they need alone time together without worrying about Liberty. Sometimes he wonders if she isn't taking too much place in their hearts. She's like a daughter, they both love her very much, but she is still a dog. 

Steve's mind wanders towards an imaginary life with real children. Would it be possible for them? Even if it's relatively accepted by most today, they are still both men and Tony isn't getting any younger and do they really want kids anyway? Isn't Liberty enough of a family to them?

His fingers fiddle with the few hairs on the chest of his lover and trace lines on the deep scars marking his dark olive skin. Steve loves these scars, not that he has a scar-fetish or anything but they are a constant reminder of what makes Tony the man he is today, the man Steve fell in love with almost four years of ago, the man he is still falling in love with, again and again.

This is one of those moments. When Steve is falling for Tony all over again.

It isn't always easy. Sometimes he irritates him. Sometimes Steve wonders why he's ever thought they were a good thing. Sometimes living with a man with so much baggage is too much for him. Sometimes his own baggage is too much to handle and it seems like he is drowning. And then they fuck like they just did and everything just seems easy and obvious and unquestionable.

They are meant for each other. 

His fingers trace lines down the older man's stomach where the proof of their recent activity stains the grayish hairs running down his navel. Both their semens mingled and drying on the warm skin of his man. Steve smiles at the memory. Tony screamed as he reached orgasm, like he always does, spending himself on his stomach while Steve was pounding into him. He always feels proud when he makes Tony scream. Nothing has ever been as rewarding as making his man come undone and no one has ever shown him as much gratitude as Tony's eyes convey.

This is another proof of them belonging to each other. Everything just clicks and sex is such an evidence, and everything else fits perfectly. 

Steve brushes his fingers down Tony's spent cock and regrets they don't have time for another round. He wants to feel Tony inside of him too. 

He touches his own half-hard cock with his free hand and kisses the older man's neck while whispering loving words in his ears.

Tony mumbles indecipherable words and turns slightly on his shoulder to cup Steve's cheek into his free hand and kiss him sloppily. "Love you too." He blows on Steve's mouth, making him shiver.

"We should get prepared." Steve finally says, regretfully. He would definitely spend the rest of the day like this, but they are in this hotel room for a reason and they have a busy day ahead.

Tony only hums in agreement but sounds like he is thinking the exact same thing Steve is thinking. 

Steve is the first one to actually move and starts to get up. Being the only reasonable and sensible person in this room he figures he has to do something about it or they would really spend the day in bed and that isn't an option.

He is already showered and almost done dressing up when he wakes up Tony from his reveries. He bends over him and whispers Tony's name lovingly at first. Then he insists a bit more. "Tony, come on. Wake up."

A muffled negative is mumbled as a response.

"Come on, babe. We're gonna be late."

"I don't wanna go." The childish brunette whines.

"Don't be stupid please. Everyone's waiting for us."

"Let them wait. And don't call me babe. I'm twice your age."

Steve chuckles. Tony always jokes about their age difference but Steve never really thinks about it, besides, most of the time he feels like the older one. He knows Tony is much older. He can see the marks of aging on his face, on his body, on his skin, in the way he acts sometimes, but he doesn't really notice it. 

"Not quite."

"Come back to bed. Let's fuck again. I feel empty without you." Tony moans and Steve's cock twitches at the sound. This is tempting. Absolutely tempting. And Tony is a fucking tease. He knows exactly how to fire Steve up and it works, every time. But they have something important to do, they are expected and not showing is unthinkable and even being late isn't an option. 

"Don't do that. Everyone will be waiting. Come on."

Tony straightens up, grumbling, and stretches his arms.

"Why should we do this anyway? We already made the mistake once. Why repeating it? Marriage is so overrated anyway."

Steve clears his throat. "hum hum, _you_ did, you mean."

"Same thing."

"It's _not_ the same. We're celebrating true love this time. It's beautiful and romantic."

"I hate romantic."

"Come on. We both know you have a sappy heart. Get started. We can't be late for this."

"I'm always late. Being late is my thing. No-one's actually expecting me to _be_ on time."

"No. But everyone is actually hoping you would."

"True."

"Pepper's gonna flip out."

"Also true." 

Tony finally gets off the bed and heads for the shower. Steve uses the time to cuddle with Liberty and whisper sorries in her standing ears. Steve always feels a little guilty every time they push her away when they need alone time together. He knows perfectly well she is just a dog but he can't help it and anyway, he knows Tony feels guilty at least as much as he does, so it is quite alright he thinks.

Tony is taking his time so Steve starts preparing her for the ceremony. Today is her day too. She needs to be perfect. 

When the older man finally gets out of the shower, grumbling, Liberty is sitting proudly, all bright and shiny next to Steve. She too has been given hair and body care for the special occasion.

Steve looks at his lover while tying his cufflinks. Tony is hot like that, water dripping down his firm muscles. He may be close to fifty but he still is in very good shape and the contrast of the white towel enclosing perfectly his round ass with the dark of his glistening olive skin makes him look even more attractive than usual. Or maybe it is the memory of Steve's cock thrusting into that ass that makes Tony look beautiful. Or maybe it is the atmosphere, the upcoming wedding ceremony, the feeling of love all around, but Steve has never wanted to make Tony his and officially make an honest man out him as much as today.

"Why are we doing this again? Besides, I hate white. It's such a cliche. We should just bail out."

Steve chuckles. "You know we can't."

"I know." Tony says with a soft voice. "I promised you, and you know I always keep my promises."

"Get dressed now. We're this close to be late for this." Steve cuts, a little harsher than he means. He feared for half a second that he has been too harsh --he tends to do that sometimes-- until he saw the corner of his lover's mouth turn up and a twinkle scintillating in his eye. 

"I love how bossy you get with me, _boy."_ Tony says with a kinky twinkle in his eye and then whispers slowly while sticking the tip of his tongue out. "Turns me on."

Steve rolls his eyes, on principle, but feels a warm wave pooling inside. "Put your clothes on." He whispers back.

"I'd rather you take yours off."

Tony is one disapproving frown away from getting what he wants from Steve but he manages to keep his cool and Tony changes tactics.

"White isn't even my color." He grumbles. "Why do we have to wear white?"

"Pepper chose?"

"Pepper has great taste. She just wants everyone else to look awful."

"Stop whining. White is gorgeous on you. It brings out your complexion."

"Brings out my wrinkles, you mean.  White isn't _anyone's_ color."

Steve smiles at that. "Don't I look good in white?" He asks, voice a little raw and husky, while he rolls slowly around on his heels. After all those years Steve has grown more confident, he isn't the hesitant, freshly out of the closet, shy and clumsy guy he used to be when he met Tony for the first time. He has learned how to seduce the man he loves and he knows he will score, as much as he knows how hot he looks in his white tuxedo.

Tony turns his eyes on Steve and stops there, mouth open. A sparkle of lust runs across those eyes. The raw desire of his man makes Steve feel hot suddenly and a shiver runs down his spine. Tony looks at him like a starving man in front of a juicy steak. He should feel offended to be treated like a piece of meat, he never does though. He would let Tony's eyes devour him all day long if he could.

"You'd even look good in a clown costume, dear."

"Everyone hates clown."

"My point, exactly. Besides, isn't it bad luck to see each other before the ceremony?"

"I'm not the _bride_." Steve retorts, while smiling at the idea. "Come on. Happy's waiting for you."

"I got it, _boss._  I _am_ getting dressed."

The brunette jumps around and presses his warm body against Steve. His arms embrace the bulk of him and he takes advantage of a surprised Steve to press their lips together.

It is a long, tender and loving kiss and Steve decides he will definitely make an honest man out of him.

Tony is dressed up in less time Steve needed to get over the languorous kiss the genius gave him. He is still amazed at how easily it is for  Tony to get back into those shoes, even after three years away from this world. Tony is stunning, in a white tux or in a tank top all the same.

They make it in time in the end, barely, but in time.

Steve is standing nervously in front of the arch. He isn't used to being in the spotlight but it comes with his responsibility. He tries to avoid the crowd's stare by looking at the decoration. It is a small wedding, simple. Close friends and family only. He and Pepper have really outdone themselves. It is absolutely perfect. The arch mounted on wild wood sticks is decorated with sober and elegant taste, just like Pepper's. The flowers are subtle and beautifully arranged. It all blends sublimely with the magnificent garden they have chosen as location. The timing too, is perfect and the light of the sunset on the lake is absolutely breathtaking. Steve looks around and admires their work one last time. It is absolutely perfect. He feels good in this place. It feels right. Everything feels right and it is the best place to celebrate love, he thinks.

He tries his best to ignore the more or less thirty people out there looking at him. Steve knows them all but he still feels out of place, somehow, like he doesn't belong. He feels like that sometimes, like he doesn't deserve Tony. He shivers at the cold of his sweat dripping down his back and damping his shirt down to his shaking hands. He dares a look on his left side. Tony is focused, as usual, standing opposite to him. He is absolutely stunning, perfect like everything else. His eyes are staring far away, as if he is always seeing further than everyone else does. Tony has always been grander that the rest of the world. _He's mine_ Steve thinks while his mind gets blinded with memories of before, of Tony undone under him. _I want him to be mine, forever_.

The genius suddenly loses his focus as if he felt Steve's eyes on him and he turns his head slightly toward his younger lover. His face brightens with the laugh lines at the corner of his mouth and the twinkle in his eyes. Steve loves Tony's laugh lines, he loves the lines at the corner of his eyes, he loves the gray strands of hair, he loves his piercing dark eyes. He loves his hands in perpetual motion. He loves everything about Tony.

The brunette's eyes locks into his and something happens. For a moment, a very short moment, it is just them. It is just the two of them standing there under the arch in the middle of these beautiful gardens. Just the two of them on their special day. Just them in the middle of the whispers and subtle laughters. Just them in the soft warm afternoon breeze. Just them and the sun reflecting on the water. Just them and no one else, no officiant breathing heavily next to them, no Happy, no Natasha by their sides, just them and it is all very solemn. As if it was just them and God, blessing their union. 

It is just a short moment, and Steve has promised himself he wouldn't get emotional but he can help the fluttering in his chest when he looks at the man who could be his husband one day. It isn't fair. He palpates the little box through the fabric of his pocket. There they are, waiting for the big moment, symbol of the promise of something even greater for them.  

Tony grins at him and Steve grins back and all the stress flattens down and ebbs away. It isn't his place to stress out for this day. As much as he wants it to be, today isn't his day. Not yet anyway.

He gets his head back together and straightens his back, his hands joined in front of him. It is a beautiful day and the warm breeze on the lake gives it a hallowed atmosphere. The sound of the wind blowing in the leaves mingles with the music announcing the Bride.

Pepper is absolutely gorgeous in her rose petal boho dress. Always so subtle and elegant. Each of her steps has the light fabric undulate like soft waves. The fluidity of her dress underlines her slim silhouette and the pale color highlights her deep blue eyes and her strawberry blond hair which are beautifully tied into a loose bun with matching flowers, fitting perfectly in like everything else. 

She reminds him of the first time they met. When he felt insignificant next to her. When he wrongly thought she was better for Tony. They were fitting so perfectly together and yet, they weren't. They weren't meant for each other, because Tony is meant for him. They belong together and that's it.

He looks at Tony and his hand reaches out for him on its own but Tony is too far away. His lover wasn't paying attention anyway. He is subjugated by the woman whom he'd been in love with once. Both him and Happy are under her spell. Steve ignores Natasha behind him making comments with only the roll of eyes. He ignores Happy, Pepper's future husband, melting like warm chocolate on his feet and giggling nervously. He focuses on Tony and the look of amazement in his eyes. Tony in his white tuxedo, so handsome in the warm, late afternoon light.

Steve feels a pang in his chest as he imagines them together. He is long past being jealous of her by now but the scar is there, hidden somewhere in his heart and he wanted to see, _expected_ to see it, the regret, in Tony's eyes, the nostalgia, the one thing that would justify his own doubts and fears about them. But there is nothing there, nothing but the loving pride of a friend or a brother.

The ceremony was as beautiful and perfect as everything else and Steve almost shed a tear or two when Pepper and Happy exchanged their vows. But his favorite moment was when Hope, their daughter, dressed as beautifully as her mother, walked down the aisle followed by Liberty to bring the rings.

He turned to Tony and saw the same happiness in his eyes. He was smiling like an angel had come down heaven to bless the earth. Steve would make him his one day, he thinks, for real.

When it's finally over and they have done their lot of congratulating speeches and hugs, Steve runs to Tony and grabs his hand, something he has wanted to do all day long. He squeezes it tightly and tugs at his sleeve to make him fall into his arms. He feels a little bit guilty about that though. It should be all about Pepper and Happy. It is _their_ wedding after all, _their_ day, _their_ happiness. But for Steve, it was all about Tony. 

The older man catches himself on Steve's shoulders and avoids falling like a damsel in distress into Steve's arms. Something he deeply loathes. As much as he loves Steve's body, he hates being smaller and thinner and Steve loves to tease him about it.

Tony pouts like a whimsical child and pushes Steve away.

"I can't believe she chose you as her best man." He mumbles, sulking.

"Technically, I'm the maid of honor." Steve teases while smiling through his teeth.

"Still. _I_ should have been Pepper's best man--" 

"Maid of honor." 

"I've been her best friends for longer than you've been alive."

"That's a little exaggerated."

"Slightly."

"You were already Happy's best man."

"I should have been both."

"Greedy."

"What's with you two anyway? You're supposed to hate each other."

"She trusted me to have her ceremony go as perfectly as she wanted it to be."

"Natasha could have done the maid of honor thing. Would have been more logical... And she would have done, if not better, at least as perfect a job as this one was..."

"What can I say? Pepper and I get along well together, can't help it.  As a matter of fact, she and I have a lot in common."

"uh uh..." Tony nodded unconvinced, "Like what? Pepper is a distinguished person with great taste, nothing like the likes of you."

"Well, we both love you for example."

"Touché."

"Champagne?" 

"Oh yeah." 

Tony trots over the buffet table where drinks are being served.

Steve helped Pepper at choosing the champagne and he's quite proud of their final choice. He has acquired a fine nose in whine and champagne tasting by now but he always remembers the first time Tony and him drank a great vintage together. He wasn't able to appreciate it to its right value but it still remains one of the best memories he has of their first meeting.

Tony is already chatting around, flute in hand, and blending smoothly among their friends, doing the show as usual. And as usual, Steve has let him escape his grasp. Always one step behind. It takes him more than half an hour to get a drink and get back to Tony. He has something in mind and the wedding is the perfect occasion to talk about that something. Except he never gets the chance, and Tony slips away again.

It takes him another half an hour and as many small conversations to catch up with him again. Tony is an eel slipping through his fingers every time. 

When he sees him moving his arms excitedly while in a big conversation with Rhodey, he takes his chances. He comes surreptitiously behind him and sneaks his hand in the small of his back, and rests it there, possessively.

"Hi there, gorgeous." Tony says as he turns to him and gives him a kiss. "Bored without me?"

"Terribly." Steve pouts while curling his arms around Tony and burying his nose in the comforting warmth of his older lover.

Tony holds his drink up and sips some more champagne. 

"Kids these days." He sighs while smiling at Rhodey. "They cannot find occupation by themselves, it's terribly annoying. Where did it go? The time when we could fill a whole day of our lives building robots out of old microwaves and coffee makers..." Tony squirms away from Steve and sighs again. "Do you mind? The adults are talking."

Steve doesn't release Tony from his grasp and presses against him. "Let me show you how much of a kid I am." He whispers in his ears.

"Okay." Rhodes exclaimed. "I think that's my cue."

"Rhodey wai--" Tony shouts, too late. "You made my friend feel uncomfortable and leave. That's not nice." He protests while still trapped in Steve's arms.

"And you made me feel insignificant."

"Insignificant? You? How can you ever be insignificant to me? You're all I have in my life." 

"Besides I'm fed up with the kid joke. I think it's been going on long enough."

"Okay. I'll refrain the kid jokes then."

"Good."

"Good."

Tony finally relaxes and gives in into his embrace. Steve holds him tighter against him and Tony raises his hand to reach up to Steve's face and runs it up his neck gently. "And you'll stop making my friends uncomfortable by making indecent comments about our sex life."

"I promise." He mumbles, hidden in the crook of Tony's neck.

"Good. We' good then?"

"We good." He whispers against his lover's ear while pressing against his back.

"You're especially clingy today." Tony notices.

"Am I bothering you?" Steve asks with a tinge of worry in his voice.

"No." The older man cuts in "Not at all." and he rests his head on Steve's shoulder. "I like the clingy you actually, I'm just surprised that's all." 

"Surprised?" Steve asks disbelievingly and takes the opportunity to wrap his arms on Tony's waist and snuggle against him. "Is that surprising that I want to be close to my boyfriend at a wedding?"

"You're not exactly the PDA type, that's all." Tony lets his hand slide down Steve's neck and turns around to face him in order to give him the most languorous kiss he could decently give in public. Steve lets his lover's tongue slip into his mouth in half surprise but gives in completely. The champagne maybe, and the atmosphere. He snaps out of it when Tony bites his lower lip. He opens his eyes only to be met with a mischievous smile and sparkling dark eyes.  "And I'm a little bit too old to be someone's boyfriend, don't you think?"

"Oh really, how should I call you then?" He asks and his hands magically find their way back on the small of Tony's back. Maybe Tony is right, Steve _is_ feeling particularly handsy tonight. Tony doesn't seem to mind though.

"I don't know. Never thought about it. Just hearing it now makes it awkward."

"We've been together for three years."

"Well, excuse me, but it's not like I'm hearing you referring to me as your boyfriend every day when there's only the two of us in our ranch."

"You're forgetting Libby."

"Right, cause she and I have very deep conversations together about how you should call me in public." Tony teases.

Steve inches closer until his mouth brushes the tip of Tony's nose. "Doesn't matter. I've got a much better word to refer to you as..."

Tony smiles at him, but not his plastered smile, his gentle smile. The one he saves for his close friends and for Steve. Their eyes never stop staring at each other and Tony's arms wrap around his neck like they were the only ones left on earth.

"Really?"

"Mmh mh."

"TONYY! STEEEB!" And suddenly they aren't the only one left on earth anymore.

A rosy cheeked Pepper joins into the hug and snatches him away from Tony. She throws herself into his arms and before he can realize it, he is holding up a tipsy and slightly disheveled Pepper tight against him.

"Steve," She mumbles against his neck. "Everything was so perfect, thanks to you. You were amazing. Thank you. Thank you." Then she forces herself down and wraps her arm around Tony as well, making their foreheads touch delicately. "Thank you guys for being so amazing today."

"And on time." Tony points out, because this is rare enough that it needs to be emphasized, so why not?

"Tony, your man is amazing you know that, right? Don't let him go. Do _not_ let him go!"

"Not planning to anytime soon." Tony answers, tone slightly amused. It isn't everyday that you have the privilege to see Pepper letting go. "Congratulation, Pep. This was a beautiful ceremony."

"It was, right? It's all thanks to your guy, here." Now it is Tony's turn to be pampered by the beautiful bride. She clings to him and keeps kissing him in a slightly more-than-friendly kind of way but Steve decided that he doesn't care, not today anyway. They have loved each other, for years, for longer than he and Tony had known each other and it will always be a part of them. Tony wraps his arms around her and buries his head in her hair. 

"You know that I love you, right?" He whispers to her, before putting a chaste kiss on her forehead. "I want the best for you, the three of you."

Pepper catches his hand between her fingers and brushes her lips on it. "Be careful Tony," she says with a twinkle in her eyes. "Cause you're might as well be next."

"Oh no, I won't make that same mistake again." 

Pepper rolls her eyes and swirls around Tony and Steve like an imperfect dance, intertwining their fingers together and smiling to them, one after the other. _"We_ were a mistake Tony, _you_ are not." She finally says pointing at them both before she swooshes away as fast as she came.

"Wow." Tony says while watching the slim back of her disappearing into the crowd. He puts his hand on his hip and turns to Steve with a smile full of innuendos. "She's definitely loosened up. Is that your doing? Gimme your secret!"

Steve isn't sure if it's his doing or not, but he likes his friend in that mood. "It's good to see her so happy." He whispers in agreement.

Tony is still focused on the crowd, eyes lost into space. "Yeah. She deserves it." As for Steve, he is entirely focused on Tony and his heart clenches a bit as if all this had reopened some old wounds. 

"You deserve it too, you know."

Tony doesn't react until a few moments later, when he turns to him with a wan distant smile. "Yeah, maybe."

"So, it's true?"

"What's true?"

Maybe it isn't the right time for that. Maybe he should let go, go back to having fun and forget about whatever issues there are between them, but he needs to know. "About, not making that mistake again?"

Tony apparently didn't except that kind of question because he looks at him with wide-open eyes and a gaping mouth. "Oh god..." He lets out before he collects himself and gives him a self-deprecating smile. "I'm so not marriage material. Everyone knows that."

" _I_ don't know that." Steve hurries to say, voice hoarse as words seem to get stuck in his throat.

Tony gives him another self-deprecating smile with a tinge of paternal pride. The kind of sad smile a parent would give their child when they're doing something cute to hide that life is so hard. "Sure you do, Steve. Sure you do."

Steve hates that smile. He hates that innuendo, he hates that condescendence and he hates what it means. Sometimes he wishes he could take some of Tony's load away but the burden he carries, he has made it himself. And it isn't always easy, between them. It isn't. They have their moments but they are happy together and he too can play that game.

"So, you don't want to get married?" Steve insists. "Even with me?" and he really wishes Tony could look into his eyes when he answers but he won't, not when the conversation is finally starting to get serious.

"We don't need a piece of paper as a proof of our love, do we?"

 _No, we don't._  "No but..." _but it's not about that... and you know it._

"Or is it that you want both of us to adopt Liberty properly? Is that what it is about?" Tony teases because it's so much easier.

Steve chuckles, in spite of himself. "Yeah. Not really but... Don't you want kids?"

"Me kids? So that their friends ask them 'is that your gramps?' when I pick them up from school? No thanks."

Steve laughs, even if it sounds like acknowledging failure and admitting defeat. Tony has a way to turn every serious conversation into a joke. "You'd be a very sexy grampa though." He retorts. 

"Oh really," Tony exclaims in an offended tone. He points at him threateningly with a sardonic smile. "You won't get away with this."

"What if _I_ want kids?" Steve interrupts and cuts the joke short.

"Do you want kids?" Tony asks, voice falsely curious.

"I don't know... Maybe... I just don't want to cross out the possibility."

For a second, Tony stares at him and considers what he's said and for a second Steve thinks he has managed to switch the conversation back to serious, but no, Tony brushes it all off, just like he does every time Steve talks about their future. "Whatever you want baby, you shall have."

"I thought we agreed not to call each other "baby"?"

"Firstly, I said 'babe'. Secondly it only applies to _you_ calling _me_ 'babe'. I can call you 'babe' as much as I want. Since I could technically be your dad"

"Didn't you promise you would refrain on the kid jokes as well?"

"I did?"

"About fifteen minutes ago, yeah."

Tony can push you away with only a smile. He looks at the champagne flute in his hand, avoiding Steve's look, always.

"Silly me... Hey, my glass is empty. See you in a bit?" He starts stepping backwards and points at Steve again. "And I promise. No more kid joke." before he walks away and disappears in the crowd too.

Maybe it _wasn't_  the right time for that. Maybe he _should_ have let it go. Maybe he should enjoy the night like everyone else. It is a beautiful party after all, but whatever issue there is between them, he can't forget. It's the only thing he can think about.

He walks outside for a while, followed by Liberty. He needs the space and the quiet and hugging his longtime furry friend helps quieting down the turmoil of emotions in his heart. He is glad he can spend some time with her now, because she's been running around all day long, playing with the kids but as always her sixth sense would notice Steve was feeling sad and she ran to him comfortingly. Or at least, that's what Steve likes to think.

They walk to the shore of the lake and watch moon reflecting its beauty on the water. It is a good spot to have a reassessment of his whole life, he thinks. He loves Tony and they are doing good, the three of them, but maybe they need to talk about their feelings a bit more and stop ignoring the elephant in the room because it won't work in the long run.

He palpates the box through the fabric of his pocket again and takes it out. He opens it and watches the two rings he designed glowing in the moon light. He was confident until now but he isn't sure of anything anymore. 

They never talked about it but to Steve it has always been obvious, the two of them. Since the night of their reunion, it has been obvious. It is Tony and no-one else. Well, he might sound a little bit naive like this but actually Steve doesn't believe in love at first sight or soulmates or life-time partners. He doesn't. He never really. It's just... Tony was there, when Steve needed him to be. And Steve was there when Tony needed him to be. And right then and there they were exactly what they needed of each other, for each other. They just clicked. They clicked then and they click now. And Steve is happy to have shared some if his time on earth with Tony and he would like to share for a little bit longer. Maybe for the rest of life, maybe not. But if not then for a large part of it.

Steve stares at the darkness in front of him, and the moonlight reflecting on the dark waters. Tony's right. They don't need a piece of paper to get a proof of that. They don't need anything. They just need each other, but it would feel nice to celebrate this with friend and family.  The moon shines on the two rings. It would feel nice, Steve thinks, to see that ring on Tony's finger -Proof that they belong to one another- when they have lunch together or when Tony cooks or when he helps out at the ranch. And maybe Tony would take it off when he works in his workshop so he wouldn't damage it. And Steve would smile at the ring of fair skin on Tony's finger -Proof that they belong together, ring or not. 

He touches his bare finger and sighs. It would feel nice too, to have this constant weight around it. So familiar that he would forget about it until it's gone and he misses it. It's stupid and he knows it. They're independent, they don't need this. It's not like they have a family to take care of, or a mortgage to pay back. It's not like one of them is gonna get pregnant and needs to be cared for. And they're both men, they haven't dreamt about marrying their prince charming their whole life. They don't care about stuff like that. They don't have to be romantic. They never have. They're not.

It would just... feel nice if they did, that's all.

Steve stares one last time at the two rings and slips the box back into his pocket regretfully and tries to forget his lonely heart while listening to Liberty silently wagging her tail at his feet. As long as he has her he's going to be fine, he remembers. 

"Hey Blondie." Lost in his thoughts he hasn't noticed Natasha approaching behind him. "Why the long face? It's a great party."

Steve chuckles but doesn't turn to her, nor does he speak. They don't need to look at or talk to each other to understand each other anyway. Steve isn't in the mood to explain things and Natasha knows it so she remains a quiet but comforting presence by his side and stares at the beautiful sky before them along with him.

After a while Steve feels a warm hand on his back, stroking softly, nails scratching at his shirt. "Your time will come." She whispers enigmatically. 

"Wha-?" Steve startles and and turns to her, his words get interrupted by the smirk on her red lips.

"I've seen the way you looked at him at the ceremony." She taunts, her smile getting bigger and nastier at the end of her sentence.

"What are you talking about?"

"He loves you. I can tell. Stop being insecure."

Steve feels a blush creeping its way up his cheeks and turns his gaze away. Natasha's hand keeps stroking up and down his back in a slow and light gesture and it's a nice distraction.

Steve indulges in and lets the silence linger between them before he finally speaks.

"I don't know, Nat". He sighs. "I don't know."

"It's complicated, right?" She smiles knowingly and Steve agrees.

"Yeah, it's complicated."

She looks at him with a know-it-all look on her face and smirks. "It's _not_ complicated, Steve. There's nothing as simple."

Her tone is mocking and Steve hates it and suddenly her nice strokes feels like treacherous touches so he moves away from her with a wheezing sound, trying to ignore the lump in his throat. 

She doesn't acknowledge though, and she stays silent next to him and keeps her hand away. Steve tries to settle his emotion but doesn't move away from her and they remain like this, in comfortable silence until Natasha breaks it again.

"Do you remember the last time we were staring silently at the dark cold night?" She asks with a chipper tone and continue when Steve doesn't show any reaction to it. "It was exactly three years eleven months and seven days ago. And the night was darker. Darker than here. And colder too."

Steve finally turns to her and tries to convey his confusion the best he can and it works he thinks, before she laughs.

"It was in my garden. And like today, you were brooding over you love life."

Steve tries to remember a time when he was out and alone in Natasha's garden, brooding over his love life.

"You remember Sam?" She interrupts and yeah, he remembers Sam. Of course he remembers Sam and he feels a painful pang in his chest. The whole thing is painful. It brings back painful memories, shameful feelings and uncomfortable insecurity. Sam was one of the things he regrets the most in his life. The way he hurt him, the way he treated him. He's doing great now, Steve has heard. A husband and a project of adoption. He was happy to know that but he still feels like he's missed something. Sam could have been, _would_ have been a great friend had he not screwed him over. Maybe it's not too late though, maybe now that time has passed, maybe they could be friends.

"You came with him that day and you introduced him like you needed my approval or something and he was a great guy really. He would have been perfect for you, but something was off somehow." Steve snaps out of his reveries and turns to her. She is staring into space, lost in her memories. A soft smile on her lips. "You weren't happy," she finally says. "Even if you pretended to be."

Natasha rarely talks about serious things, but when she does, she is always right on the spot. Steve waits for her to finish before he asks where this is going exactly, because he's quite sure that she has a point. She never speaks for the sake of speaking."

"I don't like Tony very much..." She blurts out. "I mean, I do. he's fun. We do get along well, but I didn't like him at first. I didn't like the way he treated you. There're so many things I don't like about him. He's fucking annoying. And most of the time I just want to punch his smile off his face. And he still hurts you sometimes and I really struggle not to fly over to your place and tell him off."

Steve remembers all the times he called her after a fight and laughs internally. Maybe he shouldn't involve his friends as much into his lovers' quarrels, he realizes. They spoil him. He shows a wide guilty smile to her and apologizes silently. At least, he hopes his eyes convey the feeling as much as he means to.

He thinks they did, because Natasha smiles back.

"He's not perfect for you Steve." She continues, with a serious tone. "He's not perfect, but he's right." She pauses, eyes boring into his, meaning every words. "He's right for you. I know it. I could see it when you first introduced us. I could see it in your eyes, I could feel it. I can see it now." She whispers. "He's right for you, and you're right for him, and together you're forming the most beautiful couple I've met."

Her breathing accelerates when she's done and her smiles dies down and Steve can see her tremble, an imperceptible shudder, and her eyes are shining a bit too brightly in the moonlight. She used to have that. That thing he is lucky to share with Tony. She used to have it too, with Bucky, and for the first time, Steve realizes what he has and what she's lost and his heart breaks for her sake. They were meant for each other and he died and her world collapsed and she survived and overcame it when Steve didn't. And as much as she and Bruce are happily in love, it's not the same. 

She shivers but Steve knows it's not the cold and he wants to wrap his arms around her and comfort her but he knows she wouldn't like that. The shake quickly stops and the shine disappears and she's back with Steve, smiling softly, quicker than he had time to forget about his own loss and pain.

"Tonight's Pepper's night." She says, wiping her eyes and forcing a cheerful smile. "You'll get the chance to pop out the question, Steve. on a better time, at a better moment, in a better place... and I can promise you... that he's as insecure as you are!"

They smiles at him a bit more, a glint of mischievousness in her eyes and she finally turns away. "I'm a bit cold." She says. "I'm gonna get back."

Steve turns around to see her leave and watches her moving away, hips balancing seductively, a long pendant rolling on her bare skin, reaching as far as the curve of her smaller back, her white dress dancing in the night. She's gorgeous but white isn't her color, maybe Tony was right after all.

Steve feels a lot better now, although he misses Bucky a lot. He stares at the lake one last time, touches the box through the fabric of his pocket and motions Liberty back inside, a huge smile spreading on his face.

The atmosphere has turned cosy. The music is soft and slow and the singer's voice is suave and people are dancing close, in each others' arms. He spots Pepper and Happy kissing lovingly in the middle of the dance floor, he spots Natasha, snuggling against Bruce's arm. His hand his softly brushing her back, the way longtime couple do sometimes, without knowing, and he envelopes her protectively, as if she was a small and fragile bird.

His eyes roams the room, searching for one person and he soon spots Tony in an animated conversation with Carol and Rhodey, gesticulating all over the place, as he always does, filling the space his body doesn't, and his smile is bright and his eyes are shining and he's so handsome and probably drunk.

Their eyes meet and Tony's smile brightens and the way he looks at Steve makes him feel like he's the center of the universe. It's a bit unsettling, but then again, it's quite alright to be the center of Tony's universe, he thinks.

He quickly paces to them and slightly rests his hand on Tony's shoulder while trying to get into the conversation, careful not to be too straightforward in his show of affection.

Despite his efforts to be quiet and subtle, his arrival ends the conversation and whatever they were talking about is quickly forgotten. Tony's agitation leaves place to silence and Steve's feels a bit bad until Tony's fingers reach Steve's hand resting on his shoulder and start brushing his skin affectionately.  

"What have you been up to?" He hears Tony whisper, still cuddled behind the older man. "I couldn't find you."

"I was taking Lib out."

"In the dark?"

"Yes."

"I was worried." Tony mumbles.

Steve tightens his hold around his lover and wraps his arms around him. "You were so not." He teases with still a bit of truth behind his mocking tone.

Tony turns around on himself and bears his playful eyes into Steve's. "I was." He repeated. " 'Course I was." He is smiling and his eyes are looking straight into Steve's, full of mischief and expectations and the lights reflect on his dark marbles, like they're dancing and Steve is charmed and wants to kiss his smile away. Tony chuckles before he beats Steve to it and with a powerful hand he bends Steve's head and kisses him like he's never been kissed. It's strong and dominating and passionate. Tony forces his tongue inside Steve's mouth and licks sloppily at it and Steve is left powerless, moaning against Tony's lips. Steve's knees almost give out and he loses balance but Tony holds him firmly. He feels small when his lover manhandles him like this, small and weak but safe and protected. He likes that he thinks. He likes it very much. Maybe that's Tony's revenge for Steve's clingy way of imposing himself on him. 

"Ew. I haven't come here to look at you sucking each other's faces all night. Have some decency, guys."

Steve had forgotten about Rhodey, and apparently, Tony doesn't mind making his friend uncomfortable with a little PDA anymore. Or maybe he never did. He lets go of Steve's mouth though and licks one last time at his lips, leaving his taste on his tongue.

"We could suck at something else if you prefer." Tony teases still looking at Steve. Rhodey is falsely outraged and Carol is laughing out loud. And Steve is getting hot under his shirt and tries to get away from Tony's embraces but he holds him firmly still and his eyes never leave Steve's, dancing marbles, burning flames shining in the dim light.

Steve looks down though, at his reddish lips, still wet from the kiss. So plump and juicy. So desirable. He just wants to kiss them again, until the end of the night. Maybe he's a little drunk himself. Or maybe it's the atmosphere, he isn't sure and they're moving, the lips. 

"Wanna dance?" Tony asks, eyebrow up, the question is genuine. And his smile is soft, waiting for an answer.

Does Steve wanna dance? He probably wants but he doesn't know how to. It seems nice though. He wish he could. He's never danced with Tony before, with anyone, period.

While Steve is stuck trying to decide if he can dance or not, Tony loses his patience and drags him to the dance floor, leading the way. Tony knows how to dance, of course he does, even though Steve as never seen him dance before. There is so much more Steve doesn't know about Tony. He wants the time to discover them all. He wants more time, with Tony. A lifetime. He grabs Steve's hand and puts the other on the small of his back. He's leading them and it could have been awkward. Steve is awkward, he feels awkward at least. Too tall, too big, too heavy when Tony moves gracefully. But it's not, Tony leads and Steve follows and it works. It's perfect. Is it a metaphor for their life together? Steve wonders.

The music slows down and the bodies get closer and Steve wraps his too big, too heavy arms around his lover. Tony is warm and solid in his arms and he smells good and Steve buries his head his the crook of his neck, hiding, inhaling his strong and musky scent and it's perfect.

His mind wanders and he thinks of everything Natasha said before. Of their three years together. Of their morning sex. Of Tony undone under him, screaming as he orgasmed. Most of the time he wants to tear his head off. Most of the time they fight or sulk at each other. Most of the time it's too hard to handle, his broodiness, his PTSD, his loneliness. Most of the time he hates his life, but then Tony is here. And liberty is here and the three of them. They form the perfect combo. Tony has everything he needs and he has what Tony needs. And it's worth it. All the shit they go through, it's worth it, for this moment. For right now. 

Steve feels so high, and happy, and billions of butterfly are flying away from his heart, and Tony smells good. He's falling in love. 

It's all new to Steve. Steve has never felt this before, this uneasy feeling so painful and precious at the same time. It wasn't like that for them. It was just a feeling, an intuition at first and then it grew without them noticing into something more, into something meaningful.

Steve woke up one day and he doesn't really remember how or when or whatever. He just remembers that he woke up in his apartment in Brooklyn and saw the other side of the bed empty, signs of Tony's presence still blatant. He spread out his hand on Tony's side and buried his nose in the sheet, trying to catch remnants of his scent and he heard Tony cough in the bathroom and he knew. He knew then, that what he felt for Tony was more. More than lust, more than passion or affection, more than friendship, more than the need for company. It was all of that, and more. It's was love.

It is a love they built together and nurtured, a strong and solid pillar for both of them. An anchor to this world. And yet, Steve's heart is beating like a teenage boy's and he holds onto Tony as if his life depended on it. Maybe it does. And Tony holds him tight and make them turn slowly to the rhythm of the music and the words get out on their own, without Steve knowing.

"Will you marry me?"

They're out before he could make up his mind about the whole thing. Four little words. Life changing words. And When he realizes he said those words out loud his heart is thumping hard in his chest.

"Are you having views on my estate Mr Rogers?

He heart is racing so much he feels like it's going to explode and he feels his cheeks heating. Steve was up high in the sky and dropped down on the floor in an instant. He thinks his knees are going to give out as all his fears and insecurities are coming back to slap him in the face. "N-no." is all he managed to get out of his mouth.

Steve has sincerely never thought about it. Marriage to him means love, commitment and caring for each other. Not billions on your bank accounts. It has never even occurred to him. The fact that Tony has more or less left this life behind him when they got together and that the way they now live in their farm house away from the city, Steve has almost forgotten that the man who shares his bed is actually a billionaire. Sometimes he forgets he is dating _Tony Stark_. To Steve Tony has always been only Tony. A caring and generous man, loving, a bit crazy sometimes. For Steve, Tony's just a peculiar engineer who likes spending time in his workshop surrounded with robots. He's the guy who forgets to eat sometimes, who goes to sleep at impossible hours but who still never fails to take Lib for a walk in their countryside. Steve has forgotten that the man he has built his life with is actually one of those who has changed the world and is still changing it, for the better.

And now, Tony has reminded him of all the things he never dares think about. About their age difference, about their difference of income and social background, about how they impact the rest of the world so differently, about how Steve is nothing and Tony everything.

"Don't worry." Tony continues, voice surrendered, low in a disillusioned sort of way. "I already put you in my will. When I'm in a box you'll get half of SI."

Steve almost chokes on the words, on the news. This is huge and Tony's words are so raw, so brutally and so matter-of-factly said that Steve froze in shock for a few seconds. And hundreds of thoughts are roiling in his head. He steps backwards, away from Tony as if he has become a stranger suddenly. It hurts, everything he said and meant. It hurts.  As if everything they've been living up to now means nothing. As if Tony can never trust Steve. As if he is expecting Steve to get tired of him and walk away at any time. Tony has never committed to them. Not entirely. Not the way Steve has committed to him. And as he feels his whole body fire up with pain and anger he feels his heart turning cold at the same time.

"Why do you always have to turn everything into a joke?" The words came out cold and hoarse but he can hear the hurt staining his words. It's much more than that. It's about them, about the very foundation of their relationship.

Tony stares, eyes wide open. His face turning pale as he sees the pain in Steve's eyes. "Steve..."

"Do you really think I don't think about it? About those fifteen years that separate us, as well as everything else that separate us...? Do you think I never thought about what it would mean in a few years? Do you think I never fear about losing you?" Steve feels his anger dictate his words and actions. His temples are throbbing and his breathing jerky. He pauses and bears his eyes into Tony's confused ones. "What is it that you want Tony? What is that you want from me? Do you care even a little bit about what _I_ want?" Tony opens his mouth to speak but Steve never lets him. "I feel like we've never progressed in our relationship, like those three years have never happened. Like we're stuck, still trying to decide whether or not we're worth the shot. What is it that you want Tony? Is that all I am to you? Some younger guy you get to play with until you get fed up and go back to your life?"

He is so banged up on himself that he almost doesn't notice Tony's lips trembling while they open and close slightly. His lover/boyfriend/partner/maybe or maybe not future husband/whatever Tony is to him stares blankly at him. He raises his hands and reaches up to him, putting them on both sides of his face. 

"Steve" He says firmly, as if to quiet down the turmoil Steve is feeling inside. "You're serious?" 

It was meant as question but it sounded like statement. Or maybe it wasn't meant as a question and Tony knows already.

"Do you think I would joke about something like this, on Pepper's wedd--" Steve exclaims, almost out of breath. 

The shiny marbles are dancing again and the corner of Tony's eyes are smiling. "I will!"

"Wha--?"

"I mean, yes, fucking yes. Hundreds times yes. I will-- marry you, I mean. I wanna be your husband, I wanna make _you_ my husband. I mean yes for the wedding, yes for the kids, for everything. I mean it Steve. I do. I want this. All of this, with you, with you I want it all. Fuck yes, let's do it. For better or worse. I'll be there with you, all my life life I wanna be there with you, _for_ you, 'cause you mean everything to me. Shit, Steve, fuck."

Steve remains still, unable to move or even speak. Maybe he is still in shock, or maybe he is stunned at Tony's unexpected reaction. Or maybe it is too much happiness to handle suddenly and Tony probably saw it, because he grabs his face strongly and pulls him down to kiss him passionately. He shoves his tongue inside Steve's mouth while he holds his face firmly into his callused hands until Steve gets back to himself and melts into the kiss. 

Tony pulls away and smiles. "Hey, I thought I'd lost you for a second."

Steve plunges his eyes into Tony's dark ones and everything gets lifted away from his shoulders. He feels so light suddenly, light and carefree and happy. "Tony," he says, trying to ground and straighten himself. "Tony, will you marry me?"

"Yes." Tony answered with a grin.

"I'm a... I'm gonna... I." He fiddles in his pockets for what feels like an hour long moment and finally finds what he's been looking for. He takes the box out, delicately, and realizes his hands are shaking as he presents it to Tony."

"You got rings?"

"Yeah, I'm uh... I wanted to do the whole kneeling down thing and everything but uh... I figured, I didn't want to steal Pepper's day away from her... so I... but I couldn't wait anymore."

Tony laughs blatantly and makes everyone turn to them.

"Steve," He whispers to keep the moment intimate. "I know I don't say it often but... I love you, you know that, right?"

The box goes back into his pocket before others can see and then he takes Tony's hands into his and intertwine their fingers together. "I know." He says, smiling to his lover who is smiling back at him. They're engaged and he's gonna make Tony his and he will be Tony's, for as long as they want it. 

They keep looking at each other, as if alone in the world. They are in their bubble, in their own world and nothing else matters. And it's the moment that Liberty chooses to join them, rolling around them and sniffing at their hands, demanding caresses.

Steve drops one of Tony's hands and pats her on the head. He bends a little, face towards his lover, laughing and plants a kiss on his lips. "I love you too."

It's all going to be alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is.
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting, cheering me up when I needed it. It's all thanks to you that I could finish it. I sincerely hope you enjoyed this story. I for one enjoyed writing it and sharing my crazy mind with you! 
> 
> ;-)


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